How to manage SD20 consistent disrespect
I am running out of patience and forgiveness when it comes to SD20 consistently disrespecting me in my home. I am very much a non confrontational person and my caring and forgiving nature sadly has being taken advantage of too many times. I don't know how to break the cycle anymore.
In the 6 years I've been sharing a home with SO and his 2 kids now SS14 and SD20, none of them ever initiate a conversation with me or just a greeting. SS at least doesn't play any power game and replies when being talked to.
I'm a doormat in my own home, and when I confront SO about his daughter's behaviour, he is telling me it's "only 1 person in the house" who treats me like a doormat. But the outcome is that I don't feel comfortable in my own home as It's a form of disrespect and definitely a power game.
SO agrees she is disrespectful and playing a power game but he doesn't enforce the rules of respect in his own home. He said to me if it's not a healthy situation for me I can just leave (he later insisted he said that out of "empathy" for me).
In the 6 years I've been present in SD20's life she has STRICTLY NEVER EVER initiated a greeting or small talk and DOES NOT EVER make eye contact with me. No exagerration at all here.
SO says its hard to call her out "ignoring". I disagree he should have a good chat to her about his expectations BEFORE she comes home. Why is he still allowing her to come to our home if she cant respect me ?
I can't be around her anymore unless she changes her way.........
I know I've posted about this same issue before. Just feeling extremely lonely in this. SO does acknowledge her behaviour and my feelings but won't act on it. But what are words without actions?......
- Chalky.hands's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Since your DH told you to leave, go ahead and do it. Let him
Since your DH told you to leave, go ahead and do it. Let him live with his two kids without you around and see how quickly he changes his viewpoint. Seriously, the man basically chose his daughter over you - and you deserve way better than that. Some of these men just need a real shock to change their attitudes.
IMHO, He should definitely not
let her in the house until she shows respectful behaviour. I would not call it "chosing" though, just having healthy boundaries. If the daughter can't be respectful and not allowed to come to our place then she is the one choosing to exclude herself.
That would be my ideal scenario. Of course the reality is different...
This is heartbreaking to read
This is heartbreaking to read. How *I* was treated in *my* own house was where I drew a hard line with SD and, later, SS. As you know, DH should be supporting you. I would insist that he do that. If he won't, I'd confront your SD myself. If you are not comfortable with all-out confrontation, can you laugh and say things like, "SDeeeeeeeeeee, I said HELLO to you." "Gosh, SD, why don't you want to look at me?" all sing-songy and such. Make the little B uncomfortable. Maybe she'll want to move out. Have fun with it.
Dish it back. Make her
Dish it back. Make her invisible. She's talking to Daddy ... butt in and talk over her. She interupts? keep talking as if you never heard her. Cook for 3, plan for 3, do for 3, become just 3 in your words and actions. And when she complains, and she will, ask hubby "what did she expect? that I'd continue to be treated that way and you'd do nothing to make life easier for me or that I'd wash my hands of her and focus on enjoying life"
YEP. Works both ways. SD14
YEP. Works both ways. SD14 doesn't get to ignore me and then ask for rides, borrowing phone chargers, etc. On the RARE occasion SD14 does ask for a favor, I simply say "No."
This!
I do this now, too. Although his DD is 15. She's clever. She knows what she's doing. So I now do it back. And you know what? I bloody love it.
"SO agrees she is
"SO agrees she is disrespectful and playing a power game but he doesn't enforce the rules of respect in his own home. He said to me if it's not a healthy situation for me I can just leave (he later insisted he said that out of "empathy" for me)."
Ohhhhhhh hell no. He will suggest YOU LEAVE before making attempts to change his adult poopsie princess's behavior or, idk, get her the fk out of your house? I would suggest either do just that or do like AgedOut says. Become Queen Bitch and run her off. Doesn't seem like you have anything to lose unless you can't make it on your own financially.
I completely agree. No leaving. Bow up on DH for not containing
I completely agree. No leaving. Bow up on DH for not containing his disrespectful noxious spawn and send her packing when she pulls her shit. Give DH the invitation to leave with his noxious spawn since he clearly values her over his wife.
Make DH's ball-less bullshit infinitely painful and scrubbing his noxious spawn's nose in her own bullshit par for how how they are dealt with individually, and together.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
IMHO of course.
Without your SO having your back
Nothing good will come out of this. It's time to start making a exit plan. SO picked his DD over you. It's not your fault m you don't have to live tike this
Harry is Right
Like someone said above, you’ve got an SO problem.
And not just any SO problem—the special kind. The kind that lurks under the surface, all nice and reasonable, until you really start looking at the fine print.
Based on what you wrote, your SO sounds like one of those covertly arrogant bastards who thinks he did you a favor by trapping you in this StepHell.
"You can leave (if you can get a better deal).”
Oh, that’s a good one. That’s a calculated one. That’s a dare disguised as logic.
He only say it because he don’t believe you’ll go.
Because he think you won’t risk it.
Because he’re so sure you’re too tired, too broke, too beaten-down, too tangled-up to call his bluff.
But here’s the thing.
Bluffs don’t last forever.
And one day, he might just turn around to find you gone.
I would be working on that in the background, covertly, planning your exit strategy.
Because…
You are on your own.
SD has studied you.
She’s watched. Listened. Learned.
She knows exactly how you interact with her Daddee, how you move, how you react, where the cracks are in the foundation. And she’s got a plan.
Her goal? Divide and conquer.
And she’s good at it.
She knows just how much to push—just enough to dig under your skin, just enough to cause damage—while still flying low under Daddee’s radar.
My DH? He acted just like yours. Before YSD betrayed him.
He shrugged it off, told me it was “my problem” when YSD used passive-aggressive tactics, the cold shoulder, the subtle digs. I learned to mitigate them myself, without his help.
And when I did? Oh, then he had something to say.
He tried to ‘discipline me’, told me I wasn’t being a “role model” to his failed, psychopathic daughter.
Because of the lack of support I got from my DH?
He doesn’t know it. But, he lost me.
A loyal, faithful ally—gone.
That’s the thing about men like ours. They don’t realize what they have until they’re standing in the wreckage, wondering how the hell it all fell apart.
There’s a reason these skids turn out the way they do, and it ain’t just their egg donor’s fault.
Now.
Make no mistake—your SD and my YSD? They’re the same.
When they disrespect us, it’s not just about us.
They’re really trying to destroy their Daddees' lives.
But our dumbass DHs don’t see it for what it really is.
Not yet.
Mine didn’t see it either.
Not until it was too late.
Not until YSD sold him out—for a strange man-child and the freedom to run wild at her egg donor’s house.
And when that happened?
For your DH not to protect you, his wife?
You don’t have a marriage.
You’ve got a contract. A living arrangement. A situation.
And if that’s the case, you need to stop playing their game and start playing your own.
You need a long-term strategy.
You need to figure out what you need—not just for today, not just for tomorrow, but for the years ahead.
Where do you want to be in ten years? Twenty-five?
Because here’s the truth: nobody’s gonna pull you out of this but you.
So you need to start living in a way that gets you to that personal finish line.
Think of it like this—if you were stuck in a toxic job, just counting down the days to retirement, and every so often you had to deal with a toxic coworker, that your boss kisses that coworker’s ass, what would you do?
Would you let them rattle you, drag you into their mess, make every damn day harder than it already is?
Or would you play it smart, detach, do the bare minimum necessary to survive—until the day you could finally walk out and never look back?
This isn’t about winning battles.
It’s about winning the war.
So ask yourself—what’s the endgame?
And then? Move like someone who’s already made it there.
You need to outmaneuver them.
Both of them, your DH and his toxic skid.
Like one day, you just gave up and don’t care anymore.
Indifference is a wonderful place to be in StepHell.
One day—when your SD, like mine, finally shows Daddee her true face?
You’ll already be three steps ahead.
You don't have an SD problem,
You don't have an SD problem, you have an SO problem. Your SO's words and actions don't match. He has handed his balls over to SD and he'd rather you move out than for him to do something about his bitch of a DD. He's selling you out and would rather you be uncomfortable and miserable in your own home than to say one word to his DD.
Do you have any bios? If you do you are modeling how to let someone treat you as long as you stay in that home.
Ask me how I know.
Agree that it's a problem
Agree that it's a problem that your DH won't address this to any extent.. and offers you the suggestion of leaving (permanently? or just while she is there?)
But, I will say that I do feel to an extent that people should not necessarily be obligated to have conversation with others. I don't know how she is with other unrelated adults.. so if this is rooted in some social anxiety/disorder.. or just purely that she doesn't care for you.
A lot could be related to your relationship earlier on.. if your DH pushed parenting discipline to you.. and made you a bad guy in the house.. or whether his daughter was PAS'ed by mom etc.. Her father never insisted on civility inthe home etc..
What I would say is that if she is not interested in visiting "with you".. you are free to do your own thing.. play your own music.. not hang out in the living room.. etc.. you can go read a book.. watch netflix.. whatever you want.. go take a walk.. go out and treat yoursellf to ice cream.. again.. it's not that you are not allowed to be in the home.. but you choosing to do your own thing vs sitting around with someone who is incapable or not inclined to carry on conversation with you.
She should not be obligated to get into some shallow level convo with you.. but if you say "hello SD".. she should be acknowledging you.. say hello back.. but beyond that.. IDK why you would want to be more involved in conversation with someone like that.
As usual, ESMOD, your
As usual, ESMOD, your observations make perfect sense. When I was faced with the same brand of disrespect in Chez grannyd from my then teen SD who refused to respond to a, “Hello”, my DH would say, “grannyd just said, ‘hello’! Didn’t you hear her?” Although SD’s response was grudging and barely audible, my DH’s support meant a lot.
However, Chalky.hands, you also need to advocate for yourself. Like me, at the beginning of my ‘blended family’ experience, I was far too timid, too determined to keep the peace, to stick up for myself. Admittedly, your SD, at 20, should not be behaving so childishly but since she has the courage to be passively/aggressively hostile, it’s past time for you to stop suffering from her foolishness.
Gird your loins, Hon! No more toadying to a young bitch who is ruling your roost; that’s your job! Certainly, you’ll feel uncomfortable the first few times that you deliberately ignore her or fail to serve her a plate of food but the feeling will pass. Trust me. Do not greet her, do not engage in ‘small talk’ with her. Pretend that she is invisible. There is absolutely NO reason for you to communicate with an adult who is determined to reject you.
I agree with the other StepTalkers that your husband is failing you but a lot of your problem is the result of your own feebleness. Straighten your spine! Take charge!
I have to agree with DH. Calling out someone for ignoring
I have to agree with DH. Calling out someone for ignoring is not an easily referenced offense of disrespect and at best is a gray area that gives the one doing the ignoring a ton of fodder for manipulating daddy and anyone else in the home..
So.... start turning up the heat and pressure on SD-20. Start putting demands on her to interface. Directly address her in front of daddy. Keep doing it with increased pressure until she blows a gasket. At that point, you can tell her to get out as she is an adult and will not be allowed to treat others in the home with disrespect. Direct conversation with her at meals. Keep needling her with "Hey, did you hear what I asked you?", etc... Make sure that daddy and SS are present. Something will give when the pressure is high enough. When she goes overtly rude rather than teh passive aggressive ignoring, turn to daddy and give him a firm but flippant "Is that enough disrespect for you there Skippy? Man up and deal with this or I will."
Until you heat up the pressure cooker until she loses her shit, ignoring is an easy manipulation tactic for her to use and for daddy to ignore. "Oh, I/she did not hear you." Blah, blah, blah.....
Of course there is risk. Daddy may go all in on his" He said to me if it's not a healthy situation for me I can just leave (he later insisted he said that out of "empathy" for me).". In which case either he and his spawn are gone, or you move on.
Either way, if daddy mans up and delivers as your partner, things improve. If he does not man up and continues to be spawn coddling failure of a man, father, and partner, you still get to move on to living your best life. There is no lose in this IMHO. Except for daddy. You get to shake off this shit show and live your best life. If daddy decides to continue to coddle his failed family kidult spawn, in addition to living your best life with he and them in your rear view mirror, you get to live well which is also the best revenge.
Tolerate nothing but your SO making you and the relationship his sole priority. Minor kids are the top responsibility. This particular PITA failed family spawn is not a minor. Therefor she is not only not a priority, she isn't even a responsibility. Daddy needs a swift kick in the ass to shake his head loose in order to get him over his rampant case of Cranio-Rectitis. If that means going all in in torching the burning platform that gets his nasty adult daughter spawn to launch, so be it.
She does not engage, she starves. Don't cook for her. You, DH, and SS have a place at the table. SD can figure her own meals out, prepare them, clean up after them, etc... If she leaves her crap strewn about the house, throw it away. Regardless of what it is. Designer shoes, purses, phone,clothes, etc... in the garbage. If she does not salvage it before garbage day, so be it. She keeps her room clean, or same thing. It goes in the dumpster. She can replace it on her own dime.
Good luck and take care of you.
am running out of patience
First of all it's YOUR home, your rules, your way
Secondly being "non confrontational" after someone disrespects you in your home is not noble. If there is any time to get confrontational it's now.
I personally would kick anyone out if they dare disrespect me in my home idk who it is.
Which is your SO, your boyfriend or your husband?.
Disrespectful SD
Been there, just here to tell you that I thought things would be different once they became young adults. Nothing changed. Same BS but now they are in their 30's.
I have been where you are and
I have been where you are and it's indescribably awful! The atmosphere when SD is here is so uncomfortable I want to escape. My DH thankfully got on side and put his foot down. It's YOUR home too and you have a right to feel respected and comfortable! As an adult, they have a choice - get onboard or piss off!
SO SO familiar!!!!
I have been putting up and disengaging as much as possible from now SD30 for over a decade. She talks to everyone else and avoids eye contact except when in front of Daddy. I get an occasional question purely out of politeness. It actually makes me sick to be around her... as everyone surely knows by now. Don't wait for "it to get better" because it won't. However, you will learn how to take better care of yourself...
Evil Rags thought.
When at group gatherings, make sure to walk up to any pairing or group SD is a part of and engage the group in convo.
Ha!
Whaat?
Enjoy turning up the heat on the toxic SD at gatherings. No need to be mean or snarky. Just move to any group she is a part of and engage with everyone else in the group. Turn her proven likely behaviors against her.
Lather, rinse, repeat.