Disengagement is not ignoring her flat out, it's putting boundaries in place, and it's between you and the child... no one else..

thus if the child over step the boundary you have the full right to speak up and say - step back please, we talked about this... you do not need the other adult's approval... it's getting your own personal boundaries in place and not allowing people to step over it.

The bedroom thing is a main issue with allot of people... not even my own bio was allowed in my room, why should I allow a non related kid in my room, I'm sorry if your wife does not like it she just have to deal with it, it's a place that's skid free and where you have sex, you do not want to share this place with children, explain it as such - only this got my SO to understand... but then adults are not allowed to go into children's rooms without knocking

disengagement is simply putting up boundaries for yourself, nothing more... and you can always engage if SD behaves, if she treats you nice, you treat her nice... if she's like a brat yo ignore...

Bathroom and bedroom solution. Locks! Hardcore installing those the second we have our own place, she actually needs something, she can knock and you can respond or someone can get up, open the door and ask what's up.

Sometimes kids just get clingy though... I had to set boundaries... SD8 is my shadow, follows me, hangs on me, copied me... Sometimes it is annoying, we've set up boundaries though, DH helps enforce them. When I need a break I tell them I need one and DH informs them if they don't respond quick enough (normally they do) and boom. Problem solved.

The bedroom thing was a huge issue with me and my DH too. My bios were never allowed in my room without permission. I finally had to explain it like the above AND tell dh I wasn't comfortable having sex in our room when skids were allowed in the there whenever they wanted. He got on board but then we had a problem with them knocking but not waiting for an answer.

Im fully disengaged. I don't even speak to skids unless they speak to me, which they rarely do. I do nothing for them and take all behavioral problems to DH then wash my hands of it.

Echoing Acra, the issues that you have aren't actually with the SD, they're with your wife. Your wife isn't setting good boundaries for the child, so the child can't understand that there are any, which is why you need to set your own boundaries. Very likely, she likes the constant interaction with her daughter, likes having her underfoot and feeling physically pursued all day every day, and instead of teaching the girl what she needs to understand, your wife is satisfying her own needs/wants with the child's behavior.

I think a lot of people get confused about disengagement (I think I did for a long time). On the face, it's about learning not to care about what the skids do, but under that initial layer is the idea of setting your personal boundaries and sticking to them and learning how not to care about the *effects* of enforcing those boundaries, just as Acra stated above.

Does your wife understand just how uncomfortable the meeting with CPS is going to be when SD tells a teacher she saw your hoohoodilly in the bathroom? Or if SD mistakenly chooses you to test drive her new found sexuality in a couple of years? It's better to have these boundaries and rules firmly in place and adhered to before the need arises.

I agree you need to set your own personal boundaries and get comfortable with sticking to them. It sounds like your DW has created a peer/peer relationship with her daughter, and not a parent/child relationship. So instead of DW being a disciplinarian in SD's life, she's more like her buddy and feels she should be allowed to be just as much involved in the relationship as her mom.

This is the truth "Disengagement is not ignoring her flat out, it's putting boundaries in place, and it's between you and the child... no one else.."

You have lost yourself in trying to help someone else's child. She is not your daughter. You have children, you are responsible for and to them.

I love my Skids, and I have never engaged. I am not their mom they have a mom and her name is not dragonfly. My skids will tell you they feel loved and respected by me. I do not parent never have. I have rules and boundaries for our home and it is up to my DH to make sure they are respected and carried out.

The bedroom/bathroom issue is a must. I agree with the other posters, if your DW doesn't support you in your boundaries, set them yourself. Lock the door. When you DW is locked out a few times and needs to retrieve something, she will understand your need for your bedroom/bathroom to be private.

The step world sucks for all. I am sorry your SD has such a gaping hole that cannot be filled. Now it's time to make sure your daughters don't have one as a result of step hell life.

SS9 did the same thing your SD is doing when I first got with my SO. Eventually SO would push him away. I mean he would take his hand on his shoulder and push him out the way. Sounds like your wife might have to be a lot more stern with her. SO would tell SS look we want just a hug with the two of us.

SS use to always and I mean always want to sit in between SO and me. No matter what SO would say "NO I want to sit next to ASH. SS9 you can sit next to me or her but no between us." It took sometime and he still likes to be in the middle but it is way better.

Also my SS9 does not have a BM in the picture and has no memory of her. Her needing to have all the attention all the time and being involved in everything is the exact same thing my SS9 has been doing. SO and I both work really hard on it everyday from making him go read, or making him go play in his room. We say we are having an adult convo you need to go in the other room.

Not every situation is the same and not every child is the same. My experience is limited but I do know that me and SO being on the same page and both being very stern with him is what seems to be working in our home. Might need to have a convo with your wife. If she is allowing things and you are not SS11 will just continue to do them.