Burning the Candle, like her bridges...
WEll...the time has come and gone. This is a 1-week anniversary of Winona SD18 graduating (yaya) from high school. I had been told by SO, over and over again "just wait, things will be different when she graduates, things will be different!"
Nothing is different. Except Winona SD18 now has more time to lounge in her bedroom, sleeping, eating, making messes, watching videos...a whole 'lotta nuthin', in other words.
She still has NO job.
- 1 interview last week, 1 interview Friday (from an application filled out 6 months ago apparently, although she lies so much - and lies so much its hard to tell...)
She still has NO license.
- Her friend drives, though, so its almost the same thing, right? We still have that cute little white convertible BMW in the driveway waiting. Will probably sell it soon.
She still has no activities. Except sleeping. And eating. And leaving moldy food and dishes in her room.
She still acts immaturely and blows off everything we ask her to do. A few days ago, she asked if she can eat in her room, we said "sure as long as you do your dishes tonight instead of tomorrow". She said "ok". I wake her up that night asking her to do her dishes. She pretended to. I went in yesterday, and lo! They were there, with artichoke and mayonnaise plus some new stuff.
THEN I saw the candle. Yep. Still burning. She had gone to church and would not be back until after 9. She had been gone a while before we arrived home and it was a little bit before I found it. A candle burning could destroy everything we have worked for, everything. I was just so mad, I couldn't speak.
SO had a talk with her, when she got home, but did not want to include me, because then I would "get in trouble" for being in her room, without her there. "Frick that sh!t", I thought to myself.
Oh well, I guess that he gave her the message of "no candles in her room ever", so I have to be happy with that. Yet he thinks that I am coming on too strong with him abut her. I told him "hey, it did not just happen over night, this has been ongoing over almost 3 years! Building up like a pressure cooker. She is not my child, yet she has been ALLOWED to rake me over the coals with no repercussions for her actions."
Im to the point of just saying that she needs to move in with mother full time. But they don't want to deal with her either. Added to my SO's statement of "shes my flesh and blood, shes my family she will always be welcome in my home".
I will give it 2 more weeks, then I will approach SO and we will have to have the discussion of what is going to happen from here on out. He said that he was done with her when she accused him of abuse, but that whole loyalty makes him blind thing kicks in again soon after.
Im stuck. Without the finances I cant move out. If I do move out, our relationship is over. If I move out, and ask him to go with me, then do I have to make my home available to her, and if not, then would that make him a horrible father, if he moved to a place she was not welcome to live in.
I have been told by many that we should get a contract, for her to sign, stating rules and responsibilities. He would die of laughter at that one. Currently, she stays at 50/50 because she has no job and is not paying rent and basically we need alone time. What would be the repercussions if she breaks a rule? She doesn't drive, doesnt have a cell (texts using ipod) and doesn't have boyfriend, has just 1 friend she hangs out with hardly at all, doesn't go anywhere. Cant ground her or anything. What, make her do chores? She blows them off "I'll do it later..." Later meaning hours later, if at all. A contract would mean that SO would have to parent her. He is a provider not a parent at this time.
What can I do? I have 2 weeks to figure it out.
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Comments
I think I would deal with dh
I think I would deal with dh only. If he refuses to parent then he needs to suffer the consequences.
As for the candle, no room is off limit in my house if you are a danger to my health and safety. Mold and rotting food included. Also look into total disengagement. No preparing food for her, or buying it. DH could take over all of that 100%. Tell him you are done and mean it. There are a lot of good examples here. If she's not working then her time is spent a. Looking for work. Or b. In driving school, which is a minimal cost but gets the job done and the license test as well. Both my kids went through it at 16. Enroll her pronto.
Sounds like SD13. (looking
Sounds like SD13.
(looking with horror at my potential future...although SD13 is smart and has some ambition about school...but everything else not so much.)
I've told DH much the same things you likely did as well.
He continues to cover for her, to clean up her messes, etc.
I do not go into her room generally. I do go in if a cat is in there (to get cat out) or to do a safety/bug check. She'll leave the fan on (in the summer) when she leaves and her curling iron (she stopped that when she burned herself though) on, lights on, etc. I "hid" her xmas lights when she stashed them in her closet.
I absolutely confiscated some candles she won at some party. No way is an under-age kid who can't even turn off a light or a fan going to have LIVE FLAME in her room that can burn down a house. I told DH what I did and luckily he agreed - and then offered to get her some battery-operated candles which she didn't want anyway.
If I caught live flame in a kids room, or anyone's room, unsupervised I would be on a 100% no holds barred tirade. That can destroy a home and KILL SOMEONE. That door would be OFF. She wants privacy? Go rent somewhere.
When I was a teen, I put a
When I was a teen, I put a lit candle on the top of my dresser. Didn't even think it need some kind of holder. I was in the room but not paying attention. I burned down and started burning the top of the dresser. Thankfully, I was right there and put the fire out with a can of soda. If I had not been, I probably would have burned my parents house down.
I never told them. And I don't allow SD to have candles in her room.
Summoning my inner (and outer
Summoning my inner (and outer sometimes) b!tch, always gets me in trouble with SO, and we argue and get into it - small things turn into big things and I am sick of her ruining my relationship.
SO thinks that he can move on without me just fine.
And then again, I am certain I can move on without him just fine.
This is our ONE THING we argue about, consistently for past 2 3/4 years (three in July). I have suggested that if he really is done done with her, like he said, that after the week is over she move in with madre.
Nothing changes.
I am so glad I did not meet
I am so glad I did not meet DH until SS had burnt his bridges with DH (and everyone else). SS31 spent 3 1/2 years in juvie for some undisclosed offense. Must have been bad as he was there until he aged out. This was after multiple rehabs (alcohol), boot camp, pysch hospital stays, etc.
He lived with DH after juvie for several years until DH had him evicted with police escort after he became violent one time too many. DH has always said that SS would never live in our home. BM and her DH have the same rule. Which has left SS homeless at times. But he ALWAYS finds someone to mooch off of.
"that would make him a horrible father, if he moved to a place she was not welcome to live " Bullsh*t. A worthless adult POS does not automatically get a place to live because of DNA. A parent or even a relative or friend will probably offer a place to live to a decent person who needs help. Worthless user/losers can go fend for themselves.
She has BM apartment, she has
She has BM apartment, she has 2 Aunties with space too, and cousins.
I have a feeling it is ego with him. He is dealing with the here and now, I have a lot of pent up anger, and all the bullsh!t she put everyone through.
She is finally being nicer to Munchkin. She has been pleasant enough lately, since her father doesn't have to struggle to get her up in the morning. She washed her weeks worth of dishes night before last and some dishes last night.
Little enough to make up for all the past transgressions. And he disagrees - he feels that she is his daughter, and that's that, doesn't matter what she does, as long as she isn't shooting herion, doing drugs, drinking and being uber destructive, then its "really not that bad, lets forget about the past..."
I just cant. I have to bite my tongue, I have anxiety when shes around, I have resentment that I have expectations on me and there are none on her. None. Because to have expectations causes arguments and lies and disappointments.
The best thing would be tough love - toughen up on her, have a list of chores to accomplish, and if there is attitude, add the chores. Bug her about her room daily, it should be spotless. Have her help with cooking, cleanup, dusting, folding, vacuuming. All of it.
But I think since he is keeping her at 50/50, then he leaves her alone. He doesn't want the struggle.
What are her ambitions for
What are her ambitions for life? Her ideal job/career? Can you and your husband help her put together an action plan towards making something similar to her dreams happen? Would she be motivated to work towards it?
Or you could go the rags route of making her home life so tough that she decides she's rather move out than stay put.
BethAnne - she talks lately
BethAnne - she talks lately about being a psychology major = major money. So that's great right?
Except she got an "F" in psychology last report card before graduation. And one in English, too.
She signed herself up for Summer Courses, Math (which she is really good at) and English. Not sure why, if she wanted to be successful, she would take summer off from schooling, get a full time job, get her drivers license, pay her insurance, and gas, save her money, and then start in Fall, fresh, with more life experience and independence.
My SO and I aren't married, so I really have little say in how she has been raised, and zero influence, besides how to make an awesome guacamole. There is no action plan - this family doesn't have those kinds of intelligent discussions, they don't make plans, they live for today only, and she really doesn't care much about the future beyond what hairstyle/hair color she will have.
If I make it tough, we will argue and then it will be blamed on me, and I will be emotionally punished for being too "harsh". You have not read my previous blogs, where I detail the roller coaster ride we have been on because of her. The threats, lies, stealing, accusations, generally mean and hurtful behavior, some of it at the unforgivable levels.
At this point I would like her safely with a full-time job, driving, and out of my home, except for occasional friendly visits. The only way this will happen is to move somewhere else, to the next town over. Thank you for your input!
SO is simply tired of the
SO is simply tired of the daily struggles. The past 3-4 years have been tough on him - he works ALL the time and is a great provider. Unfortunately all that "providing" doesn't leave time or energy for "parenting".
Occasionally she pushes his buttons hard enough that he reacts and then does some parenting. But there has been no "concios parenting", with consistency.
No one is forcing, encouraging or guiding her to take ANY kind of responsibility for anything.
She sounds alot like my
She sounds alot like my sister (except she dropped out of highschool) and my mom would never push her to get up and moving on her life. So now shes 25, 3 kids, never had a job and is now homeless because my mom finally kicked her out because she stole too many times finally for her to ignore.
My sister had no hobbies, few friends, no interests, no work. She just wanted to be on her phone or doing god knows what on the computer. She really just seemed to never. Get aby pleasure in life from anything. Its sad.
Hopefully something can light a fire under your sds ass so she starts doing something with her life.
Get in trouble for being in a
Get in trouble for being in a room in your house?
I'm not paying hundreds of thousands of dollars for a house and being told I will "get in trouble" for entering one of the rooms.
I go in any room I want any time I want.
Yes. There's a reason I
Yes. There's a reason I removed the locking door knobs on the SDs rooms when we moved in and installed lockless ones...
I tried, Clever. Last night I
I tried, Clever. Last night I mentioned that it has been 1 week since graduation - and asked him how job search is going, how many applications has she submitted, has she signed up for her provisional drivers license at all, when is she taking the test.
SO got mad, asked me "is this how our evening is going to go? Are you done?"
To preserve the peace, and demonstrate my willingness to "give space", and "let things flow", and give him some space as well, I will give a week of no mention of anything. Then the kid gets the full force of CLove on her butt to get moving.
O Hell NO.... sit her ass
O Hell NO....
sit her ass down with DH and say - this is how it will be from now on,
No food in the rooms and no candles burning in the rooms, if it ever happens again that person will be kicked out regardless what time of night or day.
Winona - you will do your chores daily and not leave it for later, this is my house as well as your fathers, you are merely a child living with a parent, if you do not like the rules of this house then move out...
Oh and by the way if you do not have a job within a week, you will come home finding your shit all over the lawn, understood,
I will fantasize about doing
I will fantasize about doing that. I will give one week, then come up with my plan of action - thanks for the input, I hope this doesn't destroy my relationship...but if things do not change, I am moving out.
Decided that last night.