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buterfly_2011's picture

Submitted by buterfly_2011 on Fri, 01/13/2012 - 1:40pm

I'm feeling defeated today. I think all this stress is finally taking its toll on me. I am having irreg heartbeats. I am waking up from having night sweats. I don't know how much longer I can continue to put my heart and my body through this game. I call it a game because that is what it is. I'm engaged.... I think NOT. And I wish he had never asked me to begin with. If I was going to have to hide it for a year then what is the point?????
I am dreading going to where the skids are in March and I'm trying desperately to figure out a way to opt out of the trip. I'm just done "trying"!

Comments

DeeDeeTX's picture

Submitted by DeeDeeTX on Fri, 01/13/2012 - 1:49pm

Hon, you are just engaged, right? Not married, not with kids together, right? So why are you trying so hard to make this work to the point you are making yourself sick??

stormabruin's picture

Submitted by stormabruin on Fri, 01/13/2012 - 2:04pm

If you are done trying just into engagement, don't marry this man. You are already tired of the situation. Opt out. Forever is a long time to be unhappy.

This is not a game. Your health is involved. There are children involved. It's only a game if both people choose to play.

DeeDeeTX's picture

Submitted by DeeDeeTX on Fri, 01/13/2012 - 2:08pm

Yes, and don't fall into the trap like so many of us did, "yeah, but he would be perfect, if only step kids didn't exist/weren't belligerent/bio mom wasn't crazy, etc"

You'll never be able to solve those problems, and most times they get worse. If things aren't working now, the chances of them working later are slim."

dragonfly5's picture

Submitted by dragonfly5 on Fri, 01/13/2012 - 3:59pm

I could not have said this better!
"Yes, and don't fall into the trap like so many of us did, "yeah, but he would be perfect, if only step kids didn't exist/weren't belligerent/bio mom wasn't crazy, etc"

Be Happy, healthy, go forward and don't look back.

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Fri, 01/13/2012 - 6:06pm

I've been here. I'm really sorry you feel so bad right now. ((((hugs))))

Last March, I got down to 90lbs and had to go to a psychiatrist because of my panic attacks and depression. I continued therapy, but I didn't want to go on anti-depressants again (had already been on them). SD's attitude, SO's apathy, all got to me. AND I LET IT.

I went through therapy and finally just decided if I was going to get better, I needed to take control and let go of all the crap around me. I completely stopped talking to SD. I stopped going out with SO and skids during their visits, I stopped doing anything for any of them. I struggled with all this for months going back and forth and learning to disengage properly. I took up exercise and I focused on getting my weight up-- trying to eat very scheduled meals and protein shakes. Basically what I'm saying is that I let it get to my health and I felt like a weak shell of a person.

Why? because most humans cannot deal with loss of control of their surroundings. At some point, you will realize that you are in control of you and what you allow to happen to you. You cannot control your SO except that he cannot treat you badly. You can NOT allow it. You just have to learn to stand up for yourself. I bet you feel guilty when you stand up for yourself, don't you? Maybe you feel like you are in the right, but you shouldn't be so harsh or you are asking too much? You're not. Its all correct.

He is not doing right by you and you feel like you have to take it. You don't. Your best bet is to get your health under control and start creating a little distance (and a little more each month) between you and your SO/SO's baggage. Its the only way you can get back to yourself. You need to do something that is for you only (exercise is so helpful and so empowering-- otherwise find a hobby or go out with your friends-- whatever makes you feel like your old self again).

You need to start creating some distance between yourself and HIS situation. You are getting lost in it all and you need to find yourself again. I see you aren't ready to leave him, but you need to work on yourself.

I wish you luck and I hope this made sense.

buterfly_2011's picture

Submitted by buterfly_2011 on Sun, 01/15/2012 - 11:01pm

We are only engaged yes. But really we aren't. I can't tell anybody. This website is the only group of people who know I am engaged. And I feel a little better being able to vent about it. And I do feel bad when I try to say how I feel. Or vent to him because of his issues with the ex and the kids.
I have gone through a lot the past 11 years. I dated some real jerks. This man isn't a jerk. In fact he is everything any girl would want outside of his ability to be able to juggle me, stand up to his daughter and deal with all the negativity in his life concerning her and her mother. I feel like so many people bail in relationships and I don't want to look back and say I didn't give it my all. I don't want another dead end relationship. I feel I owe it to myself and everything we have built together to give it everything I have. I am however very tired. The stress every single day has been eating at me. I just found out tonight they are coming the end of this month and I'm sick to my stomach over it. Already stressing what will happen. Since they now know he lives with me they will be here in our house the entire time. Meaning she will be here the whole time. Over the summer I was upset/hurt/angry that he took them someplace else but after being around her toxic behavior I have grown to be thankful that she was in another home BUT then realized that if she is never forced to come here where HE lives she will never realize that WE are in control NOT her. And this is needed. I bought a lock for my bedroom door today. And one for my son's. He is a good kid and he isn't tolerant of her BS either.
I have been doing much better about doing my own thing. Like going to my son's activities alone. And going to lunch with some girlfriends. That has been very helpful. I also have decided that when he drives the 6 hour drive to see them I'm opting out of the trip from now on. On those weekends I am going to visit my own daughter and take that opportunity to spend with her. I also put my son in a basketball program which includes some traveling. I will be enjoying that as well. Alone with my son and his friends. I have got to find sanity and my kids is where that is at.
I have decided that I am not getting married anytime soon. And I am done asking him about it. And done asking when we can tell people. I just don't care much anymore. The excitement is gone. All of it. This is not how and engagement is suppose to be. And I won't have any more part in it.
Yah for me! Thank you ladies for all your support.