I'm on the other side of the fence
hello, I am new as of today. I have been reading alot of post for a few months now. my story is different. I am a "step"mom to my boyfriends son who is 5 years old. but I am a stepdaughter and that is the reason I am posting. this is my story. forgive me if it becomes to long.
I am 24 years old I have a 1 year little boy. when I was 2 years old my stepfather who my Mother married adopted me. my real father signed over his rights. my Mother has always told me including my adopted Dad that my real father didn't want anything to do with me. said he was a drunk and no good. my Mother said she would try to get my real Dad to see me but he refused. I grow up in a home where there was always yelling anf fighting going on. my adopted dad drank all the time. people coming in and out of my home doing drugs. I hated it.
I wanted to meet my real father. when I was 14 I finally met him and his wife. I liked them both a lot. I thought my "STEP" mother was really nice and pretty. My real father was so different from my adopted Dad. we talked and my real Dad told me his side of the story. and this is his:
he said he use to see me when I was a baby. when my mother would let him. he did pay child support up until my adopted dad adopted me. I ask him what happen between my mother and him and he said it just didn't work out. and he left. so he said she would not let him see me because she was mad at him for leaving me. he did say that he loved her at one time. and that he always thought about me always wondering what I look like and how I was. I actually enjoyed seeing my real father and his wife. they treated me really nice.
my problem is my adopted father got mad at me for seeing him. he believed everything my mother told him about my real father just as I did. but I knew differently. I was happy being around my real father. but my family didn't like it. they would say nasty things to me like pack my stuff and go move in with him always made me feel like I did something wrong. so what I did to stop them was stop seeing my real dad.
I tired again about a year later and it was hard all over again. my family giving me a hard time. so what I did this time is fed into them. I started saying terrible things about my "stepmother and real father just to please my mother and adopted father. but what I really did was wiped my real dad out of my life. he does not want anything to do with me or his wife. I hurt them both really bad. I told alot of lies about them. I even told my real father that he lied that he didn't really want me. or didn't even try to see me. I through alot of the lies my mother told me at him. but I know I was wrong.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I miss my real dad. but I don't know how i can ever face him and his wife. I was horrible to them both. I can't call him I can't bring myself to seeing him after eveything that I said and did. it's been 4 years now.
I haven't told anyone how I feel. I know if I did talk to my father again my mother and adopted dad will start all over again. I want to stand up to them and tell them That they should be happy that my father wants be in his life. I am happy and they should be happy for me. but they have so much hate and I have learned their way. and to be honest I have always denied everything nasty tha tI said about them real father and stepmother, how can I ever face them again? I would have to tell the truth to eveyone but how do I do that? I don't want to look bad yet at the same time I want to tell the truth. any advise?
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I would suggest writing a
I would suggest writing a heartfelt letter telling him exactly how you told us. I would write it without any expectations, but just as a means to make amends. If he welcomes you back with open arms, that will be wonderful...but if he doesn't, atleast you have a clear conscious and did what you could to make peace with the situation.
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“Got Boundaries?” ~BitchBitchBarbie~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dmbz8LpQry0
your a grown woman now if
your a grown woman now if you want to talk to, or see your dad thats your bussiness not anyone elses. First thing get in touch with your dad. tell him what happend with your mom and stepdad how they gave you hell for seeing him and made it very hard on you. So you had to end contact. As for your lies, appologize, let him know that you relized long ago that it was wrong but didnt know what to do as u were confused. Your mom spent so much time doging on your dad. You meet him like him and his wife. explain all of that tell him u miss him and your over caring what your mom and step think. hopefuly you will anyway. If you have to dont even tell your mom for a bit. Its not her business what you do on your own time as long as you are taking care of your parent responsibility with your child.
I have a line that I like to
I have a line that I like to use a lot: There are three sides to every story: Yours, Mine, and the Truth.
Everyone has "their version" of the what happened. Usually somewhere in the middle of those two versions is what REALLY happened. You will probably never truly know the real, raw deal on why it didn't work out, why your mom felt the way she did, why your dad gave up his rights, etc. This situation you are now should be considered a lesson learned on versions of the truth.
That said, I agree with Middlemom. Try a letter. Send pictures. You might have to be persistent for a little while to let them know you truly are sorry. Can you blame them if they are hesistant to re-build the relationship with you?
Bridges take years to build, but only moments to burn. It might take awhile to re-build this bridge with your dad, but it starts with telling the truth. You WILL look bad, but you have to be able to eat dirt for a while if you ever want them to take you seriously again. Tell everyone the truth, write your dad a letter, and try to start over.
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Rome wasn't built in a day, and my marriage won't be either.
I'm going to be honest here.
I'm going to be honest here. I don't want to look bad. I don't want to look like a liar. if I tell the truth to everyone then I will be known as the liar. even to my boyfriend. I have told him all lies about my real dad. I have made so many other people believe all my lies and they now hate my real dad and stepmother. if I do right a letter to my real dad and he does want to see me, then all the people I told the lies to will start shit with me all over again. I don't want to be the bad person even though I was. I could of told my mother that I like being around them and I have. but it would get so twisted and they made me feel bad. I did not ask to be born. I did not ask for this mess that my mother caused. but I did make the mess of more lies other than my mothers.
my real dad did show me the proof of his side of the story. he was told to sign over his rights because I needed a father in my life and where my mother would not allow my real dad to be. even though he did not want to do it he thought of me. knowing that I did need a father.that is why he did it. and I hated him for signing me over. I grow up hating my real father because of everything that was said. he did not want to be with my mother and she used me against him. unless he was with her she would not allow him to see me. he said to me that he knew someday that I would look for him and he opened his home to be. my stepmother was very good to me. treated me as her own. I do believe I have hurt her more than my real father. she told my father that I was not welcome in her home again until I can tell the truth and stop all the lying. and told my real father that if he choices to see me that was his business she would not stop. and the truth is she never did try to stop him. I did it myself. I told my mother and other people that my stepmother will not allow my real father to see me. I told them that she slept around. she was a whore and lot of worse things.
how can you take back so much wrong in what I did without me looking bad to everyone including my boyfriend.
that is the tough issue I am having. I know i sound selfish for not wanting to look bad. my mother screwed my real father over and I followed in her footsteps.
my real father and his wife live better than I did growing up. and I hated that her kids did better than me. my mother told me when they would buy things for my for my birthay or christmas they were only trying to buy my love. and I ended up believing her.but not really if you know what I mean. when I would say bad things about my real dad she would love every minute of it. even though I knew the truth from my dad it was my mom who I wanted to make happy. sounds sick huh.
even today everything I know I did wrong and she did wrong I for some reason turn back to being just like her. and I hate who iam
Sweetheart, you need
Sweetheart, you need counseling. Big time. Someone who will help you work all this our for yourself.
I know you don't want to look bad, but if you are truly serious about wanting to be back in your dad's life, you will have to. Try writing EVERYONE (including bf, hell why not?) a letter, explaining EVERYTHING to them. EVERYTHING. That you lied, why you lied, and that you want to be able to have a relationship with your dad without feeling disloyal to your mom.
If your mom truly cared about your happiness, she would support you on this.
Hell, you could print out this blog and send it to your dad. That would be a start.
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Rome wasn't built in a day, and my marriage won't be either.
See my other post. I think
See my other post.
I think you should look at the situation as a chance to reconcile old differences. I think to anyone who thinks less of you, you can tell them you want to at least get on an even base with your father. If it leads to nothing, than there is no additional disappointment, but not taking a chance at reconciling with your father could leave you with regrets for a lifetime. To them, you are going to be the "bigger person" and trying to start new. I mean he is biologically tied to you, so no excuses are required from you (to them) to justify why you want to at least be on speaking terms. You can enforce that you only want a civil relationship, and do not expect anything more from him, so there is no way of future disappointment. In the end, you try, and if it doesn't work, then it is just another part of who you become in the future - the kind of person who can move past mistakes (your own and others) and embrace who you are inside.
wow... i feel bad for your
wow... i feel bad for your situation. You are stuck in the middle of this and it is not your fault. Please make amends with your dad again. hopefully you can explain to your mom and help her understand? if not, she is a sad woman.
I feel closely linked to
I feel closely linked to this situation. As a child, my parents divorced before I was 1, and while my mom remarried, my dad kept dating random women. My mother and stepfather tried to bash him to me and make me feel guilty for seeing or loving him.
The reason I say that, is to help you see how opposite things can be when you are an adult. Now I am close as anything with my father and not with my mother. As you grow up, you are finally allowed to shed what you are "supposed" to think and feel, and take your own steps to happiness. My mother was poisoning my mind with bad thoughts (for whatever reason), but it's only when I stepped out on my own that I really made up my mind on my own.
I think you should start with a phone call to say "I love you". Regardless of whether you know him enough to say it, or have hurt him in the past, he is a part of you, and for that (if that alone) you love him. Then you should sit down and talk. Whether it takes 5 minutes or hours, you should lay all of your feelings and emotions on the table. From there, it is up to him to decide whether he/they want to contribute to building a relationship.
I don't like to bash anyones mother (even my own), so I'm not going to tell you what your mother or adopted father is wrong, but it is just a part of who they are. I like to think of things as "you can't choose your parents, but you can choose your relationship with them" which is true. I recommend sitting down with your mother and adopted dad and telling them again how much they have meant to you in your life, and the love for them is as strong now as it was when you were young. Showing appreciation for all that they have done, and telling them how it has helped mold you into who you are now, should be satisfaction enough. If, after
telling them this, is not enough to keep them from writing you off, then you have to realize it is just who they are. They love you, and have helped you become who you are, but they are not the same person as you. Sometimes parents put blinders on, and after a while they don't realize they are not "always right".
I dealt with my mother acting like that by writing her off - which I do not condone. I feel horrible without my mother, but her actions and the way she made me feel about myself were weighing heavily on me, and I got to a breaking point where I had to stop torturing myself because of the relationship I "wanted" to have! I think you have to do the same. Follow your heart, stand on your own, and find your own way in this hectic world. It's no question that they love you, but if your mother/adopted father are meant to be in your adult life, then it will work out. You need to focus on you! Weed the bad stuff out of your life. Try to mend what ties you have to your biological father. Live your life to the fullest with no regrets & know you are not doing anything wrong (even though they will try to make you feel that way)!
It's a process, and will take time (as always). Message me if you ever want to talk further - always open to new conversations and views, and I know how hard it can be to work through both sides.
You are a product of extreme
You are a product of extreme parental alienation. I'm sorry. I think the best thing that you can do to finally free yourself from all of the lies over your lifetime (your mother's and yours) is to come clean. Anyone who's worth keeping around will try to understand why you did what you did. I also think that starting up the communication with your father by letter is a terrific idea. He's your father, he'll welcome you back and be glad that you came. Good luck & let us know what you decide
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
Okay - What you have to do
Okay - What you have to do is try and have a relationship with your father if that is what you want. I have one wth my Dad and my mom hates it. My sisters hate him as well. I love the guy and understand why he divorced my mom. He is good to me. But, I never discuss him with them or vice versa. It is no one's business. I like my dad now. I always say to my son that the Grandpa you know is not the same guy that raised me and that is okay. I like this guy. He taught me to golf and he has been supportive of this marriage. He missed my husband too, like my family but, he understood my need to move on. My mom and sisters are still a work in progress on that. I am grateful for my relationship with my dad. They divorced 15 years ago and she still bad mouths him to anyone that will listen. You have to do what you and your son need. My Dad is a good grandpa. He and my son text and talk on the phone all the time. Forgive yourself and contact him. You just don't need to talk about it with anyone except your SO. It is no one else's business.
I understand that is the hard part. It still is for me. When my Dad came for a week visit last year, I worried the whole time my sister or mom would show up. This had happened before with a screaming match in my driveway. Since that one, I don't discuss anything. I did a lot of therapy to accept that I can't change my mother or sisters, I can only change how I react to them.
You need the therapy and that will give you the courage to do this.
I still say Divorce sucks for everyone even Adult Kids of Divorce. Good luck. Let us know what you decide.
that's great you have a
that's great you have a relationship with your Father. but my question is, how can you really enjoy having the relationship with your Father if you really can't be open about it? I do understand that you just don't say anything to your sisters or your Mom. but you still live on egg shells when he comes to visit. how are you really enjoying the time together if you are up looking out the window every time you hear a car? not that you really are. hope you understand what I was saying there.
You sound a lot like my
You sound a lot like my stepdaughter. It’s been over 2 years since I have seen my step daughter.
She said and did a lot of rotten things. Her bio dad and I went through hell for 5 years with her. Her coming and going out of our life's. All the lies.
I had to end it with her. I could no longer allow her to bring me and my family down because she was manipulative and just down right mean person.
I'm going to give you my opinion:
With everything my step daughter has said and done I think if she actually came clean in front of all of people I would probably open my door to her. But slowly open my heart. For her father, I'm not really sure I think he probably would. But right now he does have a wall up and he said he would never allow those people to hurt him again. The bio mother hurt him by keeping his daughter away from him. And when he was finally able to get to know his daughter and she did the things she did he was ashamed of who his daughter became. As he says; "the apples don't fall far from the tree."
I think what the other post has said, about writing a letter is good idea. try writing a letter, you never know what will happen. It’s the first step.
Maybe your bio father will call you or invite you over to talk.
But you do need to realize that you did a lot of harm to your bio father and need to take that responsibility. If you try to cover it up like maybe it never happened. The true feelings of you and you bio Dad will never get the chance that it really deserves.
not to sound awful, but your Mother sounds very toxic just like my stepdaughters Mother.
Again just my opinion……
It must be tough, but that's
It must be tough, but that's part of being an adult...and the fact is that you need to make sure everyone knows WHY you said those things...I can assure you that most people won't look at you as a liar, as much as look at your evil mother and stepfather as the horrendous people they seem to be, who still at this age feel the need to control you through lies.
It is very hard to face, but
It is very hard to face, but I would think admitting that you lied about them would be what would help them forgive you. And then don't do it again. None of us ask to be born. Maybe if you think about your situation, and pray about it, some idea will come to you that will help.
You are getting to be an adult now and should make your own decisions. I think you should be ready to face getting a bad reaction from your mom and stepdad, if you do get your dad and stepmom to forgive you - I mean, there is little point in trying to reconcile if you will just hurt them again.
It may take time for you to find the right way to handle this. If you are still financially dependent on your mom and her husband, maybe you should try to get out from under that before trying this if they will bully you into doing this again to your dad and his wife.
I don't mean to sound harsh but I am writing as someone who has been hurt over and over by this same situation. The painful truth is you do need to take responsibility to make it right. Hugs honey.
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May your blessings outnumber
The shamrocks that grow,
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go.
~Irish Blessing