Oh boy, this one's a doozie
So BM calls my fiance yesterday an hour before he's to leave to pick up SD for their weekly dinner to say that they're at the ER because SD has a HEAD INJURY and that she'll have to cancel. Now, this is the FOURTH 'head injury' SD has had in the past year or two, all on days when she is to be with us (plus who knows how many that we don't hear about?) The first 3 times, I was genuinely concerned, but this time I just had this distinct feeling that something was fishy. It's just that every time we ask SD about it afterwards she says very nonchalantly "yeah, I'm fine, no big deal" - after spending 10 hours in an ER with CAT scans and myriad tests?! Hmm.
Each time SD trips over a shoelace on the playground, BM blows it all out of proportion and rushes her to the ER. To give a little background, since I've met BM in 2004, she (BM) has had 3 concussions, a sprained ankle, a broken elbow, strained ligaments, a bruised rib, and countless other injuries. She's a chronic attention getter via personal injuries. So I suspected that either a) BM is also a chronic attention getter via her child's personal injuries or b) SD is actually imitating this behavior from her primary role model.
So, SD confessed to her dad today that she MADE UP the symptoms of dizziness and not being able to walk to GET ATTENTION. She said she was afraid that the new baby would take attention away from her and she also worried that the new baby would take her birthday in July so she wanted her mom, her dad and her grandfather (BM's dad who lives nextdoor to them) to pay attention to her. So it turns out that SD is learning from the master.
SD missed her weekly dinner with dad, was out of school a day and a half (in the ER from 1pm-11pm, slept off her "injuries" today) and not to mention wasted a ton of the health care system's time and resources, all because I'm pregnant.
Is this a normal reaction? I know it's way over the top, but look who she's learning from. Have others here experienced anything like this? She was so happy and excited about her new sibling, and now this?
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Hard to say
First off, how old is SD? Her "description" and reasoning for faking illnesses sounds way to structured to come from a kid. Things like "i was afraid the new baby would take her birthday in July" and "the new baby would take time away from me" sound like adult remarks that were actually made to her. Sounds like mom is planting seeds. I can't imagine a kid enjoying being in the ER all day for a fake illness. She probably does want extra attention to some degree but this all seems extreme and more calculated than a kid can come up with. Plus the fact that she admitted such behavior to gain attention. It depends on the age.
Also, the other injuries you listed... Are those documented from a doctor? Because that seems like an awful lot of stuff happening to a kid who can't do those things to herself. You can't induce a concussion. Any chance of abuse?
Ever thought of Muncheisens
Ever thought of Muncheisens by Proxy. Not sure if spelling is right but this is a mental illness where someone, usually mom, creates illnesses in their child to garner attention for themselves.
Check out the second paragraph
FACTITIOUS DISORDER, (of which MUNCHAUSEN SYNDROME is a sub-type), (also called "Adult Munchausen", and "Adult Factitious Disorder") is a formal, DSM-IV mental health diagnosis in which people deliberately exaggerate and/or fabricate and/or induce physical and/or psychological-behavioral-mental health problems in themselves. The primary purpose of this behavior is to gain some form of internal gratification, such as attention, for themselves.
MUNCHAUSEN BY PROXY (MBP) (also called Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy, Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome, and Factitious Disorder by Proxy) is a label for a pattern of behavior in which caretakers deliberately exaggerate and/or fabricate and/or induce physical and/or psychological-behavioral-mental health problems in others.
This pattern of behavior constitutes a separate kind of maltreatment (abuse/neglect) that manifests as physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, or a combination. The primary purpose of this behavior is to gain some form of internal gratification, such as attention, for the perpetrator.
This condition/disorder is very hard to prove, but i find it to be some interesting reading. Something to think about.
You read my mind
I was thinking that myself... seems like the bm has a lot of the same characteristics as a munchausen case. We think my ss bm may have that also. We've had to document a lot of things because she's a hypochondriac. She has this gigantic book of disease's and symptoms lying in her living room so she can look up all of her illnesses and tell the doctor what she has. She takes ss to the e.r. for everything too. Last year she took him to the er because he peed his pants, and told the e.r doctor that she thought he had hypospadias (which is when your urethra is on the underside of the penis)
This condition is very hard to prove...
I posted the suggestion of this mental illness but couldn't remember the spelling. We have seen a few moms with this disease where I work and it takes very careful documentation and observation of mom's involvement in hospital and sometimes even videoing to prove the behaviour. Hope this isn't the case for your situation but it would definitely explain some things that are out of the ordinary. Take care.
Is DH not a caregiver?
I never understand how a child being sick or injured on DH's time automatically calls for cancellation of visitation. Granted there are some fathers who couldn't handle it, but in this day and age, I don't see why DH would just let it be assumed his daugther goes with the mother when she's sick or injured. Why was he not at the hospital? Did he not learn until afterwards. DH wouldn't want to set in the ER with BM here either, but he'd be there for his kids.
For DH to allow such a forfeit to take place could also be used against him in court whenever they are asking about caregiving.
If your DH is an involved caregiver, you should encourage him to insist on his visitations regardless of illness or injury.
I should've been a little clearer
BM left a VOICEMAIL for my fiance at 3:45pm and then he proceeded to call her cell, her home phone, and BM's father's cell and home phone every half hour to find out where they were and what was going on but NO ONE would answer or have the courtesy to call him back until 11:00pm when they returned from the ER. We don't live in the same area as BM, so we wouldn't know what hospital she would take SD to, and just a little more background, my fiance doesn't drive so it's not even like he could just go to all the hospitals in the yellow pages until he found them. I was at rehearsal that night, or I would've gotten in the car with him to find her. This is typical BM behavior. She doesn't let him know anything, or just the bare minimum to get him worried, but certainly not involved.
I never understand how illness calls for cancellation of visitation either. BM does it ALL THE TIME. SD has a stomachache and can't come?! We can't rub her tummy and make her chicken soup at our house? Puh-lease!
That was my question too.
Since it seems that this is a recurring issue, I would simply show up at the ER the moment you know she's there. If she 'conveniently' informs you after the fact, just go pick her up and have her 'rest' at your house. If she doesn't comply with your schedule, you can have assistence from police/authorities and document everything.
Regardless if my SS is sick or not, we still pick him up and I take care of him... usually we find out that it's not serious at all. Or if he is actually sick, she (BM) makes light of it, and we found out that he really needs to see the doctor. We've had that many times. She won't take him to the doctor. This past year, she finally has, but now she won't get his prescriptions filled and just hands us the paper and we have to fill it. Problem with that is SS has usually waited an entire week and suffered for it!
I don't understand these BM's. I really don't. I hope it works out for you. I'm with SteppedOn with this. Regardless if SD is "sick" or not, you are still entitled to your visitation schedule and if BM can't follow through on it, you need to get some authorities involved and have her comply with it. SD has to learn that she too needs both parents, as well as her extended family. She may be jealous, but I think she's being coached too. Maybe it would be good if just you and SD spend some good quality time together and slowly work on the baby idea. Have her be involved with some of the suggestions or ideas or picking out toys, etc. Get her involved with it and she may warm up to it. Stay positive.
Not that simple
"If she 'conveniently' informs you after the fact, just go pick her up and have her 'rest' at your house. "
I wish it were that simple. They live in an apartment building, and BM won't even let us enter the foyer of the building and has instructed the security guard not to allow us entry. This is part of her ruse that my fiance is abusive to her and she's scared of him. So this is for her safety. (All LIES!) So, if we try to pick up SD, we have to call from our cell phone and BM brings her down to a side door and if she decides she doesn't want SD to come with us, well, then, SD doesn't come with us. We don't have a choice in the matter.
"If she doesn't comply with your schedule, you can have assistence from police/authorities and document everything."
Each time she breaks the court ordered schedule, we do try to call the police to have it documented that she didn't comply. We didn't in this case, but I guess we should have.
Authorities...
I have experience with this. My DH too had false allegations reported against him too. So, we started to take BM back to court and had a specific drop off point listed at a public location. So, no more picking up SS conveniently from her home... oh, no.
I also had a friend who had a husband who was abusive to her. She had a drop off point made across the street from the police station! If he didn't show up in a half hour, she went into the station and filed a report. There is a specific term you need to use and be very firm about it. Think of it as a business transaction. Be professional, calm and use specific law/legal terms. If I were you, I would research your state and county laws, or contact an attorney and discuss it with them. Don't let them just talk you down. So many just want to ignore the problem, but the problem is just that... ignoring the situation. It's not going to solve anything.
Belive me, I've been in a similar situation, and we got firm. Went to an attorney and settled it. Stick to your guns, don't back down, and don't make excuses. That's what BM is trying to do... rattle your cage. If you stand firm, she'll not get the kicks out of it.
If you have to, get a third party involved to mediate the situation- literally. Someone who is not "attached" to either party. Some courts can have this set up. In some cases, the mediator is the person that BM would take SD to, and then an half hour later, you come pick her up, so there is no physical contact with her. If she fails to comply, then she is in comtempt of court and she has to deal with the court... not you. (You of course have to bring this up, but if their is a mediator, they report it.)
Since she has filed abuse against your DH, you have to start to think ahead of her and protect yourself just as if you were setting up a contract between to parties selling a car. Since my SS's BM pulled this crap, we made sure that DH was NEVER ALONE to pick up SS, and I sat in the car and video taped their interaction. It's a big ordeal to get others involved, but it was our last resort. Since the drop off was at a public location, and I was sitting in the car with a video camera, she couldn't do anything about it what so ever and knew that she was 'caught'. We were able to prove that DH didn't provoke her at all, but rather she was manipulative.
Today, BM knows that she can't get away with anything now. It will get easier. Keep positive, keep researching... the more knowledge you have about your state/county laws the better perpared you will be to counter act her behavior. Go to court, get an attorney's advice and don't go into the mediation meetings like a riotting cowboy, but calm and collective. Let her ruin it for herself. She's half way there if you play your cards right. ;0)
Recording equipment is our new best friend
We record phone calls so she won't try to lie, manipulate and change her story later. She pretty much digs her own grave. Like you said, we just let her ruin it for herself.
I think if she keeps up this nonsense, we'll start video recording her at pick-ups and drop-offs too. Thanks for the great advice!
Oh, and just to clarify, she hasn't filed abuse against my fiance. She just insinuates that he's abusive to anyone who will listen so they will feel sorry for her and try to help her in her campaign to alienate him from SD.
That is disgusting!!!
It is an absolute crime that she insinuates abuse to alienate her dad...our bm always stated my dh was a deadbeat dad that never called (when she never picked up the phone), never tried to visit his son (when she refused to show up, or open the door), and never paid child support (when he had five years of monthly receipts from the State showing he paid child support)..and what was sad is people believed it. Yeah..what a deadbeat..my dh was such a deadbeat that his name was listed as the petitioner on the parenting plan, and her name was the respondant...what a deadbeat!
Yes, it disgusts me too.
Yes, it disgusts me too. People believe her because they just don't think that she would blatently make all that up.
I don't care what other people think, but I certainly do care what SD thinks and it kills me to think that for years, she thought Daddy didn't want to come to her swim meets because that's what Mommy told her. Meanwhile, BM wouldn't give him the schedule or even the name of the swim club so he could look it up and threatened to yank SD out of the program if he dared show up. My poor fiance just didn't know how to stand up to her and claim his rights as a parent - at the time. He's getting much better at not letting her get away with murder anymore.
Sounds like you and I have VERY similar situations. How can these mothers do and say such hurtful things to their own children so they can make the claim that Dad is an awful deadbeat?! I just don't get how some people can have such evil intentions in their hearts.
it is because they have no love in their hearts...
that is how they do it. They have no love for themselves, therefore they take all their anger out on everyone around them, and it is every one else's fault.
We do have similar situations..only our bm has done some growing up. She use to pull the same exact situations yours is doing right now. Even though now we totally get along (in fact I called her this a.m. to let her know we got a call from school about ss) she still has really poor social and family boundaries. We do combined birthday parties, and we can now even sit at a dinner table together have a glass of beer and talk...but it didn't use to be that way. And it doesn't mean we still don't have hurt feelings either...you never really get "over it".
Our bm was raised horrible, and has absolutely no self-esteem. She use to be very attractive, and thought that she could have anything off her looks, and she didn't have be nice about either. In fact, when she drinks too much, she is a total bitch to everyone around her, including her friends (raging anger). I know in my heart, that bm doesn't feel loved, and for that, she can't feel love for her kids best intentions. She goes from one guy to the next only for how that person benefits her (not b/c she is in love with the guy), but how he provides for her and her kids. Her second child is a product from a one night stand...how sad is that? She has absolutely no self-respect, therefore she can't respect others.
My ss's bday was last month, and we met at a pizza parlor for his bday. I was talking...telling a funny story...and bm is so rude that she interrupted me...said "oh not to interrupt you.." but she did, told a completely unfunny story...and totally killed the moment. Now, I'm not butt hurt about it...but I have the knowledge now, that bm just doesn't know any better to respect other's and just let them tell their story, and have the spot light for 2 minutes...now I know why ss is so rude, he has a big problem with interrupting people and it is b/c his mom does it routinely...
As far as sd...don't worry about her...she is already reading the handwriting on the wall, and that is why I am so proud of her! She isn't buying her bs, and I think that even now, she thinks about what her mom was saying about her dad, and KNOWS it is bs. When she was younger, she didn't know better to not believe her mom, now she does..and don't think for one minute that she thinks her dad didn't want to come to her meets...she already knows her mom was lying.
Remember...actions speack louder than words...and every time dad shows up to the meet...he is reinforcing his support to his daughter...and she knows it!
I hope that makes you feel better..I believe that is the truth!
Who knows why people do the things that they do..
It is difficult to say why people do the hurtful things that they do. Probably the person themselves doesn't really even know. However, probably there are a combination of things...hurt, anger, rejection, abuse, low self esteem, detachment and on and on. It doesn't help to try to diagnose the reason though because it won't change the behaviour...it just wastes your time. What matters most is your response and her Dad's response. With time, she will come to her own conclusions...her own truth. Hopefully, they will be conclusions that result in her own self esteem and a sense of understanding and appreciation for the important people in her life, no matter what the past trauma has been. Good luck and take care.