O/T- I'm trying so hard not to be that BM UPDATED!
I am really trying not to be that BM- you know,the one who complains or sticks her nose in her ex's businesses. We deal with so much crap from BM that I don't want to ever be like her. I have stayed mostly silent in the years that my ex and I have been divorced. But, I am starting to wonder if I need to change things. Currently, we have 50/50 custody. He gets one week and then I get one week. It has worked very well. The two of us communicate and get along well. We aren't friends but we are civil.
I started dating DH after our divorce. We had known each other for years and he moved in with me rather quickly. My ex got very upset. His exact words, "Don't think you are going to have different men moving in and out of your house. I don't want that around out kids." He was sure that DH and I would not last or turn into a long term thing. Obviously, he was wrong and we have lasted. The problem is that my ex has dated several women over the last few years. And he has introduced 3 of them to my kids in the last 21 months. His first girlfriend moved in with him and my kids within a few months of them meeting. She had two kids of her own who also moved in. The problem was she had one child who was extremely violent and even spent time in a mental hospital. She was bullying my son. I casually mentioned to my ex that our son was afraid of this child and he said he knew and that he would deal with it. So he broke up with her. The problem was that she threw a fit and cussed him out in front of our kids. It was a messy break up and she caused a lot of drama. My kids witnessed it.
Then he started dating the second one. She was much younger- in her early twenties. He is in his mid-thirties. This one was really nice to my kids, but wanted to play mommy. I never said anything about it to my ex. She never officially moved in but she stayed the night there all the time. She posted pics of my kids on her FB and called them her kids. This was after knowing my ex less than 3 months. Apparently, they got into a fight on the phone one day when my kids were with him. She came over to his house and got my DS10 to answer the door. She stormed in and assaulted my ex in front of the kids. She hit him and pushed him down. My ex has a disability so she was able to overpower him.
Now, we come to the current girlfriend. Apparently, ex has known her a long time. They lost touch for years and just found out that she lives in the same city. They have been dating less than 2 months. Two weeks ago, he told my DS10 that it was too soon for them to meet and he wanted to take things slow. Well my kids were back at his house this week. Not only did he introduce them to her, but she is now living with them.
My DS10 is not happy about this. There is more going on with exH than just this. He is very hard on our DS10. I didn't know how bad it was until a few days ago when my son broke down and told me. Our DS10 doesn't want to live with his dad anymore. He just wants short visits- maybe on the weekends. I really don't want to encourage him not to see his dad. I really don't want to get involved with the situation, but I am starting to wonder if I have a choice. What do you ladies think? Should I talk to exH? Should I start getting ready to ask for a custody change? I really don't want to rock the boat or alienate my kids. I am just lost on what to do.
Update: The being to hard on him involves him name calling our son. He calls him stupid and tells him that Bs aren't good enough. For the most part, I tell my son to ignore it. Bit him calling my son a dick was over the line. My ex admitted it and see nothing wrong with it. He apparently cusses at him alot. I didn't know about this until recently but my ex confirmed it.
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Your ex has obviously made
Your ex has obviously made some good (you) and not so good (them) choices. Unless this woman has done something to make you worry, I would let it go.
As for being hard on your son, sometimes that isn't a bad thing. He might just be trying to "make a man out of him." Pushing a kid to do better and be better is a good thing. I would keep the visitation the same unless you hear about some major dysfunction going on.
I need to know what you mean
I need to know what you mean by "very hard". Too many chores, expectations about grades or limited hours on his xbox?
Nothing you say will help
Nothing you say will help change that household and who your Ex lets in it. I think if you put yourself in it it will just give them another outlet to blame their problems on. There's been countless times on here where the new girlfriend/SM blames the BM for the Dad's terrible choices and parenting just because the BM likes to make her presence known in his house. Tell your kid he needs to learn how to deal with people and situations that are hard because life is hard and there will always be someone making it harder. You are there for him and you will listen to whatever he wants to talk to you about but you can't change his dad's house or keep him from his dad.
I'm not easy on him. All the
I'm not easy on him. All the kids have chores and have to get good grades. I demand respect be given to adults, but I don't agree with calling him names.
It is never good to be
It is never good to be telling anyone they are stupid, that is damaging.
Keep resisting the urge to
Keep resisting the urge to jump in on this issue.
Sympathize with your kiddo, and encourage him to bring his issues up directly with his dad. If he's not willing (my 11 year old is not willing), you could bring on a therapist to help him, but nothing good will be gained from you trying to talk to Dad about life at his house.
I have been thru this. There
I have been thru this. There are a few ladies here that know me in person, and they have witnessed this. I am not sure I can give you exact things to help or solve it because my son's age is different and he is sort of the type kid that has always been sort of "adultish", so he was not HURT by his dad doing this, but instead was mainly annoyed and just tired from it.
I worried like you in thinking crap I need to go back to court and modify the time spent there! (we also had 50/50). I knew though if I did, that Ex would take it out on my son and cause a huge fuss and drama, and my son HATES fussing and drama---especially if it is "over him."
Well, I knew my son was technically "safe" (I cannot tell if yours is because it does appear to include some domestic violence) so I really just sort of waited it out. I did spend a lot of time talking to son about relationships and what he should look for in one, what he was seeing that was not healthy there, what sort of partner is a good partner or how to be a good husband for when he is an adult. That was probably wrong of me or some sort of PAS, but I felt it was the right thing to do.
Little by little my son would find excuses to just stay away from there. He would ask his dad is it ok not to come. (by this time he was 13). Yes, I know that I should not be encouraging that, but when there is a new woman there every couple of weeks with all sorts of craziness, I did not care!
Believe it or not, his dad would allow my son to just stay with me more and more. He never even put up a fuss. Now my son is almost 16. He only stays with his dad 1 time per week (and yes technically our court order still states 50 / 50. Neither of us pay or receive child support. Yes I know the ex is technically getting by with paying almost nothing as I provide all clothes and food and fees everything, but to be honest it is a small price to pay for piece of mind.)
So yeah, I did become THAT BM. And no, I did not continue "fostering a father son relationship" with them. And yes, my son was allowed to make the decision of who to stay with at the age of 13 which some will say he should not get to dictate visitation, but I really don't care. I tried to make it work for about 6 years until enough was enough.
I guess if I were you and it looks like it won't take care of itself, I would probably either see if he will agree to a different plan amicably or take him to court.
ETA the last straw was when DS was 13, and one girlfriend got a DUI and Possession charge. DS had already been complaining about her crazy driving and having to ride with her, and now I suspect we know WHY she was driving crazy.
Ex got rid of DUI lady, but keep in mind he simply recycled the engagement ring and gave it to a DIFFERENT lady 3 months later. They are now married. Yeah, those are just 2 of his ladies. There were many many others
Before taking legal steps,
Before taking legal steps, perhaps a meeting or two with a therapist or counsellor for you and your son (separate and together) would help. There are strategies, specific and general, that your son can learn to help manage all of this.
He can learn what is 'normal' and what is not. (Dysfunction often breeds dysfunction.)
He can learn to accept the good parts of what his dad offers him.
He can learn what is safe and what is not.
He can learn what to do in an unsafe situation.
Your problem is that you
Your problem is that you don't like your ex. The OP has an ex intimidating her son and diminishing his sense of self-worth. It's great that you could help your children as you saw fit, but it's apples and oranges.
A counsellor can help with strategies. Of course, general strategies can be found in readily available self-help books, but a counsellor should be able to give specific advice. And also teach the OP how to support DS in countering what he experiences with his dad.
downsouth, not everyone has
downsouth, not everyone has that inborn personality. I grew up with a parent like that, and I believed every word. So much so that I have serious self-esteem issues that affect my health, my feelings around food and my body, my ability to develop friendships, and OMG was having a child of my own fraught with incredibly deep anxiety. I left my parents behind when I was 17, and I'm 43 now.
My DH would be exactly like you. He would just make the things that made him unhappy, unimportant, totally spontaneously and naturally, because that's in his personality.
Context is everything.
Context is everything. Calling him stupid could be in an attempt to be funny. Calling him a dick could be an attempt to call out asshatery behavior. Now you know your ex and your son so you should have some more insight than I as to their character and what is likely.
Personally if your son was acting out then I would say that being called a dick is just your husband's communication style, maybe one you would not use but your son should have been behaving better.
As for being called stupid for getting b's that concerns me more (even if the kid normally gets straight a's). I would talk to your ex and ask that he use more supportive and encouraging language. Ask him straight out if he thinks his son is stupid. Remind him that his words can have a powerful affect on a young mind that looks up to him. Then maybe discuss ways to encourage or help your son to do better (if you both feel he should be getting a's).
I am not sure how a change of custody arrangements would go down in court if your ex does not agree. I would guess that these incidences alone would not be sufficient, but maybe a lawyer could give you a better assessment than my untrained guess.
If my husband ever called my
If my husband ever called my son a dick, he'd be out the door so fast he wouldn't know what hit him. How would you feel about the name calling if your relationship was intact? I think your son needs help getting out of this verbal and emotionally abusive situation. Right now he's learning how to parent his kids. Is this the type of dad you want him to be?
I would not jump right
I would not jump right now.... Deigma was very emotional age 10, more like a little girl with tears if you just raised your voice... it was simply a stage he went through.... everything you said to him was personal lol...
We do not live with your ExH - so we do not know the real story, you only hear your son's version... I'm not saying he's talking crap or being manipulative, it's how he feels and nothing wrong with it.
I choose to rather teach Deigma about conflict situations, how to deal with people who does this, and it helped...
I always said, fine they call you stupid are you? Deigma would say *sob* no *sob* then I smiled and said then why do you cry about it... they call you stupid cause they are to stupid to see a clever boy.... who's stupid now huh..
with teaching Deigma how to handle these situations came allot of problems as well lol... Deigma had enough confidence to stand up to my older brother... he's a true bully... and also called Deigma a dick, couple off times... Deigma said once sounding very bored... at least I have one.... that was the end off it, Bro never called Deigma any names again lol....
So I would simply teach BS how to handle the situations, him feeling a bit emotional - just a phase