vent
So SS14 who lives with me full-time got smacked this morning by me. In front of his dad. He had me so upset that I completely lost it. I am so tired of his bs with schoolwork. It is the 3rd week of school and he already has an F, 2 D's and a C. I mean come on. But we shouldn't be upset? I regret losing my cool and smacking him (I now have a huge headache and feel like shit) I am sick of his freaking attitude. That kind of thing was not acceptable in my house growing up. This all started because yesterday when I went to drop him off at school his history teacher runs up to my car, yanks open my car door and says "Are you SS14's mom?" I say yes. Then the teacher proceeds to tell me that he needs to do better in class. Mind you he had already been grounded the whole weekend for getting bad grades in two other classes. So I go to the electronic gradebook online to look at his grades and see that he has a Freaking F in history. Its the 3rd week of school. So this morning we are discussing this with him and his dad tells him that if he gets one more complaint from a teacher that he was going to be in serious trouble. The freaking kid smirked. I lost it and smacked him. So I think I figured up was is up. Why the disrespect. See his BM has been filling his head with all sorts of bullshit since she now has a job. (First time in 8 years) and a new boyfriend. So now its "Don't worry its only a matter of time until you come live withe me, I am going back to court and getting custody" Mind you it has been six years that my DH has had custody. So the 14 year old doesnt think that he has to listen to me and his dad, who sacrifice and do everything for him. Because his POS BM is going to save him from us. AHHHH I am so tired of this shit.
- CrazyCubanStepMOM's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Doubt it could hurt her.
Doubt it could hurt her. BM's husband pulled my 9yoSD's pants and panties down and spanked her. No one did a damn thing about it. He is a pervert, and has had sexual abuse allegations against him already, before this. Also, he's non-custodial.
Besides, spanking is legal in all states.
I think you did fine... I
I think you did fine... I would have done the same smacked the smirk right off his face...in fact I wouldn't blame you if you had to give him a good beating to get the point across! Boys are just stupid and hard headed period! I hope you grounded him for a longer period and make sure to take all his privileges away as well. No TV, computer unless its for school work, no video games, texting, No weekend fun, etc... Its to school and home no friends over. Nothing STUDY STUDY STUDY and HOUSE CHORES!!! Until you see a change on his behavior and grades don't back down..Sometimes you have to be hard on these teenagers to get some kind of result. He will come around when he realizes that you and your husband are not joking....At the end you will be the last one smirking.
Thank you Echo, I never even
Thank you Echo, I never even thought of that. You are totally right. I need to back off completely. Let his father deal with his disrespect. I have two little boys here who need me and we definitely don't need any legal issues. As far as SS14 is concerned he is and has always been a huge problem. My husbands side of the family are not happy with him and his behavior and his BM can't and has never been able to handle him. Honestly I don't usually resort to hitting the kids. I am a time out or go to your room person. I also don't think that BM has any intention of getting custody. Its all talk and no action. We have been hearing the same old song for six years. But if she took custody then she would actually have to be responsible for them. That would intrude on the time with her love life. But you are right I need to step back and let my husband handle this situation. I am not going to say anything just not get involved. Thank you for the advice.
Foxymama, the sad part is
Foxymama, the sad part is that he has No privileges. We took everything away already. He had a cell phone that we paid for, for two years and he used it for maybe six months because of grades. The tv in his room got removed 2 years ago because he cant be trusted not to turn it on when he is not supposed to. I mean he is 14.
I keep hoping that he will come around but with BM in the picture again its always so difficult. Especially since she is mad at me for taking her off my facebook. She is not speaking to me (which is fine) But apparently is filling the kids head with nonsense because when they come back they have a huge attitude.
that does suck...And it is
that does suck...And it is very hard when BM is in the picture. My SD is still very young so If her BM fills her head with shit I'll make sure to tell SD other wise...same with her attitude. Every time she visits her BM she comes back a little shit. I tell her leave it at the door when you step into MY home or just continue staying at your mothers we don't tolerate that kind of behavior... Its different for everyone. I can Slap SD if I wanted and it would be fine..probably not with BM but I really would care less about what she thinks I'll slap the shit out of her to if I must. I agree with everyone else. He's at that age where he thinks he knows everything and that you cant tell him what to do. Fine then don't... Disengage while you still have your sanity sweet heart, it will save you lots of headaches in the long run. Let DH deal with his awful son.
Ok...but seriously these
Ok...but seriously these consequences of losing priviledges aren't working.... 2 years???
Removal of priveledges is supposed to help improve behavior....if it's not working I find it ineffective and time to try something else at this point.
Some kids do not respond well to constant negative consequences but DO respond to positive reinforcement or "rewards" vs "punishment". If what you are doing isn't working, something else shoudl be tried...different approach. Not all kids respond to discipline in the same way.
The alternative is detach entirely, demand basic respect and let dad deal with his kid. Granted you are a custodial step-mom so that's different. That's MY approach w/ FSD that I see EOW-I have enough to deal with raising my own children.
Screamfree parenting is a great book by the way...I'm about to re-read it.
I'm with Stepaside. It
I'm with Stepaside. It sounds like DH needs to step up more and not give lip service. It seems he's using you to be the disciplinarian in the house. I'd start disengaging post haste.
As for him going to live with the BM, so be it. But from the sounds of it, the BM has not been paying YOU CS all this while. So she'd better not want CS for molding him into a budding felon.
In my case GG (biodad I live with) pays a HEAP of CS just so the Behemoth (BM) can turn his children into three piles of shit.
She has ZERO expectations from them in school and has told them that they don't need to study b/c they're going to be the next Jimi Hendrix or American Idol star!!! Did I mention that all three have ZERO talent?
So far all three have a "high F" average and basically squeak by (are socially promoted) by being given the pity "one point above failing" average at the end of every school year (with a lot of arm twisting on the part of the Behemoth; she is practically MAYOR of that small town of 5,000)
Of course the Behemoth blames ALL of the bad grades/bad behaviour, etc. etc. on the "tragic breakup/divorce." (TM) :sick:
When in reality it is a big fat excuse to free range and NON-parent.
Overit, we have done positive
Overit, we have done positive reinforcement. Heaps lots of compliments when he does ANYTHING right. We have had chore charts, been to therapists, psychiatrist, psychologist. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. Oppositional Defiance Disorder. This was 9 years ago, and he was living with his Bipolar Drug addict mother. It's just really hard, as you all know, when he know he has a free pass eow, and at mom's there will be no consequences at all. But you guys are right. I need to disengage now. Its just really hard because I care about him. This has affected me all day though. I still have a huge headache. Course I have to go pick him up in about an hour. Hopefully this evening will be better.
I know....it's tough when you
I know....it's tough when you do care deep down you know?
Unfortunately if he has a history or mental illness that could be a huge problem that's not easily overcome. AND I think as parents once we label our kids it's hard for us to let them outside the box we helped put them in kwim? AND they themselves try to live up to that label-in fact we were talking about this last night w/my bf. It doesn't help if he has an official diagnosis kwim?
14? Has he just started HS? My oldest is having a rough start in middle school....came home with 4 A's and 3 F's.....no in between wth??? He's still learning about being organized, time management, being responsible for his work, it's a HUGE adjustment for both of us from elementary. So I'm not overdoing the punishment right now but still working w/him every night to help switch this around by next report card.
He already does not play video games/computer during the week-both of them don't it's the rule
He's having a hard transition time and difficulty w/some concepts. I'm considering a tutor for the areas he's not doing well in. Another thing is...for some kids studying is just plain harder then others. It's not about being dumb more then it is attention span, focus, etc...if you add mental illness it becomes a real challenge. Not everything in life is about grades, but about learning and behavior as well.
For some kids it just comes easy...I have two sons 1 1/2yrs apart, one grade apart. For my youngest studying comes easy, math comes easy-he is being tested for the gifted program and his mental agility is mind boggling. My oldest is totally not this way-but has other character traits that I just LOVE about him whereas my youngest doesn't. I am having to realize now-that life may be easier for one then the other-at least in context of grades/schools/career...that doesn't mean my oldest won't have a wonderful life and find something that challenges him and becomes succesful kwim?
Try to find some positive traits and think on those...even if the other stuff is crappy-I find I tend to have negative thinking about where they are failing vs where they are thriving. When I change my perspective I feel the stress just fall off my shoulders. Life is a lot more then grades-your relationship is more important IMO. If that takes disengaging then do so.
OH...and I have two great book suggestions The Mind of Boys-Michael Gurian - I wish every parent and educator read this. Also a great one is Real Boys-William Pollack. I think you'll find great comfort, ideas and revelations in these. As . I've got quite a few on that re-read list now lol
Thank you I will definitely
Thank you I will definitely read those books. The funny part is that he came home from school like nothing happened. He is being super sweet and is helping out in the kitchen. Has hugged me about 20 times and keeps telling me he loves me. DH doesn't get home till later so we are usually by ourselves (with the 3yr. old twins, and SD11, never really alone.) He can be so sweet, and sometimes such an ass. I guess its part of being a teenager. Once again thank you for all your support. It really helped.