Not sure if I can post a generic cry for help..
Not related to being a step parent so sorry if not allowed.
I have posted previously about being unable to stick up for myself. I’ll real off a few examples why I feel stuck:
my husband does whatever he wants, he doesn’t think about me being upset or angry, it’s what he wants to do and he knows that I’m such a soft person I wouldn’t ever start an argument with him. He got a kitten when he knew I didn’t want one or am a fan of them (no offence to cat lovers) but thank goodness for once karma worked out for me and the cat has been re homes to live with my sd as it attacked her.
He has started a new thing since summer of going over his mates house after the corner from us late at night when we are spending a rare (because of his shift work) night off together. It makes me feel like he’s not enjoying my company.
He will say things to me that sometimes make me feel belittled but I don’t want to say ‘hey that wasn’t nice’ for fear of being accused that I’m taking it too seriously. That’s the normal reaction when I DO try to defend myself.
We Agreed back in summer 2018 to book a last min holiday just us 2 this year and do something local for a couple nights in the school holidays with sd. He’s now changed his mind and told sd we are going to do a family holiday! And told me we can’t afford have a holiday for just us as well.
Tonight is what’s done it though. He worked an early shift and I’ve been off so naturally I look forward to seeing him. He gets in and sleeps for 3 hours then we go out for food and he’s stuck on his phone. We’ve had the tv on all evening but been on our phones on opposite sofas.. I’m wondering who he’s messaging . He puts on a film that’s violent and warns me I won’t like it before it gets put on. I decide to go upstairs and within 10 minutes of me doing so I hear someone knock the door lightly, it’s his mate!. I cannot believe he’s invited him over secretly thinking I’m asleep, I just couldn’t think of inviting one of my girlfriends over late at night when he’s gone to bed - what if he come downstairs for a drink in his pjs or not for that matter?! And why sneak a mate over when I’m upstairs. I just feel like he doesn’t really want to be around me.
he gave up smoking when we started seeing each other as he knew I didn’t like it and wouldn’t be with someone that did (again no offence to smokers). He’s started openly saying he’s going out for a fag when we are with friends.. again because I won’t do anything.
I just feel all of these things are building up and I’m too afraid to do anything I want or spend a bit of money on myself in case it seems selfish. I am worrying that he doesn’t find me fun, I go silent worrying he will find someone else, we are struggling to conceive and it’s been over a year but I’m scared to see a doctor, I don’t know who to turn to but my confidence has gone rock bottom and I have no idea where to start getting it to a reasonably heathy level again.
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Whatever you do
Whatever you do, don't get pregnant! He obviously has let his guard down now that he "has" you and he is not a nice person. "You are not going to like this movie so scram!" Lovely. Start your exit plan but keep it quiet because he is likely to not be very happy about you choosing to leave him. Men like that can get squirrelly - be careful.
Oh honey! This makes me so
Oh honey! This makes me so sad. You definitely don't deserve to be treated this way, with your feelings and desires put dead last. But let's turn it around...
You say you are worried that he doesn't find you fun, or that he'll find someone else. After you've listed off the things he's done recently do YOU find HIM fun? From outside, it seems like he's messed with your head enough that you are thinking this is YOUR problem, that he's doing these things because YOU don't stand up for yourself. What do you think would happen if he did? Do you think he'd stop? I think it's more likely he'd get upset with you and go over to his friend's house evn more often because he was upset with you for standing up for yourself.
I don't know your back story -- don't have time to read your other blogs, if there are any -- but I just wanted to say that this is not a ChloeJ problem. This is a ChloeJ's husband problem. Yes, you do need to find your voice and communicate your needs/ put your foot down/ whatever, but it truly sounds like your husband might not care about your needs, whether you speak up about them or not.
Please, please, please think so carefully about having a baby with someone who doesn't consider your happiness to be important. He is not considerate of you now, when you are "at your best" (that is, when it's just you that you are caring for). Do you feel he'd be more considerate or helpful or affectionate when you are less than your best, after weeks of little sleep with a tiny baby crying in your house all the time?
I know you love him. We ALL love our husbands... mostly. Haha! That's part of the reasons we are here on this site. But that doesn't mean they all treat us right and are good partners for us. I don't like to say "divorce him" to anyone, because there is so much I don't know about you and your situation, but I do know that no one deserves to be dismissed by their spouse, left to feel fearful and unheard. It's definitely worth trying to commicate if you can. Go to therapy, read some books, just talk to him at dinner! Start by saying, "Let's just be together and put our phones away this evening" and see how that goes. I mean, it's possible he doesn't know he's being an a$$... but it's also possible he doesn't care.
It’s a common thing for women
It’s a common thing for women to worry “if I complain they may not love me anymore”, or “if I’m not fun enough they will not love me”...trying so hard to not make things difficult for the man in our life because we’re afraid of losing their love. But often times we forget that they need to be worthy of us as well.
Your DH is not worthy of you. He is lucky to have you, and instead he is acting like you don’t matter. People will treat you the way that you allow them to treat you, and right now your DH is taking advantage of your silence. I really hope you find your voice and stand up for yourself, because there is always going to be conflict in relationships, and staying quiet does not equal happiness. If your DH loves you (and let’s assume he does), you speaking up will not end this relationship, but it should change things for the better. Please remember that your feelings matter too, and he needs to deserve you.
'My husband does whatever he
'My husband does whatever he wants'- yes, because he is a man and despite all the gains made for women's rights etc it is still very much a man's world if we allow it to be. He can watch his own films and bring his mates round because that is what he has always done- and hedoesn't know how to treat women with respect.
I am begging you not to have a baby wih this man- his track record at thinking about anything except himself isn't good. You may think you can manage this- that a baby will make you happy and love you like he doesn't, but life doesn' t work like that. You deserve to be loved and to feel loved.
You need some serious relationship intervention here, whether it is from friends, family, counsellors or the stork that brings babies and you need to talk to this man.
Maybe, just maybe, he is unaware of your feelings and needs- I hope so and that you will drag him into the 21st century and see you as a person to make a family with. But, as others have said, I wouldn't take the risk. Put your babies off until you have sorted your relationship out.
Oh, gosh, do not have a baby
Oh, gosh, do not have a baby with this man.
He is treating you so badly and you are too afraid to say anything. That scenario will never change, unless you find your voice and a backbone to stand up for yourself. Please try individual counseling so you can get some help in sorting out why you are so afraid. You say yourself that your confidence level is at an all time low. Well, that could be because you are in an abusive relationship and your DH has systematically beaten you down and now you are totally submissive and too afraid to act. So he can do whatever he pleases whenever he pleases and still has you around. Perfect for him; hell for you.
This is not a loving relationship, and you deserve real love.