1. No. You'll never manage this one because you'e not a vindictive enough person.Besides, didn't you say you felt better since you disengaged?
    
2. This one is pretty feasible. Do you think you could keep away from them for long enough?
    
3. This is another feasible one. OTOH, if you divorce, DO NOT STAY IN THE EXTRA ROOM. MAke a clean break of it. Do you reallt think things will get better? OR will he continue on his merry way of beer and barnacle? How connected do you feel to him? Do you think he understands that a wife can also be a great friend? Is he worth investing any more of your time and energy on this relationship?
    
4. This won't work. You'll just start a thunderstorm and feel awful afterwards. He won't accept you telling him and her what to do. I doubt he takes orders gladly. Besides, this is his daughter, not yours. 

The one that feels right to me is a flat out meeting with your husband.
On the meeting agenda: a. The phone recording, the anger your harboring, the feelings in your marriage and the repercussions to your marriage for not sticking up for you followed by a return to regular visitation, a promise of no moving in full-time, and a discussion in basic respect if she is continuing to visit in the home.

Then, depending on how well that goes, I would likely  move onto option 3 if your DH continues to ignore your wishes.

But... that's not important... what's important is wish one feels right to YOU? At the end of the day, you're the one who has to live with the choice you make so take my advice and everyone else's with a grain of salt. You'll know in your heart which decision(s)/option(s) you can live with and which ones you can't. Sending hugs.

As a condition of her spending extra time here, he commits to marriage counselling of no less than x months.  And commits to continuing to parent her as he is now (with expectations of hygiene, chores, manners).  If she's going to be gone in 9 months, I would personally try to stick out the 9 months while working on the marriage.  Then, if she's gone, and it's still miserable you'll know you saw it in every conceivable circumstance (with her there, with her gone, without counselling, with counselling). And it might be the red falg that he needs to truly realize that you're on your way out if he doesn't actually put effort into the marriage.

I was ready to go, so I had nothing to lose in implementing a combination of #1 and what AlmostGone said. I had an epic shit-fit (not yelling or screaming, because I don't do that) and TOLD DH how it's going to be from now on. I declared myself Queen Shit of Turd Island, told him how he does not have my back, allowed me to be shunned by SD for years, the mini-wife obsession bullshit and the feral chore-lacking lazy adult babies, especially SD who didn't do so much as empty her own over-flowing period-paddy garbage cans in the main bathroom. I don't know any other way of putting it, except that I TOLD DH. And I mean TOLD him how it's going to be from now on. I used strong wording like, "before the sun sets today," "had damn well better" and probably other things that aren't the healthiest, but I had nothing to lose. I was going to get what I required. I called DH out on his "slumps" where he'd withdraw and not talk about anything. I'd get only curt one-word answers. That would end "before the sun sets today," and it's "a hill I'm willing to die on." I reminded DH that he needs to remember which one of us he's f*cking and that I require a promotion to the wife position pronto and for a daughter to be relegated back to daughter position. 

Honestly, you won't get the changes you need and want until you're more afraid of continuing to live the way you are than divorcing. I think my DH knew that I no longer had anything to lose.

Thanks to this site I was able to call DH out on his "slumps" that were meant to whip me back into shape and to require that he communicate in a healthy way. I will "no longer tolerate" his slumps serving as impled threats that he'll leave me to scare me into bucking up and complying like a Stepford wife. So, don't be afraid to call out your DH on his comments about leaving. Let him know that you require that he no longer use that in his arsenal as it is unhealthy and you require being communicated with like an adult. 

Given that divorce is an option for you and you're no longer afraid to go that route, you have nothing to lose if you go all Boudica on your DH and PS via DH. 

#2 for now.  Things can change over time.  If she continues being on good behavior, her presence might be more acceptable.  One caveat: Don't count on age 18 to bring a magical transformation.  As you know, we are still dealing with SD61 and she's moved in and out of here a number of times.

This is his daughter.  He won't abandon her.

My thought is that you have to realize that your husband is not (quoting Rags) "equity life partner" material. He has never treated you as an equal adult in the home when making choices about his kids. And he has poor boundaries and a "half-ass hero" complex. Meaning he has a compulsion to be a hero but only if it's somewhat easy for him and it makes him feel good. All these things make for a very chaotic home life, making him not a person who is conducive to a happy married life.

And you - what you want is to be a full member of the family, of the household. TBH, i think most women do, which is why being a stepmom is so hard in all but unicorn situations. We define ourselves by our household, family, and relationships. I think that unless you manage your expectations of your husband and find fulfillment elsewhere, like career, hobbies, or friends, you will be unhappy with your DH no matter what kid is living with you. I don't know if i would be able to do that. It's too hardwired in me that my home is my place of refuge and my main role is as mother and significant other. Your DH will continue to find his fulfillment in drinking with BB and fishing, with little snippets of "heroeing." It's how he's wired. 

Either 2 or 3 would be my vote.  I'm leaning more towards 3 with some changes.  Buy him out and they both have to go, or he buys you out and you start over somewhere away from them.  I would not just take over the spare room. Let them rot in their toxic dysfunctional cesspool by themselves.  He wants to play hero?  Ha!  Let him.  Without you.  They'll turn on each other soon enough and then PS will go running back to Mommy Troll and your husband can sit and marinate in the toxic mess alone.  Not your problem.  She'll repeat the cycle over the years.  That's the problem with number 2.  She will continue to try and drag you into the dysfunction if you're there.  You'll never have peace living with them.  The fact that he unilaterally decided that she would stay with you two longer than her visitation schedule without even discussing it with you tells me all I need to know.  That's what narcs do.  They continually pit people against each other.  

CLove, you are not the demon in this. So...

1. Is a no IMHO.  Do not accept the crap they have tried to slap on you for years. It is bullshit, do not tolerate it. Call them on it over and over and over again.

2. Is also a no IMHO. It gives them exactly what they want and  you are the one who has to accomodate their crap.  If anything, when you are in YOUR home, they are not. If you go with 2. Adjust it to 2.5 and make them leave when you are home.

3. A definate option. IMHO. But... is it what you really want?  If it is, then do it, no quarter, no care about anyone elses fee fees, protect your well being, protect every Cent of assets that are or should be yours being very liberal in collecting profuse amounts of punitive damages for the crap that DH has put you through and has allowed his failed family baggage and idiot friends to put you through.  Instead of storing his cars, sell them and keep the money, etc...... But... only if ending it is what you really want.

4.  This one makes the most sense to me and gives you the most options. You can always go with Option 3 if DH shoves his head up his ass and fails to deliver on the non negotiables associated with option 4.  And it is all non negotiable.  Either 9mos of absolute compliance with only the COd visitation schedule and not one second more, not one call more, not one fixing TT's POS car, flat tires, etc... and not one response to a tear filled PSCPS call that mommy and POS sister hurt my fee fees.  She is 9mos from official adulthood according to the CO and it is far past time that daddy.... and you..... took a no tolerance stance on her manipulation.  As for a key, nope. She gets no key. Daddy has to be there to let her in, or she can sit her appy ass on the front step.  No more accomodating her crap or the oozing puss of DH's baggage.  At 9mos and one milisecond, all accomodation of any crap at all ends. From this second forward, DH asks and discusses. He does nothing that impacts you in any way without your express prior permission. Not one beer alone in the garage. Not one second of a barnacle growing on your home or life, not one accomodating anything for TT or FF, and only the absolute basics regarding anything to do with PSCPS.

Sorry to jump on a rant soap box, I am angry that you are having to make a list. All it would have taken to avoid any of this would have been for DH to grow  a pair of balls, know who he is married to, and  been a man instead of TT's, FF's, and PSCPS's beck and ball bitch.

Grrrrrr!

Take care of you dear lady.

2 and/or 3. Eff off to the spare room. Boot his arse or hit him out.

I don't believe he's capable of change. He wants things his way. Period. Dot. Things were great! As long as you didn't make waves.

You said he's threatened divorce many times. That's a total asshat move and not a surprise, given what he is. If you do #1, he'll probably sprint to the attorney's office to get the paperwork done.

Is he the man you thought he was when you married him? I think he was on his best behavior and is now showing his true colors.

You are a caring, thoughtful, generous, lovely lady. You deserve so much more. *give_rose*

If I were you I'd like to see number 1 but those expectations should have been set before ppowersulk landed over there indefinitely. It's never too late but it's an uphill battle to set standards as you go. at least your husband is having his spawn respect your rules of being independent/cooking cleaning for oneself n

number 2 is the next best thing because if they are narcissistic - there's one thing narcissistic people hate and that's being "ignored" so disengaging will deflate the sails so to speak. But since you live with these people that will be very challenging. 

Maybe number 4 if you're fed up (if you know it wont jeapordize your safety). Consult with a lawyer before you kick anyone out though.

number 3 if you feel like you'll be happier single or with someone else.