Need advice on disengaging
Hi everyone..
I have read how many of tried disengaging.. and I really need to know how to do it. Let me give you a synopsis of my past few days...
Last Friday my DH picked up the skids from the bm. She once again provided a permission slip for DH to take them out of state w/a medical clause that once again left me off the list of people that can get the children medical care in case my dh is unable. This ticks me off, because of all the things I do for these kids.. and she is acting like I dont exist. My reaction to this whole thing (because I was hoping that she learned from our trip to FL over the summer that specifically leaving me off the letter was a bad idea) I broke out in a rash on my neck.. YEP.. had to use benedryl and everything. I informed my DH that he should advise her that should something happen when they are left in my care, I will call 911 (that is what I would do for a stranger) and give them the BM's phone numbers once help had arrived.. and that would be IT!
Then my DH lost his stupid cell phone on the trip from the airport at home.. point A to his parents house several states away.. point B. This somehow was a point of contention w/her.. as she left a nasty vmail on his phone which he didnt think I could hear (taught him how to check his vmail w/o a phone.. ) and she left a snide remark on my vmail... AGAIN.. my reaction and response to this is to tell her off.
Meanwhile.. SD9 is being fresh and rude to me the whole time.. even trying to pit her 5 yr old cousin against me... During these periods, I would retreat to my room in the over crowded house and read... The last time I retreated.. on the last day visiting, my dh got mad at me and actually called me a be otch.. but not in a joking way... more the muttering I hate you way... I called him on it.. in front of everyone, because he wouldnt go back to the room to discuss that w/me... OH WELL!!!
So.. he drives them back to the BM today.. and he explains to her how the cell was lost BY HIM.. that I dont controll his cell phone use.. and that if it wasnt for Frustratedinma, the kids wouldnt have gotten in touch w/her on xmas... (I went online and searched for the ex's new MIL's phone number, since they were spending the day there).. and that she should appreciate me more (at least.. this is what he said he did) and that she then apologized TO HIM!!! then gives him xmas gifts.. I told him that those needed to go back to her.. I DONT WANT THEM!!
I really need to know what you do to disengage and not care.. because I am seconds away from picking up my work phone and calling her to chew her a new one.. I just am tired of living as if I dont exist to deranged people.. To have my skids treating me like crap and having this one treat me the same. I am seconds away from blowing my lid.
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So....
how to disengage. First step. DO NOT call her right now and unload. Then never talk to her again. If she tries to call your phone, don't answer and if she leaves a hateful voicemail, don't call back. From this day forward ONLY DH needs to deal with her.
If she leaves you off some form...in the end who cares? She's doing it just to be a "beotch" (as your husband would say) and she's accomplishing pissing you off. So quit letting her. BM handed me a bill once because she needed to be reimbursed for an art class she had signed the oldest up for. Well, attached to this bill was the "in case of an emergency contact..." list and I wasn't on it. Her boyfriend who she breaks up with every other week was on it ABOVE DHs name. I REFUSE TO PLAY THE GAME. I shook my head and laughed at her feeble attempt to piss me off. She's immature and stupid and I won't sink to her level. I'm done even acknowledging her antics.
I'm telling you I have been a thousand times happier since I quit talking to her. I didn't confront her and say "I'm never talking to you again", I just quit. If my phone rings at home and it's her, I pass it to DH or the girls. When she calls my cell, I don't answer and when she leaves a message, I call DH and tell him that he needs to call her back. When she started calling me at work, I had DH call her and tell her not to bother me at work....ever. I don't go to drop offs/pick ups. Nor do I go to their soccer games, recitals, school plays, etc. I haven't seen this woman in months and it brings a huge smile to my face.
Cut her out. Focus all this frustration into something else. Maybe trying to mend the relationship you have with your skids. Make hating you an impossibility. Take those gifts she bought you and personally give them to someone who needs them more than you. Stop fueling her fire and let her burn all by herself.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Colorado Girl.. I havent
Colorado Girl..
I havent spoken to her since she assaulted me almost 2 yrs ago (leaving black and blues up my right arm.. no apologies from her).. and yet she seems to still get under my skin.. and I dont know how to just let go..
How long have you been doing this??
She only turned psycho after we got married.. before that she always wanted to be my friend.. ( I was nice to her for the kids and dh sake)..
I guess I am tired of being hated by someone.. and I feel all these things she does are just big f u's to me.. totally directed at me.
I stopped talking to her...
when she filed a false police report saying I threatened her. (5 months ago) It didn't amount to anything because I wasn't even home so no charges were even brought. BM is certifiable in my situation. She will misconstrue just about anything I say to her to I just quit talking to her.
Don't get me wrong, she still gets to me. Like when she won't pay the Dr's copays and has them billed to DH. That crap makes me mad but all I do is pay the bills, make copies and write the amount she needs to reimburse DH. DH deals with her. When she calls DH I physically leave the premises - I don't want to even hear the shrill of her voice yelling at my husband. I don't even want to hear their civil conversations. I can't decide which I hate more, actually.
Your BM and mine are very similar. BM can't quite figure out if she hates me or not. Her pattern used to be that if she was mad at DH and couldn't get what she wanted, she would call me trying to be nice. So I had to bite my tongue and try to reason with her in order to move forward. It ate me up inside. There is no one in this world I would allow to treat me (OR my DH for that matter) the way she's treated me in the past. So I decided DH is a big boy and he can handle it because I can't. So what I'm not there to witness, I don't get mad at anymore. So what if she hates me. I don't care about her opinion of me whatsoever. It doesn't count in my book.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
I think they might be
I think they might be related..
Before the wedding.. she would call me up and say.. I hate your BF or I hate your Fiancee... now she hates me.. she cant make her mind up at all.. She even has major blow outs w/her family..
Last Thursday she called dh... and I could hear her voice through the phone.. and my stomach actually DROPPED.. like I could have been ill. (I also was not expecting her to call.. so hearing her voice broke my sanctuary.. its like nails on a chalk board really)
I just cant believe that I had an actual physical reaction to that letter.. Nothing she does at this point should be a surprise.. she goes out of her way to be nasty to me.
The time that she assaulted me.. I could have knocked her on her @ss.. but her children were in the room.. and I knew the only thing they would ever remember was me knocking her out... not how she flew into a rage at me and was manhandling me...
I just wish there was a way of sending her my own personal f u to her. but for the life of me cant think of how to do that effectually.
I am just so tired.. I think spending 5 days in a house w/my dh's family and the skids has just got me down...
Are your skids nice to you?? or do they act out to you based on things the bm has said?? the SD9.. she is turning out to be EXACTLY like her BM.. and god help us all when she feels she is not getting 100% of the attention in the room..
Honestly.. we took some family photos for his family on Monday.. and she was majorly pouting when the photographer started taking pics of the kids individually and she was not the one being photographed 100% of the time... If there was a pic taken and she want in it.. she was being a royal pain... and spoiled brat..
I could keep going on as you can see.. I am just so tired.
You know what...
your "personal f u" .....is your husband. You have what she could never keep. Nurture that relationship and be as happy as you possibly can. Do it for yourself in spite of the turmoil she causes. Nothing will bother her more.
My skids. Fortunately, they adore me. They also are the few "chosen" ones who can see past BM and are immune to her opinion of DH and me. They know that their mom is a goofball so they don't put value into what she says about us. Everytime they act like their mother I just attempt to correct it the best I can. Example. BMs favorite two words are ALWAYS and NEVER. Nothing is always and never and it's her dramatic use of them that drives me CRAZY. I have outlawed these two words in my home. Skids reply is that "Mom uses them"....well not in our home. "I'm bored" and "I'm starving" are another few dramtic phrases I have outlawed. If your SD is acting like a spoiled brat, call her on it. Poke a little fun at her. "Are you pouting because you're not in the picture?" "Everyone get out of the picture because SD9 is the next Kate Moss...." "Can WE take a picture with your highness!?!?"
These kids are an extension of their BM and these traits that we dislike in their mother shines brighter than usual in them. They probably are going to grow up being royal pains....but we can try. I can also be that shoulder they cry on when their mom choses to fleet off to NY with her stupid boyfriend instead of going to their soccer tournament. That's what I'm here for to help pick up the pieces of a dysfunctional marriage that's only benefecial result was three beautiful little girls.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Colorado Girl.. I wish I
Colorado Girl..
I wish I could be as tolerant as you.. I am going to try.. I just know after 120 hrs straight w/these kids and having to make sure they communicate w/their BM I am just so tired and worn down.
Funny about what you would have said to sd9.. my BIL actually said some of those things.. she didnt find it funny when he said it.. but THANK GOD it wasnt me.. HA.. (as you must already know.. I am the evil step mom).
If I do any sort of poking fun at these kids.. my dh gets a little bent out of shape... like when they came in and left the front door wide open.. i used one of my mom's famous lines.. What.. were you raised in a barn??? Close that door, its cold outside and your letting all the heat out..
Yep.. he didnt like that gem.
The skids used to adore me.. they stopped the summer after we got married.. it was like a switch was flipped.. and now they are just unhappy, angry little kids.. both 9. The son is way more tolerable than the sd. I actually enjoyed my time w/SS over xmas.. the girls were ignoring him.. and I was more than willing to hang out w/him and play games..
I just wish my life would get easier.. and not harder.
What great advise Colorado
What great advise Colorado Girl!!! Boy I needed that too!!! I like the outlaw part and poking a little fun towards the SD I go through that too!!
I'm not that tolerant...
it's all a show.
That and BM gave me an ulcer. I had to do something. This last hiatus (she filed a motion filled with lies and she demanded more time and more $) had me beside myself. I was ready to give up on my marriage. She was costing me money, my time, my health, and my precious sanity. I realized it was me that was ALLOWING her to do this. I'm just learning to rise above it all. And trust me I've been through hell and back in my life and this is by far the hardest. I just hope that Mr. Colorado is worth it all....
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
Soooo .. an update on the
Soooo .. an update on the gifts the BM gave to my dh. When he called and told me how she gave him gifts.. and he was all like... oh they are nice.. I flipped out.. I told him we werent keeping them and that they were going back to her via the USPS.
I got home last night.. asked where were the gifts from his ex? He said I threw them out. I was speechless. He said.. I didnt want to bring them home and to the house after hearing how upset they made you. I didnt not want anything that was making you unhappy to be in our home. So he apparently pulled over at the next rest stop and threw them in the garbage.
I was extremely happy they didnt come in my home. Thought I would have been happier overall.. but then I felt guilty for making him be wasteful. He though didnt like the idea of those items going back to her.
I am rather new to this
I am rather new to this site.. but this discussion peaked my interest. I was doing so well disengaging until my husband was put in the hospital over Thanksgiving. I had to email the BM (which I never talk to because she refuses to recognize that I exist). She simply dismissed the email and TOLD me to have him call her. I told my husband and I said I don't take orders from her and I never will. She got upset because he never called her like she demanded so the voicemails' started. I simply ignored her which gave me a lot of satisfaction knowing she was just beside herself being excluded. Now maybe she got a taste of her own medicine. Sometimes not saying anything to the BMs will get you more satisfaction then confronting them.
aka So you too dont exist..
aka
So you too dont exist.. isnt that frustrating?? it bothers me so much.. and I have no idea why that is... it just does.
Sorry to hear that your dh was in the hospital.. I am sure that was upsetting enough..
I am glad to hear that you got some satisfaction out of her frustration.. I am hoping that some day too I will get satisfaction knowing dh's ex is frustrated about being left out.
I can't tell you enough how
I can't tell you enough how helpful this site has been to me. I don't have kids of my own so to step into this entire mess was so overwhelming. I don't understand why BMs have to be so nasty. I think about if my husband and I divorced I don't think I can ever be nasty as some of these BMs described here. The BM in my situation gets CS of course as well as alimony for 7 years. I was so frustrated that she actually makes more than us that the stress nearly killed me. I told myself then that I will no longer let that bother me as I can't change it. Thank gosh I have a wonderful husband that understands how this can be so difficult. It doesn't mean we don't struggle but it kind of makes the BM disappear when we can just focus on us. It is frustrating to not exist when you give so much to somebody else's children, but I keep telling myself I don't have to prove anything to her. My husband is the only one that counts.
aka... My husband says that
aka...
My husband says that to me all the time.. I know you do all this for the kids.. and I appreciate it.. isnt that enough..
I know it should be enough.. but like you said.. we give so much of ourselves and give up things for them.. and their bm cant acknowledge our existence.. its the least they can do.
I too have told my dh that if we were ever divorced and he found someone normal that cared for my child (not that I have any)well.. i would thank them.. not tick them off.
Ladies....
you'll never get a thank you OR a good job from BM. Nothing you ever do will be right. She'll always expect more and when you're cup runneth over - she'll say it's not enough. She'll always hold you in contempt as doing too much or not enough.
My advice to you. LET IT GO!!!! I can not express this to you enough. My girl luvdagirl says it best, "you can not have reason where no logic exists". Stop trying.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
I agree you have to let it
I agree you have to let it go for your own mental well being, however our feelings are valid. I am a manager at work and my employee's tell me all the time they just want to feel valued. That is what we are talking about here, this is just human nature. We aren't going to get it from the BM we know that but it doesn't exuse their behavior or that we can't vent this.
Put the dukes down....
I never said your feelings weren't valid. I was also stating that if you dwell on this impossible dream, you're gonna go nuts.
Ask yourself why you need her "thank you" or her "good job"? Why do you need her to validate anything for you? Why do you need anything at all from her? Are you doing anything for BM or is it for the skids and your husband?
It took me a long time to figure out that NO matter what I do, BM is going to hate me. All I was doing was trying to help Frustrated (and you) realize this simple fact. So feel free to vent, I'm not condoning you for that either. But maybe you should stop chasing your tail and start taking a step in the right direction....
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
I am just tired of being the
I am just tired of being the 800 lb pink gorilla in the room...
Fake it 'till you make it!
I am so glad I found this site! FrustratedinMA--you are not alone. I've had to disengage too--with 5 adult skids. It was really hard at first, because I am not a cold or uncaring person--just the opposite really. I just couldn't deal with the constant, unjustified HATE directed at me anymore. The unrelenting negative energy was truly poisoning my life and I had to stop it on my end because it surely wasn't going to stop on theirs. I could only change ME, not THEM.
So, first, I told my husband about what I was doing and why (my own mental health, for one), so he wouldn't be surprised. The I started to pretend that they were just like any other unpleasant adults that I had to deal with. I stopped making an effort beyond basic pleasantries. If they call, I either don't answer or hand the phone to my husband (I am not phone-bringer secretary anyway--they are not calling for me so why bother?). I don't engage in conversation unless they start one. If the conversation gets at all rude, I just turn around and leave with no excuses. I remain friendly, but distant.
Ver important: I NEVER EVER lose control or show emotion while they are around. I never raise my voice. I remain calm at all times. No emails or anything in writing. My husband and I have an agreement that he never discuss our marriage with any of them, and he never engages in negative conversation about me.
The result? No change in my relationship with the skids (I am still, and shall for the time being, remain the evilest SM on the planet), but I feel like a puppet that has opted out of the show. I am FREE! You know, it takes two to tango, and nothing is more frustrating than someone who refuses to engage. I am in the power position here, and I can choose who to engage with. I don't choose them.
So, from a kindred soul in MA, I want you to know that you, too, are in the power position. It will be hard, but you can disengage the negative energy and let your husband take it on. Don't play the game anymore--if you do, you grant the BM power over you. Put on a coat of teflon and pretend that you don't care--eventually you'll feel more in control. Smile when you start to boil inside--it works!
Sarah 101... Thanks.. I am
Sarah 101...
Thanks.. I am working hard on my disengaging.. My DH picks up the skids Saturday for their overnight and a mini "christmas" w/my family.
I hope that I become as good as you and Colorado Girl at disengaging.. because I NEED THIS....
I am however saving all her "letters" which omit me from helping those children.. and will have them w/me should she ever decide to haul us into court. I have also told my DH that I wish to NEVER be left alone w/his children considering my hands are tied... if he wants them for a weekend.. then he MUST be there... otherwise.. they arent coming up.
Lets hope this works!!!