How to handle "coparent" events?
We recently had something happen that's been bothering me. I've tired to just figure this out on my own because I can guess some of the feedback I'll get but I need help.
SO and I do everything we can to minimize contact with BM to start with. Rarely something will happen though and we end up together.
A few weeks ago the oldest has a party during SO's time. BM tried guilting him first in giving up his time but he refused and simply stated he'd take the kids. This is going to happen now and then because of course the kids have friends and all that. SO tries his best to balance our home and "family time" and making sure the kids don't miss out on things involving their friends.
Anyways he agreed and that was that. Except we get there and about 10 minutes later BM shows up. She was suppose to be at work but nope. Of course she instantly steps in and takes over. Or tries to. Basicly what she does is tries to deflect the little one onto my partner so she can have fun with the oldest. She kept trying to push my partner into taking the little one somewhere else so she didn't have to take care of him because of course as soon as he sees mommy he knows he will get his way. It's pathetic really. He starts whining and throwing a fit and she doesn't know how to tell him to knock it off.
Well this time SO started to slip. I quietly had words telling him to grow a back bone. That BM was doing this on purpose. She rolls in and does everything she can to push SO out. By pushing the youngest onto him she gets rid of both problems. Basicly I reminded him we were there for the older one and the youngest didn't need speical treatment. He's 4 almost 5 and more then old enough to be told no you're staying here. Hand the kid your phone if you must and he can play by himself.
So anyways. Of course the little one is just hanging all over BM and because of her inability to parent or support my partner in being a parent she has to continually deal with the child's attention seeking which meant she couldn't play MotY to the oldest.
Anyways later I look around and notice the little ones vanished. I get SO's attention and he says BM has him. Nope. He asks her and she says that "he wanted to sit with you" then goes on to try and blame him. Thank God SO actually stood up for himself. He shut down her trying to blame him because in no way did she ensure the child got to him. SO knew exactly where to find him and did. He had run off to play elsewhere when he was told multiple times no. They were doing cake during this and mom was trying to take pictures so he used it to slip away.
Since BM had made no attempt to even pretend she was going to try and find him it was on SO. At this moment I did step in. I could see SO struggling to figure out what to do because of course BM's not going to do anything and he wants to be with his daughter right now. With SO's clear blessing I explain that the little one needed a time out for running off and I could handle it. SO truly was relieved.
As I have the child set down some of the other adults around see was going on. The kid is strating to scream like he's been beat. They try joking to calm him down while BM is just acting like nothing's happening. Since he's starting to ruin the party for everyone I have him stand up and we walk away.
I explained to him he was in time out because he ran off after being told no repeatedly. That his mom, dar, and I didn't know where he was and we got scared. That his screaming around everyone else was not appropriate. We sat together away from the others for 5 minutes. During that time SO brings us down tissue.
Of course BM doesn't do crap there but now she's running her mouth about it. Listen I know it sucks that I stepped in but she wasn't being a parent. She didn't say crap to try and support SO or have the child behave. I didn't lay a single finger on the child and the second we were walking away he was already calming down. SO was supportive of this action.
I truly hate this and this is the first time this has happened because the result was so exteremly. Normally I just sit back and watch the kid get away with whatever he wants or her bribing him. This time though he ran off. He could have been hurt or taken. In my eyes she chose to neglect her responsibility as a parent. By trying to blame SO for the child disappearing then ignoring them when he was found in our eyes she left this on him. Because she didn't deal with it with SO, I did.
I don't really know what I'm asking for from you guys. I think either way it would have been a shit show but atleast this way we maintained how things are done in our home rather then the kid just getting away with it. Because of her repeated refusal to coparent when they are together she ends up angry. She expect SO to swoop in and take the little one the second she wants so she can go be mom to the oldest but she doesn't support him. She doesn't tell the kid "stay with your dad." No she will sit there playing with him giving death glares to my SO. She be asking the kid if he wants to go somewhere completely different then be pissy when SO says no. We've been at a park before when she's tried to get SO to leave the oldest to take the little one to get a happy meal. No.
I should add that from what I've observed the reverse is true if it's an event for the little one but the oldest is much better behaved so not an issue. So reports when they were together she would do this.
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If the oldest kid was invited
If the oldest kid was invited to a party, why did dad take the youngest one?
The oldest should have been dropped off at the party and dad should have found something to do with the youngest.
Both parents were at the party and they both lost track of the little one. :?
This. Unless the parents
This. Unless the parents asked that other parents stick around, SO should have dropped off SD and left with SS until the end if the party. No need to stick around as nothing about the party was related to SD other than it was her friend (unless I'm missing something).
Your SO can stop, or at least minimize, this. It's his custody time, so it's his call whether BM is there or not. He can tell the little one to stay with him. He can tell BM to pound sand (nicely as you're in public). If you're willing, he can ask you to take SS. BM can't s*** talk all she wants, but if I were a parent there, I'd find it more than a little weird that Dad showed up with the kids and then Mom just appears because she doesn't need to be there.
You cannot keep blaming BM for everything and let your SO slide with things like this. It may be frustrating for him and you don't want to add to that frustration, but you are the best person to point out how wrong that interaction with. I'd be livid if I had to chase down YSS because DH was too focused on OSS. I get that your SO wanted that fun memory, but he has to be a parent first and foremost, which isn't always fun. Plus, if HE had to miss something fun to get SS, then maybe SS would get in trouble with Dad and learn NOT to act like a wild animal in public. He isn't going to learn that with his parents by learning it with you.
Your SO screwed up, as did BM, but as you ha e no control over BM, I don't have a lot to say regarding her.
It was a party at a public
It was a party at a public park. The parents were expected to stay. He can't prevent her from being there without making a huge scene that could have prevented him from being allowed to be apart of this part of her life.
Yes it's weird that BM showed up because she was suppose to be at work. Then again it's even weirder that she shows up at a special dad's day at school so it shows you what we're working with.
Basically in a lot of ways SO is viewed as the outsider already since the kids live with BM and he lives an hour away. He is often present at special events but BM only works weekends so she is able to be mom to everything: team mom, classroom mom, PTA mom. When SO shows up somewhere he get's a lot of dirty looks. It's clear she isn't saying very nice stuff so everyone is ready to condemn him. If a problem comes up they will blame him.
Like I said below, so what if
Like I said below, so what if she is making him look like the bad guy? Should he just back out to avoid being looked at sideways? Yes, it sucks to watch and see in people's faces what they think they know about your SO. He has to take the lumps, so to speak.
DH used to get dirty looks at scouts, church events, and school all the time. I'm sure BM said things, and she either wasn't working or wasn't working much so she was able to be a den mom, classroom mom, etc. She is VICIOUS when she doesn't like someone, so I can only guess what she said about him, both before I came into the picture and after.
It hurt DH, but he just shrugged it off as best he could. He kept his eye on the goal, which is raising productive, respectful human beings. His actions far outweighed what she said, and eventually people stopped listening to her, or at least they stopped looking at DH like he was evil incarnate.
well why was BM informed were
well why was BM informed were SS will have his party, and why was she allowed in, SO could've told her, sorry you are not invited get lost ?
SO should grow a back bone and from now on have all the parties at your house, then BM can not invite herself.
It was an end of season party
It was an end of season party that SO was in no way in charge of. He didn't have the ability to tell her to get lost.
It wasn't a birthday party and took place in a park.
lol.... if I am ever
lol.... if I am ever unfortunate enough to have to attend an event where bm will also be, and ss acts like the whiny little turn he turns into when he sees his mother, you can be darn sure that I will call out the behavior on both parts, and not hold back.
Thank you. I hate how people
Thank you.
I hate how people really think there's this magical ability to ensure you're never around BM when it involves the children and school / sports.
It's going to happen and no you can't just make her leave.
You have to play nice or of course you look like the bad guy and it harms the kids / shows other parents that yes you are this evil unstable person.
She takes over parenting. Why should SO be the one to tell the kid no when BM should have the same ability? BM starts playing catch with the kid then stops so the kid starts crying. That's on her. She's the one who took over in the first place. Why should SO then come over and correct the child?
She wants to play the nice guy and make him the bad guy. She did this in the past when they were together. All SO was allowed to do was punish the kids. Even after the separation she'd call him and tell him to make the kids listen.
If she would support him in any way but she doesn't. The second he tells the kid no she steps in and tells him yes. Is it worth it to fight in front of everyone over the kid eating a slice of cake or if he sits by mom instead of dad? You pick your battles. I just hate that she runs her mouth afterwards and we have to explain to those who will listen what really happened.
She made sure to say that I took the kid away but not that it was because he ran off and I sat with him for a time out.
ugh. I'd be very vocal about
ugh. I'd be very vocal about it.
In your situation, what I likely would have done is, loudly enough to be heard but not so loud as to be too obvious, is - why aren't you listening to your dad? You were told x times not to run off like that - you know what happens when you don't listen, it's time out.
It's dad's time - BM shouldn't be expected to "watch" the youngest. I mean yes, as a parent, don't be stupid... but... it's HIS time, HE should have been keeping track of the youngest. That said, if BM makes it seem like you took the child away, I'd have also been very vocal about - I wouldn't have had to put your child in time out for having run off, if you'd have been watching him. Oh, he's supposed to be with dad? Then WHY are you trying to make it seem like you're the one in charge?
I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate being put in a position where I'm made out to look like the bad guy when I'm the one doing what's right.
THIS!!! Especially the part
THIS!!! Especially the part about telling the kid loudly enough to listen to Dad. I've done it before - I've even done it when BM tells them to do something and they don't do it (e.g. sit in their seats at a school concert, she runs to restroom, they hop seats, if I see them do it first I say, "what did your mother JUST tell you to do?", then DH usually jumps on them about it).
For sure. If I'm going to be
For sure. If I'm going to be the a$$hole in all this, you BETCHA I'm going to use the tools at my disposal - I'm not throwing anyone under the bus, I'm just the enforcer.
BM was watching the child.
BM was watching the child. She took responsibility when she didn't tell him to go back and sit with his dad. She was perfectly happy letting the kid sit with her. She knew he was with her. He was right in front of her. How is it dad's fault? This same stuff happens with married couples. What if they were there together? Would it still be his fault?
Look at it this way. If it were just me and my partner there. I'm sitting one place and the boy is with me. SO knows the kid is with me, I know he's with me, and dad's over helping with the cake. Is it his fault then if the child runs off or is it mine because I was watching him? It's no different in this case. BM took over watching him. She knowingly took responsibility. SO allowed her to do so. That's not the problem.
The problem is that she let the kid walk off instead of making sure he went to dad. She didn't transfer the responsibility. If she had just watched for 10 seconds to make sure the kid went to dad then it wouldn't have happened. If she hadn't taken the responsibility then the kid would have been siting X place and known damn well he wasn't to walk off but she does this. She accepts responsibility because she get's to play the good guy. Then doesn't pay attention and blames someone else.
What if your standing at the ball game. Boy asks "can I go stand with my friend." You make sure friends parent's are ok with it. Then the kid runs off. Is it your fault or the friends parents who said they'd watch him.
I think you misunderstood
I think you misunderstood what I'm saying...
I agree that if the kid is with her, she should have kept a better eye on him - that's why I'm saying as a parent, don't be stupid... but in the end, it was dad's responsibility to know where the child was, because it was his "turn to parent". Not saying it's his fault, because he thought the kid was with mom...completely reasonable... but she was dumb enough to let the kid run off... if it came down to it, liability wise, the kid is "with dad"... and that's probably what she would have used... because schedule wise, the kid IS with dad... even if he went to hang out with mom for a few minutes...
my comments above would have been "you towards her", not me towards you... lol ... as in... sm wouldn't have had to put child in timeout if BM had been watching him... BM claims it's dad's time... SM says oh, he's supposed to be with dad? then why are you (BM) trying to make it seem like you're the one in charge...
He knew where the child was.
He knew where the child was. The child was with her. Why is he responsible for watching him when she had him? She knew she had him. It wasn't just he said "go sit with your mom." She was holding the kid for part of this time.
If we get into legality the kid was there with both parents. He transferred the reasonability for that time to her. She knowingly took it.
She tried blaming him but no one bought it. They all saw her "take" the kid. I say that loosely because it wasn't a big deal. It happens every day in every situation. We transfer responsibility to someone for a few moments. "Hey mom I need to go get my keys, can you watch the kids for a moment?"
Dad was helping cut the cake and the boy was sitting next to his mom / on her lap. Why is it his fault? Why is he still to blame when she let the child run off.
What I understood from your
What I understood from your post, is that your dh is the one who had the kids to begin with... but that bm showed up, and the little kids were all over her, despite her trying to get the kids back to SO's care. I got the impression that you're saying she was doing her best to force the little ones back on SO. But didn't your SO have the kids to begin with? Or did she show up with the little kids and THEN try to dump them on SO?
It just seems like you're saying that despite DH having the kids, when BM showed up, she tried to force dad to keep the kids with him because they were trying to go see her... he didn't, let the kids go bug her anyway... and that she continued doing her thing...during which time dad took the opportunity to do something else... and the child ran off.
I dunno, maybe I'm reading it wrong, but throughout your post it seems like you're saying BM was pushing the kids on SO.... making it clear she didn't want to deal with them, she was there for the oldest... and if he was the parent in charge, her actions don't really sound like she accepted responsibility for watching them, at all... it sounds like she made it clear she wasn't going to be watching them... and that when the little ones went to bug her, he took advantage to go do something else.... at which time although HE might have felt she accepted responsibility to watch them, she might just not have been telling them to get lost....because what parent tells their young child to beat it?
"Anyways he agreed and that was that. Except we get there and about 10 minutes later BM shows up. She was suppose to be at work but nope. Of course she instantly steps in and takes over. Or tries to. Basicly what she does is tries to deflect the little one onto my partner so she can have fun with the oldest. She kept trying to push my partner into taking the little one somewhere else so she didn't have to take care of him because of course as soon as he sees mommy he knows he will get his way. It's pathetic really. He starts whining and throwing a fit and she doesn't know how to tell him to knock it off."
It doesn't sound like she "let" the child run off - she wasn't there to take care of the kids, she was there for the oldest's event. It sounds like she made it quite clear she WASN'T going to take care of the little kids... but that SO assumed since they were around her, he was free to stop paying attention. I would never assume someone was accepting responsibility to watch a child just because they didn't tell the kid to take a hike.
Just offering a different perspective.
She made no attempt to
She made no attempt to actually get him to return to his father.
When she showed up and she first tried to get SO to take the kid and leave so that she didn't have to deal with him. She made no attempt to support him being a parent or make the child listen while he was there. SO tries to step in and make the kid behave but she undermines. He tells the kid to sit down and she starts playing catch with him. She chose to take over the responsibility of watching the child when she didn't support SO's parenting and instead encouraged the child not to listen.
The child ran off while we were sitting down and she started out holding the child who wanted to be with her. When she stopped playing with him and took her phone back so she could take pictures he decided to run off to the playground after saying he wanted to go sit with his dad. She made no attempt to let us know that the kid was coming over to us or ensure he did. If she had SO would have gladly taken over.
Before sitting down she was playing with the child and actually encouraged the kid to follow her away from the main group back to the area with the cake.
Her attempt to deflect the child is to make BD take the kid and leave so she can be alone with the girl. Its not right. Nor is it unreasonable to ask a child to behave. He doesn't need special treatment. He needs to learn to wait. BM wants this kid to join this team next year. What does she plan to do when he throws a fit because it's not his turn to bat.
Maybe she was trying to get
Maybe she was trying to get SO to leave with the kid, because she knew the kid would be attached to her and she wouldn't get to do what she came there for, knowing DH would allow the kid to hang off her.
Yes.... she undermines when she plays with the kid after the kid is told by dad to settle down - and I agree with you that he needs to grow some balls...
It still sounds like she didn't take responsibility, but was rather trying to be a pain in SO's butt... as in, trying to play the fun mom, knowing SO was too spineless to stand up to her... he didn't take the kid away, so she got stuck with a clingon, so she's made it difficult for SO....
I think the take away from this is that even if BM is around, when it's DH's time, HE is the one responsible - regardless of whether the kid is next to BM or not. HE needs to go get the kid. Or HE needs to watch the kid. Treat BM like an annoying 12 year old... safe enough to be around, but not to be trusted with safety.... never ever "transfer responsibility" - even if the kids run off to see BM - it's still up to dad to say no, or to keep an eye on the kid much like if it was a friendly neighbor...
I think (IMO) your best bet
I think (IMO) your best bet when it comes to these events is to have a plan laid out with Dad. It is Dad's parenting time. He brought the children. Yeah, BM showed up, but it is still Dad's time.
Assign one kid to Dad (the kid who is having the event) so he can fully participate in his daughter's activity. Assign one kid to you (in this case, SS). As long as it was a kid event and you chose to go along, put yourself to good use. This was an event for SD. It was her sport and she was being treated to a fun day with party and awards.
Yes, it was at a park and kids like to play on park toys. But SS was a little turd and did not fully want to participate in the event the way the honoree (SD) was suppose to. Several things could have happened 1) you and SS stay home as it is not his event 2) you, Dad and both kids go with you and SS going to a friends for the last more structured part. It allows SS to play but then removes him when 'fun' (playground) is over 3)Dad participates with SD and SS is assigned to you. Meaning you take responsibility for SS. Even if that means telling kiddo to get his little buns back over there and sit it down. Yeah, he went to BM, but it's not her time, it's Dad's time.
If kid refuses to listen to you (his assigned replacement for Dad on Dad's time) you take the non-listening non-cooperative temper throwing kid and march him to the car to sit (with you, don't leave him alone, of course) and you lecture him all the way about how he is getting to old to act like this, could have gotten lost or someone take him while he wandered off by himself and how this is sister's event and he is not going to ruin it for sister.
Pfft, let BM sit over there with her mouth gapping open.
You can't stop BM from showing up, but Dad can have and keep control even if she does show up. In fact, you should probably start expecting she will be and hoping you all will get lucky and she wont be. But this means, Dad and you make a prior plan as to how the day is going to work. If it is a SS event, you tend to SD. If it's a SD event, you tend to SS. If it's a joint kid event you and Dad tend to both kids.
BM is (gag) welcome to come and participate in the activities of the event for the child the event is for. She did do the sport for SD during the week days (or someone from her extended family/friends did). Sure, she wants to be a part of the final party. Fine. Dandy. Yep, she came. I'm sure SD enjoyed and appreciated her mother's efforts to get the day off and attend. But SS is still on Dad. Dad picked kids up and took them for his parenting weekend and it is Dad's time to parent. Nothing says Dad can not assign you to SS and you were perfectly correct to discipline and finally take control of SS.
Being kid was naughty during his sister's event and made such a scene, I certainly hope that he got a consequence from Dad when you all got home.
These kids are young. You and Dad have years and years of kid events to go before they age out. You two need a 'how are we going to do today' set out so when you all get to the event everyone, including the kids know what and how things are going to work. I think it is totally ok for Dad to say to BM if she comes over and takes the little guy off for a while to play catch or whatever that he tells BM 'when you are done playing catch please walk SS back over to me or SM (your name). It's also ok for Dad to walk over to BM and say 'hey, the awards and stuff are starting, SS needs to come over with me to now sit down'. If SS tosses a sh*t fit, it's also ok if Dad asks you to tend to SS so he can watch the awards. SS should not be allowed to ruin sister's day that was for her. And it's ok to tell BM it is Dad's time and take control.
Again, this was SD's event. Not SS's. SS can be scolded and tied to a chair
I am kidding, don't tie the kid up.
I’m going to try and provide
I’m going to try and provide a bit more information about this to help clarify a few things.
There was no telling or inviting BM to the party. It was an end of season party for a sport she’d signed the oldest up for. BM has taken the kid to almost all of the games and practices. The few that fell on SO’s weekend he agreed to take the girl so she didn’t miss out. This only happened handful of times. The party was set by someone unrelated to BM so either SO agreed to take the girl, gave up his time, or she didn’t get to go. SO felt the best thing was to agree to take her. He had no reason to believe that BM would then take off special from work to be there.
I get tired of reading all the time how something special should be done with the younger child. This kid turns 5 this month. The world isn’t about him and he doesn’t need special treatment. We got to the site an hour early and both kids got to run around. When the party time started he was able to play with the other kids. He was welcomed and even encouraged to be there. Other siblings were there also. The problem is anytime this kid isn’t the focus and doesn’t get his way he expects someone to fix it. He got upset because he was told he had to wait his turn. At that point he wanted to go back to the park to play. Too bad. It’s not unreasonable to tell him he has to stay with the party.
As for telling mom not to be there, tt was at a public park outside. Legally SO can’t do anything to make her leave. This wasn’t an event where SO could demand the kid stay beside him. The child wanted to be 10 feet away with his mom. Mom took over watching him when she didn’t tell him to go back to his dad. Without causing a fight and traumatizing the kids there was nothing he could do. Nor did he need to. It was fine that the mother was ok playing catch with the little one while SO got to play with the oldest and talk to the parents.
When everyone sat down for the cake and medals to be handed out the little one again got bored. I find it ridiculous to think that he should be given special treatment and allowed to go play. It was less than 15 minutes. BM had him. She allowed him to remain with her. Again without causing a fight that didn’t need to happen there was no way to take the son from her. It wasn’t worth it just so he would sit in front of dad instead. The boy is smart. He asked mom if he could go sit with his dad and she said yes without watching to make sure he did that. He used that time to walk away to the park.
When we noticed the boy was there BM tried saying that the boy had asked to sit with his dad. Then she tried to blame him when she did nothing to ensure the boy did go to her. At this point she made no attempt to step up and find the kid. When SO did I helped by stepping in to enforce the time out. The son threw a fit screaming and yelling because whenever he does this BM swoops in to make it all better like giving him candy or cake or playing with him special rather the making the child behave.
Now the BS she’s pulling now is to say I had no right to parent the child. I supported my partner. Why is it ok for me to walk off with the child alone so he can play at the park but it’s not going for me to sit down with the kid during a time out? Why is it ok for her to basically bribe the child to sit with her by allowing him to have his way but we’re the bad buys for making him mind.
Again tell me how SO can remove her from this situation. We do everything we can to prevent being around her for things like this but this isn’t the first time she’s done this kind of thing.
During a dad’s event at the school she made sure to be there. Then to try and take over the interaction that was supposed to happen between the dad’s and their kids. She then whined to the principle about it. This is the stuff she does. She complains if he shows up to any school event for the kid. She complains if he goes the kids practice. We’ve had her follow ups after pick up to just happen to show up where we are eating.
I don’t know about you but it’s not fun to have a screaming 4 year old in McDonalds because you won’t let him sit with mom. They don’t like to let you stay when that happens and BM loves for it to happen because then she traumatizes the child. It makes him be the bad guy because “daddy why can’t I sit with mommy? Why can’t I give mommy a hug? Why can’t I say good bye to mommy?”
BM shouldn’t be present in the first place but he can’t stop her in these situations. He does his best to co parent when this stuff happens so that the kids don’t suffer. It’s afterwards that BM starts the bull with texting and messaging and posting crap all over Facebook. It’s the phone call from other family members after that want to know what happen. “Why did K take the child away? Why did K not let the kid sit with his mom? Why did this or that happen?”
Since this was a more primary
Since this was a more primary BM activity that the party was for... I might have tried to find out if she was planning on attending.
This is what i would have preferred to do.
We could take older child to the party and if BM said she was going to be there.. I would have LEFT with the younger child to go do some alternative activity. (even though some other siblings were there.. I really think kids should be able to have their own things without the expectation that the younger tags along). Then I would go back to party at per-arranged time to pick up older child to resume the rest of visitation weekend.
You did say that BM was more the primarily involved parent with this activity and group of parents.. so I would have confirmed whether she wanted to attend or not. If I got there and she was there.. I would say.. "oh good you are here.. we will be back at 3:30 to pick up Child.. you guys have fun".
It would have taken the awkwardness for you and the younger child distractions out of the picture.
I'm not saying parents "can't" be in the same place... but this doesn't seem like one of those major life events that warranted that.
BM works weekends. Since it
BM works weekends. Since it was SO's weekend and he agreed to take them he was under the impression she would be at work. She led him to believe that.
She didn't show up until 10 minutes after the party started and SO wanted to be involved so he wasn't leaving.
To make special arrangements every time for the son is not ok in our book. He has to learn how to behave with others. That the world doesn't revolve around him. This wasn't a birthday party or something he wasn't welcome to and on top of it he want's to play next year with this same team. He has to learn how to share the attention. He started throwing a fit when sister wanted to play with her friends instead of him. He ran off when the group was handing out medals. This took about 15 minutes but he's never been forced to wait when BM is in control.
If BM hadn't been there the child would have behaved. He doesn't do this kind of stuff when it's just us. BM doesn't even take him to the games anymore because she can't stop him from running out on the field. That's unreasonable. The kid isn't a baby. Just avoiding the problem isn't helping him learn. This is life skills he's learning.
IDK if it is so much making
IDK if it is so much making special arrangements as it is allowing the older child to enjoy their own season ending party without the younger kid tagging along.
5 isn't a baby.. but it also is still an age where a kid needs to be watched out for and supervised. It sounds like perhaps your husband should have ensured that his younger child was watched by him since the older kid was off with their friends. Also, BM was there and as you said making a MOTY show with the older child... so that's great.. divide and conquer... Dad should have had the younger on a "leash"... not literally...perhaps.. but figuratively.. "Hey.. this is their celebration.. let's go look at the decorations over there.. or let's go get a cup cake.. or whatever."
It sounds like both parents were vying to "be there" for their older child and the younger was left to his own devices.. 5 is too young to expect him to deal with all of this.
That's an age where if he starts to act out.. dad takes him aside and asks if they need to leave the party (go outside.. you and BM were both there in case the older needed you). to cool down a bit.
He did ensure the child was
He did ensure the child was being watch. BM took the kid. The kid was asked to sit down and have cake with everyone. If BM hadn't taken the kid to sit with her then the child would have been sitting with me and he would have behaved. She was watching him and he got up and left. She didn't ensure that the kid came over to us like he said he was. Nor did she let us know. She just assumed the child would do what she said and then ignored him.
Before BM go there the child was fine.
Your SO just needs to tell
Your SO just needs to tell her "I got this". My DH has done it with BM, in front of the boys, their GBM, my MIL, their SF, and other people. When YSS has acted out with BM when DH is there, DH steps in and tells him to stop acting up. The boys know what DH expects in his presence, and DH enforces it no matter who is around.
And yes, BM in my case was an abusive POS to DH and made co-parenting a living Hades up until about two years ago. I'm not spouting off like I don't get it. I do. Your SO may look like the bad guy, but he is doing what he needs to do to ensure his kids are safe and act appropriately in public.
What is BM going to do? Take the kids and leave? Great, document and send to the attorney. Throw a fit? Great, she will make herself look crazy. Spread rumors about SO? That's going to happen anyway. Poison the kids against SO? Been there, seen that. Your SO just keeps telling them the truth and enforcing visitation, filing when necessary for contempt.
It's HARD. It's not pleasant. He WILL look like the bad guy at times. He will be viewed as a heartless deadbeat. So what? Trust me, people start seeing through it. They may not acknowledge it publically, but they'll know what's going on.
Your SO's visitation time is HIS time whether BM is there or not. HE is in control. HE stands up for what he wants. The kids aren't going to be traumatized if he makes them behave to his liking even if BM is there. BM does this because she knows she has control over your SO. STOP giving it to her.
Dad taking the youngest to do
Dad taking the youngest to do something else while the oldest attends her event is not doing something special for him.
It is called being an aware parent who knows his/her kid. After spending an hour running around in the park, plus the drive time to get from dad's house there,the little had to be tired.
Add in the excitement of the event plus having his mother there,of course the kids went bonkers.
Dad should have anticipated all of that(not mom showing up), and made the choice to:
Leave with the youngest
Let mom stay with the oldest
Ask you to help
Ask a family member to watch the youngest while he attended the event with oldest.
BOTH parents made poor choices that day. Both parents were present so you should not have stepped in to parent. All you did was show everyone there that parents are pretty pathetic and the BOTH need you to step in and do what they should be doing
The kid is 5. The world
The kid is 5. The world doesn't revolve around him.
It's not unreasonable to expect him to be able to attend something that's not all about him. How is it unreasonable to expect him to sit down for 15 minutes to watch and support his sister getting recognized for her participation.
We cater too much to children. He was told to sit down after having gotten to play in the park for over an hour first. Then he was included in the games and activities with the team and the other siblings. He was given cake and ice cream with the others.
Your telling me we're wrong for expecting him to behave and not let him play in the park during that short period of time. He's not going to get special treatment all the time. Its not like he was told to go sit alone by himself for 3 hours. He was fully included and enjoyed himself. He just didn't want to wait while sister got her medal.
If BM had been alone he would have been expected to wait. Special arrangements aren't always possible nor do I think they need to be made.
As for me stepping up. If BM hadn't been there would it have been wrong for me to support my partner? For me to take the kid for a time out while he took pictures of the other because that's what was going on. BM wasn't going to step in so it fell on him. Why is it wrong that I sat with the kid for a time out when I've been involved in this child's life for over a year? What if I was just the nanny? What if I was his sister? Anything but SO. I didn't prevent BM from being a parent. She choose to leave that up to SO. In turn I supported him. Now she want's to cry because I handled the time out. Should SO really have been the one to sit there and me take pictures of the daughter for him?
She wasn't even suppose to be there. Leaving with the little shouldn't be required just because she showed up.
She was allowed to stay and enjoy the time with her kid. SO didn't prevent that at all nor did he expect her to watch the little one.
We went thinking it would just be us. The plan was for me to watch the little one if for any reason we needed to split up. She's the one who stepped in and prevented me from doing that. If she hadn't taken him from me I would have continued to watch him. I'm not going to sit there and tell the kid he can't sit with his mother.
She took him from me. She decided she wanted to have the little one when she couldn't make SO leave with him. She could have told the kid no and to stay with me but she choose to actually take him from us and SO let her because that's the kids mom. Why fight over it? Why was it wrong to let her hold the boy during the photos. She wanted to. She'd yell if we didn't let her.
Shes crying because I sat with the kid during a time out. Should him running off just been allowed with no consequences?
YOU were not wrong for this.
YOU were not wrong for this. Your husband was wrong for not having a plan A,B and C in place.
Dontfeed, your husband and BM are the ones responsible for the children. It's great that you are close to them and want to help. HOWEVER, that does not give EITHER PARENT the right to check out simply because you will step in.
Neither one of them knew the boy ran off. It doesn't who was watching him at the time. It doesn't matter who has visitation at that time. Since both were present, both were responsible.
This is not about YOU. This about two grown behind folks who can't get it together in regards to patenting. That is NOT a reflection on you.
The issue isn't that the
The issue isn't that the child ran off because nothing anyone says here is going to change my mind. BM had the kid. She was holding him. She let him run off. Yes SO noticed quickly the child was gone and went to find him. Thankfully he's a little paranoid and looks around every 5 minutes.
The issue is her family is messaging wanting to know why I took the boy from her when that is in no way the case. The fact that she's again spread crap about me and it's impacting SO.
SO went and found the boy. He needed some sort of consequence and BM didn't care at all. her attention was solely on the girl. I stepped up and sat down with the boy. She's trying to claim I took the kid.
The whole thing sounds
The whole thing sounds incredibly frustrating. So sorry the day did not go as planned. It’s so hard being a blended family.
I am still stuck on the
I am still stuck on the parents are required to stay at the Party?
This "parents stay at Kid parties" is crazy. Wasn't like that when I was little. Heck only neighborhood kids would come to the house. Moms made homemade cakes, played games then kids walked back home. NO PARENTS would ever think of being present.
WHY was mom there when it was not her weekend? Dontfeed, BM over stepped in a huge way. Next time let her take skid to the party. NO fighting, no drama...HEY BM are you going to littlefeed trolls party?
BM-yes I am, yes I am and YOUUUUUUUUUUU cant stop me.
DH-Ok great, I will drop little troll at your house and you can take him. KEEP him over night if you want to. Don't forget to buy bday kid a gift. OR keep little troll all weekend, I will catch UP on my next court order weekend. BUYYY BYEEEEE click.
BM - YOU cant do that
DH- Yes I can and YOU cant stop me. NEXT party I will forgo my visitation too.
Some ropes you just have to let go of, this is one of them.
My take on the parents being
My take on the parents being present is the event was planned to be a family day for the participant. Picnic like finale. Thank-you to the coaches, the volunteers and the fans (parents and siblings).
Every common here to have a final event for the family celebrating another good season. Part of the fun of getting awards is having your family present to witness. Family there to clap and cheer. Usually these types of sports take a lot of family time and commitment to get Jr back and forth to practice, supported at games blah blah. The get-together at end is for fun and acknowledgement. Not just to the kid but to the parents who make it happen and possible for the kid to have done.
Thank you. Yes. That was it.
Thank you. Yes. That was it.
And they did a great job of welcoming the WHOLE family. By no means was it inappropriate to bring the little one. He had fun. He got to play with the other kids. He got cake and ice cream too. He was asked to sit with us for 15 minutes while the team got recognized. That shouldn't be too much to ask of any child.
It wasn't a birthday party.
It wasn't a birthday party. It was an end of season celebration party at a park. Parents are expected to be there to celebrate their kids participation.
SO wanted to be there with the child. It was his weekend. She was suppose to be at work. We aren't upset that she showed up though because honestly they should both be there.
We are upset that shes complaining that her youngest got a time out for running off. That I sat with the kid instead of making SO do it and not be able to take pictures of the oldest.
SO isn't going to give up his time just so he's never involved in any extra activities with the kid. That's wrong. He deserves to be apart of that part of her life too.
let her be upset.... she's
let her be upset.... she's complaining about something that anyone with half a head on their shoulders would question her for being upset about.
You gave the child a time out for running off... which you would have done even if she wasn't there. She can get bent.
Yes I would have because SO
Yes I would have because SO and I share in discipline. I don't do it all nor do I make him. He is just as likely to give a time out as I am. In this case it was best I sit with the boy because sister deserved her dads attention at that moment.
Yep... whether BM was there
Yep... whether BM was there or not, Dad is the parent in charge. You are his support.
That was my view. I truly
That was my view. I truly wish BM had stepped up.
Whenever these few event's happen I always step back and let her and him handle it. In this case those she left it to him at that point I felt it was appropriate to step in and work with him. We didn't make a big deal of it. I told him I'd take the kid for a time out and that was it.
Always think, "what would
Always think, "what would happen if I wasn't here?" How would DH handle it? Then, grab a cocktail and fade into the woodwork. This is THEIR kid, don't even bother with it.
I can also think "what would
I can also think "what would have happen if BM hadn't been there since she was suppose to be at work."
I supported my SO giving the kid a time out because he misbehaved. I sat with the child rather then letting him ruin everything.
We didn't do anything wrong. BM is lying to her family about the kid getting a time out like nothing should have happened. I didn't take the kid from her. I didn't stop her from being a parent. She chose to leave it up to SO. I supported him because I was there. Because I wanted to be there with him.
If she had stepped in to correct the little one's behavior we would have let her. Even if it was just to say "Don't run off." But she didn't she left it up to SO.
Why is it BMs responsibility
Why is it BMs responsibility to watch thier child on dads time? Why is she supposed to support him in having fun with the older child? That makes no sense.
He brought his young child, he is responsible for that child. In a park....you, really should never take your eyes off your young kid. And thinking BM is now in charge of watching the kid since she shows up is presumptuous at best.
BM took the kid from us. She
BM took the kid from us. She sat down with the child on her lap. How is that not taking responsibility? SO didn't just ignore the child. He knew she had him. He didn't just tell the kid to go to his mom. She took him.
Sure we could have been hard asses and said no the kids sitting with us but how is that a good thing. That just creates a problem where it isn't needed. Why is wrong to let the kid sit with his mom even if it was dads time. That's trying to start a fight. It wasn't a problem until the child walked off because BM stopped watching him without letting us know.
If she had told us that she was done watching the kid we would have stepped in without a word. If she had said "hey BD I need you to get M now" he would have.
She was more than happy to let the kid sit with her. She knew he was with her. I can't repeat that enough.
Like I said. What if they were together still? Mom's sitting with the little one while dad's cutting a cake. Would it be his fault if the kid walked away then?
What if it had been me. I'm sitting with the kid and then I just let him walk away because I think he's going to dad. Would it not be expected that I ensure he does go to his dad?
How is she free of responsibility? She was watching the child.
Replace "bm" with "10 year
Replace "bm" with "10 year old neighbour".
It was dad's time - if dad could not watch him, it fell to you, as support.
Who cares if the kid was with BM, the neighbour, another young kid... the fact that the kid was with BM, as opposed to with someone else, does NOT absolve your DH (or you as support) from the responsibility of paying attention to the kid's whereabouts.
My kids would wave and hug their teacher if we ran into them at the store (well, when they were in 3rd grade or below)... they'd run up to them - just because the teacher was paying attention to them, didn't mean they'd be accepting responsibility to watch them while I did something else....
If the kid was running up to and playing with a friend, you'd have been paying attention.
If the kid was running up to a teacher, you'd have been paying attention.
The truth of the situation is that because the person the kid was with was the mother, you stopped paying attention.
She is free from responsibility, because although the kid was around her, he wasn't hers to watch, he was YOURS to watch, and you didn't.
You let the kid go - whether you let him go on his own or you let her take him - he went. He was in YOUR charge, because dad was busy.
Not saying you did anything wrong by stepping back when BM was with the kid... most people reasonably take a step back when parents are there... BUT.... She wasn't watching the child, she was tolerating the child. There's a big difference.
10 year old neighbor is a
10 year old neighbor is a child themselves and should never be considered responsible for another child so that point is void in my view.
BM is an adult who physically had the child. It's not just the kid ran over to hug her and we stopped caring. The child was with and sat with his mother for over half an hour. She was watching him. SO knew she had the kid. She indicated she was watching him. She even took the child to the bathroom but I guess I should have followed her according to this. Would SO be responsible if BM then just let the kid run off. "Oh well it's your time better go find him."
It's a joke.
This is no different then "normal" parents.
"Hey honey can you watch X while I do X."
"Sure dear."
They were both at an event. If BM has the child it would be insane to expect SO to hawk eye when BM should be more than capable. She'd find it insulating if he didn't trust her and yeah that would raise hell too. As it is SO was the one to notice the kid was missing because he looked over and BM didn't have him. Her exact words were "he wanted to go sit with you" how is it not her responsibility to ensure that's where the kid went after she with BD knowing took the kid away from us to go less than 25 feet away till we all joined at the pavilion.
This isn't a random stranger. This is the mom who is full capable of watching her child. Mom should be able to sit with her child at an event like this. That's what CO-PARENTING is about after all isn't it. Not being so stuck on a court order that a child can't be with their mom just because it's dad's time.
Again SO knew the kid was with his mom. BM knew she had the kid. BM indicated she was watching the child. The kid said he was going back to us. GREAT but she didn't make sure he did.
ok, replace with "parents of
ok, replace with "parents of child the kid is playing with" then...
Just because she's the "mother" doesn't mean you should expect anything more from her than you would some other adult. It's unfortunate... and yes, it's a joke... but if you think about it, you're placing parental responsibilities on someone who is accepting the child's presence... and then upset when she didn't fulfill them. Ok, she took the kid to the bathroom. Would any other adult have done this, or would they have sought you or SO out to handle it? Would you have went after another adult leading the child away? Yes. Because even though the other adult is perfectly capable of it, it's not their responsibility.
BM was picking and choosing which parts of parenting she was willing to take on....on dad's time... and then being made out to be the bad guy because she didn't pick and choose a part that you guys thought she had.
Yes, she's the mom, but she wasn't the one in charge. She "took" charge - you let her, and then everyone's upset because nobody was watching the kid and he ran off....then you got stuck doling out the consequences - you all thought each other had the responsibility... yet nobody's taking accountability for their part. It's clearly some miscommunication on everyone's part - you guys thought she took on the responsibility, but she clearly did not. The child was under your care. Not hers. Even if she's the mom... it was up to YOU to make sure the kid did as he was told.
Ok how about we take a step
Ok how about we take a step back and remember that there is no court order.
Does that change this now?
Is that court order really the only reason a mother isn't expected to keep know where the kid she was holding went?
And I'm not upset that we had to dole out a consequence because it was just. I'm upset that she's lying to people who are calling my SO to find out why I took the child from his mother. OH WAIT doesn't that mean she accepted that she was watching him?
Ok, so no court order
Ok, so no court order specifically dividing mom's time and dad's time. They've done it themselves.
Are you saying that they should not have a division of parental responsibilities? That automatically, whenever they're in the same place, child minding responsibility transfers from one to the other depending on who is closest to the child? Seems like you want them to parent like they're still together.
Yes, she's wrong to lie to people - and for sure, be upset about all of that... absolutely.
But... this idea that both parents share child minding responsibilities purely on the basis of both being around, is insane. Without a clear indication as to who is responsible and when, situations like this will always happen... and will keep happening... because there is no division of responsibilities... and loads of assumptions...
if the parents keep acting like they're still together when it comes to sharing responsibilities of watching the kids, there will always be friction about it. That's why court orders exist - because people who can't be adults and make clear decisions on their own, have a court make those decisions for them.
Objectively, your BM is running all over the two of you - and it sounds like you KNOW she's sneaky, manipulative, etc... and it sounds like your SO KNOWS how she's going to react to things and is picking his battles, despite you telling him to grow some balls... she's taking pure advantage of the fact that everything is blurred lines... and then playing the victim when YOU do something right. You're the court order, kwim?
You're putting clear cut responsibilities where THEY have decided there shouldn't be some.
Of course a mother is expected to know where the kid she was holding went.... when she's the one responsible for the kid. THEY have decided, between them, that dad is the parent in charge during that time. Yes, unfortunately, that means that even if BM is around, and "watching" the kids, they're still dad's responsibility....
If I go to an event for my child, and my kids are "with their dad" during the event time, of course they'll seek me out and come say hi, hang out for a while... but once I tell them they should be going back to their seats with their dad, it's on him. They were never my responsibility to begin with, even if they were with me... if they don't go right back to their dad, and take a detour to go to the concession stand, that's his problem, not mine. They're under his care... even if they were with me.
Best way I can explain what I mean is that you "pretend" the interaction is over face time or skype. Yes, they're "watching" them... but they're not "responsible" for them.
I would strongly suggest that regardless of whether or not there is a court order, that they establish boundaries - because without boundaries, this type of thing will keep happening. Can you imagine a lifetime of your dh being busy with something else while you're watching the kids, and bm waltzes in to take over the parenting duties from under you?
Do you really think it would fly if your SO did that to her?
I'm NOT saying you are wrong, and I'm not saying that your SO was wrong... but I'm not saying she was wrong, either. Not for that. (the lies, yes. The undermining, yes. )
No, I'm saying she took the
No, I'm saying she took the responsibilities when she was physically holding the child. How is she not responsible in that case?
As soon as it's 5 on a Friday can she kick the kid out the house and BD responsible for them just because it's his time? Nope I'm pretty sure she has to ensure that the child safety transfers from her to BD.
Event's like this will happen and yes that responsibility is going to shift quickly between the two if they are both present. This wasn't a quick "go say hi to your mom." This was a 5 year old who had went to his mom with BD knowing and BM accepting it.
All she had to do was take 10 seconds to make sure the child walked back over since she was actively watching the child.
Like when she took the kid to the bathroom. You'd expect her to bring him back right? Well by your logic no, because apparently he can't allow her to take over as a parent at all during his time.
No she stepped in as the other parent of the child. Yes if she's going to do that I expect her to see it through. Why is that so unreasonable?
The kid didn't just walk away from dad. Dad knew that BM was taking over for that time. BM acknowledged it. She then just let the kid walk away. That's on her. She assumed responsibility.
You can sit there and say that dad was responsible because it was his time BUT if serious something had happened she'd be the one blamed. She was the one watching him. It's no different then asking a friend of the family to keep an eye on the kid for a moment. If that friend agrees and just lets the child walk off that's on them.
Responsibility shifts to whose watching the child.
Your example of the kids seeking you out isn't the same here because you didn't take over responsibility and I would hope that if they were as young as 5 you'd make sure they go back to their dad and not just wonder out in a street. In your example you haven't given dad any reason to think that you are actively watching them. She did.
So your biggest frustration
So your biggest frustration is that she is lying to others about what actually happened and painting your SO in a bad light?
Hon, you HAVE to let that go and not let it eat you up. HAVE to. You know what really happened. SO knows what really happened. Without proof, nothing that BM says is true. She can take your SO to court and spout off about you overstepping, but without proof that it actually happened, it won't matter.
You are never going to convince the people loyal to her that she is a bad mother, just like those who are loyal to your SO are never going to think she is a good mother, or that he is a bad father. When someone challenges her, she'll drop them (or they'll drop her). There is absolutely nothing you can do to stop her lies...
...unless she crosses into defamation territory. If she does that, keep records of what she says, when she says them, anything audible (legally) and in writing. If her words cost your SO money, safety, or time with his kids (legally), nail her rear end. Until then, you have to learn to let it go in one ear and out the other.
Your SO can block her family on social media and his phone. He can and should ignore them. The people who were at the event know what happened, and some will think you overstepped while others will think BM (and SO) was irresponsible. You can't change people's opinions of the situation no matter what your version of the truth is.
Next time, let DH handle the
Next time, let DH handle the boy. It was his time, and his responsibility.
BMs like his won't change, she will keep being the same C word she always was and always will be.
I'm 8 years in to step parenting. If my husband has his kids, it's ALL on him. If he falls asleep on the couch and he didn't feed them dinner, I go up to my room, shut the door and read a nice book. They aren't my problem and his parenting isn't my problem either
That doesn't fly in our home.
That doesn't fly in our home. I am an active "parent" figure.
By no means does he check out but the kids know I'm just as capable as he is and we prefer it that way. I don't feel like SO is neglecting his responsibilities at all because when he does slide I'm all over him and he knows I'll walk out.
I wouldn't be ok not being apart of their life if they are in my home. This is our agreement from moment one when I found out he had kids. I've assisted him when I was around for over a year and a half now. I like our home life. The kids respect me and listen to me. They also respect and listen to their dad.
You said in the original post
You said in the original post that BM tried to push a little one to your SO. It didn’t sound as she wanted to watch the little one, she was busy trying to push the kid on his dad (and why should she? Dad had the kids). At that point (when she was pushing little one on to dad) dad had to get a kid and keep him by his side. Now BM is an idiot, that’s no doubt. But your SO needs to figure it all out.
You keep taking care of business so neither one of them will ever learn. You did nothing wrong in this situation, not a reflection on you. It’s a reflection on them. They come across as without you they wouldn’t be able to get from point A to point B. What would your SO do if you weren’t there? How do other people do it?
Its not like you should never help but you projected the image of your SO as incapable parent at a party. I think you might start giving your SO encouragement to take charge and project an image of a capable strong man, not someone relying on Women all the time. It’s his parenting time, his kids, his responsibility.
She tried to push the little
She tried to push the little one on him so he would leave with the child and she could be alone with the oldest. When he didn't leave she took over caring for the child because of course she got to play nice guy. SO tells the kid that he has to play nice with the others / has to share the attention and BM takes him aside special to play catch alone. Then glares at SO the whole time. Really SO's going to tell BM not to play with the boy? That's going to go over really well for EVERYONE involved.
If I hadn't been there I don't know what would have happen. Honestly most likely? SO would have swatted the boy on the butt when he found him. The kid would have then run crying to mom who would have gotten to played the nice guy and gotten to glare at SO because how dare he make the kid cry even though this kid is AMAZING at starting the waterworks any second he doesn't get his way.
I don't care about "what if" because that's not how we live our life. I was there, I am engaged, and I do help him. He's not helpless without me. He figures it out but he didn't have to. I was there to support him. SO might have started the time out and enforced it but he would have had a 5 year old screaming his head off while the party was trying to wind down and finish up the medals / photos. I took the child away so that he didn't bother everyone and what do you know the second we're out of site he stopped screaming. Odd.
My SO wasn't incapable. He was focused on his daughter while I tried to focus on the boy. That was our intent. Had BM not shown up we wouldn't of had any issue. It's the fact that she walks in, tries to demand SO leave with the boy, then starts spoiling the child until she doesn't want to. I had the boy under control and she took him away from me because "look son mommy loves you so much more. She's not letting you do X well i'll give you cake. Isn't that better." That's her option. She's the child's mother. I'm not going to stop her.
BM knew she was in the wrong about not ensure the child actually went back to his dad. SO didn't just back down. She tried blaming him at first and trust me if she felt she could get away with it she would have.
Me taking the child to sit his time out isn't the problem. It's the fact that she want's to tell people that I took the child away from her when she wasn't even aware of what was going on between SO and the kid. I stepped in to help him as I would have if she hadn't been there.
There's no reason I shouldn't be there. So yeah basically what if you weren't there means nothing. SO is capable and will / has figured it out when he needs to.
I and no one else thinks you
I and no one else thinks you shouldn’t be there. Of course you could and should attend events and participate and so on. But you also have to understand how it looks from outside. Mom and dad were both there, neither watched a child and then dad’s girlfriend gave the child time out because he ran away because no one watched him! Is it because mom and dad are incapable? You can continue doing things this way. But you kind of have to take a look that at least ten people have similar opinion on this situation, how can everyone be always wrong and you always right. Is there ever any validity in others’ opinions?
Actually, from what I've got
Actually, from what I've got out of the thread, is the kid didn't run off because no one was watching him. The kid flat out lied to Mom (like kids sometimes do). Kid told Mom he was going back to Dad. Stinker. Kid took Dad thinking he was staying with Mom and Mom thinking he was going to go be with Dad and made a dash for the playground.
IMO, BM should have looked over and made sure her kid went back to Dad. It's not a big deal that Mom wanted to get up and go help cut and hand out cake. It's not a big deal she no longer wanted to have her son with her. Her mistake was not looking as her son made his way back to Dad. Even a head-up 'Dad (SO's name), Jr is coming to sit where you and Sm are now, I'm getting busy' would have been fine. Dad would have made sure kid made it back to OP while Mom cut cake and Dad snapped photos.
Both Dad and Mom are going to start being aware that little kids hit an age where they try lying and being sneaky. This little boy has hot that age. As a precaution, Mom and Dad are both going to have to be sure when they all are at events together with kids running between the parents that Mom and Dad either watch to exchange or give a quick heads-up.
Kids poof within a blink of an eye. They can be quick sneaky lying little stinkers. This was a first. Both parents now should clearly be aware to little kids can and do stupid things. I bet Mom doesn't trust her son to do what happened again and I bet Dad makes sure he tells Mom if she takes kid to be sure to bring back kid and yell over to come get kid.
Both parents (and OP) , I'm sure were scared to pieces to realize the stinker got away. Nothing is more horrifying than when a parent looks up and doesn't see their kid.
I do agree with OP that the mother should not try to ditch Dad and Jr. No, Dad is not taking kid for a happy meal. This is his weekend and he brought the kids. She is aware as soon as she shows up that Jr is going to want to chase after and be with her. She needs to correct the child and say 'maybe for a few minutes, but I came to help with snacks and take pics of sister, so you are going to have to stay with Daddy and SM'. She has to learn to be stricter. Dad needs to not be afraid of telling kid 'no, kid, sit down on that bench and don't move'. So what if kid screams? Kids scream. They throw temper tantrums.
Co-parenting doesn't necessarily mean Mom and Dad will 'parent' together at a kid event. That kind of 'parenting' is what one can expect from a married couple. The closest to co-parenting that needs to happen in event places is that if one parent comes and ask to see and take the kid for a while, that parent also returns the child to the parent they took kid from. Because what should be happening in these events is not co-parenting, but co-existing in same place as parents. Does that make sense?
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
Why are you trying so hard to
Why are you trying so hard to convince everyone that you are right? If you are right, why did you even post this? Usually people post because they are looking for other points of view, you seem to be hell bent on proving each and every post wrong.
You are only a year and a half in this. That is nothing. The step family changes and morphs as the kids get older, change and test boundaries. My advice is to step back and let their DAD handle them. You are making yourself unnecessarily upset.