Territorial Terror of a SD11
SD11 and our DS(2 months) share a bathroom upstairs. I have posted on here a lot about SD not accepting DS. Well last night it got totally out of hand. SD announced to DH and I that she was going to be cleaning the bathroom. We told her thank you, gave praise, etc. IMO she should be doing chores anyway, but that's a different story.
So she starts cleaning, then SD asked me on the side, "I really don't like how his stuff looks. Can I put it away in the cabinet?" Literally a bottle of J&J shampoo and bath soap. Mind you, there are two vanitys, one on each side of the bathroom. I asked her if it was okay that I just leave his stuff on one side and her stuff on the other. This is how it already was. SD said "I just don't llike that his stuff is in here and want to put it away." I told her that I was sorry about that, but they have to share a bathroom now. SD then stormed off. She storms off a lot, so I just let it be.
Well 7:30 rolls around and I start getting DS ready for his nighttime routine. Bath, pjs, book, bottle feeding. I put the stopper in the tub and his bath swing in the tub. It's basically a seat that props a newborn up while you are bathing them.
I'm grabbing towel and new washcloth when I overhear SD walking in the bathroom, then talking to herself. "BRO, why did you put that in there. I put it in the cabinet for a reason!" I immediately confronted her.. "What's the problem?" SD: "Oh nothing." Me; "Are you upset I put his bath swing in the tub?" SD: "I don't like how it looks." Then I went off: "He takes a bath EVERY night. We are getting ready to take a bath NOW. I know you don't want to share with your brother, but that is JUST how it is." I didn't yell, but was firm and she could tell I was pissed.
DH wasn't home, but I let him know what happened ASAP when he got home. He just said, "Okay, I'll handle it." He goes and talks to SD and told her that he thought she had good intentions, but they are sharing the bathroom now. Same thing I said really, minus the good intentions part.
What is your take on this? I saw it as another sign SD hates having him around. And "cleaning up" his things was a way of her being territorial. I don't think was she was doing was helpful at all, nor was she intending to be. I think she views DS bath items as "invading her space." Not matter how organized I make it, or how tidy I keep it, I feel she will have a problem with it.
Yes, she has been an only child. Yes, adjusting to a sibling is hard. Yes, she's a pre-teen. But this just REALLY bothered me. DH and I don't ask or expect her to do anything with the baby. Nor do we want to if it's going to cause even MORE resentment towards him. I feel like will never fully accept him. I can disengage etc. When DS gets older, I don't want him to think HE'S a problem for simply exisitng.
Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I wanted to get people's take on this.
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I don't think it'll matter at
I don't think it'll matter at all to DS he's got an absent or resentful elder sibling unless he can tell you're bothered by it. Your SD will be a teenager before long and hopefully out of the way doing her own thing. Your DS will only care about the people that are there for him in his little sphere. People that aren't there just don't exist as far as he's concerned. Just treat him like an only child. My DH was initially sad that DD3 hasn't ever met SD22 and won't have a sisterly bond but I can definitely say that DD hasn't suffered for any of it. She's got adults doting over her and a handful of kids she goes on play dates with. She knows she's loved.
Good point! When DS is old
Good point! When DS is old enough, I guess he won't realize SD missed out on a relationship... unless we show we are bothered by it. Hoping he will be unphased if I don't show that it bothers me.
I think you are right. Keep
I think you are right. Keep an eye on her so she doesn't try anything more nefarious. As baby gets older and can recognize her treating him poorly, make sure to handle it swiftly. Prepare for the issues this causes with your husband if he can't recognize it is on purpose.
Yes, sometimes DH can totally
Yes, sometimes DH can totally see it. Sometimes I feel like he is partly in denial. I think a big part of it will also be how DH handles it. This is just as much of an issue for him as well.
Don't expect or encourage a
Don't expect or encourage a sibling bond between them. Different mothers makes a difference whether people admit it or not. Dh doesn't facilitate a relationship between ss and our two and things are just fine like that. Just watch out for anything untoward and nip it quickly. Your response to her bathroom situation was perfect. Too many people walk on eggshells as to not hurt skids' feelings.
Did she put her stuff away in
Did she put her stuff away in a cabinet, too?
Yes, she's a pre-teen and was an only child, and probably resents that she has to share space, that is part of it, but if she has ADHD and ODD, not all of her behavior in within her control. She can learn to control it, if her parents get her the right help.
If she truly has ODD, getting into these back and forth power plays with her is not going to help (that's what she wants and thrives on). You are going to have to change your mindset and your reactions. Read up on behavior modification for ODD.
When she said what she said to herself ("BRO, why did you put that in there. I put it in the cabinet for a reason!"), I would have ignored her and continued doing what I was doing. She wanted you to hear her, she wanted to get you going, she wanted you to argue with her. You had already explained before that she was sharing the bathroom with her brother.
What are her parents doing to deal with this, as far as treatment? Not necessarily medication (although she might need that for the ADHD) but diet, exercise, and sleep all can play a roll.
I know that it's frustrating but you have to take a step back and not take it personally. If she has these disorders (and maybe other mental issues), it's no picnic for her, either. You have no idea what's going on in her brain.
Of course not (as far as her
Of course not (as far as her things go). She consistently leaves clothes and wet towels on the floor. Wrappers from bath bombs and doesn't rinse out the tub. I never have, and don't say anything to her about her cleanliness. As far as I'm concerned, that is for her parents to address.
Treatment for her mental health unfortunately is not a priority for either BP. Both DH and BM are in an unsaid competiton of who can be the most permissive parent and her BFF. They let her rule the roost as far as her making decisions. No bedtime. No chores. No time limit on cell phone. No rescheduling of missing therapy appointments. No monitoring that she takes her medication. No limit on sodas and junk food. A lot of it also has to do with parenting failures. I think that only magnifies her issues. I've come to realize it's not my responsibilty to enforce, or prioritize those things if her parents don't. My hands are tied as far as how SD turns out and it's not a reflection of me as a SM.
Nope, it is most certainly
Nope, it most certainly is not a reflection of you as a step mother. Not much that you can do except not engage in her battle of wills.
Very frustrating about her parents. She is in for a lifetime of hurt because they won't help her.
What will they do when she becomes promiscuous or her behavior gets her into legal trouble? Nothing, I suppose?
I would have taken issue with
I would have taken issue with the way she was talking to you. She's not just being territorial with her brother, she's being territorial with you. She is just going to have to get over this. It's good your DH gave her a talk, even if he did soften it a lot with the "good intentions" part.
Dang it
I would be of mind to put MORE of BS stuff out in the bathroom.
SD princess cannot erase him by putting stuff away. Its ludicrous that skids think they run the assylum. They often do if disney daddio lets it. Luckily your DH is on the same page.
Sneaky lil SD aint she. Her "good intentions" were transparent. Bet you cant wait for her to be a teenager. My ex SD was just like her at that age and she got worse. BUT that was because ex DH let her and I had no say.
Riiight? Or when DS is a
Riiight? Or when DS is a toddler, doing toddler things. Being potty trained, learning how to brush his teeth, bath toys, etc. I don't think she realizes that he is going to grow up HERE. In this house. Whether she likes it or not. And kids (other than her) have STUFF. I feel like it will send her over the edge and she will want to go live with BM.
P.S. - When I was pregnant I found 2 of DS onesies shoved in the couch. In the basement. I'm sure she was "cleaning up" then too. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I am coming to realize that she is just a resentful and bitter person.