I am a lesbian and live with my wife, my ss14 and our 1 year old son.
we have been together for 5 years. We have been married for 4 years.
My wife and BD had been separated for 10 years and my ss had some contact but nothing consistant. BD was very angry that my wife is a lesbian and beat her (in front of her son)when he found out. He only ever laid hands on her one time.
When we met BD had only made contact with my SS on a few occasions the first year. The second year he was a fugitive from the law as he stabbed a girl he was dating.(He said it was self defense and he meant to stab some other guys but stabbed her. Honestly, I don't believe any of the story other than he stabbed a girl and went to jail.) While he was on the run he called his son twice. When he turned himself in he had no contact with his son. My SS was told he could write his father and respond through the mail but he didn't want to. As soon as bio dad got out of jail my wife told my SS and said he could see him. SS was 13 and he said he didn't want to talk to him or see him. He was hurt and wife backed him on decision. His father called once and found out his son didn't want to talk to him and didn't ever call back again. Fast forward last week during an argument with my wife and SS my SS reports he wants to call his dad. Within 15 minutes my wife has the father on the phone. This kid is excited and nervous and chats with his dad. Plans are made for him to see his dad on fathers day.
This guy gets to the car and starts disrespecting my wife infront of his 14 year old son he hasn't seen. Hes calling her names and just being an ass. He takes my ss out for 3 hours calls and tells us to come get him. (He expects us to do all the transport because he doesn't have a car and the train is too much for him. Its a 30 minute train ride in a major city. She introduced me as her wife he shake my hand and was ok with me. I wanted to loose my mind. How dare he disrespect my wife. He was the father that never showed. He was the father that took his son on drug drop offs. He made his bed and we were really hopeful he grew up because my ss needs a positive man in his life. He has a mentor but no positive male role models and we are both women.
While dad was away my SS has struggled. He has impulse issues, ADHD and he is a little cogitivly behind but you wouldn't know that unless you knew him. He lies constantly, hangs out with punks in school and steals. We actually have a lock on our door. He is in therapy he is on an IEP. he is always trying to be cool which often gets him in trouble at school and at home. We have tried everything to help but nothing has worked. Now this guy comes around treating his mom like shit and she just rolled up the window and drove off. She didn't want to fight in front of her son. She calls him and he blames her for ss not calling him and not coaching him to make his father part of his life. As I said, we asked more than once and he said to us and therapist he would call when hes ready.
SS comes home and he too treats my wife like an ass. Our baby fell and started to cry and SS response was "he's a man, he's fine!" These are not his words but words of his 3 hours with his father.
Father tells my wife he still is mad about her leaving him for another woman. (10 years ago and it wasn't for me) Also, SS came home saying his father smelled like straight up weed.
Now questions:
How do I learn how to parent (As I have filled a role, im not his mother but I am his parent) with 2 new people. Its a blow to my ego to have this guy have rights after not being around 4 years.
How do I support my wife without bashing this guy but also let her know not to let him talk to her like that in front of her kids and even alone. No one deserves that verbal abuse. She didn't do anything. This was all caused by his actions.
How do we make sure my SS doesn't learn the bad habits and copy his fathers behavior? But still give him the space to know his dad and make his own opinion of him? (We have never said anything bad about his dad because that's his dad. I know hes an asshole and I hope my SS figures it out soon.)
How do we create boundaries?
How do we get this guy to get over my wife. He's still mad she left him 10 years ago. He has a history of physical aggression. That scares me a little. I don't really want him to know where we live.
How much should my wife check in with father or should she have him call her? How much do we tell him about his son or do we let them build their own relationship and he can learn through his son?
My ego has been tested and shot but I'm not blind. I don't want my SS to think he can treat his mother poorly and then have our 1 year old think its ok. (My wife has checked him twice in 2 days)
My ss drives me up a wall. I don't like his behavior 90% of the time. I tried taking a step back and its been helpful for our relationship.
I hate thug baby daddy. I have no one to talk to about this but I hate him and Im shocked my wife put up with this shit for a long time. I wish I could just say stay out of it. I just listen now and im venting to you all. FML, Im having crazy anxiety and feel weak from all the drama and disrespect.