I know it sounds sappy and a little like a Star Wars movie quote but it's how I feel.

Two days ago I just felt so beat down and I was just exhausted. BM and DH had a great talk that night and came to an agreement about the extra curricular activity conflict (long dramtic filled story I'm just not in the mood to rehash). DH then extended a "let's start over from here" to BM's boyfriend (who everybody is an uproar over because BM took him back for the upteenth time). Her restraining order against the boyfriend was vacated in the whole process and she just can't understand why everyone is so upset?!? I'm just so tired of DH trying to convince BM that this relationship is not only toxic to her but to ALL of her family - her children, her mom, her sister, even DH and I suffer. I'm just burnt out pointing out the obvious and I'm not going to let it upset me. Not only that BM and the boyfriend are going to counseling which I think will help matters. DH and I decided to just let it all go instead of harboring any resentment.

Anyways a couple weeks ago BM stated to DH that she "doesn't hate Colorado Girl anymore". I'm not sure if this is an accurate statement but at least she has taken responsiblitiy for her feelings. She's bipolar and has Borderline Personality Disorder so that is a big step for her. I'm sure she still blames me for there being no reconciliation of her nuclear family but at least she's forgiven me for it. Progress, I think. Her not hating me anymore, whether or not it was ever actually justified, was a HUGE step in the route to resolution.

It has taken me two weeks to process this internally and I came to this conclusion. I'm glad BM has forgiven me. I think I am quite guilty of a lot of the turmoil that has ever conspired between DH and her. Who gives a shit if she has the Dr.'s office bill DH instead of paying the copay? Does WWIII need to take place over a $25 bill? Or the clash of the titans because BM lost a shirt that I had bought for SD10 or SD5 ruined a brand new pair of tennis shoes? No, it doesn't. I need to back off and let them hash out their own crap and quit being so damned involved. I have faith in my husband and a promise from him that he will listen whenever I feel uncomfortable about something. (Like too many phone calls to DH for advice about her BF, that sort of thing)

So after all this internalizing and analyzing and talking with my counselor, I picked up the phone and made the call to BM. It began with a "I heard a rumor that you don't hate me anymore"... and I told her that all I want is to forge a truce, get over the past and just move forward. I promised never to stick my nose in where it didn't belong again and I apologized for all the times I had in the past. I also expressed to her that for the rest of our lives, I never want to discuss DH, parenting plans, child support, her boyfriend, her mom, or anything of the sort and she promised to never suck me in again and even admitted her fault in engaging in these conversations only to tell me later to mind my own business. She then proceeded to tell me that a lot of her anger and resentment came from just being so hurt. At one point she even stated that DH and I must love each other very much after what we ALL have been through. Thank you for that, BM.

I am so emotional today. I have such a sense of hope that it is almost overwhelming. I have been so angry for so long and I really am just broken. I concede. BM is who she is and when DH and BM's mom are done taking care of her because she can no longer use the girls as leverage, her daughters will have to take care of her. It's a fact that I accept and I'm willing to move past. I can't force her to change and just can't be upset about her unwillingness to do so. I found my peace and my place and I will do whatever it takes to maintain it. I love my family and I refuse to give up.

So like my blog title it's a new day and I have a new hope.....