Please Help
I originally put pissed... I'm really not... just upset and confused...
My DD8 is a joy. Everyone brags on her. Every teacher wants 30 just like her. She has great manners and is very respectful. She gets straight A's and very clean. My FDH and her get along great. He works offshore so he is honestly only home for 6-7 days of the month. 3 of those days my DD is at her father's. She only sees him 3-4 days a month. She adores him. She counts down the days on the calendar until he gets home. They play together and have fun together. He never disciplines her and he's never alone with her barring emergencies (maybe 4-5 times in four years).
My DD8 sees a therapist. She was the victim of a pretty horrific crime committed by a family member of my ex DH. She's been extremely moodly lately with extreme ups and downs. Her father is bipolar schizophrenic. I addressed this with the therapist. The therapist talked with her today and my DD came home and talked to me about it. She says that she's tired of my FDH trying to be her real father and telling her what to do. :jawdrop: He NEVER tells her what to do and never even refers to himself as a stepfather. I'm around at all times, so he has no reason to tell her what to do. I'm just really astonished. She adores him.... She's even said before that she wishes he were her real father. Her dad isn't the worst but he doesn't take time with her at all. I'm upset and hurt. There is no way I'm going to validate this with her therapist. I am meeting with therapist tomorrow. My DD mentioned that she wants to give me some hints on how to be a good stepparent. This man has been with us through hell and back when no one else was! He doesn't need any tips and he has done everything right! I will not let DD turn into a stepbitch using my FDH as a scapegoat. I'm so worried that she's using him to cover up something bigger.
How do I approach this with therapist without her thinking I don't care about my DD?
Of course, FDH is extremely hurt and wants to do what ever he can...I'm just stuck
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Here's the thing, we saw a
Here's the thing, we saw a lot of therapists before we decided on this one. It was the only one my daughter felt comfortable with. She was sexually abused and has seen this therapist for over two years. I really do like this therapist. I just need some help on how to approach this. My FDH and I have taken premarital counseling and even attended blended therapy counseling before we moved in together. We were both extremely concerned and wanted to do everything we could. He is a great step-dad. How am I supposed to get this across to therapist? I'm so worried she's going to think I'm dismissing my daughter's feelings. We only get to see him less than a week a month and I know I try and spend a lot of time with him while he's home. I know she feels left out. I shouldn't feel so bad but I do.
I think you should validate
I think you should validate her feelings as her feelings. Maybe she's offbase, but she claims to feel this way. I know even adults hate to have their feelings invalidated.
Now, given that her father sounds like a nutter, she has been sexually abused by a male family member, and she identifies with SO as a "stepfather," she may be subconsciously "pushing" to see if your SO has sticking power. Does that make sense? She may be testing their relationship.
I would most definitely discuss this with the therapist.
As an aside, DD has been in therapy for two years? Why does she continue? I always wonder when people are long term patients.
Some information on children
Some information on children who have been molested:
http://www.d2l.org/site/c.4dICIJOkGcISE/b.6250811/k.B97D/What_are_the_Lo...
http://faithallen.wordpress.com/2010/02/18/healing-from-child-abuse-how-...
http://www.theannainstitute.org/wchac-ststs.pdf
The numbers are astounding. I just want to do the best for my child. I feel like having someone extra to help me look out for her is in her best interest. I will not allow her to become a statistic again. I failed her the first time. I won't do it again.
Oh I do validate her
Oh I do validate her feelings. I don't always agree but I always listen and understand how she feels and why she feels. I don't know what to think about this latest part. I know for a fact that he's not doing these things that she claims whether she's testing the waters or whatever.. . I'm not sure ... I think she may be projecting feelings. She also needs to know in one tense or another that he is a "parenting" or adult figure and he will do whatever necessary to keep her safe. I just don't want to go in there half cocked automatically defending FDH. We know all the "stepparenting tips." She doesn't specialize in this and I don't want to waste my time when something bigger could be lurking. She's been through too much for how young she is.
The trial has just ended. It has taken two years. She goes once a month and she will probably continue to go once a month until she decides otherwise. The therapist is certified in child play therapy and sometimes they do just that... play. Children who are molested are at a high chance of being molested again or becoming sexually active young. They also have a high risk for depression and drugs or alcohol. As they get older, they realize what has been done to them and they look at it differently. I feel that having someone to confide in once a month does no harm. My daughter is comfortable with her and I believe that if she has issues as a teenager, it will be helpful to already have someone that she trusts.