So I havent written in awhile... but I want to explode, so perhaps I should!!
We had our baby a little over a month ago.. He is a joy and pleasure to have.. This is of course a problem for others!!
So we had the baby and there were complications from the C section.. and I was really sick... we had him on a Wed, and by Fri ss10 was calling and asking when he was getting picked up for a weekend (as a side note, we had just had them that previous weekend).. Dh answers that he is not sure yet, that we are still in the hospital.. Monday sd10 calls.. when are you getting us.. again, dh answers that he is not sure, we were JUST released from the hospital and that he is taking care of the baby and I.. as I couldnt get in and out of bed w/o the help of Dh.
After that 2nd call.. I tell him to call them back and set up the first weekend in May.. I would be ready by then.. I ended up not really being ready by then.. but I guess everything cant be perfect... so he gets them.. sd10 is fine and is constantly hovering over the baby and I.. ss10 is less interested.. EXCEPT when I am either 1) Breastfeeding (w/the cover over me and the baby) or 2) baby is hysterically crying for food... that weekend finally ended!! YEAH!
The next weekend we are to have them.. bm now has decided that after 4 yrs of us only being allowed to get them on Sat am.. that he can now get them on Fri pm.. NOPE!! I put my foot down.. I said, how about we wait til baby is sleeping through the night BEFORE we change this long standing schedule!! Dh, thankfully, agreed. I explained that it was too much on me (as they dont listen, and they were trying to get their friend across the street to be able to come over, after we said NO 2 times).. So on Fri pm of the day before we are to get them.. bm is trying to change the weekend LAST MINUTE to the long holiday weekend of Memorial Day.. yeah.. NO GO!! I dont think so.. she sent him a text, he was asleep, so I answered it. I realize that I am TIRED of tip toeing around HER!!! I replied that my husband was asleep (those exact words) and that he would be getting them the next am and I would have him call her.. He agreed w/me when he woke up!!
So he gets them.. and proceeds to spend ALL of his time w/them the whole weekend.. leaving very little for Baby and I.. great!!! is this what we have to look forward to the rest of our lives??? ss10 had some anger about him.. he wouldnt look at me or the baby.. nor would he acknowledge the baby's existance.. and was pissy the one time dh did help me on Sun am so that I could SHOWER!! grrr.. anyway.. dh is getting ready to take ss & sd 10 back to their mom's, and I notice she is wearing one of MY tops.. (it hasnt fit in the past 2 yrs, but I had planned on getting back in to it... and its a $35 Banana Republic Tshirt) I said.. is that one of MY shirts?? Sd10 says yes, one of the ones you gave me (side note.. I gave her NO tops.. DH and his f n mother went through my clothes one day.. decided what was too small for me and GAVE sd those items w/o asking me.. ) so now I am ticked.. I said, first of all.. it didnt have that huge red stain on it (oh.. and this is about a mth ago that they gave her my stuff... but i was told it was just red sox tshirts).. I looked at my dh and said.. you GAVE her MY $35 Banana Republic tshirt?? Perhaps you should stop giving away MY STUFF!!!
He doesnt get it.. He apologized.. but was all like.. its just a top.. whatever.. it was mine.. I dont feel like anything I own is safe.. that he or his freakin mother can decide what I DONT need anymore and just hand it over to whomever.. The worst part, I cant ask for the shirt back as she ALREADY RUINED IT!!!
So these are the reasons that I want to freakin explode!!!! Can someone help calm me down?!?!?!?
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I would be livid too
Giving away anything of yours without your permission is crossing some serious boundaries. You shouldn't have to lock up your things so they don't disappear. I am in shock that he did that.
DH needs to have a long discussion with his children that you are all a family and they must all help with the new baby. I am so sad for you and it makes me fear the day that we have our first child together. SD9 is always physically attached to me now and sometimes gets jealous of our dog so I don't know how she will do with a baby.
Oh my.
First and foremost, CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now for the issues,
Your hormones are raging right now. Mine did after DH and I had our baby girl as well. It took about six months for me to feel like me agian, a year before I stopped catching every cold in the western hemisphere. You are going through a tough time, things are going to bother you. You are at the heightened sense of protective mommy right now....you don't want any unwanted "visitors" intereferring with you, your child, or your DH helping you and your new baby get along. It's totally understandable. Just remember, your hormones are probably making it seem alot worse to you right now.
Granted now, I would be pissed over the shirt to. And I would have had a FIT if DH and his mother went through my cloths and decided what to give to SD. OMG, how did you not explode right then?
Let me add about the protective mommy gene, after I had my daughter (she was a preemie, 4 lbs, 6 weeks early), I was sooooooo paticular. I wouldn't even let any of the kids hold her without a shower first. I wouldn't let them hover over, or around her. I think I held her the entire time anyone was around just to make sure she was safe. Hey, we are moms and we do that sort of thing. Look at how animals in the wild protect thier young, we are not that much different!! Your feelings are perfectaly natural and you should embrace them!
The little things will die down, hang in there. Its so hard when you aren't sleeping, the baby is new, all you need is DH but everything keeps on going normal isn't it?
BTW, don't be afraid to ask the DR for some medicine to help you stay stress free. The baby blues is a true thing! I swear I didn't like anyone but my daughter for the first month after her birth! I got a RX, it didn't help though. I just eventually made it through without killing DH, my son, or my SK's! LOL!
PM me if you ever need anything. I'll come take care of that beautiful baby and let you get a good night of sleep!!
~Happiness is defined by the smile on your face, not the frown on others.~
Thank you so much.. I do
Thank you so much.. I do feel like everything bothers me.. Its very unsettling...
I do want my dh to help when he is not at work.. and he does, for the most part.. the exception.. when his kids are here.. then he sort of ignores the baby and I.. or at least it feels that way compared to the attention we get when the skids are not here.
I just dont want my child to suffer. I didnt explode in front of the skids.. but I did make that comment in front of them that he needs to stop giving my stuff away.. and I made a point to let them all know that I was unhappy about it. I waited til after he dropped them off, then I let him have it on the phone, and again when he got home. I even told him that the baby and I didnt need him, and he should go find someplace to stay! I even meant it!! I was livid, and it didnt help that he kept saying it was just a shirt. I let him know that I was going to start throwing out or getting rid of his shit if he ever did something like that again. DH claims he didnt know how that shirt got into her pile (of red sox tshirts) and that his mom must have done it.. yet he wouldnt tell me when or HOW he gave her these shirts.. I asked him whatelse of mine did she get.. and told him I wanted him to call her and ask what ELSE was in that group.. I have a lot of shirts that fit back then, that I had the good ones all set aside to get back into, and just can imagine how many hundreds of dollars of good clothes he gave her, and how they are all wrecked by now, so its not even worth getting them back..
I would say that he owes me new clothes, but when all the money is in the same pot at this point, then it would just be me buying myself new clothes!! I should say that it takes the place of an outing we normally would have taken the skids on.
As for the skids holding him.. I have let them each hold him once.. that was on the first visit, and they had to use purrell on their hands, and only while the baby was asleep.. and it was long enough for pictures (for dh's benefit) and that was it.
OH!! and I forgot to mention how my child looks exactly like his dad.. the skids, the sd looks just like her mom, and ss looks like neither my dh or bm.. so begs the question.. who does ss look like?? the real biodad perhaps?!! so bm in her attempt to convince, I dont know who.. herself perhaps, was like.. oh.. the baby looks just like ss!!! Ummmm.. no he doesnt.. no one sees that but her.. and she is going around telling everyone that my child LOOKS like HER SON!!! that bugs me.. I would rather she just say nothing!
Congratulations!
Congratulations on your new baby!!
When I was expecting, I asked DH, point blank, what he was going to do when the skids came over (this was when we had EOW). He had planned on continuing just like before- giving the girls all his attention, while I got none. The baby would be getting none, too.
OK, I can understand wanting to give your kids a lot of attention, especially when you only see them EOW. But it's not fair for them to totally give them ALL the attention when we get none. I think a lot of the dads whom we blog about need to learn to balance giving their kids each 1-on-1 attention while giving us attention too. It can be done- he could spend an hour with SD, then an hour with SS, and you guys could have dinner together as a family, and then the next day, do a family activity.
As for SS's anger about the new baby, I think that is normal. A lot of kids feel jealous when a new sibling comes on the scene. DH needs to assure SS and SD that he loves all of his kids equally.
Is your SS DH's bio-child?
Absolutely.. as the skids
Absolutely.. as the skids pretended like we didnt exist.. and this is MY house and my son's house.. not their house.. yet, I felt we were treated like second class citizens.
DH said to me this am before he left for work, that he misses our son and I. He had to work late last night.. and was exhausted when he got home, so I told him to lie down.. he did and was asleep til it was time to put our son to bed for the night. He said he was looking forward to our weekend this weekend.. as its just us and our son!! so that was good.. now if I could just get him to be more hands on when the skids are here again. . that would be great! Like I said.. the first weekend we had them after, he was great!! its just this past weekend he wasnt.. makes you wonder what the conversations were like in the more than an hour car ride up from their house!
There is some questioning
There is some questioning from my dh as well as others as to whether ss & sd are his. He was only dating bm when she got pregnant w/them.. that is the only reason they got married.. and my MIL recently told me that she was sending love letters to an ex bf the entire pregnancy and marriage to my dh.
I had the same convo w/dh prior to getting pregnant.. he assured me that he would NEVER ignore me or our child.. he did well the first visit.. it was this last visit that he fell down on!!
I am sure they are being
I am sure they are being told something.. they didnt even say hi when they walked in.. I was feeding the baby a bottle, and sitting right in the main living room, its an open floor plan, so I was more than plainly visible from the front door.
I told him that I was put off by his behavior.. I mentioned this when I said that the baby and I didnt need him, and he knows where the door is. That if I am going to be doing this on my own EOW, then I dont need him the rest of the time.
We shall see what happens on the next weekend.. that isnt til the 30th.
Give it some time
Give it some time Frustrated. Everything is still so new and I think that everybody is getting use to the baby. Hopefully it won't get worse and feel like you have DH EOW. I went through the same thing, but for the most part my H and I didn't change our weekend schedule b/c SD was there. We didn't go to the movies or go out to eat or do "fun" things (b/c we couldn't afford it and still can't) so when our son was born nothing really changed. We still did laundry and cleaned the house-things that SD should be helping with anyway. Maybe try to get him to do little things while Skids are there so that he will help you out. Since you don't really let them hold your son on a regular basis yet, tell DH I need you to watch the baby while I take a shower or go grocery shopping. This way you get some much needed time alone and it shows skids that Daddy has to be Daddy to all his children.
He did take him so that I
He did take him so that I could shower on Sunday.. that put ss10 into an extremely pissy mood!! He kept sighing and stuff after I got out of the shower.. I was trying to brush my hair (didnt even dry it) and he kept giving me the evil eye.. like how can this be taking so long.. we are talking maybe a 30 min break...
I do hope it gets better. My fav was when DH asked me what was up at the movies, and I was like, why?? we arent going to a movie!!! Ummm.. hello.. its too expensive, I am not getting paid on my maternity leave, and we need to conserve our funds!! just like you jen.. who can afford to take the skids out to do fun things, when you need the money for practical things like food, gas and baby diapers!!!
I am looking forward to this skid free weekend!!
Good
Good. I'm glad that he did that while skids were there. Keep having DH doing something every time they are there. They both need to get use to "sharing" their time. I know it's hard, but remember that they have had Daddy to themselves for 10 years. It's not going to happen overnight. They already know what it's about since they have a sibling from BM, but it is a little different when they only get to see Daddy EOW and then have to share him. Enjoy your little guy, they grow up so fast! Have a great skid free weekend.
Thanks Jen!! I will enjoy
Thanks Jen!! I will enjoy this weekend.. for sure, i think that dh is looking forward to it as well.. I so wish I could stay home w/the baby past Labor Day.. I am dreading that day that I have to go back to work.. and its not for like another 4 mths!! I dont want to miss anything!