Arrested at a Party
Hey everyone! I used to be pretty active back when my stepdaughter was 11-13 (under a different username). Since then I've done better with disengaging and haven't really felt a need to post here, but I've been lurking off and on.
As I was about to leave for work this morning, my husband said that SD (now 16 1/2 years old) got herself arrested with a handful of other kids at a party. She had been drinking and blew a .13, which is about 4 drinks for her. Apparently she was drunk enough to decide it was a good idea to fight the cop who was arresting her, and ended up kicking/biting/scratching them. Right now she's either at a jail or evaluation place and she might be facing assault charges. I'm sure she will end up getting community service at least, but my husband and I are in no rush to bail her out early.
She had been to a party a couple years ago where there was drinking, but she told us right away when she got home (otherwise we wouldn't have known) and said she hadn't drank anything. We did not punish her for that one since we were happy she told us on her own. The parents even knew and didn't tell us. She also told us a few months ago, unprompted, that she had smoked weed before. It's legal where we live, but only for 21+. For that one we decided to not let her go to a concert she had been looking forward to all year, but didn't go further than that since she had offered up the information randomly on her own.
For THIS though, I'm not sure of what kind of "punishment" to go forward with. DH and I already know that obviously there will be no more sleepovers for at least the rest of the summer. SD16 doesn't drive yet, so that's not an issue. She does work until 11:00pm sometimes but we're able to see her in/out punches online (at least until she figures out how to get a friend to punch out for her).
What would you guys do? I think we will end up also putting her back in counseling... I know teen drinking (especially at parties) is not uncommon, but I'd like to take away any opportunity for her to blame us because she's "depressed" or whatever. She likes to flip stuff on us whenever she's caught doing something wrong.
Thanks!
edit: I'll respond to people when I get home, but a few updates for anyone who cares to look.
- She wasn't "allowed to go to a party". She asked to spend the night at a friend's house like she's done a thousand times before.
- We weren't "letting her rot in jail". At the time I posted, it was 4:30 in the morning and she was still being evaluated. The police hadn't told us she was ready to be released yet. DH went and picked her up at 9:00 am, right when they said she was ready.
- She fought a female officer and caused bruises and bite marks from kicking and biting. She might have to see a judge (we don't know yet). So it wasn't "just drinking".
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Ah so she learned that by
Ah so she learned that by telling you up front you do not come down on her so hard. So this time she drank (illegal but OK as long as your parents are told about it)but overdid it. Consequentially she got into a fight with a cop and inflicted injuries albeit minor upon him...
My daughter would find her phone removed until school goes back and then she would have it cut down to phone only. No texting or photos or apps. She would be grounded or at work.
She would be sitting in the ER for a few Friday and Saturday nights watching people coming in drunk and throwing up all over themselves. Community service may mean cleaning up the vomit herself. or cleaning out the back of cop cars of vomit and people peeing on themselves because they are too drunk to work out they have full bladders. It is probably funny now to see people staggering around behaving like idiots. But the end result can be terminal or VERY life limiting.
Oh and you know the worst kind of bite that is most likely to become infected? Human to human. So that cop may end up with a nasty infection because your SD decided to behave like an idiot.
I know, they all drink. However she has no self control and this is fast tracking to a bad problem. I did the same thing when my daughter spiraled off the rails. I thought it wasn't too bad. In retrospect it was. Getting pregnant saved her because she got her act together and hasn't looked back since. Get her into a teen program. And call all her friends parents to let them know she is on lockdown.
If she thinks this is bad she can consider being left in jail for the weekend or until her court appearance. Not to mention possibly losing her job.
The incident from a couple
The incident from a couple years ago was a sleepover that turned into a party. She was 14 at the time and said she didn't know more people were going to be there, and that the parents were also there but not paying attention. She was too scared to drink anything then and afraid of getting in trouble so she told us the situation the next day (should've told us the night of though).
I'm sure she's had drinks here and there at what we thought were "sleepovers" but this is the first time it got out of hand, and her terrible decision making skills further spiraled it out of control.
They took her to our town
They took her to our town police station. We live in a relatively crime free area (besides the usual burglaries and domestic violence type stuff you find everywhere). So it was probably the mildest "jail" type place she could've gone, honestly.
DH went to pick her up right
DH went to pick her up right after they released her at 9:00 am. At this point it's just a waiting game on if/when there will be a court date, or if she'll have a fine, etc.
I have a friend whose son was
I have a friend whose son was a minor and sent to Rikers. It's dangerous even in the separate wing. He permanently lost hearing in one of his ears from a beating he got from one of the other boys there. (Not implying he was innocent in that, but I don't remember the details anymore. The fact it was able to happen while in custody is what blows my mind.)
Thankfully he is straightened out as an adult, but it was a rough teenage/young adult life for him (at his own doing.) He has a sister who is only one year older than him, and she was completely different than him. Successful in school, work, everything.
Not only are they possibly
Not only are they possibly dangerous but from the kids I've worked with the make them worse. Behind around more problem teens can amp up the negative behavior. They "support" each others bad behavior and plant ideas in their head.
This is the ONLY reason I
This is the ONLY reason I haven't taken SS17 to an NA meeting yet. Small town & he'd just meet more hook-ups. Don't get me wrong, I know 12-Step programs do help a lot of people, but have much experience seeing addicts related to friends just reject recovery work because they're not done with the addiction and are not willing to be honest & do the work.
I'm pretty sure the parents
I'm pretty sure the parents weren't even home. Our mistake was to assume that this sleepover would be like 99% of the other ones she has had over the years. But we're definitely going to grill her in the future (when the reigns finally get loosened) about where she's going, parents phone numbers, etc.
SD16 does not have a court
SD16 does not have a court date yet. I guess the detective/whoever is still investigating whatever they feel they need to. The possibility of appearing in front of a judge is still there, but I'm sure we will find out more on a Monday.
As of right now she is not remorseful... she's feeling sorry for herself because she barely got any sleep and has a wicked hangover. We made her do some cleaning and do a few light yard chores outside. But the first thing out of her mouth was "How long am I not allowed to talk to my friends?" so it's pretty clear she's not taking any responsibility for her actions. She hasn't apologized for anything.
I wouldn't allow 16 year old
I wouldn't allow 16 year old to stay in jail if I could get her out of course. It's a horrible place for young woman. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night.
Assaulting an officer is a
Assaulting an officer is a very, very, very serious thing. She definitely needs a giant wake up call. It looks like the criminal justice system will be one to give it to her.
I would not want her in jail but then I wouldn't want her to assault an officer not mention be so irresponsible with alcohol. I think I would have to let her think a lot about what got her into that place and the weekend in that jail would give her that opportunity.
Once she got out I would make her pay back whatever was spent on her by the justice system. Find out what it costs to incarcerate per day and court costs etc. Make her save up that much and then require her to pay the taxpayers back. The courts may have a mechanism to do that but if they don't find a charity that is apposite to the situation. Mothers Against Drunk Drivers or Officers Relief Fund or something.
I would do a lot of other stuff at home, too. She absolutely must learn to regulate her behavior and to develop empathy for the people she has hurt including taxpayers.
I really like the idea of
I really like the idea of paying back. We aren't sure if she'll get a fine yet, but if she doesn't then I think we're going to look up a typical fine amount and have her donate the money to a related charity. If she doesn't get community service we'll be finding something for her to do ourselves.
By the way, a niece of a
By the way, a niece of a friend of mine got in to alcohol/vehicle trouble around age 19/20. Open container/underage stuff (no ax). But she didn't quite get the message and a 2nd or 3rd violation later she ended up in county jail for 4 months.
It was horrible. I went to visit her 2x a week as her family had moved to another state by then. She was hysterically crying at first every time. But slowly she calmed down and got her feet on the ground.
At the end of the 4 months she was very glad to get out and has lived an exemplary life since. Works in banking (must keep your nose clean for that). Was so proud to go to her wedding about 2 years ago and now she has a baby.
Some young people really need that hard slam with consequences. It can save their lives and the lives of others.
Sd is in rather serious
Sd is in rather serious trouble don't you think? Tell us more about this party dh allowed her to go to.
IF one of my kids did this, First they would sit in jail for a few nights. Darn tooting they would.
We didn't know it was a
We didn't know it was a party. She just asked if she could spend the night at a friend's house, and she's done that a thousand times before so there was no red flag for us.
When SS was in his early to
When SS was in his early to mid 20s DH got a phone call from SS's GF begging DH to pay a fine so SS could get out of jail. Neither DH or BM paid up.
I think he spent about 10 days in jail. He got into a fight with an elderly man. He deserved to go to jail.