It really hit the wall
She lied about the lie!
SD arrived last night with no mention of her report card. I purposely waited till DH was out of the room and asked her about her report card. She first said she got it last week. I mentioned it was spring break last week. She stammered a bit and said it was the week before. I said she was her the week before and both her dad and I asked her about it and she said she didn't get it. She was quiet for a moment, then said 'oh yeah, I did have it then, but I didn't know it was my report card. My teacher just handed me a paper and I put it in my bag and didn't look at it.'
Then I hear 'BULLSHIT' yelled from the stairs and DH flew into the room. DH lost it on her for lying yet again and then lying about the lie. She started crying as she usually does when she knows she's been busted. Then started the 'I'm always getting blamed for things I didn't do' speech. Ummmmm...you DID do this one SD16.
She's failing 2 of the 4 classes. Not her fault according to her. Teacher hates her, boy in her class is bothering her, class is boring, etc, etc. etc. She didn't want to tell us because she was 'not proud' of her marks. I asked how did she think she was going to hide that from us? Did she honestly think we would never ask for her report card? That was her hope. Good lord!
Then she turned on me...this was my fault she was in trouble. (said of course when daaadddy) left the room for a moment. I completely lost it. I have barely said more than a dozen works to her in the last 4 months but I sure made up for it today. DH walks in to me ripping a strip out of her and she sobbing for me to stop. DH tells me stop and leave the room to cool down. WTF!? No, this is my house and I have been silent in watching him be a lazy parent to this narcissistic brat.
Then He tells me that I am the adult and I have to try harder. Those words echoed in my head. I.have.to.try.harder. I remind him of all the crap she has pulled with me and no one, including him said a word when I disengaged from her. I told him that if she had ever approached me and shown one minute of wanting a relationship with me, I would have gladly tried. This was all on her and I was done trying.
"Maybe I should just leave then". he says. "Do what you have to do DH. Apparently I do not measure up to your and your daughter's standards." and I left the house to go visit my aunt for the afternoon.
I just got home and they are sitting on the couches watching tv. I am so disgusted by both of them right now. I will be spending the day at the library tomorrow till I know she's gone.
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I'm sure you're regretting
I'm sure you're regretting re-engaging, especially since it resulted in so much anger and frustration in all directions... but I can see how your tongue must have been bitten nearly off with this foolishness of failing half her classes, no one but you thinking this needs attention, and then DH tells YOU of all people to 'try harder'?????
Wind down, take it easy at the library... and practice NOT thinking about this crazy!
Sueu2...there is nothing I
Sueu2...there is nothing I want more than peace in my house. It wasn't the report card. It was the lying to her father. She can do anything she wants with her life as long as it doesn't impact me. The lying impacts me because DH get upset, she gets to go home to the blessed BM and I have to live with his bad mood for the next week. When her behaviour impacts me directly, or I am accused directly, I will not remain quiet.
Sue you are dead wrong about
Sue you are dead wrong about being able to create peace in a home when someone else is trying to create chaos. I lived it for 10 long years. My SD could create conflict (and did) with everyone in our home, simply to feed her insatiable need for attention.
The only way I was able to create peace in spite of my best efforts was to leave the home, and wait until she turned 18 to get back together with my DH.
Her life is still filled with constant chaos of her own making but it doesn't affect my home any longer.
There are truly toxic people in life that you MUST seperate from to have peace!!
Well I support the principle
Well I support the principle that a stepparent cannot care more than the parent. I found a way to make my husband care. A year and a half ago My SS17 who is a great kid was not doing well in school, was addicted to video games and counted on dad not noticing. I asked my DH for ONE semester to support me doing it MY way. He agreed. We removed ALL video games from our home (now a permanent change), put controls on his cell (no service during school hours or after 9pm), and homework EVERY night with me checking it against the school website as well as for accuracy.
By the end of the first semester he was a 4.0 student. As of 2 semesters ago, he is enrolled in a college program in high school and will graduate with an AA degree and his diploma. He is a straight A student and plans to go into engineering. None of this would have happened if DH hadn't agreed to support me. Now that he has, he knows my methods are successful and there is little pushback from SS because he knows his dad supports it AND he's proud of his own success.
Yes my SS is with us 100% I
Yes my SS is with us 100%
I thought my comment was applicable as either inspiration or as an idea.
I don't know enough about her backstory to know if she's looking for suggestions or not. What I have read so far shows me that she's a stepmom at the end of her rope and even if she's dead wrong, it's not our job to cut the rope. It's our job to either help her hang on or let go voluntarily.
The way I see it is that I will offer my experiences in both success and failure for others to possibly learn from the same way many on here do.
I have been helped so much by others experiences on this site.
Not everyone is at the same place as you are and may or may not have the emotional coping mechanisms or support systems to handle things the correct way.
You have a lot of good advice but you shut down open dialogue sometimes with your delivery.
I wasn't suggesting you not
I wasn't suggesting you not share your opinion. I was just commenting on the fact that a lot of the time, your advice is good and would be helpful if the delivery wasnt so harsh, that's all.
We all have our own styles however and I suppose that's what makes these boards so interesting and addicting.
Wow..sueu2...you certainly
Wow..sueu2...you certainly have my life figured out.
this is my fault. My fault for not wanting an otherwise bright child to put a little effort into her schooling so a) she can actually be something and b) she is not on ky doorstep at 18 as a drop out.
I do not have to justify my choices to speak up or stay silient to you. I let her dad handle her crap 99% of the time. This is a child that needs to see that her lies and lazibess will not be tolerated. I will not be painted with the same brush as some wak passive bystander that some of us here have fallen into. Isn't it so easy for you to sit back and pass judgement on us all. Funny how I never see any posts from you. Only judgements you claim are hard truths. If your world was so perfect you wouldn't be here in the first place. Cone live my life for a month and themln feel free to judge my choices. Until then, kindly keep your bitter comments to yourself.
And before you comment with a 'OP is only looking to be coddled and told she is right' comment, most times I simply post to get things off my chest in what is a safe, nonjudgmental environment. I'm not perfect and make mistakes inlike yoi it appears. So shove it and go back to your perfect chaos-free life.
Sueu2.....this is some bad
Sueu2.....this is some bad advise. Lol Nothing helpful with this reply.
Thankfully DH knows SD16's
Thankfully DH knows SD16's grades are all on her. The 'trying harder' is the lack of relationship she and I have. He feels that since I'm the adult, I should take any crap she throws my way. He asked me how I would handle it if she was one of the kids in my group at work. I told him I would address the lie exactly like I did and then HAVE HER PARENTS DEAL WITH IT. LOL! He had nothing to say after that.
"Yes, dh, I am an adult and
"Yes, dh, I am an adult and therefore I get to put up boundaries of my own choosing. DH, if you want to order people about maybe you should start with this young person here who is a minor, dependent on you, and for whom you are responsible. She desperately needs you to guide her. Personally, I've already graduated from high school so I'm pretty sure you're going all Dad on the wrong person here."
Very nicely put! Succinct and
Very nicely put! Succinct and to the point. I have seen some of " going all Dad on the wrong person " myself.
And while I may not agree
And while I may not agree with OP methods of forcing a conflict, I also totally understand the anger and frustration of watching DH stick his head in the sand as his children are drowning and feeling helpless to open his eyes to what he was doing.
Undisciplined and out-of-control children are hard to love even when you are trying and want to, especially when you watch them succeed in their tricks and games to pull the wool over DH eyes. It's an impossible situation and impossible to resolve in many cases.
It is hard to see a kid who
It is hard to see a kid who you know is smart enough fail because their parent to interact. My SS 12 has an A in physical education. WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT. Hes 5ft and 180 lbs and is about as active as stoned turtle. But he is however failing english and eastern hemisphere. Ugggg. Wife got his report card emailed to he friday. I disengaged from that a few weeks ago but.she has yet to say one thing to him. This kid will write 10 page stories with proper grammer and prety good plot lines for 12 yrs old but just dosnt do his work. Hes lazy plain and simple.
LOL at "stoned turtle." SD13
LOL at "stoned turtle." SD13 has A's in art and gym. Never has homework. Wait until HS. }:) We have her FT.
How does she have an A in
How does she have an A in gym? Last I remember she never got picked for a team by her peers, suggesting to me that she's not good at the things you do in gym?
I think this was a first.
I think this was a first. Usually if you dress for gym and show up and TRY, you get the A. It will be interesting to see.
Fed, my 2 cents is this: stay
Fed, my 2 cents is this: stay disengaged and really work to not say anything to your DH about SD, as in be neutral, with the caveat that IF SHE DOESN'T LAUNCH SHE WILL NEVER USE YOUR HOUSE TO CRASH.