...even the dog gets that...without having to say a word...your position of authority is naturally understood by those that surround you...

The family dog may be in tune with that, but children need to be taught...

If you relinquish your seat to reward her bad behavior /manipulation...in essence you are putting your seat up for grabs...The best thing you can do for the little girl is stand you ground lovingly...help her realize it is not a position you are willing to play tug of war with...It is like your wedding ring...It is yours, and she doesn't get to come in and take off your wedding ring and where it if she treats you bad enough...why on earth would you reward her ill treatment...that just sends the message that if you are naughty enough we will cave and give you what does not belong to you...That type of response will on fuel insecurity in her. Healthy clear boundaries is what she needs right now. Your seat of authority and the love of her father are two totally separate subjects...as is her glaring at you or treating you with any kind of disrespect is unacceptable...and needs to be addressed. Actually you could ask her why she is glaring at you to get it out of her so you can communicate through it with your dh involved...When she says she doesn't want you sitting next to her daddy...then that is a great time to explain it to her that she is the daughter and you are the wife....."talk" In clarifying your roles...you help her not to be so threatened by the fact that her dad love you too only different...she is still very loved...just because her parents roles changed ..hers did not...therefore she does not take over her moms old position...that is your job.

The love of her father is not a choice between her or you...he can love you both...His love for her is different as she is his daughter and that is what God originally intended...His love for you as his wife is an entirely different thing. If you relinquish your position to her because she tests the confusion by glaring at you...you will send her the mixed message that she can take over your position any time she treats you badly enough and forces the issue...not good...She will continue to do it later and it will get worse...she is having a hard time sorting out her feelings right now...You have to remember...her mom is no longer there with her dad...a constant she had known her whole life...now he has abandoned her mom and she doesn't know how secure her relationship with him is...is he going to leave her too? Her security is plagued with fear of abandonment right now...With that being said...you have to keep the roles that you play very clear...It is incredibly tempting to give in and cave to her insecurities...but that will only make things worse...Right now, at this time, she is trying to establish new rules, a new footing to stand on, and all she know is that her family is broken and everything she counted on has crumbled...the best thing you can do is help her re-eaablish her role in the new family as quickly as possible, so she can acclimate herself to her new normal. Temporarily giving her your seat just creates confusion......

The best thing you can do for her is sit next to your husband and love her at the same time...until she feels secure in her own role as the daughter..He needs to validate her, and you in front of her so she sees it is not a competition....until she finally gets it in her understanding.

It may not seem like a big deal now, but trust me it is a big deal because she is learning her position...You are teaching her that glaring at you to get what she wants is ok...No no no no ...consistency is vital...She has to learn that dad doesn't love her any less because you are with him...he still loves her the same as he always did...and his love for her is different than his love for you...right now she is comparing his love for her to his love for you and cannot see that the context of the relationship is different...meaning she is putting herself on your plane to compare the situation and trying to figure it out from a 5 yr old perspective...you re not her sibling..you carry much more authority in the family structure...you are not her equal...but if you let this sweet little girl run you over...you will never regain your seat of authority from her once she gets her hands on it and experiences it...It was not made for her to sit in...that is your job....that is where the confusion comes in..You DH needs to lovingly teach her this so it is not a constant struggle in your family forever...This is where a lot of animosity jealousy and strife come in...the child thinks she can sit in the vacant seat next to her father...it was never intended for the children to reside there...That seat is assigned to his life partner...Clearity early in the game no matter how you need to deliver the message hopeful lovingly since she is only five....once they taste the power of being in that position even if it is only for a short while.. they will fight you to the end to relinquish it back to it's rightful owner....

The other thing to bear in mind is that she is feeling bad that her mom is no longer part of this family unit...She has to know it is not because of you (I hope) Your dh really needs to have that talk with her so she can grieve the loss of her family structure as it once was..then she can embrace the change that has been made...Communicating on a five year old level is really important right now. finding out what is in her head what she is thinking the lies she is believing, the conclusions she is coming to at her age....right now is your best chance to steer her in the right direction and it is worth the time to help her come out of this experience as a healthy adult someday....Most of the issues on this site with adult step kids is because we did not have the advice on how to handle children from a divorce situation as well as coping with the issues early on...now they are adults and well, hindsight is 20/20.

It may have seemed like no big deal at the time to give in...but trust me, this issue is worth sucking up a little discomfort because her feathers are ruffled right now...as she grows up she will acclimate to being satisfied with her role as daughter...you really do not want to be dealing with a mini wife...which is what you are grooming when you give in....

Maybe you can find a book she can relate to that displays the "roles" of each family member...you have to teach her this with intention...with a broken first family, things get skewed and the fractures that incur create a lot of confusion with identity and position...You need to make it easy for her to understand where she fits in, and who she is, as well as what role she plays in your family culture....

I know 40 year olds who still fight their step moms in this arena because it was not made clear in the beginning....Live, learn, and live some more....