Update on SS12 Visit
We are nearing the end of SS12's visit for summer. He goes home on Sunday.
BM and GF have called SS twice a week for the past 3 weeks. I posted my last blog outlining some of the toxicity and annoyances that stemmed from a phone call early on. The calls are still annoying, but I have made great feat in not listening anymore. I know it is not good for my mental health to hear BM and GF bash us (more specifically me) to SS and listening in isn't going to change anything (although my curiosity drives me insane). Despite not listening, I have heard petty giggling from all 3 of them throughout the house when he is on calls with them, almost like a younger brother talking to older sisters, rambling on about nothing and laughing the whole time. It's a weird dynamic. GF (aka Mom per the contact title) has texted SS multiple times on his watch during this visit, including twice today. I don't know what the content of the messages are, but it has been annoying since we don't have accessibility to contact SS at their house without going through BM. Again, something I have touched on here in the past and know we can't change without causing destruction of our relationship with SS and further alienating. It's still annoying. I would love to be able to check in on SS every now and then and send him photos or funny gifs, but we don't have access to do that, but they do here and we can't take it away.
I am nervous for SS to get a phone (he mentioned likely this Christmas). While I'm excited that it may allow us the opportunity to communicate with SS directly more frequently (unless they block our contacts or prevent it), I'm nervous about it giving them even more access than the watch while he's here. He hates texting on the watch because the screen is small and hard to navigate, where a phone eliminates that issue.
All in all, the visit has been nice. SS has been really open and talkative, polite, and go with the flow. The biggest issue is tackling his boredom because at their house, he runs the neighborhood at all hours of the day and is rarely ever home, where here, he doesn't have that many friends in close proximity. There have been a few episodes of intense ego and superiority, following BM and GF's mantra, but DH and I didn't feed into it and he stopped. I think 3 weeks with SS is almost too much. While it's been nice and we have done a lot, I'm ready to have my routine back and have no more BM/GF intrusion in my household. Lets hope the next few days continue to go smooth.
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UPDATE: DH is at work, so he
UPDATE: DH is at work, so he asked me to look at the watch while SS was occupied to see if message threads can be found. He doesn't like the fact that GF is the one messaging frequently, instead of BM. I looked at it and it appears that if BM/GF text SS directly on the watch, he can view and/or respond only to that particular message. Once he views and/or responds to it, his ability to text them is turned off. When you click on the two contacts for BM and GF, the messaging feature is disabled, preventing SS from initiating a text with them and preventing him/us from viewing previous message threads. I do like that he can't text outbound without receiving an incoming message, but hate that it essentially disappears once read/responded to.
When SS, DH and I talked earlier this week about an eventual phone, SS indicated that GF is the one who bought the watch, linked it to her phone plan, and controls it through the parent dashboard, not BM. BM has a totally different cell carrier. That was unexpected.
That is strange. At home, i
That is strange. At home, i wonder if GF is the one who does most of the day to day care of SS. She seems much too invested in a child who she would never see again if BM decided to turn on her. No telling what BM has told her about you guys. I almost feel sorry for GF. In another thread we were talking about codependents. Something tells me GF is a major one. At the end of the day, though GF has the same rights and ability to access information as you do. BM is still calling the shots, even if she is "delegating" heavily to GF. What a toxic situation.
GF does ALL of the daily care
GF does ALL of the daily care for SS - takes him to all doctors appointments, school drop-offs/pick-ups, all transportation to sports, all parenting, etc. While she is a stepmom and only legally has access to the same information I do, BM delegates everything to GF, so she is much more involved than even BM and DH are in SS. GF makes ALL decisions, even over BM. BM just takes GF's lead on everything.
When BM had SS at 19, she pawned him off on her parents to raise for 4 years, then once she met GF, GF took over everything. BM always made it clear she didn't want to raise SS, but didn't want DH to raise SS either. BM is focused on advancing her career, spending time on her hobbies, etc. to care for SS. BM only cares about SS when she can show him off like a trophy to talk herself up.
The issue is, GF wants so badly to be a parent and BM basically gave her the golden ticket for that. With BM having sole custody, they don't have to worry about DH agreeing to decisions, and BM can just tell GF to handle it, giving GF all the power, which she flaunts often. GF has flat out told DH that she is more of a parent to SS than DH is in every way, and in a way she is, because BM and the courts have allowed that to happen. GF will never have kids of her own so this is as good as it gets for her and she is relishing in it.
Another Update: So SS is very
Another Update: So SS is very accustomed to his routines, beliefs, etc. at BMs. DH and I have fully accepted that we have no control over any of that. He is 100% a product of BM and GF as far as environmental impact goes.
So this afternoon, I asked him what he wanted for dinner. He said he didn't know. I apologized, saying we would likely need to go out to dinner, due to the busy day. I apologized, because I know we've eaten out more this visit than he normally does at BMs and he normally views eating out as "inferior" because it's "less healthy". He stopped me and said he appreciates that I value his opinion on food. He said at home, BM and GF hand him a plate of whatever they cooked/wanted and that was it. He said they only take their food likes/dislikes into consideration, but never take his. He said he hates tuna and onions, yet he is repeatedly forced to eat those items because they love them.
I explained to SS that its not feasible to make separate meals and it is a parent's responsibility to ensure kids are getting balanced and healthy meals, but I can ask for input and try to find a middle ground. SS said it's more than that; he loves Mexican, but BM and GF don't really care for it, so he never gets it. But when they want something he doesn't care for, too bad, they're getting it. It's all or nothing without compromise.
He also told me that after spending 3 consecutive weeks with us, he never wants to go back to 2 two week blocks or less in the summer. He said it was way better and he got to really feel connected to us, our families, and our lives. I'm so excited to hear he feels that way. Now we will just have to convince BM of that going forward.
That is awesome! I do wonder how much of
a contention food/meals are at the different households. SD constantly compliments meals we make and there have been times she has asked if I could tell her mom how to make x, y, and z because she likes it the way I make it better. I get the sense they don't cook a lot over at BMs or at least do not cook well based on commentary SD has made. BM herself has also made comments to DH and even in the IEP meeting about SD refusing to eat certain things and being difficult about eating. We have never had this issue, but we cook a lot and even more so recently because of me being pregnant and just the cost of everything going up with a baby on the way have limited our eating out.
We have really tried this visit since SD is getting older to give her more choices, but not control if that makes sense. So giving her options or just asking her opinion on food too she might want to eat. SD seems to enjoy being considered as well instead of everything being decided for her.
It is so great to read about another positive visit!
It is so great to read about another positive visit! I think it is very telling that he figured out on his own that at your place he gets actual input into his life, unlike at BM's where everything is decided by someone else. I also find it encouraging that he wants to keep the visits longer, it shows that he is very comfortable with your household. While we all knew this, now mayby BM will know too. Although I hope that does not work against you in the future.