Happy Valentines and Cleaning Caper UPdate II
Happy Valentines Day to all, as I sit here in the California Sunshine, having taken the day off and my dog is sitting not at my feet but ON my feet. I love it. The cat is at the window surveying her extensive neighborhood territory, also warming herself. Its quiet.
So Im taking this small space of peace and tranquility to reflect on the advice and comments given, appreciating them all.
Firstly, thank you I appreciate you.
Now for the update, as small as it is, is an incremental and fundamental shift, I hope, in the right direction, at least for me.
This past weekend, as I had big plans for cleaning and clearing and involving SD16.5 Power Sulk, fell a bit flat. It is still unfinished, she helped a smidgeon, her room is still a filthy pigsty and linens have a few more days of living in them tacked on. Monday was an off day and SD PS went off with her friends forgetting her backpack in the process (or just leaving it behind because daddio will drop it off for her no matter what, or she will have another day off) She stayed with Toxic Troll which was a nice monday. I was tired and didnt really care about the lazyness, and filthy room.
Today - a new day. Woke refreshed and optimistic. Called in. Taking the day off!!! Husband has taken the day off for a dental appointment, and forgot about it when he got the call about the all mighty backpack. He got the reminder when SD PS called, with Toxic Troll on speaker, and welp guess who is making the 45 minute special roundtrip to drop off backpack? LOL. YEP. Found this out over breakie at the local waffle house. She could have taken another absence and spent day without backpack, but there is still the whole situation of getting back pack to kid.
So, as Husband is kissing me goodbye to shuttle backpack, he grumbles about having to go into room to retrieve it. "still not cleaned eh?" I ask wryly. After weekend of discussing it and her day off. He grumbles "Im going BAG that chit up!!!"
Yeah right. THIS is what is frustrating to me. I know I need to be mad at HUSBAND. And I AM.
NO expectations. NO chores. NO repercussions. The result? She gets rewarded with new phone. New phone should have happened with As and Bs no Cs. Want to go off with your friends? Ok, is your room clean??? Laundry done???
I KNOW its up to HIM, not me. I am NOT going to ruin a beautiful sunny day off with this conflict. Folks life is short. It doesnt get longer.
Ergo, Im going for a nice little hike, a visit with Mom and Dad and leave him to fester and figure things out for himself.
I just really do not enjoy living with her like this. I know its HIS fault. HE is to blame. Its the same ole chit. Failed parenting and I resent kid. I am working on disentangling and redirecting those feelings.
Thanks all.Enjoy your day. Ill be thinking of you, each one and your stories and humor and advice and personal struggles.
- CLove's blog
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Comments
Frustrating!
How frustrating! I remember going through that with all 3 of my SD's when they were teens.
SD19 is still living with BM. No job. No drivers license. No chores. She got her driver's permit twice for 6 months each time, and never practiced driving. She claimed she was scared - but seemed to do fine the couple of times we forced her to go out practicing with us. Then she asked for a live-in conversion van and was finding them online and pointing them out to her dad, pressuring him to buy her a van. I talked with him and said " Why are we buying her a car when she can't even drive? She won't get her license unless we hold this up as the carrot. So he said "No car until you get your license." To this date.....still no mention of license or practicing driving. She relies on her mom or her sisters to ferry her around to buy craft supplies and video games and food. DH is disgusted with her attitude but has washed his hands of her since she is old enough to do what she wants.
I told him. "She will NEVER move back in with us. Understand?" He said yes. He knows that when he has another medical emergency, that his kids will not even answer the phone, let alone visit him in the hospital. I am the one that is there for him, so he finally realized he ought to listen to me.
Sd23
no license that Ive heard about...but it doesnt affect me now...but who knows as long as Im married into this it will always just be there in the background...
consequences
Is there a rule that a student can't attend without a backpack? If not, she should have gone to school and dealt with the consequences of not having whatever was in the backpack. Dealing with the consequences would have been a much needed lesson.
consequences to actions
Not as long as daddio is there and available to shuttle backpack to kid. Its been that way the whole time, because poor poopsie has had such a HARD life dealing with feral forger and toxic troll, so now she can CRUISE life with everyone being sympathetic and resuing and doing and helping and no work on her part of anything.
Yes, Im jealous. Who would not want that kind of help from everyone. I would love to time travel back to those easy times where no responsibilities and just cruising through life (except I had a weekend job...)
Dont get me wrong, I was super sympathetic a few years ago. Im not as sympathetic because shes older now, and has more options and should have more expectations.
Forgetting your backpack is 10-11-12.
Innocently say "I smell
Innocently say "I smell something odd" for a couple days then I'd start lining the floor in front of her door w/ air freshioners, respecting her "privacy" of course. .
Haha the only thing that
Haha the only thing that accomplishes is a non verbal dig at Pouty which go for it if that's what you're after. But it's a bit like spraying a toilet with air freshioner after a dump. The air just smells like cherry blossom plus crap. If her room is reeking, the reek still permeates through.
Im not good at hinting
Im too direct for that. And then Husband feels the "need" to protect poopsie from my "pointed zingers", and capers around as she power sulks.
Clove
Happy Galentines Day hun
Yea it never ends, training the mind to let go is smart, but no easy task.
Keep being kind to yourself.
Interesting you wrote as long as you are married into this, it will always be in the background. Thats a good step into your mindset. The rest will come to you as life continues.
Blessings for peace hun
Training
Yes.
Lately Ive been imagining a world, where SD Power Sulk and Toxic Troll werent in my life at all! For example, when husband was on the phone with Skid, she had him on speaker phone. And that brought Toxic Troll in on the conversation. Just not something I continue to want in my life, but as long as little miss learned helplessness poopsie is doing what she does, somehow Toxic Troll will be in there.
Forget about the messy room - I am already imagining its now storage, as well as guest bed, or a new roommate to help with mortgage.
Hey, Clove,
Hey, Clove,
You could always buy a sofabed for the man cave and have your husband's BFF move in; he spends pretty much the same amount of time at Chez Clove as you, right?
LOL
Id rather have him in Power Sulks room. Charge him $800 inlcuding utilities, and he drives and can housesit and is trust worthy.
I just looked up home share prices in my area. Pretty high up there!
Yep, my DH was exactly like
Yep, my DH was exactly like this but they grew up, went to college, moved out so not my problem. YSD better not ask to move back in after college graduation. I already told DH no. If she can't make it on her own then she can live with HCBM who she and her sister have loyalties to. Not sure what I would do if they failed to launch. Probably take it as a dealbreaker ...
Countdown
Although I know it doesnt mean that "ping" things will change, but I am desperately clinging to the small shreds of advancement.