I feel for you. It's so hard to have your life controlled by BM. You didn't marry her. You didn't get her pg. Yet you have to bend over to accomodate her and her demands. It right around 4 years of marriage that the sh** hit the fan with us too. I had had enough.

If I were you, I wouldn't rearrange anything. It's Dh's problem. He can make sure SD gets to her dental appt if he agreed to it. If DH doing it messes up your plans, find something else for yourself during the time he's gone. Don't let it run your life.

I know it hurts that a DH could put the BM first. Have you told DH that?

I told mine. Then I stopped fighting it. I stopped accomodating it. I even refused to work with my family to schedule Christmas around BB's schedule so that SS could be there. I got sick of scheduling my life around her. If DH allowed it, that was his problem, but I was not going to allow it. I took care of me and my kids first. Once DH had to do it all by himself and missed out on the rest of the family, he understood. He put his foot down.

In fact, SS is living with us (for the month anyway). BB left a message last night saying that SS has a dentist cleaning appt on Thursday. DH is going to call the dentist and change the appt to a day when he is on vacation. He will not allow BB to run his schedule. It took a long time, but he's learned.

Good luck to you. I hope your DH gets it too.... and soon.

Have you guys gone to counseling, yet? That may seem hard, but dealing with a blended family presents so many unique issues that it has to warrant some extraordinary measures. But if you are at the stage where arguing seems to be the preferred or at least the default mode of communication, then maybe finding a neutral and safe place to express yourself would be helpful. One thing for sure is that if you are feeling desperate and as though your marriage is on the brink, it's worth it to exhaust all options of finding a solution when you truly love your husband. You can't change BM's selfishness, but you and your husband may be able to work together to change your respective reactions to it.

You should not be the one to have to rearrange your shcedule. SD may be a part of your family, but she is DH's responsibility first. And when he is putting that on you (as opposed to you asking for it and sharing in it), he is treating you unfairly, and not acknowledging your feelings. Just as his position of being the man in the middle isn't easy, he needs to acknoweldge that your position is more difficult.