I found this website a couple of days ago and have been reading all the comments and stories. I have to admit, I'm very concerned if I am handling my situation with my boyfriend (whom I’ll refer to as DH as not to confuse anyone) of two plus years the right way for everyone (me included) and could really use some guidance...

As background, I moved in with DH 4 months ago and we've had a very loving relationship since our very first date. I also have a very good relationship with my ex, but we had no children despite 15 years of marriage, so all the hostility after 9 years of divorce between DH and his ex is something I have no first hand experience on. And not having children myself, I KNOW I don’t have the kind of experience that a birth mother does.

DH has 3 children (BD15/BS13/BS10). All his kids are failing in school and BD is beginning to have serious troubles and is rebelling vehemently against BM. DH despises BM and adores BD so he will do almost anything to win BD’s approval. BD15 shared with BF last night that she had sex with her “20-year-old boyfriend” (we found out today that the other boys with her were 28, so we’re not overly convinced he’s only 20). She also admitted that she has tried marijuana "3 times".

Now DH is talking about taking BM to court for custody of BD and having her come live with us. Of course we'll take her, but in the back of my mind I'm concerned about the things that have happened in the past year like:

1. She was arrested for shoplifting at 14 and has no remorse for what she did.
2. She was arrested again on Monday for skipping school to see her boyfriend (BM left all the kids with one nanny while she went to Las Vegas w/o telling BF).
3. BM doesn't even talk to BD, which causes DH to believe BD is doing all these crazy things just to get BM’s attention (and I'm sure that's partially true).
4. BM solution to BD's problems is to send her away to an all girls boarding school because she either doesn't want to deal with her or, even more fearful to me, she can't find a solution for DB’s rebellion.

Adding to my fears is that I don't feel included in the kids life whenever they're around... Don’t get me wrong, we all get along very well and I believe they genuinely like me. But I still feel like an outsider looking in when I’m with them. BD and BF often disappear to talk while I watch the other children.

I feel as if I can't do or say anything about what the kids do (so I don't)... I never discuss with them their failing grades (even though I do help them when asked with their homework). I'm even uncomfortable (although I do this) about asking them to take their dirty clothes off the floor to the laundry room.

But I do understand that I just moved in with Dad and I’m just “Dad’s Girlfriend”. I’m the “fun” one… “No pressure on kids from me” is what I’ve become. My parents are still married so I don't have the same experience of what it's like to be pulled by both parents or having to deal with Dad’s girlfriend. But I do know, it can’t easy and my heart breaks for them.

I can honestly say I love them... They're beautiful and creative and funny... And they're normal. Even his daughter’s rebellious behavior is somewhat to be expected at her age… Not excusable, but no real surprise to me either. It needs to be handled appropriately, by her parents. All I can do is be supportive and maybe help BF with choices and BD if she ever wants to talk to me about things.

Having said all that, I understand that if BD comes and lives with us, our life together is going to be completely different. No more coming home for us to relax because she’s in that “I can do anything I want” stage of her life. But what's harder to accept right now is this gut feeling that I will be an outsider in my own home.

And that really scares me. I love him and I understand and support what he needs to do for his children. I’m not so sure that he can understand how much they affect my life too. I feel that because I decided to stay in this relationship knowing he has children, then I need to just stay out of the way. And I have stayed out of the way… but I haven’t been living under the same roof with them either. How do you stay out of the way in what’s suppose to be your home?

I'm afraid I'll just disappear and drown in loneliness. I've been depressed already for days and it's like I've lost my voice... I'm utterly speechless. I can’t even talk to him about anything. I don't even know if my feelings make sense to anyone.

If there anything I can do or say to him that will help us take care of his kids w/o ruining our relationship and lives, I would really appreciate the advice. Thanks for reading.