Childless stepmum struggles
Hi all, I wish I found this years ago!
You’d think after 3 years, becoming a step parent would be enjoyable and somewhat easy by now, but I still struggle!?
I met my now husband when his daughter was 3, a lovely young innocent age and she’s been so loving and accepting of me which I don’t take for granted. So I’m not having a moan about that side of things.
My SD stays every Sunday and more days on school holidays - the main reason we only have her one night is due to my husbands unsociable long working shifts, but I’d be lying if I said I’d manage if she lived with us full time. I take my hat off to you all with no bio children dealing with that and not having any time for yourself or quality time with your partner. I feel bad to say that I struggle feeling alone one day of the week!.
Unfortunately this week I experienced for the first time my husband getting angry with me for telling his daughter not to do something. It was in front of our friends and he claimed I never normally do it and was showing off. He then said what in my opinion was horrible that I simply see his daughter as a novelty to dress up (she likes wearing the same outfits as me) and do hair with but he doesn’t feel I help out. The problem is, the last 3 weeks she’s done the same routine of being kept up late as her dad is soft - then when it’s bedtime crying for her mum!. We all know even who don’t have kids this is just to test the waters and stay up later. My husband has now changed the routine where she normally goes to her bedroom with a dvd on to lying with her in bed until she’s asleep which apparently her mum does - SHE IS NEARLY 7. I’ve never heard of any of my friends or families kids being like this and she always has 1000% all the attention when she’s around us. And she knows it.
I’m not saying my husband is controlling but I do feel I can’t say anything wrong on his daughter as I’ve now seen how he can react. I don’t know what to really discuss anymore and to top this not being able to stick up for myself- we agree to book a last min holiday in September Just us (as we would do something local in the school holidays) but he’s now scrapped that idea from me and said he wants to take his daughter away - I already can predict how it will go. He will let expect me to play with her while he lies on the lounger!.
Does anyone else feel they have lost self confidence in becoming a step parent or have experienced similar to me? Please say it’s normal..
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Comments
First and foremost, you're
First and foremost, you're not alone. Whether this is "normal" is relative. It's common for parents to be protective of their kids and take it out on their spouses when they don't uphold their kids as "perfect angels". However, that doesn't make it okay.
You have a couple of choices you can make at this juncture. You can disengage, as in let him deal with his daughter how he wants to. This allows you to be the "fun aunt" or "friend" versus the parent. You can play with her, take her out to do things, help her pick out pretty clothes, etc. However, anything dealing with actual parenting, such as cooking, sleep schedule, homework, etc. all falls on Dad. If hr wants to make the rules, let him. And let him deal with the consequences, good and bad. So long as she is respectful of you and your home rules, there is no need to get involved.
Also, never be afraid to stand up for yourself with your SO. If his child is being unruly, tell him. If she is being disrespectful to you, tell him. If you need to handle something in the moment to protect her or yourself, do it. If your SO balks at it, tell him that he needs to step up his game as a parent then so you don't have to deal with it. Always bring it back around to him as a parent, not her as a child. Parents gets defensive of their kids, and will go blind to everything they do when you point it out. But when you tie it back to their parenting, they tend to be tamer.
Lastly, if you want to go on holiday in September, then go. If he chooses not to go with you, then take a girlfriend. Don't postpone your life just because he wants to be a cod. That's part of standing up for yourself.
Ultimately, what you don't want to do is hide and cower to keep a man. If he doesn't like you standing up for yourself, then he can walk out the door. I'm not saying be a witch in how you approach things, either, or be so strong-willed that you can't reasonably compromise. But don't let him push you around, either, just because he has a kid. He isn't "more equal" and his opinion doesn't carry more weight just because he brought a kid into the home. If he doesn't understand that then he isn't ready for a relationship.
So, welcome. Read around here and get a feeling for what others are dealing with. Some can seem a bit crass at first, but this site is filled with many women and men who are dealing with pretty hellish step situations.
he doesn’t feel I help out.
Just inform him that it is NOT YOUR JOB to help him raise his daughter. She has two parents - neither of which is use. If he wants a nanny he should hire one. Lazy sod.
Thank you..
Oh wow that’s thank you all so much for taking time to read and respond, if only I found this site from the beginning I think I’d be looking at situations in an entirely different light!.