Patience, patience...
Okay, so I'm on the rag and hormonal. But this is the venting place, right?
I'm sad and pissed right now because I look back on my life and see that I'm always waiting for something to happen before I can have what I'm working for. And it never seems to happen. God, it seems so stupid to say that out loud but I'm still angry about it.
I grew up waiting for my parents to get their shit together and take care of us kids (one of them did, mostly - but I didn't benefit from it and my younger siblings have only somewhat).
I've spent my 20s figuring a lot of stuff out and leaving a lot of garbage behind.
I figured out what I want and what I need, and I'm trying to build my life to receive it.
I learned how to speak up for myself and define what I need to others.
I learned how to listen and give the people I care about what they need.
Not getting into the long story, but I've had a few relationships where I gave up a lot, and it hurt. Sometimes for others, and sometimes because I thought it would bring me happiness in the long run. I was accommodating the situation at the time. In each of those cases, I was wrong, but I've had some strong "school of life" style lessons. I've learned that I shouldn't compromise myself.
And now look at me! I've worked my ass off and have a job I get satisfaction from, make okay money at, and I'm good at it. I have a couple of dear friends I can count on. I have a comfortable apartment and prospects for the future without taking anyone else into account. I'm building a life for myself that doesn't rely on anyone else, and I'm very happy about that.
But then, the final piece: I want a partner in this! I think I might have found one in my SO. We match in so many ways, and I think our long term goals mesh well. But how do you talk to someone about this, to figure out if it can actually work, when they're still managing the fallout from what came before?
How do you ask for things before you have a right to?
I feel like I should clarify that: my SO and I have been together less than a year. I am still trying to figure out if this can work, as is he. I know what is important to me but I feel guilty asking for some things because we are still so new. But how else can you know, how else can you move forward? I feel like I need to know these things before sooner rather than later.
I worry about how our hypothetical kid would be accepted by his son (who has a very normal but manageable case of only child syndrome). I worry about moving into the old marital home (because he can't afford to sell it, and it's his son's home and he wouldn't want to disrupt that) and being able to make it my home as well. I don't want to be an outsider.
I suppose I could make this post a hundred pages long with what I worry about. Most of it is stupid and fleeting, but some of it is well and truly valid.
So yeah, I guess now I have to wait until he's ready. But it's not fair. He married BM after a month and stayed loyal for years after he regretted it. I give that kind of loyalty, what else do I have to do to receive it? I'll earn it far more than she ever had but she's burned him so hard and he even admits to not being sure he can let someone else in the same way. No, it's not fair.
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Comments
My dh and I had a lot of
My dh and I had a lot of trouble when we first got together. He had just left an abusive 13 year marriage. He was traumatized and scared. We broke up a total of ten times for no reason, all him. We went to counseling, broke up, he got medication. Finally it was starting over with the understanding that we have to be cometary open. He has to tell me what's going on, I have to assure him and reassure him I'm not going anywhere, I love him, he's my best friend. The second we met he was a missing piece of my heart, and I didn't know it was even missing. We are now very happily married. He's a keeper, and I am SO glad I didn't give up on him. If you feel what I do in my heart, let him know the things you need and want. Communicate, and be patient. Divorce is tramatizing for these guys too!
1.) you need to wait 2.) you
1.) you need to wait
2.) you need to realize that if you have a kid, your skid will get over it. He may not like it, but who cares? Will they be best buds? Maybe not. If the situation with you and SO goes south once you have a kid, you are stuck so again, refer to #1. Wait for a while before committing, then wait even longer before getting pregnant. And there are no guarantees.
3.) Even if your SO was baggage-free, your life could still get ugly and messy and he turn out to be a total butt...so everything is risky. If you wait, you will know if you want to risk it for him or not.
My $0.02
Oh, I plan on waiting. This
Oh, I plan on waiting. This fellow has a heart of gold and is absolutely worth it. His marriage scarred him deeply and I respect him enough to allow him to work through it the way he needs to.
Doesn't make it any easier or less scary.
I guess I wasn't looking for advice so much as just getting it out.
I had to wait 8 years for my
I had to wait 8 years for my DH to get himself back to a place, as an individual, where he was able to feel comfortable with getting married again.
It did feel unfair. I felt like I was having to pay in dealing with the damage caused by BM. I felt like I was having to suffer the consequences for her actions.
I tried, for several years, to nudge him forward but then realized that in order for him to be able to come to a new marriage & bring to it, what I needed him to bring to it, I had to allow him the time he needed to heal & find himself & decide on his own that he wanted & was ready to commit to me.
I was certain that I wanted to remarry after my divorce & I was certain, 6 years before he was, that I wanted to marry him.
We did live in his marital home for a couple of years. I know some people can & have done it & have been able to make adjustments & changes & feel fine with it. Not me. I had nightmares about BM being in "our/her" home as a ghost on a regular basis. I just always felt like a part of her was & would always be there. I could never find peace in that house.
Kids struggle with things like that, but it can be exciting for them too. It's something new.
If you're at a point where you're trying to figure out whether this is where you want to be & who you want to invest your time & emotions in, I think it's fine to ask questions. You say less than a year, but given the thought you're putting into it, I assume your talking maybe 7-9 months?
Talk to him about what you're thinking & feeling. Certainly some input from you will give him more to consider if he's looking to have a real future with you. Don't assume he processes things the way you do. Don't assume he knows that you want a different house. The only way to find resolve is to talk to the person who can help you get there.
It never hurts to try to get on the same page. Answers are much easier to get that way. Share your concerns. He may be more open to making adjustments than you think he will if you'll share, with him, where you're coming from.
Yes, I have worked my ass off to earn his trust & love, but having seen his devotion to his kids & having struggled with him while he was trying to find boundaries with her, I know that what I have in him is something I'd spend a lifetime trying to find in someone else. We weathered more storms in our first 8 years together unmarried than I forsee us having to weather in the rest of our lifetime.
It really sounds like you've gotten your life together & it sounds like you have a whole to offer this guy. Patience...is not my strongest virtue, but I would not have the relationship I have with my DH without it.
"It did feel unfair. I felt
"It did feel unfair. I felt like I was having to pay in dealing with the damage caused by BM. I felt like I was having to suffer the consequences for her actions."
Yes! This is right where I'm at - thank you.
I do feel her presence there so much sometimes. It doesn't help when she comes over most weekends for the visitation switchoff and puts her feet up on the kitchen table or flops on the couch. My SO is slowly but surely making the place "his" instead of "theirs" (since well before I came along) but there's still a lot there to deal with. Most days I deal with it well, but when I posted this blog I was just having a tough one.
I do talk to him regularly about what I'm feeling and he's been great about it. I just hate that her influence is always there and always taken into account. I hope things just keep moving forward as they have been and that my SO can keep healing.
Similarly - it took my DH 7
Similarly - it took my DH 7 years to get over his awful first marriage and to propose to me. If the relationship is good - then the other things will follow. In a way I was lucky as I'd already done the marriage and kids with someone else, so I was not waiting for a commitment so I could have children.
You have only been together a year - from what you say about your SO, its going to take a lot longer than this for him to come to terms with his past. You have to decide whether he's worth waiting for.