Mental Con't
Con't:
So, I move in. 1) SD and father come home late at times together. I of course get no text or call. Nothing. I know they've been doing something, but I get told when they come home that they went to some nearby town. Okay. No one elaborates anything. So, I let it go. Before I moved in I told both of them that if they ever wanted to do something together alone, I would understand. They are close, I respect that she will need her father without me. SD discloses once that they went to see a movie. Okay. No biggy...however upset with him that he can't at least tell me so I don't have to cook dinner. I let it go for quite some time. Then I finally told him that I didn't care if he and her went to movie and dinner, but would at least like to know so I don't have to cook dinner etc. He says he will try to be better. Ok.
2) I buy all the groceries in the house. He tells me long ago that she buys what we run out of. Ok. She has bought probably fifty dollars of food in 8 months. She drinks my tea.....tells me she'll buy some more.....but then doesn't. Got old, so now I hide my tea. I know....sad. Well, so one time I held off grocery shopping, we ran out of all kinds of stuff. A week later she comes to me and says, 'don't take this wrong, but I'm going to take over the xtra fridge in garage and buy my own groceries, cause I need to loose some weight' Ok. Come to find out she has an actual pantry in her room closet....cookies...etc. Diet. Garbage can has fast food wrappers...empty containers of cookies...pizza. Ok.
3) They make a big thing out of birthdays...dinner and a movie. It's a family thing. Well, her birthday comes around and no one speaks of dinner and a movie. But two days prior to her birthday.....geez they get home at ten pm. Hurt my feelings. If she wanted to have her bday dinner and movie just with her father....he should've told me. Would have made it less hard to swallow.
4) She takes like forever to do her laundry...leaves her clothes in washer and dryer for days on end. ya...I hear sorry everytime. Now, I just take her stuff out and do mine and put hers back in.
5) She locks her bedroom door. No problem till you lock my dog in there and decide your going to be gone all night. So, I broke in and let my dog out. I told her father. She was mad. Then one time couldn't find the vaccumn....I text her and guess what...locked her bedroom. but she tells me I can use the shop-vac. Ok...not! It has a hose with no attachments. Then of course two weeks later she has her own she keeps in her room.
6) My BD decides she's going to move down here. Awesome! She's here a week and SD and her share a bathroom..SD asks mine if she will mop floor as she has cleaned the rest of bathroom. I feels she should help keep it clean....if the SD would help clean the kitchen, livingroom etc...I would have no problemm with that. she stopped cleaning long ago. In fact can count on one hand in 9 months she has vaccumed or swept the kitchen floor. Anyhow, she gets mad and I find on his phone a text from SD that my daughter still hasn't mopped bathroom floor. he says he'll take care of it. She says he shouldn't have to do it, that BD should help. Took everything I had to not speak up on that one. SD can't figure out why BD can't stand her....? Hello...you can't complain about me to my own daughter. HELLO! She ruined that relationship right off the bat. SD complained to my daughter that a) She's being a bitch to me cause I didn't tell her her father was in hospital. (her father not been in hospital since I've known him!). b)she stopped cleaning house cause we clean differently and i don't clean under stuff everytime I clean. c) that I'm a bitch and need to get the stick out of my ass.
7) She made a snowman for me...with a stick in its butt. Has told me several times to be 'careful' on my broom, so I won't get splinters. But then says...I'm just joking you know that right? Sure.
His son and pregnant girlfriend move in cause they have no where to stay. My daughter and his BS get along good. None of his children can stand each other. SD tells his BS, girlfriend, and my BD that I threw away a box of their mother's stuff. NOT TRUE! and also told them that when she found her father's military uniform and mother's wedding dress...that I told her to throw them away. NOT TRUE! i told her to go take them to a dry cleaners so they could be properly perserved and packed. I wanted to unload on her. Instead I kept my mouth shut and left for the day.
She's mad that my BD gets along with her brother. her and her brother have an argument one day and my BD gets dragged into it. SD goes and calls her father...and he immediately comes home....to rescue her. 'And...SD tells my daughter that she don't want her here and wished she never existed. That's unforgivable to me!
He doesn't understand what she has done to me. And i don't want to tell him and drag him in the middle. I know my BD is not perfect...but she's not mean and vindictive! And I know if I say anything he will confront SD and she will deny it all. She is two-faced hypocrite liar!
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Comments
You and bf need to sit down
You and bf need to sit down to set ground rules and boundaries for yourselves and ALL adult children immediately. There is nothing worse than moving in together assuming that all parties in the household will just 'work it out' as issues arise.
Don't see where it's necessary to make any complaints or criticisms of SD. Both of you parents need to get a grip and stop this nonsense of adult children living at home with their parents. Tell bf that in healthy families, adult children don't live at home. That you value your privacy and are uncomfortable sharing your space in your home. If you absolutely must give any of these adult children a hand, then draw up a plan and budget for doing so that will cover getting SD out of the house in a reasonable amount of time, like 30 days. That plan and budget should apply to any other adult kids that might need help in the future too. Fair and square.
Your bf is enabling sd's nonsense by trying to be her best friend rather than a father. He needs to get very clear on the fact that his and your relationship together comes first, anything else is second. If he can't give you that respect and courtesy (or you to him), then this may not be the dream relationship you thought.
You should probably set some money aside and put an exit plan in place. That you want change is probably going to generate a lot of resistance from everyone, especially your bf. You gave passive consent to the existing arrangement with entitled SD by moving in before she was gone. They're likely to fight you tooth and nail.
He does tell me I come first
He does tell me I come first and that he will not allow the kids to come between us. I think he's overprotective of her since her mother is gone and she is the only girl (who looks like her mother btw). I did tell him that too. And I told him that it's not healthy for either of them to be overprotective like he is. I told him he can't fix all her issues. He did tell her the other day she needed to go to counseling. I was proud of him, cause she needs exactly that as she plays the 'victim' and will continue to do so as long as everyone lets her. So, I do try to talk to him about certain things without bringing up the 'details'. However, he don't tell me much of anything with it comes to her....so don't know if she will do it or not. And she never tells me anything unless it somehow fits into HER needs.
Thank you for your reply, i think you came up with something I can use....to make a PLAN for all kids.
I feel really badly for you.
I feel really badly for you. You've clearly made huge sacrifices for this man...moving to another state and uprooting your life. Most of your post(s) is about drama from and between the adult children. Let them figure that out. You should be concerned that BF is treating you the way he is by allowing this to happen. And, this is your new home so you need to claim it.
When I moved in with my BF he was very clear with his children: "you disrespect her, you're disrespecting me and there will be consequences...she has moved here and this is as much her home as ours so there will be changes. Get over it.". I painted and redecorated and the kids helped me pick out paint and wall decor. Granted, my skids are kids so I wanted them involved so they would feel positive about the changes. My point is that your BF is letting this happen by not setting the boundaries for his daughter and participating in not making you fully a part of the family.
Regarding his daughter, she needs to transition out. She has not kept up her end of the bargain. I suspect before you moved in he let it slides because he was lonely. Well, he's hurting her, you and your relationship by enabling her irresponsibility.
It's hard to move into someone's established life. They assume that everything can stay the same but it doesn't. You have to make a life together - one that suits you both. I suggest you outline, specifically, what you need to change and stick to it. If he's as wonderful as you believe he'll happily help build a life that works for both of you.
Good luck!
Totally agree with
Totally agree with Doubletake. Your bf is playing middle man between you and sd. The problems won't stop until he stops. Those 'dates' he has with his daughter that you don't find out about until he comes home late say it loud and clear. Actions speak louder than words, yanno?
You and bf indeed need to set mutually agreed boundaries as far as sd's concerned. It's possible those boundaries can apply equally to all children so as not to single sd out in particular. If there are issues/plans/complaints with sd that have an affect on or something to do with you, then you shouldn't be left out of the loop to find out what was done or decided after the fact. Likewise, you shouldn't be doing that to him. Not that you do, but he'll probably feel better if you verbally agree to the same commitment that you're asking of him.
IMO, there is absolutely nothing more destructive to a relationship than a Skid who runs to "Dad" to make sneak plans excluding SM, or whiny complaints about SM; and "Dad" who happily accommodates that. It's a control game for the skid, but like Doubletake noted, it casts you as an outsider who doesn't matter. If I had my relationship to do over again, I would have nipped that in the bud instantly. Not sure how I would have gone about it, but letting it run on made a smart boy with good potential who was already a manipulative tyrant into a worse tyrant. That "Dad" refused to see that he was fueling such manipulative and spiteful, controlling behavior. Wow, where is there any possibility of the trust and respect that partners should share after he's gone there? But that was my extremely bad situation. Not trying to cast it on you other than to point out to please don't let it go that far!
Thanks so much for your
Thanks so much for your advice! Now i have some tools to approach him with. You guys are angels!
Your DH needs to break away
Your DH needs to break away from his daughter. Sounds like they are way too attached. She is acting like his mistress. Very unhealthy. There are too many adults living in your house. Sounds like it is time to clean house...
Not going to throw her
Not going to throw her deceased mothers stuff away, that's just not who I am. That is for him to do. I think stuff should be saved for the kids, but when she finds it she packs it away for herself.