It feels great to be at work
Work is going fine. I'm still looking for a local job. I didn't have to work today so DH and I have been to a dozen places putting in applications.
DH is not liking being mister mom. He's grumpy most of the time and still tries to say how horrible I am with the kids. I remind him that he's the same way. He just doen't see it.
He keeps throwing it in my face that I called SD12 a bitch to her face a few weeks ago, saying it takes a big woman to talk to a kids like that. I reminded him that she later agreed she had been being a bitch. I also told him that he has no room to talk, beating his wife in front of the girls.
I don't think our marriage is going to make it and I am starting to not even care. I'm tired of all the fighting and everything being my fault even when I'm not there. I'm sick and tired of the next day, DH acting like nothing even happened. But I'm not leaving, he can leave! I have really cheap rent were I live and if he wants to go he can go, but I'm going no where.
Oh and he's hating the disengaging! Last night after yet another fight I left and went out to dinner by myself. It was 6:30 and DH hadn't fed the kids. At 7 I returned to find him cooking. He said "I didn't know what you planned on cooking the girls for dinner" I responded I don't know what did you plan on cooking your girls for dinner.
I found out yesterday DH has been lieing to me for 5 years. He's always known I've wanted kids of my own and always had an excuse why we could have them now. Yesterday he told me he never wanted more kids. He never had. He says we can't afford a baby and I reminded him that neither could he and BM but they had two b/c they wanted them. And why did he even bother marring me? He says we have to girls for me to love and that should be enough.
I told him that it would never be the same as my own children. That the girls will never love me like they love BM and I don't expect them to. And I didn't birth them, hold them, or nurse them when they were babies either. It will never be the same as holding the baby in your arms. That I will never have a 3 year old come home with a hand painting for me or have them put their sticky little hand on my face and say "I love you mommy"
DH says I jealous of him and BM and the girls. I told him no but I want the chance to have a family of my own too. I asked him what BM did better then me that he would spend thousands of dollars to get her pregnant but lie to me for five years about never wanting more kids.
It's a horrible thing but I'm really thinking of cheating so I can get pregnant. I don't need a man to raise a child. I now know after this last fight our marriage will never last. I can't get over him lieing for five years about something he's always known is very important to me.
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Comments
Whoa, chill out girl
Don't cheat... all you'll be doing is creating more baggage. Get yourself away from the toxic situation, get your independence together first before you do anything about getting pregnant. Make sure you're at least in a better place.
If you know your marriage won't last, why not get out now? Do what you can to get rid of this abuser & his kids? Establish a life for yourself so that you can take care of yourself & your child/children on your own, even if someone wonderful enters the picture?
Frankly, one of my standards is that anyone with a history of abusing (I mean real abuse, not normal human mistakes) is completely off limits. No if's, and's or but's.
Cajun Lady
"Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez"
Leave now
Who cares about cheap rent. This man is violent, mean & a liar. How could he possibly think that you would ever be fullfilled taking care of these foul mouthed brats that he & his ex wife created.
My ex lied about having a baby for years... I think he was just waiting till I was too old. Nothing is as wonderful as holding your baby for the first time or any number of their first verses cleaning up the mess of children who are raised to be beasts!
Take care of you before he hurts yo worse.
It takes courage...
to stand up for what you believe in... believe me.
I have very much the similar feelings you do, and I finally have drawn the line in the sand. It's never good to think and act (cheating) because ultimately, it's a sign of pain, anger and bitterness. You're missing something in your life, yes, you understand that. But it's not worth it, it's a weak person that lowers their self worth and value when you succumb to cheating. In stead, raise the bar, and leave.
If you're rent is good, then perhaps you can speak to your landlord and see if he has other properties or (if it's in an apartment complex) move into another unit? You can't move forward if you don't make the stand... I've learned that the hard way. They will always be there, because you set the tone, ya know? If this makes sense?
I worry when I read about how some people want to cheat on the other and often, I feel that will never solve anything, but create more problems, and issues, and truthfully... to me, it just seems to scream of anger, a means to hurt the other person as they have done unto you. Does that make sense? I think you can do much better!
“Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it's letting go.”