There are a lot of complaints about that on this site, just with the Dad's rather than the mom's. I having seen any answers to the probably just a lot of "I have the same problem and don't know what to do either." I usually just ignore it, but then again, even though my DH can be soft on SD, he still punishes her when things get out of hand so I can't complain to much.

My DH complains that I am to soft has well. I think that is because he's so hard on them and most of the time has nothing to say nice. I feel like I have to over compinsate for him. I can say whatever he says goes and I always back him up. He is their dad my childrens father has never been involved. He tells me he loves them which he does I just wish he would show it a little more. My oldest is high function autistic which I think makes this complicated. He needs to know when to let things go and cut him a break. Things are hard for children but some ppl forget about parents feelings.

Justs my two cents but, I feel like if the parent is overall making a good effort to parent the kids and stay consistent on behavior expectation and to not undermine you when you follow thur on previously agreed things then possibly she is simply choosing her battles. As a parent you can't realistically manage every single transgression kids make - especially with 4 kids. To maintain your sanity you have to just let some stuff go.

Now if this is the norm then you have a problem!

If there are certain things that really grate on you I think it's fair that you bring them up to her respectfully and ask if there is a way that you can both try to curb that behavior.

I know for my DH, bad table manners really bother him. I know that, so I make an effort to stay on top of that where sometimes I may just want to let them slack so that I can just relax and enjoy my own meal. TBH, it's exhausting to constantly correct kids behavior.

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THIS exactly! My life summed up!
I told my husband sometimes you have to pick and choose and I need my sanity with 2 bio's 1 our's 1SS and a nephew.

I know some of you might jump on this, but for me I was 27 when I married my ex DH who had 5 sons. I was pretty hard on them looking back now. It wasn't until I had my own child that I could see that 'you pick your battles'. I expected way too much of these kids. I just know for me it was entirely different after I had a child of my own.