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Is it a good idea to disengage before you even engage?

foxxystep's picture

Submitted by foxxystep on Wed, 12/01/2010 - 7:30am

I was reading through so many blogs, posts, and other websites regarding step-parenting, and have realised a common thread... When you make the decision to take on a man who has kids, would the relationship not be better started when you do it from a point of disengagement as your point of departure. You enter the relationship with your stepkids from a point of being disengaged. Would this be a good solution to avoiding hurtful situations to begin with. You may also then give the SK's the opportunity to try and bond with you, as opposed to you trying to bond with them. Be coureteous to them as you would any other guest in your home, but don't give them the opportunity to hurt you....

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foxxystep's picture

Submitted by foxxystep on Wed, 12/01/2010 - 8:37am

That's the thing I was thinking about. I've mentioned in previous posts that I love my SO and would love for the relationship to work, and we were planning on gettign married. I stopped and took a time-out because his son FSS6 started bullying my daughter. I told him I cannot accept my child to be abused, and made feel unsafe in her own home.

We spoke at leangth last night about the future of our relationship. FSS6 is going to live with him FT next year. I said that until I am confident that his son knows how to act around my family, I would prefer that they bond and relearn to get to know each other in their own space. He was not happy about that at first, but understood that his actions towards my BD3 was unacceptable.

So, while FSS6 was a permanent factor in his life, and mine, our relationship started off very artifically. I tried engaging him, I'd get him something nice when I'd go shopping etc... Reality is this child is rude, does not greet when he enters my house. does not eat my food etc... Now that he'll be FT in dad's life, and by extention, my life... I will start off the relationship from a point of disengagement, as he's already proven to be difficult.

on the fence's picture

Submitted by on the fence on Wed, 12/01/2010 - 1:48pm

I chose to disengage from BF's kids about 4 months after meeting and seeing what they were. It has prevented the relationship from being able to move forward, and that feels sad. However, I am not going to allow him to move it forward as he wants to do unless I see some serious change! He needs to read a few books too and get a grip on those brats before I will let that ring go on my finger. I feel robbed by this, but I know it's for my own survival that I stick to this or finally get out completely.

I do not participate in his weekends with his kids. I do not have them at my house. I'm wondering what will happen when he has that one nosey little princess for an entire week starting on the 20th.- yes, he answers all her none-ya questions too- I hate that!

I love him so much and keep letting him back into my life, but I will not buckle on the kid thing. I know that love does not conquer all and that this crap will conquer love. It makes me so sad. Not good for him either. He is holding himself back from the relationship he wants. Not me.

Eyes Wide Open's picture

Submitted by Eyes Wide Open on Wed, 12/01/2010 - 2:30pm

I'm thinking starting off with disengagement might have been a smart move. When I met DH, our kids were all young adults. I treated his kids the same as mine. Got the same amount of gifts, spent the same, etc. etc. With SD, I soon realized that as long as I was spending, spending, spending, all was good. Within a year she was knocked up, living with baby-daddy courtesy of the taxpayers. And, actually told me she was "Entitled". Never got her another thing and haven't even spoken to her since. Took a few years longer for me to catch on to SS. I always thought he had bi-polar tendencies, but he worked and was fairly civil to me, so I let a LOT of stuff slide that I would NEVER have with my own child. I have to tell you, all was well with him as long as it was just he and I and his dad. If you threw in any friends, neighbors, or any of the other kids, it was a "no go". As time progressed, our relationship started to slide. He was showing less and less initiative in his own life, working less and less, hanging out with undesireables. When I mentioned this, he didn't like it one bit. So....as long as I was coddling him, life was good. When I became the responsible adult, he didn't want to hear about it. (BTW BM is not in the picture). For my own sanity, I had to disengage from both skids. Not exactly a shining moment in my life, but over the years I've learned that some people really don't want to, nor can they be helped. So...that's were we are right now, for better or worse....

foxxystep's picture

Submitted by foxxystep on Thu, 12/02/2010 - 7:39am

StepAside, that's just it. I read so many stories of Stepmom's who have eventually migrated to the point of disengagement because being nice and trying to engage these children simply does not work. Statistically the odds of having a decent relationship with another woman's children in your home, those odds are against us before it even begins. The relationship develops over time. So starting it off, not from a hostile disengagement (I think that point must be cleared, that your behaviour is not hostile, but rather non-commital), but from a neutral disengagement, it can work out.

to avoid frustration, do not set yourself up for failure. Look at the facts, look at the statistics. Most blended families take a while to adjust, so i think that the adjustment period need not be too strained from the ourset, when you are a neurtally disengaged SM. It may not work, but i am thinking that it may just...

foxxystep's picture

Submitted by foxxystep on Thu, 12/02/2010 - 5:05am

Besides our "meeting" on Tuesday, I have not seen him, as I asked for a time out. I am getting more and more perspective on the matter, did a lot of soul-searching... and I am not goign to rush into any answer right now. I have to consider that my pregnancy now is a matter of priority, and have to try staying out of stressful situations. I told him that, and he's happy with that. I told him he can come around once a week if he feels like it, but I would prefer if he came alone (he got the picture).

Sad as it may be, I know this is not going to work out. I have to try. For my own sake because I love him. I am doing my best to keep my daughter safe, and for his son to recognise that because of his behaviour, he's not allowed to visit. It will cause strain at the perceived unfairness of the situation, but it is what it is. As long as SO knows that I will not tolerate his son's behaviour, he'll keep him away. Its not sustainable in the long run, I know.

SO told me that he's taking his son for therapy, because he's learnt a lot of things that does not sit well with him as well, in his BM's care. I'm glad he see's and acknowledges that his son's behaviour is unacceptable. It is a step in the right direction I would say. My gut feel knows that it won't last, but at least when I do walk away, it will not be from lack of trying Smile