When a day off is never a day off
I don't know how the rest of you feel and I know a lot of your situations are different but I am starting to feel stifled by the daily stresses of our situation. My SD rides the bus home every day from school to the end of our street and biomom is supposed to pick her up at the bus stop on her days, well the last 3 weeks she's been late and of course SD then comes to our house. This has started to bug me because I really need those days off with no interruption in order to recharge my batteries. Often SD will arrive in a bad mood or mumpy mouthed which I have a hard time dealing with - bottom line - my husband is at work - why do I need the crap - it's not our day. We are trying to get the kids in a routine of making sure they have everything before they leave for mom's so we have no need for last minute phone calls, mad dashes with clothes, shoes etc etc etc. So this morning we get a call at 7.15 - we're both still in bed and it's SD calling to ask dad to bring a shirt to school for her - she needs it at 10.00. Well I got seriously pissed off, not because she needed the shirt but because as is always the case, her and her mom call before 8.00 in the morning when I have previously asked them not to demanding we bring this or that here or there. My husband doesn't get why I'm annoyed and promptly gets up, gets the shirt out of the laundry and washes it for my SD. He's such a walkover it makes me upset. I know I'm probably overreacting to a degree when the situation is looked at on it's own but when you add up all the situations in, say, the last 6 months it's totally frustrating. Days like this I wonder how in the heck I'm gonna get through the next 10 years of these kids. I swear if SD turns up today I'll flip..... I wish I could be more laid back but some days I feel like his kids and ex-wife are suffocating me, and interrupting my daily life. Now I feel like a neurotic toad but I feel better already just writing it down. Thanks for listening.
- Cindy's blog
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Comments
I think that it is hard to
I think that it is hard to deal with the issues with our stepkids because we often have responsibility (i.e. you have your time interrupted at you house) but no control or privileges to enforce the rules/stipulations. That is a horrible place to be in and as stepmoms our feelings often times do get dismissed (i.e. “tell her to mind HER OWN BUSINESS”) I’m of the opinion that anything that affects your house and your husband is your business, especially if your sleep is being interrupted!! Have you seen the stepparents bill of rights? As hard as it is, we have to make sure that others respect our rights…I hope it helps in alleviating any ill feelings you may feel about demanding your respect. You have a RIGHT to be RESPECTED….See it below:
STEPPARENTS BILL OF RIGHTS
I WILL BE PART OF THE DECISION MAKING PROCESS IN MY MARRIAGE AND FAMILY AT ALL TIMES.
People of outside my immediate family, including ex's, in-laws, and children cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long.
I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
I will be consulted on all family financial matters.
Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
I will not be treated as an outsider in my home.
My spouse and stepchildren will treat me with respect.
Our marriage is our FIRST priority, and we will address all issues together.
I agree w/you on how
I agree w/you on how stepparents are responsible for providing for the children but no control on some rules/decisions. I get irritated when we have to ask biomom as to what in any decision because she has the authority to make all the decisions for SS. It's very difficult because it's like we have to wait on her decion first and follow it.
SLY WITCH!
Love your bill of rights...I had that problem one time when biomom said that the issue regarding her son is her and my husband's business only...I got angry. Now my husband includes me in all decision making. Biomom had the nerve imply that. At one time she wanted to talk to my husband about not having me take care of my stepson...how is that possible when he is at our house on visitation days. She is LOLO! She got all fired up because my stepmother-inlaw didn't want biomom to call her direct regarding visitation schedule with them. And that she needs to clear it up with us first. Biomom turns around and takes it out on me! What a witch! I have never forgiven her, when she said I was out of line as stepmother. How about the time when I was dating my husband and I just gave birth to my daughter....biomom had never met me before and asked my husband if she could meet me...my husband told me that and I said no not at this time. She then showed up uninvited at my daughter's dr. visit just so she can see me. She purposely scheduled her son's appt the same day & time (both children have the same dr.). We had stepson that day and when we got out of the car I heard him say "HI MOM" and I turned around and saw her by surprised! I was pissed off and wanted to scream.... I scolded my husband when we got home because he didn't want to warn me because of my reaction. He said he couldn't do anything about it, she just called him last minute to say she was going to the dr. too to be there for son's exam. Can you believe that??? I was not even ready to meet her ugly face. Sorry for the bad comment but I was really mad, she is a sly witch!
Kipmac
I really, really understand how you feel. I have been in the exact kind of situations that you describe.
It's like, why can't they figure something out without involving you when it is biomom's time. Why can't she figure something out! It just makes you want to scream.
I am right there with you!!
Dawn
I hear you
Who wants to deal with anyone if all you get is miserable attitude? My husbands ex used to call late at night, drunk and talking to him in some perverted manner. If he hung up she would call back. We would have to unplug the telephone or put it on hold.
It would be nice if your husband would just say no, then learned to do that consistantly. Just blog us and you will feel better.
My husband's reaction
So I hadn't seen the bill of rights before and I thought it would be interesting to send it to my husband, so I emailed it to him and he writes back with respect to point 3 "responsible for welfare of children" - what s*** piece of human being wrote that? Well of course I told him that it was so wonderful how he was looking at this constructively and I really appreciated him trying to be understanding of the needs of me, the stepparent. I often wonder if I were a bio parent would I understand more or would i be the same. I honestly think I'd be the same because I feel if I asked for something not to be done it shouldn't be done and I also feel SD needs to be more responsible - at almost 14 she needs to plan her school week. When I was younger I didn't dare forget stuff for school because my parents couldn't bring it to me. Why does he give her a free pass? She even thinks it's ok to call me and ask me to bring her a change of clothes cos she doesn't like what she's wearing and of course everyone thinks she's funny with this but I think - grow up a little. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one on my wavelength - or I did until I joined here
Mac...
Sorry to hear that you are waken up on the early hours of the morning for demands from the other family when it could be prevented. They need to plan the day before and call you on that day if they needed something..instead of calling you early in the morning the next day. It sounds like biomom has no time or fails to plan for child's for school the next day. I would be pissed off too if I heard the phone ring in the early mornings, unplug the phone if that's the last resort. Or tell your husband to talk to biomom about it.
Just Say NO
Hi,
Somebody needs to teach you to just say NO!!!! If you don't start sticking up for yourselves, no one will. And kindly inform biomom, that she needs to be on time to pick up her daughter on the days that our hers, because you won't be home or available. Otherwise, she needs to make alternate before/afterschool care arrangements.
As far as needing a special shirt, shoes, etc., plan in advance. Once the kids start learning, if they don't plan, they won't have them, it will immediately solve the problem. It will only take a couple of times for them to get the message. I've been through all of this.
Good luck.
Regards,
Sweetie
We're trying
We are trying to get stepson to learn to plan too. Biomom can't plan to save her life. As you know, she just calls us instead of trying to figure something out on her own.
We are just afraid that when we say "no" to things that she will bad mouth us up and down to stepson and he will end up getting mad at us. When in reality, it should start to be his responsibility more and more.
Dawn
Sweetie
If only it were that simple - I have no problem whatsoever saying no, it's my husband who is the lapdog. We argue about this crap day in day out, just earlier we talked about it again because what a surprise - SD turned up after school cos biomom was late - my husband doesn't see it as a big deal because she was only here about 5/10 mins and when I try to tell him that regardless of whether she was here 15 secs or 30 mins biomom needs to take responsibility - all he says is " you'll end up alienating SD" at this point I'll take my chances - he's such a wimp I've had to tell him to call biomom (cos she won't talk to me) and tell her I said etc etc etc - I swear if I could beat some common sense into him I would. Days like this I wonder how I ended up marrying him. Strong language but he really needs to step up and be a man.
Stand Your Ground
Mac,
Stand Your Ground With Your Man, You'll Never be sorry you did! Otherwise, you'll be in for a lifetime of regrets. Maybe he needs to take some assertiveness training or something. Whatever it takes to make him stand up. My husband used to get walked over all the time until he met me. It doesn't happen anymore. Pick and choose your battles because there are some thatare the really important ones, but stand strong.
Regards,
Sweetie