Discussed Disengagement
Talked with DP this morning. He began convo by asking if I was going to help with SD9s breakfasts and lunches. No, DP, I can't do that any more. He said ok he just needed to know.
Then I also let him know I was no longer, ever, going to go into the SDs rooms. This includes laundry duty. And making sure household dishes are brought up and that HE needs to take care of it. Then he says, LOL, "Ok, you haven't ever asked me directly to do it before." My mouth dropped open for a few seconds and I clarified that he was just hearing me talk and that my request for him to help was not enough? Yep. He had to be told "you need to do this." Ok then.
He next tried to tell me how he was going to and how HE took out some of their trash..."DP I can't hear this. I don't want to know how you negotiate it with them. You figure out how to do it and make sure it's done."
So I am out of it officially! Feels great! I'm installing locks today and doing some house stuff for myself. Grocery store run involves nothing for SDs.
The key with DP is to remain calm...he did tell me he doesn't want me to hold in my frustration, which I don't, he just stops listening when I get really annoyed and pushed past my edge and "freak out." So I think the key is being calm, being direct with HIM and doing it as soon as there is a need.
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Progress! Well, for you.
Progress! Well, for you. Not so much for DP. lol.
In my case I did it because
In my case I did it because there was a lack of action by DP. He didn't do the wash or buy them clothes often enough. He didn't clean up the kitchen or stock good food or make sure the living areas were clean or that food wasn't rotting in the SDs room...Inturned into a maid for my own sanity.
And then DP didn't see that the SDs need responsibility (and still doesn't). The book Stepmonster, and this site has given me the language and understanding that this is DP and BM issue and I cannot assume responsibility for other household members inaction. I told DP this morning, "I cannot ask SD12 to clean up her room (apparently he thought I'd work it out with her somehow?) because I have no authority to do that." He got that loud and clear.
It took time but it clicked!
my DP thinks that i have the
my DP thinks that i have the authority because he is giving it to me. Aka it is totally ok to tell his kid what i want her to do and so on. Well... i don't want to have to tell his 17 year old what to do no matter what it is. She has to know to clean her room by now (she doesn't), do her laundry, be considerate of others and not eat the last piece of some food because she thinks that whatever is in the fridge is for her etc etc.I haven't said a word to him yet. Yet if it ever comes to being straightforward, I KNOW he will be offended if i completely disengage and say that it is all on him to parent his kid and i want no part in it
I think it will be an argument rather than him hearing me loud and clear
I think that's part of not
I think that's part of not having the authority. When you have true authority then your SO has made it clear to you AND other members of your household that you and he have joint rules and consequences. And that he supports you and the Skids will do as you ask. He then supports you and your decisions consistently.
My DP sounds like yours. He said he wanted me to do certain things but when I did he acted like I was personally attacking his precious girls, even to the point of me getting mad because they were breaking things and getting into my stuff (again) and other things I thought we had rules about (but they can't help it, they are busy, we got home too late, etc.) So I had it. I've been disengaging slowly over the last 6 months but it finally wasnt enough. I think DP also sensed I was at a breaking point. He's a good partner so he supports my decisions mostly, and we can talk without getting angry. I just laid out what I wasnt going to do any longer because I was not happy with doing it all.
And a main reason I stick
And a main reason I stick around?
DP tells me often that nothing is more important than "us." And he refers to this over SDs.
I think lots of dads here don't do this. I know I am of utmost importance to him (and vice versa) so he's trying.
He's learning to be a dad from scratch, and my disengaging has really struck a chord with him. It'll be interesting once we have SDs again, starting on Wednesday, for the week...
Disengaging felt good. DW
Disengaging felt good. DW would ask me in the past to help ss14, 9 or 10 at the time, to be more responsible and doing chores. But she had always done everything for him, created excuses for him, and negotiated with him so I was asked to step in and help, and i dont negotiate with kids..., it didnt go so well. And it didnt help that she would go behind my back to do his things i asked him to do, therefore making me "The Tyrant". I decided to disengage and in exchange for him not habing to help around the house, neither of them ask me for anything involving him. Works out great!! For me... lol!
Yes, DP will do things for
Yes, DP will do things for SDs too, basic stuff they should be doing at their age. And I know he's told them "Cover wants you to do this..." Rather than "We need you to do this..."
Disengaging saves your
Disengaging saves your sanity.