Step son destroying marriage HELP me out
My wife and I have been married for 9 years. We both had kids prior with mine being 12 (Girl) & 15 (Boy). Her two are 20 (Girl) & 21 (Boy). The MAJOR problem is my step son who is 20 years old. He only works 15-20 hours per week at a restaurant and will not look for any other type of employment at all. He dropped out of school at 17 years old because he said he wanted to nothing but work for a living and as you can see that’s not really happening. He does absolutely NOTHING around the house at all. He wakes up in the later afternoon most times, gets in the shower and heads off to work for 2-5 hours and after that he goes out and parties then comes home anywhere from 12:00 to 4:00 in the morning only to do it all over again.
The very large problem is his bank account is tied into our bank account and has been for a couple of years. I started keeping track of every penny only to find out that my wife has been transferring him money from our account and paying his car insurance, lawyer fees, Etc. She has claimed that he gives her cash back, but that is not showing up anywhere. Over the past three (3) months she has transferred over $1,600.00 into his account and I can only find where he has paid back $746.00 (-$854.00) This doesn’t include what she gives him in cash, but I’m sure its negative $1,000+. Again I have only been monitoring the past three (3) months.
Over the past two years he has done everything from stealing my wife’s debit card and withdrawing cash to having a party when we were out of town that resulted into $1,600.00 of stolen and damaged property. He has overdosed on Xanax; He was busted smoking weed by the police on numerous occasions, has had three car accidents and one being in my wife’s car that forced us to change insurance companies due to cost increase after I told her that I did NOT want him driving her car (in my name) he has destroyed his bedroom, he has punched holes through out the house, Stealing cigarettes, cash from my kids and me. My wife allows his girlfriends to spend the night at our home, Etc I could go on forever. I just opened my own bank account this week and split the savings down the middle to be fair even though I should have taken out what my step son still owes us. Now my wife is trying to lay a guilt trip on me because of this. I make a little more than she does, but I will be paying about 60% of all of the bills, but in reality I am ready to just get out of this mess. Thoughts…?
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I am not surprised you are
I am not surprised you are ready to leave. But before you do, why not give your wife an ultimatum, that her son has to get his own place and be financially responsible, ie support himself? If she does not enforce this - within a specific time frame -you are gone. He has been allowed to get away with murder - this obviously is unsustainable - she must see this - and if not, you do not want to be sharing in the mayhem that is their lives.
Agree with this ^^^^^^^^^^!
Agree with this ^^^^^^^^^^! It is not sustainable. You love her and have a life with her. Tell her what you need and expect.
Then be prepared to walk if she can't see past the insanity of this situation. Otherwise you are destined to have an adult living with and off of you for the rest of your life, not to mention the craziness he brings to you home.
And you did the right thing. Separate accounts is the only way to go in your situation.
I wish the best and hope that she see she will be loosing the love of her life if she continues being an enabler in her adult child's life.
I just opened a separate bank
I just opened a separate bank account this week and she doesn't like it one bit. I told her if she made SS get his own account I wouldn't open up my own account, but she will not have him do such so I now have my own account. AND there is no way in hell that she would make him move out...she treats him like he's 12 years old and I on top of all of this my Son and wife do not get a long and I know my kids are not angels, but they work hard, do chores...wash cars, cut lawn and are very respectful and appreciative, but my wife looks for every little thing she can pin on my son...not very supportive, but always hard on him and he's the one who doesn't almost everything around the house without me even having to ask him to do it. I know my son resents the fact the SS gets away with murder and he doesn't get away with anything.
Wow. Sorry, but your wife is
Wow. Sorry, but your wife is not a very good parent. My son is 18 and he has his own truck, (I do pay insurance) and his own bank account. He told me last week that he saved up almost $2500.00.
DH and I agreed BEFORE we moved in, that the only way kids over 18 could live in our house is if they were in college FULL time and work part time. Not one or the other, they must do both.
You are in a hard spot. I do not understand these parents that allow their grown offspring to live at home like this. You and your wife need counseling asap.
And yes...keep your own money and she keeps hers.
Been through the counseling
Been through the counseling thing already. My wife's Dad is totally on my side, but anytime he or anyone else for that matter says anything negative about SS Mom goes into a defensive mode and don't want to hear ANYTHING about SS AT ALL (Period)Wife has lied to me for a long time about her children and it was for the very small things too...she has always covered for both of her kids, but I have shared everything with her about my kids. She wants to raise all four of our children, but only wants me to raise mine. It's been this way for years and it's not going to ever work...simple as that.
Is their BF in the picture?
Is their BF in the picture?
Barely in their lives. Sees
Barely in their lives. Sees them once a month (If that) and now he is going to be a missionary overseas. Nothing against missionary's, but I have an excellent mission for him here...HIS KIDS! lol
Wow, how convenient for him.
Wow, how convenient for him. I'm thinking that would be a wonderful opportunity for SS..send him on the mission field!
It sounds like you're going to have to be the "bad guy" here. I might give an ultimatum at this point. Do something about your kid, or I'm out of here. Is she afraid of her son or just a stick her head in the sand parent?
shes not afraid of him, but I
shes not afraid of him, but I am because the last time I said something when he punched a hole in the wall he got in my face and said I wasn't his Father...he was 17 at the time, but now he is 20 and I will take him out without thinking about it as he is 120 pounds and I am 6' 200 pounds and can handle myself very well, but I don't need my kids seeing me smack the hell out of this kid. I don't want it to come to that if I can avoid it, I will.
I wouldn't go that route.
I wouldn't go that route. You're right, your kids don't need to see that. And it's possible you'll get arrested for assault. Call the police. Maybe they'll find drugs on him and arrest him. He's not very smart, considering the size difference, getting in your face like that. He probably wanted you to hit him because he was a minor.
Tell her that you raise your
Tell her that you raise your children and she can raises her children. OH WAIT! She does not have children any longer, she has grown adults that should have already been raised. Good grief, how can she not see this?
I think an ultimatum may be in order. What would she say if you told her that this adult SS has 6 months to find another place to live? No child should be living at home at that age if not in college and working. Are there any plans for him to ever move?
If I gave her an ultimatum
If I gave her an ultimatum she would say that her and SS are leaving...has said it many of times, but I really don't care anymore. I told her last time to just leave then. I got my own account and she is trying to say that I am punishing her. NO I'M NOT...I want to keep my money and not just give it away to SS for no good reason at all besides making him happy.
Well, if SS keeps up how he's
Well, if SS keeps up how he's going, he'll end up getting arrested eventually. Then he'll have everything he needs. Three meals a day, clothing, shelter, lots of new friends...
Obviously her threatening to leave is just that...a threat.
NO PLANS for him to move at
NO PLANS for him to move at all...he always feeds her the "Im going to get my GED, going to join army yada yada...never happens NEVER WILL
I agree 100%. Actually
I agree 100%. Actually looking for a place now...getting ideas, Etc. I just dont know what to do with the house. I sure as hell dont want it as it would be too big for three of us anyways. I know she wont want it either...have to cross that bridge I guess
50??????????????? Please say
:jawdrop: 50??????????????? Please say it doesn't last that long for real...
I must go cry now...
You need to stand up for
You need to stand up for yourself. This is never going to get better. He is old enough to be on his own. She is not doing him any favors. I would separate everything financially as well. But, then I never combined finances to begin with because of stuff like this with my first husband.
Also look at it this way, do you really want her son to be the role model for your children?
absolutely don't want him as
absolutely don't want him as a roll model and for a while my son was attaching to him, but he woke up and realized that SS is bad news! Hey thanks to everyone for their reply's and support...I have never used the internet for this kind of stuff, but wanted more opinions or to see if I was nuts for feeling this way, but NO...I'm right!
Very well said...Going to
Very well said...Going to inform her today, but I know she will say that they (Her and SS) are moving out and I have no problem. I make decent money and I'm ready for it to be just me and my kids now.
Yep...already have been
Yep...already have been through the crying and BM trying to put a guilt trip on me because I have been through this before, but was calling her bluff and the only difference this time is I'm not bluffing...I'm just tired of it and need to move on. One thing that has always stuck out> During my child custody trial (1st wife)about 8 years ago the Judge told me attorney that he see's my wife (Current) as a manipulative person and this Judge is a very SMART Judge...I'm really starting to see that or I should say that I have seen this about 7 years ago...I feel that I haven't had a back bone, but I do NOW...you can only handle things like this for only so long. I'm a VERY patient person, but even people like me run out...I'm totally out of patience!
I went through the back and
I went through the back and forth several times before I stood my ground and ignored the guilt trips. Was just noting today that the relationship between us is the best it's ever been. I live alone and don't buy the bullying and guilt trips any longer. He doesn't push at me like that so much any more, probably because I look spacey, ignore whatever 'poor pitiful me/us' line or change the subject when he does invoke one. I once again have space to think about myself and what is truly important to me, rather than constantly fretting over what he or his son want/need/demand.
Everyone's situation is different. In mine, it seems possible that Bozo and I might still enjoy one another's company, just not as a living together couple. Frankly, it no longer matters to me if we still have a relationship. I enjoy the time we choose to spend together, but have plenty to do and enjoy when we're apart. Setting one's boundaries and sticking to them is very liberating, regardless of the ultimate outcome!
Best wishes to you and your children!
Even though I KNOW it will
Even though I KNOW it will NOT happen (I need time to get my stuff together) I gave her two (2) months. Either SS gets a full time job and helps out around the house financially and physically (NEVER HAPPEN) OR SS pack up and gets out (NEVER HAPPEN) Wife said she always knew it would come to this, but her response to SS was " He will grow up eventually and I cant get worked up about the little things" Yea...she said little things! and yes she said he will grow up EVENTUALLY!
Did you tell her that if one
Did you tell her that if one of those things didn't happen you were leaving? What is her incentive to make something happen? Her head is definitely in the sand. She is not doing him any favors enabling him. He may never grow up...
YES...I did, but there is no
YES...I did, but there is no sense. She has NOT said anything about what she is going to do at all. She just said, "Well I knew this would happen sooner or later" and your right he will NEVER grow up. He has her wrapped around his finger very tight and I have told her this for years. I plan on looking for an apartment late October...just going to suck having to split all the belongings up. She doesn't want the house and neither do I (Too big and costly) I'm not surprised that she isn't going to do anything, but then again I'm not surprised. She actually joked about it a few times last night. Changed her shirt and said I was going to miss these (Breasts) She may find it funny, but comes November...me and my kids are gone.
Anyone still here? lol been 4
Anyone still here? lol been 4 years and my situation has changed for a little while... it was good for a short time (kind of), but back to square one. This time its STEP DAUGHTER! Step son moved out not long after my last post, BUT had a child 2.5 years ago...I love the little girl to death BUT watching her every single weekend will not cut it for my 47 year old self who enjoys doing adult things. Yep...watching step granddaughter every weekend (Saturday though Sunday) Back to SD...she (25) moved in last year...supposed to pay $100 rent, but I don't believe she does...hard top track money from wife, anyways...SD is worse! lazy does nothing around the house at all. Works as a waitress for past 4 years...party, work, sleep and that's it! I have since ran out of patience and time so...its time to pack it up. I was just wondering if anyone has good info and preparation ?
Wow...someone still here,
Wow...someone still here, cool. Well you are all correct...just trying to figure out whey I don't see myself as a nut job for dealing with this, but it sure is making me bitter...very bitter
I guess my answer would be
I guess my answer would be that I'm a complete idiot...that's what I would call someone else in my shoes anyways, but in reality it was easier to ignore a lot, but I'm at the age (47) where I'm tired of it all...my son is 19 and supports himself and is doing well, my daughter is going to be a senior and has all A's and B's...great kids, but these 25 year olds are just unreal, but its their Mother who enables them NON-STOP...I am not in love with her anymore and I believe the main reason was her children...her hiding everything from me, lying, going behind my back, ETC. the 2 1/2 year old has just compounded it even more especially when SS and his girlfriend have a FREE babysitting service. Damn fool I am (WAS) Just trying to get all of my ducks in a row before departure!