Yeah, I'd be super pissed if my DH told me he'd been talking about our problems to a bunch of internet strangers, so I think that was the wrong call. Hope you guys can work it out.

She tried to discuss it with him prior to no avail..... I don’t think it is uncalled for. That is the thing it is confidential and so really what she is doing is showing that others would feel the same and that she is having a human emotion and reaction and that her thoughts and feelings aren’t unreasonable and worth listening to. I don’t see what is wrong with that? I think that it is much worse that her husband is disregarding how she feels. She didn’t say “I made a decision get out and look”,  she said that she feels hurt and that others would too so her feelings aren’t right out to lunch.

She is a human being too and has a right to receive support. Whether that is from a face to face support group, a therapist, friends or *gasp* an online support group for stepparents. 

She was struggling because her feelings were being disregarded and invalidated. She dealt with it how she felt best, she was trying to rectify the problem and still is.... it is also up to him to meet her half way on this.

He isn’t there to support her because his hands are tied through this supporting his ex. 

I can safely say right now that not many people in life would turn a cheek to what is going on here.... and I would say a good chunk would leave themselves. She didn’t do that she was trying to rectify and put things back on the right path, he is the one deciding he wants a break to focus on his ex wife right now. 

He is also doing this and leaving her to deal with her 2 year old on her own so he can help his ex wife. This is his choice right now. Keep in mind that his only responsibility to his ex wife is helping with the kids..... he is deciding he wants to be there for his ex as her main source of support. This honestly sounds like the direction he was heading in anyways from the previous post that they are in constant contact and that he is driving her to all appts, etc. That is going far beyond me above. 

Dont critique how she handled it after the fact, or think that she is acting like a robot over what “people on the internet” told her- she was feeling guilt over how she was feeling and showing the responses was her way of saying “hey, this is how people in the same situation would feel... im not a monster”. And there is nothing wrong with that.

I know this won't make me any friends here. But yes, you are being heartless. Your step kids are about to lose their mother and all you can think about is yourself. It is not wrong to think about yourself. But it is wrong when it is to the exclusion of other people's tragic circumstances.  

There were so many ways to do this. But frankly you were given BAD advice. 

You can save this - AND get more time with your husband. It's not wrong to ask him to row back a little and make sure you get good quality, positive time. 

My ex has no family nearby. I would do what I could for my ex if he were in this situation - even knowing he would not do the same for me. My SO's ex doesn't live close by, but I know he would do what he could to support her in this situation. Even though I know she wouldn't do the same for him. And that's WHY I love him. 

You are feeling hurt, betrayed and heartbroken and he doesn't care. He would rather end it than work on it. You received excellent advice and now you know exactly where you stand with him. I'm sorry you're heartbroken, but now you can start to heal rather than wait around while he piles on the hurt.

And my god, breast cancer is not a death sentence!! The chances are very likely that she will be just fine. So no, you are not heartless. You have been very understanding, but your husband has not. 

This past July. I am ok. I am. It was very very scary though . And I am divorced . I get along great with my ex and his new wife. It never occurred to me not one time ever ever ever to ask him to take me to any appointments. I never ever discussed feelings with him EVER. He never came over to my house. His wife sent me flowers after my surgery. Your husband's behavior seems so odd to me. I agree there must be feelings involved here. Romantic feelings. I never wanted my ex in the role of emotional support for me

whatsoever. Nope. Uh huh. And I wouldn't want to break up my children's family if I were about to die. They love their stepmother very very very much and I know my ex loves his new wife very dearly . I was seriously looking at my life this past summer thinking I didn't have much time and I felt relieved that my oldest three could go to my ex and his wife in a loving marriage . Why would I want undermine that? Especially if their world is as about to be turned upside down by my impending death and sickness? I think you are right to move out and leave your husband because he loves his ex wife and not you . If they were on the up and up they wouldn't be behaving as they are doing. And I m saying this from first hand experience . If I were you I too would divorce my husband 

Removed from his breast tissue. Men apparently can get breast cancer too. All he told me was he had a biopsy and was scared and that it was negative. Again I never ever went in the role of emotional support for him. We live on the same street for goodness sake. I took him no where ! I let his parents and friends and family handle that . I am his ex wife .

i think we are really good at coparenting because we have appropriate boundaries and behave appropriately and that's why our children flourish so well despite our divorce

At least you know where you stand.  I do not think what your husband is doing is right, and I don't think you are heartless or that your feelings are wrong or that you're overreacting.  I'm not sure I would have showed my husband your thread on Steptalk, but that's water under the bridge and really not particularly relevant.  I would go to your counselling appointment on Monday, and when the dust settles see if your husband will go for counselling as well, both with you and perhaps separately.  It sounds like it's not just his kids that need therapy to help process his ex-wife's illness.  Good luck to you.

And it doesn't matter if others wouldn't be bothered by this. Some people are in open relationships and aren't bothered when their spouse has sex with other people. Obviously, there is a vast spectrum of what people think is OK in a marriage.  

No one can or should be telling you how to feel or that your feelings are wrong. It's kind of funny that empathy should only be reserved for your husband and his ex. Illness isn't an excuse to hurt anyone.

Perhaps the delivery was wrong but the message was not.  He didn't acknowledge her previous attempts to discuss, he couldn't be bothered with her feelings and helping her cope or finding a solution they were both comfortable with.  What she needed was reassurance from him and he was so emotionally and mentally spent that he could not spare that for his wife.

I don't doubt that the ex needs support.  Or the kids. Or even OPs husband.  But OPs husband should not be ex's main source of support.  Ex should not be OPs husband's main source of support.  The only people these two should be the main source of support for is their kids.

If the role OPs husband has decided to take is so taxing that he cannot be a husband to his wife - and I don't mean cutting off the ex wife - then something was going to give and it wasn't likely to be pretty.

OPs feelings are not invalid.  It doesn't make her cruel and heartless that she believes the participation in ex wife's situation has created a distance between husband and wife, that she is uncomfortable with that distance, that she wants to close that distance.

I think she's correct that the ex situation is absolutely the cause of the distance.  And yes, he is physically there and splitting time.  But where has he been emotionally and mentally?  Based on OPs posts he's been anywhere but with her.  And he's refused and continues to refuse to do so.

If he wholeheartedly believes that the role he's taken on is the correct thing to do for his kids, for a woman he once shared a life with then there is no harm in conversation with his wife.  He and his wife should be a team in this.  They should be supporting each other while he is bearing the brunt of the physical aspect.  But that's not what he's doing.  He's turning to the ex for his emotional needs.  He's shutting out his wife because he is dealing with feelings and emotions he's not dealt with up until now.  That's where he's wrong.  

If he had not shut out his wife they would not be in this situation.  Her bad choice of delivery is no worse and no more at fault than his unwillingness to actually speak with his wife.  His refusal to really share his fears, his feelings has only exacerbated hers.  To lay the blame 100% at her feet for the current situation is utter nonsense.  

OP I'm sorry for your current situation.  I hope you can find a way to be at peace with however this chapter ends. 

Your husband needs support more than he realizes and I think you can probably offer that and help him through this should he be open to it. But it should not be at your expense, no matter how temporary or fleeting the situation may be.

That is exactly it.... she is trying to focus on her marriage his focus is on his vows to his ex. He can be there for the kids, but he doesn’t need to be his ex’s hero s night in shining armour. 

Me and DH are friends and close with my ex H and his wife.... even my DD would find it weird if I was taking my ex to his appts and all that- I am certain she would even feel uncomfortable with it.

OP is not a monster, and she is not saying for him to turn his back. She is saying that even she would like to help- but she doesn’t feel comfortable that he is turning away from his marriage to do this. That is fair and that is reasonable. That is not cruel or heartless.  OP is a living person as well and her DH isn’t talking with her or concerned about her feelings in this- all he cares about is how he feels in being the hero in this situation for his ex wife. I don’t think the kids would think less of him if he wasn’t taking her to appointments or on the phone with her all day- where does OP draw the line?! Should he live with her now as well? 

You can show compassion without sacrificing your marriage. My exMIL passed away last year after a horrendous battle with pancreatic cancer... and she was like a second mother to me who I have known almost my whole life, I also lost my grandma last year to cancer.... so I know what all it involes as well- and it is a very intimate thing, especially being the primary caregiver.... that is reserved for a spouse or family. I would not feel comfortable with my ex H looking after me in that context and I would not look after him in that context either. I can fully sympathize with how OP is feeling in this.

The bottom line, OP, is that this comes down to what YOU are comfortable with.  Some people feel that DH would be heartless if he DIDN'T drop everything to support his ex; and others of us think that he can be kind and supportive with limits.

You have to decide what you believe and can live with, that's the bottom line.  I'm not sure I'd end my marriage over this issue, unless it was a pattern, went on endlessly, or I believed he really did still have romantic feelings for BM.

I believe that though you fairly said that your DH was making time for all of you, you were feeling insecure since the majority of time was being spent on BM. It would have been nice if your DH had realized that and given you some reassurances. But he didn’t and perhaps he didn’t get that from how your discussion went. 

Ive been bothered by this one because I know what I would do if it were XH. I talked to my DH about this type of situation. We both agree that if one of our exes were that ill we would be fine with all the help given as you have stated. If it were my XH I would be there for him. He and I were married and had a good bond for a long time before it fell apart. He is the father of my child and I would do what I can to make sure he is around for our child and/or ease the burden of the trauma of the illness and possibility my child will lose a parent. I would feel the same about DH helping out BM. And we would welcome the support if it was one of us and one of them was helping. 

I have a lot of family around who would also be there for me if I got very sick, but my DH wouldn’t begrudge me one more support person if my XH helped. 

Your DH may also be doing this solely for the kids and not because he has any feelings for BM. He may just be flat out scared that his kids might be without a mom so he’s stepping in to try to make things right. I’m guessing he’d be in hero mode if it were you, too  

I get that you are feeling insecure and want some validation. Perhaps if you talk again mention that specifically and ask him how he feels about the situation so you can understand why he’s doing it. 

I'm sorry you are in this highly emotional process. I feel very much for you.   From your postings, you seem like a compassionate individual who is merely standing up for your own boundaries.  People have different opinions based on their sentiments and personal experiences.  I understand how you feel ousted by DH's misdirected intimacy and hope that counseling will help you through this process.  There is most likely insurmountable stress in your lives. Clearly, DH is emotionally enmeshed at this point and the untangling of dysfunctional attachments is never a short process. 

My personal opinion is that when two people commit and choose to marry that THE MARRIAGE takes priority - that would mean inclusiveness of YOUR feelings and needs.  I can see DH being sympathetic to BM's cancer, but there is a point where boundaries need to be drawn regardless of any ex's life-threatening problems/diseases whether that's alcoholism, addiction to drugs, liver damage, severe psychosis OR cancer.  

I read your previous post and three things stand out (perhaps others who are vehemently commenting on here need to re-read it as well.)

1) I've expressed my concern to him, saying that we should be helping BM as a COUPLE, i.e taking care of the skids, so she doesn't have to deal with unnecessary stress.

On point.  You want to be a PART of the caretaking because that is how marriage works - together.  I think it is magnanimous of you to offer to support BM as a "couple." Your DH is excluding you and that is vital in this matter.  Why?....which gets to point #2.

2) He told me that she is the mother of his children, has to be there for her.

His world should not revolve around her because she gave birth to the children (Golden Uterus Complex). There's a load of guilt your DH is living with because of this dysfunctional loyalty.  He has to be the one to sort that out so this may mean therapy on his own before you can get to the "couples/marriage" issue. 

3) BM has other friends and family that are looking out for her- her parents visit her everday, her siblings (older brother and younger sister) also call her on a regular basis and spend the night at her home. 

Which means the energy and support DH needs to give would be to the children, since there is more than enough family and friends to support BM. DH is overly invested to the detriment of your marriage.  

You will have to work through handling the feelings of betrayal from you DH  - intimacy/trust issues may become a bone of contention for the remainder of the marriage because of the choices DH is making now.  I wouldn't jump to divorce conclusions, but I would give thought to a contingency plan. 

Get some space away from all of this for however long it takes DH to re-align his thinking to be considerate of YOU.  Take into account all the repercussions of the choices you make, particularly on your child - nothing is ever black and white. It takes a lot of personal strength to stand your ground.  

If BM was not single would her DH allow this ex to take care of her in this fashion?!?! No, not a chance. My husband would absolutely LOSE HIS MIND if my ex H (who might I add we are actually friends with!) thought for a second he was going to step in and take me to appointments, and talk to me for hours on end, etc etc..  

if it was the OP who were ill right now and her ex boyfriend was driving her to appointments and talking to her for hours on end- how would he react??

So why would OP be the bad guy for feeling her marriage is in jeopardy?

That is what the ex’s family and friends and children are for.....being someone’s primary caretaker is extremely intimate and what is reserved for a spouse first and when there is no spouse it falls on the immediate family (Parents, siblings, children if they are old enough). And she has that support system in place- she has family and friends looking after her. And OP is not saying to just step away she is saying to slow it down because she doesn’t feel comfortable with such an extreme level of involvement- and that is ok. 

I think the question of what would her DH be doing if she was married right now should be his guide as to how he should be behaving and indicate what his level of involvement shojld be.

Sounds like your DH saw the chance to be the hero and ride in on his white horse to try and save BM. He's the hero according to BM, his kids, her family, her friends, everyone but you.  You're expected to suck it up and take care of his kids while he goes and takes care of his ex wife. He's obviously forgotten the vows that he made to you but instead is renewing the ones he made to her. You offered to help but were told no so he gets to do it all on his own.  It's good that you cut him loose and let him go do what he feels he needs to. He is free to make that choice but so are you. DH may end up losing the mother of his children and his wife at the same time. 

I personally would not have shown DH what was written on this site. My DH has no idea I go here and vent about his enmeshed relationship w/his sons. I dump it all here so DH and I can have a pleasant time when we're together.  Not everything has to be shared.  

My ex and I are on very good terms. We get along and would help each other in time of need. But in time of sickness we wouldn’t call each other daily and wouldn’t go to each other houses or appointments. We’d offer help and perhaps call once a week and will send stuff like get well card etc Perhaps occasional visit. 

BUT we wouldn’t do what your DH does and I am telling you we are a perfect example of exes being friends (we stayed in each other houses and sent each other wedding gift). What your DH does is excessive and he likely has more than friendly feelings for her. I recommend separation and if things don’t change, possibly divorce. Then he can go back to her 

OP your DH was just looking for an excuse to dump you. This isn’t because of anything you’ve done. 

It sounds like he’s just relieved that he won’t have to bother with you anymore and that he is now free to concentrate on BM. 

My X has metastatic kidney cancer that has now spread to his brain. I don't call to check on him, I don't take him to doctor appointments. I don't make food and take it to him. We are divorced, we share children together, but I don't and won't care for him in this way. Your DH has left you holding the bag while he plays the good guy for his X. The children should be his only concern. I think you did the right thing, maybe he will open his eyes, or maybe he will go back to BM. Her illness should not affect your family. His loyalty lies in the wrong marriage

I can't imagine my DH being that involved with BM in our instance. He HATES her, but even if he didn't, it would seem SO weird and make my stomach turn for him to be that intimately involved with his ex. She had some skin cancer scare a number of years ago that she mentioned to him in a random conversation (they would speak about twice a year, almost always due to some issue involving money) and my DH didn't get all the details and didn't care to know them. He sure never went to "assist" her in ANY way.  Clearly, your DH and BM are emotionally enmeshed, if not more. I don't mean to be upset you, but I'd like to ask the posters who think this is ok where they draw the line. If he takes her to an appointment and she gets bad news, is it ok for him to hold her and comfort her, which would not be unusual for someone in that instance?  If she has a great appointment,, is feeling good and wants to feel more like a woman than a patient, is it ok for him to kiss her and maybe even have sex with her? Is basically anything that happens between them ok because she's  "the mother of his children" and he has to be there for her?  And if it's all platonic with no emotional attachment, how come YOU aren't helping with the driving to the appointments? It sounds like you have not been asked or even considered. In fact, I'll betcha BM would rather get no further treatment than have that. I bet she enjoys all the attention from your DH and may even be tickled when she finds out this has caused trouble in your marriage. If I were in BM's position, and while I sympathize with her, the LAST person I'd want with me in my time of vulnerability and sickness would be my EX, especially if I had MANY close family members nearby as you've described willing to help, which makes me think BM still has feelings for your DH.

As for your DH, to me, this sounds like your DH either still has romantic feelings for BM or has extreme guilt over the divorce. And when you brought up your feelings, he absolutely did gaslight you. HE is in the wrong here, not you. And I think most people would feel the same way as you. Oh, and I don't think showing him the post had anything to do with what happened. From your description, you were not getting a positive reaction prior to showing him the post. I think the person who said he wants to keep doing what he's doing and not be bugged about it is spot on. No matter whether you showed him the post or not, any effort by you to interfere with what he was doing was going to be met with resistance. I'm so very sorry. And although I hate to see your marriage end over it, it sounds like it's your DH's decision. 

I don’t think most of you comprehend what stage III breast cancer is. It’s not good (no cancer is),  but the woman is  NOT on her death bed. Stage III means that the lymph nodes are involved but it has NOT spread to the organs (metastatic cancer).  There is an almost 75% 5 year survival rate for stage III BC.  Yes that’s not 100% - but I don’t have 100% assurance that I will not get hit by a bus  

My mother had stage III BC and lived another decade before it came back. A good decade - some of the best times of her life - including a trip to Europe.   And when it did come back she lived another three years. And this was decades ago.  There are so many more treatment options now. 

As I am in my 70s I have seen at least 10-12 friends deal with BC.  The chemo does make one lose their hair -  but today ‘s treatments rarely cause nausea. I have friends who never missed a day of work during their treatment. 

I have friends who had stage III BC 25 years ago who are alive and healthy. 

OP’s DH is not dealing with the “mother of his children “ being about to check out of this world. She’s dealing with a serious health issue but she is not at death’s door. 

I’ve allready shared my experience in the forum (where TS has a similar post) but I repeat here since the discussion in the blog seems to be more alive.

I’ve experienced part of what what you live through now. My DH became BM’s primary care giver when she got terminal ill. He followed her to all doctor appointments, had long conversations on phone every day, did the shopping for her, helped her out with practical things in her home etc. Since SD lived with BM full time (her choice), I did somewhat think it was ok, since he said he did all this for SD. That said, BM had parents, siblings and a lot of friends that could have done those things for her. However, as for you, I had a bad feeling about the situation and felt that something was not right. Eventually I did read some private messages between them when he once left the page open one the computer. Then it became totally clear to me that she was not just happy about the help she got, but she loved him deeply and he did nothing to explain to her that those feelings were not reciprocal. Shortly after she died, everything became chaos, and the situation was never adressed or solved. His only explanaition then was that he thought that by keeping her happy and making her feel loved, she would live longer, and every month counted for SD.

Today, several years later, I still feel anger and resentement. I understand that the situation was very hard for him, but I cannot accept how he put me last on the priority list. I also live with the feeling that he is prepared to anything for SD no matter the price it has for our marriage. I therefore think you were right about confronting your DH now instead of waiting until things settle down. Then it may be to late to repair the damages it has caused your marriage.

I think the most important question is would DH do all that if BM was married or had serious SO? I am pretty sure he wouldn’t. Neither BM nor her DH allow that. 

So if that’s the case than what DH is doing is not just helping sick person but rather playing role of a man in her life. And that’s wrong on every level. I’d ask DH if he’d do all that if she was married and if he thinks her DH would allow ex to take her to doctors, constantly visit  and call daily