Over the last couple of weeks, there was been progress. 

I've talked to both ss15 and sd14 and things are slowly starting to get better between the three of us. I've been having small interactions with ss13, in order to prove to him that there is no reason to be afraid of me; at first he would no speak to me at all. but slowly he's been opening up a little, but he's still very much reserved. I have apologized to him and have explained to him that it was never my intention to send him away in order to seperate him from dh or his siblings. Ss13 is seeing a new therapist, and a child psychologist. He still has a lot to work to do, but he's slowly coming to terms with the abuse he suffered by bm and her husband. 

Dh and I have made some real progress as well. The best part is that ss13 is slowly starting to try things by himself. Before Dh or the older two siblings used to be beside him at all times, but he's learning to try different things forhimself(his confidence is building). I previously did have some reservations about leaving ss13 alone with dd4, luckly dh did understood my reasons, and assured me that the older two will always be around. 

Yesterday evening, I was at dh's rental (he moved out) just visiting. We're taking it slow; dh and I were in the backyard talking while the 4 kids (ss15,sd14,ss13, and dd4) we're inside. I hear dd4 scream; naturally my motherly insticts take over and I rush into the house; there I see ss13 sitting beside dd4 alone.  I wasn't thinking at all, I went blank, I was panicking, I should have thought things through, but in that very moment, I clearly wasn't thinking. I ran up to dd4 and went to picked her up, and I lashed out at ss13- I really wasn't thinking at all, I honestly went blank, but that doesn't exuse me for what I did. I'm shamed and disgusted with myself!

I lashed out at him, and I asked dh why he was left alone with dd4 after I told him I didn't want him alone with her. I'm really ashamed of myself. All common sense went out the door. 

Ss15 comes in and says that ss13 went to use the bathroom and ss15 had to use the bathroom too, so he used the main floor, and sd14 comes running back and explains that she just went to get some of dd4 toys to play with, and that when dd4 screamed, ss13 basically booked it out of the bathroom to see if she was okay.  I was/am Horrified with myself. Dh was clealy unhappy wih the events that just transpired. Ss15 and Sd14 were giving me the death glare, and when I turned around to look at ss13, he looked terrified!!. There he was on the floor, and I was hovering over room. I never felt so shamed of myself. I wasn't thnking and lost all common sense. He started freaking out! I tried to apporach him, he back away, he looked at if I was about to hit him. I felt terrible! He started screaming, like full out panicking, ss15 and sd14 had to take him to his room, while dh and I stayed in the living room. I manage to calm dd down, but dh wasn't speaking to me at all. I don't blame him. 

I ask him to set a nanny up, so after I could see how ss13 teats dd4. We look at the footage. I burst out in tears when I watched it. Dd was jumping on the couch and she tripped and fell, and ss13 comes running in. I've never been so mad at myself before.

Dh was just sitting their quiet, sd14 comes back into the kitchen and tells dh that ss13 is crying a lot, and they don't know what to do. He tells her he'll be their in a second and to go back and see how ss13 is doing. Before I could say anything, he told me that I should leave... I wanted to at least apologize  to dh, but he told me to leave. He walked me to the door; as I stepped out, before I could say bye, he slammed the door!! I drove back in tears. I put dd to bed, and I've been a mess since. Dh isn't responding to any of my texts and he keeps rejecting my phone calls. I feel awful right now