DH hits me up for $$$
DH comes up to me last night and asks my approval to give his son $$$ for his tuition and books. Mind you this is the same young man who broke into our home, stole from us, called me an @sshole and told me to f*ck off. So I told DH why are you asking me I do not give money to people who are disrespectful to me no matter whose son they are. Naturally DH gets pissed off and starts arguing that I just can not have an adult conversation without hashing out old shit all the time. Old shit? The f*ck off comment happened 2 months ago the break in about 5 and as of today sonny did not feel the need to apologize for any of it. And the more I think of it why would he apologize. What will happen if he does not? Nothing!
I just can not in good consious support this young man. Firstly, he is taking classes that have nothing to do with his major. He is in college so he can syphone money out of his parents with the mantra "I am working... on my education" and second he is just a plain dishonest, manipulative, disrespectful person who does not deserve anything from me. He has a grandiose sense of self entitlement, he told me I owe him because I married his father it is my duty to support him. I feel that if I approve of the funds DH is asking then his sense of entitlement will be justified.
The more I think the more I realize the major problem in all of this is DH.He created this self absorbed, ungreatful, manipulative young man who feels the whole world owes him. And the reason he feels like this is because DH has and continues to support the belief. DH swears to me that this will only last until ss gets his degree and then he is done. I do not believe him as none of that will change DH's guilt he feels towards not being around his son.
I told DH the other day that he can not expect me to give our relationship 100% when he is not capable of giving it himself. He is so absorbed with making amends to his son that our relationship suffers from it. He knows this and subsequently feels guilty about that too. His life is a perpetual cycle of guilt. He feels guilty for not being around his son so he kisses his ass, this creates unequality in our relationship so he feels he has to kiss mine.
I don't want anybody to kiss up to me. I want a relationship with someone who is willing and capable of placing me as #1 in their life as I have placed them #1 in mine.
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Comments
Thanks for the feedback
Thanks for the feedback Proud_Arrow. We have tried counseling and each time we go DH appears to see the light, agrees to follow principles..... then when the times comes to deliver he can not do it.
Preventing DH from doing
Preventing DH from doing anything is not my objective nor was it the subject of my post. What I said is that I can not give my consent. Big difference.
you can get student loans for
you can get student loans for personal expenses. let him get it and pay it back!
SS does not have a job and
SS does not have a job and has tried to change his major 3 times now. My thoughts exactly on the degree, it is doubtful he will ever get one.
thankfully DH has had the
thankfully DH has had the talk about school with ss17, he said you are the one going to school, you are the one who will benefit from it, you can pay for it. i know DH will help his son pay for as much side expense as he can, but the kid can pay for it on his own.....i'm waiting for the follow though.
cyberwoman i'm sorry you're going through the pain of college expenses and having to help - but i would have the same reaction as you if my ss17 were doing some of the shit your ss pulled. stay strong!
DH started wanting me to help pay for nights out with his boys when they wouldn't come visit on weekends, amazingly i paid down a lot of debt by paying my bills plus some so that there would be no left over money to help with skid expenses. i understand they're kids and they have a situation where BM doesn't give them $$ but if they were really motivated they could have summer jobs of mowing and doing chores around the house. i would have no problem giving $$ if they earned it but they don't and i do so i'm not sharing!
Sueu2 please do me a favor
Sueu2 please do me a favor and do not reply to any of my posts I don't have energy for people like you.
so thanks for setting me
so thanks for setting me straight to know it does not matter to you if DH gives him your money so long as you do not consent to it.
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What on earth does this have to do with this post?
"Umm, NO! You can not give
"Umm, NO! You can not give your son money. His latest issues have cost him any finacial support from us .... EVER! He is a young adult and as such he is accountable for his behavior and his behavior is not deserving of any support from ..... US!"
This is how I would have responded to your DH were I you.
As for your DH's comment, "DH swears to me that this will only last until ss gets his degree and then he is done that".
I present myself as an example of why this is a very bad idea. I was on the 11yr undergrad program. I was on the Mom and Pop Rags scholarship for my first two years of major surfing, I changed my major 7 times during my 11yr undergrad career and I actuall stuck with my final major for the last three years, until my parents decided that I could find myself on my dime. So, I paid for the middle seven years of my undergrad education. Once I demonstrated that I had my head out of my ass mom and dad helped (helped but did not cover the entire bill) for the last two years of my engineering degree.
Never in that entire time did I treat my parents as your SS treated you. If I were you I would let your DH know in no uncertain terms that if one penny of marrital resources goes to his ungrateful asshole spawn that your resources will not longer be marrital resources and half of his resources will no longer be his.
Let him interpret the message as he sees fit.
IMHO of course.
Best regards,
I want to KISS you right now,
I want to KISS you right now, for your honesty and courage of sharing your story with me. THANK YOU.
there is a reason child
there is a reason child support stops at 18, by this time kids should have an idea of how to support themselves. we are able to get a full time job - granted it may not be making 80,000 a year but it's enough to pay the bills of rent, car insurance, cell phone - the basics and i mean basics! you can eat cheaply when it's your $$ going towards the bill and not bank of mom and dad....i have learned a lot about money after being out on my own and i think everyone needs to. send the kid free. otherwise i agree with rags. take away half the marital income. dont' allow your money to go to a thankless skid.
How old is your SS? At 24 he
How old is your SS? At 24 he can apply for financial aid on his own and will qualify based on just his income.
So he started school this semester without a plan to pay for it? Or were you/DH just expected to pay? If you DO end up paying for this semester it should be perfectly clear to all of you what you will and will not pay for going forward. Put it in writing. (My ExH is famous for "not understanding.")
Anyone who was so disrespectful of me would ask for money from me only one time. Just the once would set them straight. Your DH is the guy in the middle but I'm not sure my response would be any gentler.
SS is 23 and truth be told I
SS is 23 and truth be told I no longer have the whole story about his academics. DH covers for him so much; tells me ss applied for scholarship and financial aid but he did not get either. I don't buy the scholarship story as he neither has the grades or other accomplishments that would qualify him for scholarship and the financial aid story seems fishy too as he does not have a current job or the history of steady employment.
It is not necessarily the
It is not necessarily the case that at 24yo he can get financial aid without submitting parental income information. All I could get was high interest personal supplemental loans which is not aid. I was 26, had been financially independent from my parents for 5 years when I sold my business and went back to school full time. I applied for financial aid. I got shit.
The morons in the financial aid office insisted that I provide my parents tax returns (which I did not do or even ask for). Because I refused to give them my parents financial information I got ZERO grants, and ZERO subsidized loans.
What really pissed me off was the the day I was in the financial aid office applying I had to fill out a reem of paper and got crap. A young minority lady came in who did not know who her father was. When asked to provide her parents income she informed the FA morons that she was fatherless and that she lived with her GM. The morons told her that she would have to provide her GM's and BM's income information. The young lady responded that both her GM and BM were on welfare. She had to fill out a single double sided form compared to my reem of paperwork.
When I went in to get my loan checks the young lady was in there. I picked up $15K of high interest private loan money. She picked up $25K in grants and gov't subsidized loans.
I don't blame her. If I had been from a low income low performing family I would have done the same thing.
This was nearly 20yrs ago so things may have changed since then .... but I seriously doubt it considering the income redistribution give away grab bag being led by Pres. Bam Bam.
It is probably even worse.
IMHO of course.
Best regards,
A.Deville you really made my
A.Deville you really made my day, specially love the guard dog purchase idea.