Hello Everyone!
I am not sure how to start my blog here... Like a journal, it seems the hardest part is getting started, and how do you sort out what often feels all consuming? 10 years of being a Step, and I am no better at it than when I started. Reading the words here, especially now, when I am in the middle of "Stepping Back" (punny.. I know), are so important to me. I need to read what I do here, to feel less like a basket case and allow my autonomy to grow again.
My name is Dawn Marie, and I am a 38 year old Step to two teenage girls, 16 and 18 years of age now. I have been with my husband for 10 years, and was, until fairly recently, playing the balancng act of making this work. It bears mentioning that I have no children of my own, (another story), and that going in to this, I went in with few expectations.. as a realist. I thought I had the balance down, ie: not coming on too strong, going against what their bio-mom would do, being here, but not invading their space or time with their Father... all of the things that the "experts" so freely write, I practiced, and I believe, to this very day, a decade later, I practiced well. I have come to the conclusion, after so much time, real effort, hurt, isolation and pain that it never would have been enough, because my husband never had my back, and the rules kept changing... never to suit anyone but the bio-mom's whim of the week. It is my contention that it is only as good as the adults involved. The relationships formed are only as good as the effort put forth by all parties, and unfortunately,I was the only one held to this unattainable task. I can say that with 100& certainty, and as time goes on, and my blog grows, I hope someone here sees what I do in all of your posts and for a moment, someone feels less isolated. It is also therapeutic for me... so, yes, self seving too. I won't pretend to not be terribly hurt, tortured inside from the realization that none of my efforts made one damned bit of difference in the lives of these girls or my husband. I come here to heal, and hopefully, to help someone else heal.
Stepping back from these girls has been a process. It is hard, really hard. I am not sure what is harder, living as a definate outsider, an "other", and not having any support for my feeling about things as this decade passed, or letting go and stepping back and knowing that the possibility is a dream, and not being a part of their lives at all. I do know what the former feels like, and I know I have not felt at ease in my role since day one. I also know that I have lost a great deal of myself in this process and want it back.
I read a post that had a link in it regarding what the woman's life was like before her steps, and how she doesn't feel interesting anymore. How she used to buy endive and wine and she had a social calander... my life used to look that way. I was a fiercely independent woman, I made my own way, personally, had a great social life, read, went on vacations, and lived my life the way I wanted to. Professionally, I reached all I wanted to (still at it) and was contented.. dare I say, happy? Then... slowly.. my zippy sports car changed to a minivan, and I bobbed my hair and started wearing khacki, planning my social calander around his then small childrens dance, karate, soccer, school events, all of which I NEVER felt welcome at, either by his children, or him, and definately not his ex wife, yet... it became "expected" of me, although never appreciated. The rules would change as well, one week, I would be asked to pick one of them up at dance, the next, hit with a court order saying my husband is the caregiver and HE whould pick them up, not ME. Sgnals always mixed, always. It became apparant that my money to fund these things was good enough, but *I* was not. (more on these things later). This became clear about 3 years ago, in the planning of his oldests sweet 16 party, when I was asked for more money to afford the party, and when I asked what I could do to help, his daughter, (on the phone, with Bio-Mom in the background) said, "We do not need YOUR help"... the money was help right? It felt like someone punched me in the stomach. At the party itself, she had this candle lighting ceremony, where she thanked all of the important people in her life. Step Father was included, (although I believe that was Bio-Mom's doing, even in my hurt to this day), and I was not mentioned at all. I stood there as my husband went up to light his candle with my arms at my side, with my own parents present and choked back tears. My husband never said a word to his daughter about how hurtful that was, and as a 36 year old woman, my own Father caught me outside out of the sight of everyone and offered me a cig and held me as I cried. That was the straw that broke my back, and when I decided to step back slowly. It still hurts either way.. to be involved and outside of it, and not to be involved at all, but the most hurtful is that my husband is a fence sitter and says and does nothing to make me feel in the least bit important enough. It has affected every single aspect of my feelings for him. From how we communicate to sex to socializing... it is wearing me down to a very dull nub , and I know it. I want to reclaim MY life and yet know that OUR life together never really started, by his choice to not make me a part of anything that didn't involve using me. There is so much to say, so much to read here.. and like the woman here "Paranoid", I am without privacy now.. I am choking it back again, and will blog some more later.
Thank You wonderful women!
DawnMarie