One week in
We are one week into the 6 week summer visitation. I'm tired but its been decent. We're trying to find the balance and I know my SO is extremely tried. He works nights but of course has to be up with the kids while I'm at work. When I've been off I've tried to get them out of the house for at least a few hours by going to the library or park. When we're in the house I try to keep an eye on them so that he can get some sleep.
Him and I have had a few minor bumps.
One over the kids. I know he's tried but it was a day that I had them out almost all day. They wanted to build a fort and I knew they would need help and so I left it to him. He got grumpy and was short tempered with them. I told him that it wasn't fair to them. They are here to see him and he needs to be trying to do at least one nice thing with them each day. He tried using the "I'm running late to work" excuse and I called him out. I told him then he should have said no to building the fort and could have done something else / there was still a good 15 / 20 minutes before he needed to leave and everything was already ready. Since then he's been better.
The second was because of his past. I got a new Mario game for all of us to play together. He was playing and daughter kept bothering him to play. He said no a few times then added it was because "I'm trying to unlock everything for you." I sent him a text because I didn't want the kids to see me undermine him. It said "She doesn't care about stuff being unlocked, she just wants to play." He got upset went into our bedroom. A few minutes later we talked. He tried saying that she had been told no multiple times and he was about to look up how to connect the other controllers so we could all play. I told him that he needed to stick to no then but the excuse "I'm unlocking stuff for you" wasn't going to work because she didn't care. I told him I that it was his choice and he had every right to tell her no even if it was just "I'm playing right now and you can wait." We had a discussion about how his ex use to act about stuff and we cleared the air. He took my message as "Let her play now" when honestly I simply meant it to be supportive. I reminded him that he is the adult and parent. He has final say when they are here. He is allowed to say no to stuff and it's his choice.
Anyway's we're still figuring stuff out. On a good note it's been 2 days since the 4 year old has hit. The last time was right after his dad left for work. He had already been warned that he would have more consequences then just time out and as such he had to "write" Hitting is not nice 4 times. It didn't go the way we planed because he wouldn't / couldn't do it? Ended up with me holding his hand and guiding him to write but saying the words out loud. I don't know. I told my SO that I didn't think it would work because he really isn't at the point that he can write lines but it seemed to do something. Like I said 2 days no aggressive behavior which is an accomplishment for this kid.
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We're trying to come up with
We're trying to come up with something to do and are truly at a loss. The kid has became more and more aggressive this past year while in preschool to the point that at the end he was biting, kicking, slapping, bulling, teasing, and lying.
At first this stuff didn't happen in our home because he knew better but the past few visitations it stated to get worse. We just don't know what to do. The kid does time out like its nothing. We talk and try to relate to feelings and that he wouldn't like it done to him. Sometimes big sister hits back but of course that's not a good thing to encourage. She's coming to us to fix it and we're trying.
I WONT spank him. Nor do we feel its the correct approach for it.
I mean one day we had him in the corner 3 different times for the same stuff and that didn't even include when he had hit sister that morning because she had already kicked him back.
So yeah I don't think it's the best approach but we really don't know what to do.
His social skills are extremely poor. He also shows no ability to take responsibility for his actions. I mean I don't expect 100% but I've seen him trip and fall next to his sister and he'll try to say she pushed him though that is in no way what happened. He blames her for everything. In his mind sharing means I want it I get it and if he doesn't he acts out physically.
I just finished the comment
I just finished the comment to the person above. I agree I don't think it will work but we're at the end of our rope. We just don't know what to do.
We've got a few feelings
We've got a few feelings books and I've been trying with them.
Anytime he hits we talk about what led up to it and how he felt. I help him put a name to it because he sort of shuts down when you start talking about him. Oh he can say that "she would't share" but ask him what he did and he just stares at you. Both of them shut down when they think they are in trouble.
I've pointed out that it's ok to be mad but hitting, kicking, ect isn't ok. That we need to talk or do something else.
We can for sure read the books more often.
I don't quite remember what I
I don't quite remember what I did at that age, but I use the fight fire with fire approach. So if he his is hitting, tell him it's not okay to hit people but he can go hit a pillow, and designate a hitting pillow, so he also knows it's not okay to hit any inanimate object because that can create problems when he is older. Or, if he needs to release physical energy, have him do jumping jacks until he is tired. When my SK were 6 I would have them do 5x5x5, where if they did something that showed me they had too much energy that needed releasing they would have to do 5 jumping jacks, 5 push ups, and 5 sit ups. Also, for the sister, we don't condone fighting, but we also don't want our children to think they cannot defend themselves. If he is hitting, he needs to be aware that people will hit back, and she needs to be aware that it is okay to defend herself when she is being hit. I didn't always think this way, but with the way kids are acting these days in schools, we need to make sure our children know to defend themselves!
My SS11 is the same as your 4yo, he still refuses to take resonsibility for his own actions and blames EVERYTHING on anyone else. I think this is just a personal trait and at this point I don't believe it can be taught, but it is still important to point it out that they need to take responsibility. Hopefully it sticks at some point when they reach adult age, but I am not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel on this one.
Hope the rest of your visitation goes smoothly, it sounds like you really care and that is awesome for the skids!
I had this issue with DH just
I had this issue with DH just this morning. DH found a new interesting game for SS to try out. SS was running around doing nothing in particular so DH asked for a turn and was figuring it out which was fine at first but after a good ten minutes I had to point out to DH how SS was being so patient waiting for his turn kind of a nudge for DH to give the kid back his game. DH had already been on it playing his own game before breakfast so it's not like he neverrrrrr gets to play. He took the hint without anymore passive prodding.
Both of us are gamers and
Both of us are gamers and though I felt he got slightly over absorbed I don't feel he went over board. He hasn't played since the kids got there but I have. Kids can be fine in the bedroom playing but the second I start a game the 7 year old is in my ear "I want to play" or "you can play skylanders" or "why can't I play now."
I just tell her no and you can wait your turn. He hasn't been playing long and she had been asking since he started. My issue was he said no and needed to stick to that. He didn't need to explain himself. He's allowed to play. They have plunty to do including 3 other systems in their room.
My issue was him using the excuse of unlocking stuff. Like i said she didn't care abour the extra content. "No" is enough. He doesn't have to explain more then "it's my turn." We talked and worked things out. He took my comment as a command for him to stop playing and give it to her which it was not. If he had been playing for more than an hour then I'd start in about him lettingnher play.