Is a SM suppose to fade into the background?
I am in a no win battle here. If BM had it her way I would just poof be gone. DH has told her to back off. I gave her back her little "thou shalt not list" and told her to back off but to no avail. Everything I do gets under her skin. I brush the girls’ hair into ponytails and it’s a problem and I only did it because a giggle fest irrupted when my H tried. I go with DH to take them winter coat shopping and she has a problem with that. The girls have a great time here. Both my H and I are full of energy and fun spirited so we always have some time of adventure when the girls are here. They love me they love brushing my hair doing my makeup and playing dress up with me and even praying before bed. They love it when DH and I go back and forth reading a story and making voices to embody the characters.
They go home and tell their mom about all the fun they had and she loses it. DH told them not to talk about what we do on our weekends with BM but the girls say if they don't say anything she keeps asking them until they do and then gets mad at them for telling her I don't understand. When the girls come here telling us that mommy did this or that and took them here and there my H and I are like "really”? “that’s awesome glad you had fun" I just don't understand why she gets so annoyed with me just being alive .she never even gave me a chance. It takes a lot to ruffle my feathers. She called my H to her car yesterday when she came to pick up the kids. Outraged over the fact that they got in the car wearing bows I got them and made them take them out and give them back to DH. What Am I supposed to do? I can't just disengage because I really do love these little girls and they love me too and it would hurt them if I just all of a sudden started to pull away. Plus it would show BM she has control over me. If I don't disengage like she wants me to she will take it out on the girls. They've told me some mean names BM calls me. I'm also afraid that if I don't do what she wants she might start withholding visitation. I don’t do anything with BM in mind and I do not try to purposely stir the pot or make her upset. I don’t think its fare that she expects me to fade away into the wall while the girls are here. Its not me to just sit on the sidelines to make someone else feel secure. The girls are happy when they are here. Isn’t that what matters?
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I am probably going to get
I am probably going to get slammed for this...but maybe you just need to tone it down a bit. I read your other blogs and you know that BM is going to react this way and take it out on the kids, yet you continue to poke the bear. (Like sending pictures of yourself home with the skids when you KNOW BM will freak out).
Should you have to do this to satisfy BM? NO.
BUUUUUTTTT...it may help the kids in the long run. All I am saying is maybe don't go to drop offs. Don't send them home with bows in hair, making it obvious that YOU did it, since you know it will set her off on the kids. Don't send pictures of you home with them. Ect.
I didn't give the pictures my
I didn't give the pictures my H did. And for goodness sake it was tiny little wallet sized pictures. It’s not like I was thinking “I’m going to send pictures to upset BM mwah ha ha". We went out to the mall so I did their hair and didn't think “Oh no girls rip out the bows before BM shows up". The drop off and pickups are in front of my house. I guess I should hide in the shed outback and pretend I'm not home so I don't poke the bear. I'm very frustrated with this all of this. No I don't continue to poke the bear at least not on purpose. It’s not my fault that my existents blackens her soul.
Now that I know she will freak out if the even smell of my perfume lingers on them after a hug goodbye I should just stop hugging them. I won't send home any pictures or put anymore bows in their hair but she is still going to find a reason to nag and get upset about something.
I want to cry its not fair to
I want to cry its not fair to the girls and its not fair to me. If I have to step back for their sake I will but I'm not going to just fade away to please here. No matter what I do I know it will always be a problem. What happens when thet grow older will they develope hate towards me and my H to please her?
Wow so you know how I feel.
Wow so you know how I feel. Doesn't it hurt you inside. It hurts me and it hurts my H. I caught him with a tear falling off of his cheek after he got off the phone with his girls becuase BM had said something that upset them and then snactched the phone and hung up when she heard them start crying to their dad. DH says he wasn't crying but I know him.
I stay in the house when she comes to bring or get the kids but the one time she caught a glimpse of them hugging me before running out of the door she lost her grip on reality. I guess the only thing I can do is try my best to not do anything I think will upset BM and make her take it out on the girls. It sucks because I know she would find a reason regardless of what I do.
I think in my BM's mind I did
I think in my BM's mind I did not exist before I moved in. She was just waiting for my H to dump me. when he told her he was getting married she tried convincing him that it was not the right time and it would confuse the girls. Now that we are married and living together she wants to start her crazy.
They had the custody battle
They had the custody battle before I came into the picture. My H did fought for custody but in the primary custody was awarded to BM.
She's being irrational,
She's being irrational, emotionally abusive and frankly needs to get a life beyond being "scorned, victimized mommy". What a total loser to behave like that in front of kids.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Yes...and those are very difficult to deal with. BTDT. lol
We dated for two years but
We dated for two years but have been married and living toogether for just over a month now.
I never talk bad about there
I never talk bad about there mom while they are here. When they tell me the mean names she calls my H tells them that is not very nice to call people names and we leave it alone.
Ignore her. Eventually she
Ignore her. Eventually she will go away. Or you'll forget about her.
I disengaged from our BM. I don't let DH tell me stuff she says about me or stuff I do. I blocked her calls, texts, emails. I don't go to pick ups or drop offs. That's it, she's out of my life.
She's just doing things to get under YOUR skin right now. Don't let her. Ignore her. Nothing she is doing has any real impact on your life, other than making you feel stressed. Keep doing what you do & ignore her.
I want to and I have tried
I want to and I have tried to ignore her but she will end up turning her anger to me towards the girls.
More than on one occasion and
More than on one occasion and she either hangs up in his face drives away ignoring him and humming over him or turns it into a yelling match.
She's going to do that either
She's going to do that either way. You can't do anything to make it better. So just do what you need to do. Eventually the girls will flip out on her, or they will stop telling her the truth about the visits. Either way that's her problem & her issue, it will only damage their relationship not your DH's or yours with the girls.
You are trying to take precautions to keep a crazy person from acting crazy. You can't. So just ignore it all & be happy.
Call a lawyer in your area to
Call a lawyer in your area to ask if this is acceptable first. Then turn on your cell phone's recording capability (or have your dh do so on his) and just have it casually standing by. You can record her acting out this way and a judge can hear it.
Nothing you say or do can
Nothing you say or do can make anyone do anything kwim. she's going to act a bitch regardless. disengaging from the girls who you like and they like you isn't they way to go. However disengaging from BM may help step back from being around her when you can and when it's kids events IGNORE her. Let your DH tell her off. Telling the girls not to talk about the things you do gwad seriously from a kid who was told that don't, just don't. Give them tools to fight back. Let them know it is okay to have fun at BOTH homes, it's okay to talk about your lives because that what it is THEIR lives not just BM's and dads. They should know that it is okay to tell their parents that it hurts them when they are made to feel bad for enjoying time with people they like.
We've done this for my kids, and SO's kids and it has been a blessing. My kids even tell me that what I say hurts if their dad pushes my buttons, and that's okay it reminds me I have a job to do regardless of him they are parent of him and love him and I need to remember that. SO's kids have had to defend against the "if you like HER you don't love mommy!" So we talked about how since mommy's, and daddy's and families can love lots of children mommy must be confused since kids can love their mommy AND daddy and siblings and etc they have plenty of love for the people THEY chose to like and maybe if they need to when mommy makes them sad like that they should tell her "we have big hearts so we can love all people, or we wouldn't be able to love all our family." BM swiftly realized that tactic wasn't working and stopped. It also helped that SO told her he was documenting her attempts at mental and emotional abuse and if it continued he'd take action.
you've only been married a
you've only been married a month. she's freaking out and throwing her jealous, insecure tantrums and sadly taking it out on the girls. PATHETIC. The good news is that sometimes over time conflict settles down, maybe she'll chill out in time. In the meantime, lay low when she's around. Careful not to send things with the girls from you, etc.
But, I totally DISAGREE with the advice to treat the kids like neighbors or someone distant. this is your family too. You can't put up a wall around your family. Love them, have fun... you can't predict the future for how they may teach you later on, or distance yourself bc of BM's crazy jealousy. enjoy the kids and build relationships with them. Ignore BM the best you can, take the moral high road, don't talk about her or convey contempt non-verbally around the kids, love the kids, love your family, make memories, let the kids be happy and safe (emotionally to love who they love) with you and your husband, let that beotch suffer in her own personal h*ll.