New Year, new experiences - hope this helps
Greetings! I found this board over a year ago. My blogs tell the story, so often reflected in others here, of a guilty disney dad, with a demanding, agressive toxic ex and a mirror in the eldest. WEll, I am here to tell you that it CAN get better. It will take work, patience, writing it out here, support where you can find it, and some tears, but everything will turn out in one of two ways:
1. You stay with your person and the skids move away and things get better.
2. You decide to leave, and have a lovely life without the stress and turbulence, without any more tears and short-changing yourself at the benefit of others who do not appreciate you or what you have sacrificed.
Either way, it DOES get better, friends.
I havent been here in a while, and was missing the intelligence and insightful writings and comments. I cant begin to tell you how much it has helped me, and continues to help me, in so many ways. Ive learned from my mistakes, and mostly my relationship is awesome. No more arguing, no more stress. Well, job stress, and family stress, and money stress. But no longer do I have to deal with Winona SD 18-based stress.
Winona, now 18, once she graduated and was 18, she started summer classes, and then got a job at Dennys as a night-shift worker, in the 7-6 am slot, or something similar. We thankfully did not see her often if at all. And thankfully there is uber and lyft, so once she had money coming in, she ditched the buses. She still doesnt have a license or drive, but since she isnt living with us, it doesnt affect us either way.
Winona has cut her family out of her life completely. She will respond to a text "are you alive?" with "yes". Nothing to even her well-liked cousins. Over Christmas, we tried dodging all the questions of "Wheres Winona?" It got embarrassing, but she has chosen not to tell us where she is living/staying. And we do not press her. She hasnt even officially moved out. She just stopped being there with us. There was no big fight, or argument, nothing at all, she just cut us out. SO is a little sad. He made the comment of "I love her, she is my child, but its sad that I dont really like her much as a person." And this from a man that loves everyone. And is loved by everyone.
I am thrilled. I cleaned her room out. It had been 4 months. She popped in at 3 am when we had a christmas card photo shoot. Then dropped back out. We got a Merry Christmas, then she dropped back out. I am going to buy the house we are renting, together with SO. It was time. The room had been a storage locker for her cr!p, and the door remained shut. EAch of the two times she decided to pop in unannounced at 3/4 am, she left more junk in the room. She took nothing with her, and Im guessing she just bought more stuff, more clothing and makeup.
I conscripted Munchkin sd11 to help me. I promised her that she could keep whatever she wanted, as long as she helped me go through everything. She kept some clothes, and odd trinkets. But mostly the stuff was all papers, makeup (very used), gloppy nail polish, hair products and dirty yucky clothes.
6 trashbags full.of.trash.
1 electric bed base
1 mattress
1 empty bottle of whiskey
1 vibrator
2 lighters
1 curling iron
1 hair dryer.
Once the room was cleaned out, I emptied the two dressers. I sold one. There were another 6 bags of clothing, I was asked to keep those by SO. For some reason he feels guilty - both by not doing this himself, and by allowing me to do this thing, this massive excavation. This archeological dig of a teenagers most sacred site - Their Room.
I burned scented candles, moved my beautiful writing desk to the window, set up the new-to-me mac computer (they are really pretty!) that had been occupying the dining table. Bought a beautful large green palm. Bought another one. bought an orchid and some ferns. bought a large 50-gallon fish tank. Munchkin helped me "fish" out the fish from my outdoor fishpond to populate the new tank. It bubbles peacefully while I am typing on the computer, or watching Munchkin draw on her new sketchpad. Its a peace-filled, light-filed space.
We took off the door, to let more light in, the hallway is so dark. We drift in and out, to say hi to the fish, to do whatever. I will be adding office equipment, hopefully a printer and some kind of filing system. It is a little slice of heaven for me, and everyone agrees that the house feels "lighter" somehow. We also agree that Winona was aweful to each and every one of us. Munchkin shared the other day, that Winona was always talking badly about me, all the time (which I suspected, of course) and that she would say that I dont deserve to live. WEll, there you go. After I disengaged, my life improved immeasurably, and now, I have a much higher level of self esteem.
These situations with step kids can really wreck us, if we dont do something to stop it. And with a 50 percent divorce rate, this is happening SO much, much more than people will admit. I love watching "Daddys Home" and "Stepmother" because it gives people like me a voice. Gives our pain, words.
So, eventually it does get better, friends.
- CLove's blog
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Comments
So nice to hear you are doing
So nice to hear you are doing so much better. Although I am so glad that Winona moved out, just loved your stories about her. You always presented the Winona Chronicles with humour and wisdom. A much needed laugh at the absurdity of step life.
Looking forward to hearing more of the good, and the (not so) humorous bad.
Thank you Dovina! I really
Thank you Dovina! I really appreciate you saying that!
Life has its gyrations, and I still have Munchkin turning into a teenager to look forward to. And shes way smarter... LOL. So I will have to be smarter too. And I have learned so much! Ive looked at the mistakes I made with Winona (some passive-aggresive stuff Im not proud of), and am determined not to make the same ones with Munchkin. Ill make new ones, bigger ones maybe. Who knows?
Just Sunday, I had a situation. BST (Before Steptalk) I would have gone silent. Not said anything. Felt horrible. Complained later to SO, we would have argued. Munchkin would probably have cried. I would have a bad weekend. But, instead, I took the direct route. I asked for third time, and really emphasized that I needed her to do XYZ before dark, so I could check it over. She apologised and did XYZ. I checked it over, and asked her to complete xyz. She did. Everyone is happy, and no argument. We went to the craft store Michaels, and had a blast. She created two awesome drawings last night.
So, because I have made those mistakes, I have learned what does not work. Im still trying to figure out what DOES.
Good for you in taking back
Good for you in taking back some space. Amazing how that action of cleaning out her room, sort of cleans out your anger and pent up frustrations.
SDstb17 did the same to us. She always spent more of her time with BM in the summers but this past summer, she didn't come back to our house. DSO still has 100% and there is no CS.
I cleaned up her room but I'm not taking her things out of there yet. I did find a Tshirt I had bought from the Smoky Mtns a few years ago. I bought SD and I shirts in the same color, but mine was more expensive. I accidentally gave her my shirt but she said she loved it so much that I didn't take it back. Found it on the floor of her closet. I know she wore it the day after I gave it to her but she never touched it again. Guess it was just a big ole F U to me that she wanted it but whatever, I got it back now.
The incident that started it was that she refused to go to a teeth cleaning bc BM wouldn't take her back to her friends house, didn't cancel appt, caused a big mess. Then SD stopped responding to my texts to her. AFter 6 months of her ignoring me, I don't see her coming back and eventually her stuff will be bagged up go to her or to some high school kids that could use the clothes.
Thanks Bearcub! Yes, it was
Thanks Bearcub!
Yes, it was quite the endeavor. It took a very long time, and Munchkin and I both talked about how gross and slimy we felt while doing this. Toxic sludge isnt welcome anymore in our home.
Im sorry you had to deal with that skid. Very ungrateful. Hopefully she will grow up. And realise what she lost. At this point, Winona and I are civil. But I know to keep the distance.
Im so sorry SRO. You are in
Im so sorry SRO. You are in so much pain. You are living the hell that I lived. Every situation is different, however and I don't make any promises. I don't give false hope, I am not deceiving anyone. I stayed, and toughed it out, I learned, and read and wrote my stories out, and received much feedback. I did the work - not for the benefit of them, but for me. Winona is living her life. She feels that I don't deserve to live. There was a time when I would cry about that. Now, although it stings, I move on. I don't over-think it.
I truly believe that there is hope, in everything, while we have breath in our bodies. I disengaged completely from the elder sd18, back when she was 17. It worked, and SO was on my side and backed me up. I feel, for better or worse, that if it DOESNT get better somehow and some way, that that person may not be for you. I'm not saying that there is hope the Skids and our relationships will get better. Em saying that if we do the work involved, make the choice to choose ourselves first, that WE will have better lives.
By patience, I mean not giving in to our anger, and taking the steps to communicate, stand up for ourselves, develop our self so that our self-esteem is not brought down by these people. I am communicating my successes, and my previous posts communicate my failures. There is a pretty equal measure of both these days. Its not perfect, but things have been on the uptick since Winona moved out. And her one of her aunts came forward to tell me things about her too. How she always makes people feel judged and wrong. Her bad attitude, and rudeness.
I used to be so depressed about my home life, so stressed. When they age out, that is the crucial time to "launch them". Choices must be made, limits placed. I felt like our hands were tied when she was 18 but hadn't graduated. And then she graduated. I waited patiently, until she got her job and then it happened. Sometimes I wanted to scream. But I kept my screams silent and typed them out instead.
It wasn't easy, but I stayed. Some folks here, they decided to leave. To me, it boils down to these two choices, but it isn't always that simple.
I don't think you're being
I don't think you're being fair at all. A LOT of us have stepkids that no longer come around.
Here's the thing. If you have a disordered or POS SKid- more then likely as they grow older they will stop coming around if they can't manipulate/extort and get away w/it as when they were younger. A lot of dads wait till that magical 18 to wash their hands if the kids have mental issues or are like the crazy exe's.
Once adults they can't get away w/what they did as minors and dad/smom are more likely to not put up w/nonsense
In our case we see SD less now since he has custody then before when he was EOW. Why? Well, 1st- SD went to live w/MIL only 2-3 months after moving in fulltime w/us. She refused-and was then 15 yrs old to follow ANY rules at all. We didn't have the room. She then went on to live exactly how she always wanted to-free of rules/consequences and lives as a feral kid. Did/does whatever/whenever she likes. She was coming over more often a while ago to visit her dad-but she was always asking for $ or coming over and bringing her bf w/her to eat.
We hit hard financial times- I told her her bf -who was almost 20 he needed to go home to eat and not at our place or mil's all the time. Guess that was offensive (GOOD, it SHOULD BE). She hasn't been around but once since-day after Christmas...and then one other time for like 5 mins.
So, if dh isn't doling out $ or food, she has no interest in seeing him or showing up. So we barely see her. Of course her bf shacks up w/her in MIL's basement and they seem perfectly ok having a 17yr old play house w/her 20yr old boyfriend- WHILE eating off/living off MIL
MIL should be used to it since her own 45 year old son is doing the same thing
Things do get better. I
Things do get better. I finally took the advice here and separated bank accounts and I no longer pay for anything skid related. I did buy Christmas gifts for them though.
Now that they are in high school they don't come over anymore. We don't tell them when we have fun things planned because then they will only come around when they can get something out of it.
Thank you FPS - its tough,
Thank you FPS - its tough, but I am glad that things are cleaned up. It was a dark cloud hanging over our head. GAthering more clouds. SO clearly didnt want to do it. Hes done major cleanups many many times before, and its always grossing him out. ANd he didnt want to be told "no I will not clean up, thats YOUR daughter". So I took that bull by its horns and rode the wild ride.
I am happy to hear of your
I am happy to hear of your positive outcome. It may have been less dramatic for me for several reasons. 1. My amazing bride and I have been on the same page (certainly not the same line but at least the same page) for the duration of our blended family marriage. 2. I practice zero tolerance for inappropriate behaviors from the blended family opposition and the Skid. 3. I entered the mix when SS was 15mos old when his mom and I started dating. We married the week before he turned 2yo. 4. I was the first person he called Daddy and have been his dad nearly his whole life.
That foundation allowed me to focus on addressing deviations from appropriate behavior and to held my bride stay focused on enforcing the CO and protecting the best interests of the Skid and our family.
It is amazing how not giving a crap about feelings frees one to focus on facts and solutions rather than the blended family drama. The SpermClan had only once choice... do what they were told when they were told or suffer the consequences. It mattered not to me whether they chose to take it to court of not. They knew they were going to lose either way. It took a few smacks about the head and shoulders with a rolled up copy of the CO (figuratively of course) for them to gain clarity but after that they learned that they would be held accountable for complying with the terms and conditions of the CO.
Zero tolerance also extended to the Skid's choice of behaviors. His mom and I raised him with rules, boundaries, behavioral standards and performance standards. It worked well for the three of us. He is now 25 (he asked me to adopt him when he was 22 which we made happen) and has been in the USAF for nearly 7 years. Of course his feelings were part of that process and I cared... but.... caring about his feelings and tolerating BS are two very different things. One I do very much the other I didnt tolerate.
Congratulations on being in a good place.
Hi Rags - yes, I recall you
Hi Rags - yes, I recall you and your situation! The adoption, the very supportive spouse. Thanks for the shout out.
I really always enjoyed your positive and rational feedback - organized, intelligent and witty with a dash of humor.
I have learned so much. Through patience with my sweety, he has finally come to the place where he recognizes and acknowledges that what happened with Winona was dark and crazy and awful. He feels guilty that she acted the way she acted, but he also realizes that she is sick, like her mother is sick. Toxic like her mother is toxic. He no longer blames me, or finds me at fault. He sees my relationship with Munchkin, and being the simple man he is, appreciates all that I do. That is all I really wanted - being the simple person I am.
A bunch has happened to get us from there to here. I am really liking the "here".
What a magical, bittersweet,
What a magical, bittersweet, and feel-good update. Your new space sounds dreamy and bright, CLove.
CLove - what the hell are we
CLove - what the hell are we going to do now that our brats left the house...... I think we will be very bored
You still have one to go , and when Munschkin told you things about her sister, you should've shut her down and say, No Hon we will not speak bad about any one, we do not talk about people if they are not there... it's gossip.....
In Aergia's room is one cupboard filled with shit, but I left that alone, stuffed animals and childhood toys, the day we have to move out will be the day SO can deal with that....
I laughed yesterday when one of the office ladies asked SO, what's your daughter doing in the city, he answered,
Well we are waiting for Uni answer if she got in or not, if not, she will have to find a job cause I'm only paying 3 months, if she gets into Uni, good but I know she will get pregnant before year end and drop out again, then I pay nothing...
I was like :jawdrop: the poor lady went :jawdrop: , SO was dead serious, he has no hope for his brat.... he said to me, she's hunting men and behaving like her mother, she wants to get pregnant, rich older guy, hopefully the guy will not be married like the other times she tried to catch a rich sugar daddy
Acra - I have been focusing
Acra - I have been focusing more on ME! And buying a house... and munchkin. She is very needy of attention, at this age, and we are having a blast (in general). I am reading up on kids in the age group - and she is running true to form. Testing boundaries, her friends are super important, she is exploring her individuality, and of course testing my authority.
Yes you are totally right on there. We need to not speak ill of sissy, unless something comes up that is important. Should I use her as example though? Like, hey lets learn from this? Or is that also considered gossipy?
When going through things, I asked Munchkin, and gave her nostalgic items. I have special boxes for photos and journals (unread), and the 6 bags of clothes are stashed in the closet (yard sale!)
LOL! Your SO said that!!!! His eyes are open WIDE. Thats too funny!!!! Gold digging made easy. Go to school to get your MRS Degree. Or work in a clothing shop.
WEll, SO, when people ask about Winona, he just sais simply "she is choosing to live her life the way she wants to, without input from anyone". Inside I know he is worried, but understands that if he pries, he wont like what he sees so he would rather not know, but keep things open, in case of emergency.
yo , I have no clue how you
yo , I have no clue how you are going to ensure Munchkin turns into her sister.... Maybe have a long long chat once off,
How did her sister's behavior made her feel, tell her how you felt and how you feel now, explain that not 2 people are the same and sometimes people just don't get along, in families and strangers, explain that your opinion can never be wrong, it's your opinion and who you are, but there's a huge difference between stating your opinion and being disrespectful to people, teach her to respect every one, even the beggar on the corner, and that she never should burn bridges, one never knows when you might need that person...... screaming and shouting is out, if you are angry, walk away, cool down and then come back discussing it, take responsibility for your actions and never speak ill of any one (bad mouthing)
There's nothing wrong with saying... Annie made me so angry today cause she's a brat - it's your opinion and it's the way you feel...but you have to learn how to deal with things and put it behind you, life's too short to hold on to the past.
Even if Munchkin turns into her sister, as long as there's respect I don't think you would have a problem...
Luckily Munchkin has her
Luckily Munchkin has her fathers personality. She appreciates cleanliness and order, enjoys harmony and laughter. Winona was happy in filth. So thats hopeful. And Munchkin is more emotionally intelligent than her sister OR her mother. Plus she loves me. (Huge difference!)
I do mention that Her sister speaking badly about me, how it really hurt my feelings. I explained that you need to try to understand people before judging their actions, and give people the benefit of the doubt. I try to encourage her to let me know how she is feeling. And she uses words, and talks, and even when we are upset with each other, we always communicate. So it is MUCH different, like night and day.
It CAN get better. I'm glad
It CAN get better.
I'm glad that it did for you!
Happy for you, CLove!!
Happy for you, CLove!!
Step right off, where is this
Step right off, where is this adult stepchildren forum you speak of that’s what I need with 2 mini wives 18 and 21 with no intentions of ever moving out and SO never going to make them! Even though it is always stressful and shit at that house everyday except the days they aren’t there
Click the "forums" tab in the
Click the "forums" tab in the menu, and scroll down about 1/4 of the way, under Parenting.