How do you navigate the relationship with SKids in laws
How do you get on with your SKids potential or actual in laws? For SS, I would say his in laws have been polite and pleasant to us. But there is always that awareness that they are very close to BM. SS and SDIL both went to a very close knit type of private school with mom cliques/politics, if that explains the sort of dynamic. They call themselves sister moms. Plus SS in laws and DH and I never actual met until after their engagement. It wasn't because of a lack of interest on DH/our side wanting to be apart of SS life and new family. I also get the impression from SDIL's parents that they know some of BM/SKids side of the story and although they are polite they are assessing us based on what they heard.
Fast forward to recently, SD who hasn't been the one to call DH first in like months if not years, usually he has to call her or she lets it go to voicemail and texts him back like days later; she actually called him. She told DH her BF and his parents may come down during thanksgiving week and they would like to meet him. Of course, the parents have met BM and BM's family already. They were even invited to SS's wedding.
SD's BF or potential fiance then calls and asked DH for his blessing to ask SD to marry him out of the blue. This was the first time he has ever called DH. Which I think was both surprising, suspicious and sweet knowing the almost non-existent relationship SD and DH have. He would like for his parents to meet DH during the thanksgiving week if possible with everything that is going. But, if we can't physically do so then maybe meet via video conferencing (I think that would be awkward). His mother apparently feels it is important we meet before he pops the question. But then I wonder if the gesture was made purely because his parents are pressuring a meeting and he doesn't know how to navigate the dynamics.
He probably finds the family dynamics strange and doesn't want to expose SD to the scrutiny of his parents. I personally would want to meet DKids potential spouses parents. I also would want DKids to be fully aware of any dysfunction before if at all possible.
My issue with this is, I feel like Skids always put on these productions, they expect you to show up and play the part they scripted out for you. Even if the part embarrasses you. Then when the production is over it goes back to little to no communication. Anything outside of that is invading their privacy and their space. For DH's birthday he couldn't even get a call, he got a text at like 10 pm at night and a mailed gift from SD. She lives like 30 minutes away, with BM still. SS sent a gift via the courier service of DS. But, meet and put on a smile for her potential in laws he gets a call. If he says no to the meeting then SD will probably turn it to make it look bad on DH. If she hasn't done so already to explain why we are meeting so late in comparison to BM.
At the same time these are the same people that you have the potential to share grandchildren with so you want to get on well. Also there may be the potential that they haven't been influenced by BM side as yet and truly want to get to know the family of the person their son is marrying. Ideally taking a stand on this seems so wrong because of the potential relationships at risk. But at the same time it's like playing puppet to cater to SKids when needed and then being ousted when the show is over.
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SD's husband is a loser and
SD's husband is a loser and treats her like shit. We have nothing to do with him, so no in-law issues!
I feel like Skids always put on these productions, they expect you to show up and play the part they scripted out for you.
I just flat out don't believe in this, so would never do it. It is what it is and the truth comes out, eventually, so why pretend it's something different than what it is?
That is exactly my point. I
That is exactly my point. I am so tired of the pretense and so is DH. SKids on the other hand will only engage on their terms. They have no issue absolutely shutting down any progress DH thinks he has made in their relationship.
It is very embarrassing having no relationship with your kids. But DH is the only one actually pursuing a relationship, without his efforts, there would be no relationship. If he doesn't call they won't call or engage unless there is some holiday or occasion that needs a pretense.
"I am so tired of all the
"I am so tired of all the pretense..."
BOOM! If you've reached the point in steplife where you recognize the dynamic is a false, awkward paradigm, then you're a just a skip from realizing that your participation is purely VOLUNTARY. If these skids don't care about their own father, they certainly don't care about you, so embrace that and remove yourself from the equation. It is SOO liberating.
I once said that my DH's daughter treated me/us like a tool from the garden shed - occasionally useful, but something that only crosses your mind when you want to use it. For whatever reason, your DH has no deep emotional bond with his adult children. Unfortunate, but his issue to handle, not yours.
Continuing to offer yourself up to people that don't care about you isn't required or good for your self esteem, so why not step back? Tell your DH that it's the parent-child relationship that matters, and send him off to meet the in laws on his own.
SD needs money
For the wedding of her dreams. Lots of money, she has big expensive dreams. They are trying to rope you in to pay a good portion of the wedding
My husband has a really good
My husband has a really good relationship with his eldest. They have always chatted on the phone and in person a out their lives and goals. His youngest only opens up in person. I also dreaaaaad these they of future relationships bc BM is a ass kisser. But I'm just going to take my DH's lead.
I already know BM is going to push her Husband and my husband both walking SD down the isle or some thing along those lines. I hope her husband is smart enough to decline but he is pretty spineless and doesn't make eye contact with my husband.... soooo who knows. Good luck with whatever route you take.
I wouldn't hesitate to state
I wouldn't hesitate to state how surprised we were to find out SD was so serious about their son , that she is so busy, we never see her. Yeah, you can let the future in-laws that things are not as perfect as the skids say they are. Be authentic in yourself, the things you say and let them struggle to mesh the experience of you with the stories they've heard. No need to go along with the game but no need to hide them either. One it keeps things honest and Two it puts it out there that skid had better shape up if she's looking for money. You can achieve a lot with tone and well chosen words.
DHs mom passed away a couple
DHs mom passed away a couple years before we met, but I met his dad, who was a character. He told DH after meeting me at his house for a dinner with the SDs that I interacted with the girls better than their mother. We got on well. He has since passed.
His family, but for his half brother who he's not too close to but is a nice guy it seems, live over seas. I've met all of them and adore them. His step dad told me that he wishes things could have been different because he didn't know how to be a step parent and he knows how hard it is for me and DHs sister. Love that man.
DHs younger sister, who is my age, and I get on like crazy. She has an insane BM, a troubled SS who is likely to end up on the street, and a young SD who is being subject to PAS. However, she has a stunning daughter being raised well. And my OSD who won't talk with anyone will keep in touch with his sister, which is good. His sister thinks it's a way for OSD to maintain contact without involving her mother.
I love DHs older sis too, but she's not as close and a character. We hope to visit her as soon as we can travel again... she's just been made aware of the PAS issue so was out of the loop for a while.
MY parents are who I protect DH and the SDs from. I have those with issues!
My SK's inlaws
We have met all the SK's inlaws and maintain polite relationships. My feeling is I want to project a good image for the SK's sake but I don't have much interest in a stronger relationship. You are always going to be seeing these people thru the years. The SK's spouses were soon aware of all the family undercurrents and issues. I never said a bad word about BM in their presence, or to the step-grandkids. This was a non-issue for me. Thank goodness all the SK's parents seemed to be ok people.