Putting my foot down
As we all know, BM shipped SD9 off to live with grandma who lives 2 hours away from us. This weekend is our weekend with them and grandma is taking SD9 to BM's so DH can pick her up when he gets the other girls. He told me though that the plan right now is that he drops the girls off at BM's and SD9 off at grandma's. Two hours away. That means we are at least looking at a 5 hour trip back and forth.
This annoys me for two reasons. 1) BM is the one who said she couldn't handle her and sent her the grandma's without even giving DH a courtesy call that this was happening, so really this is BM's responsibility to shuttle her back and forth. 2) Per the CO, BM is supposed to be doing all the pick up from our home anyway. DH has ALWAYS done both the drop off and pick up since they were divorced in 2005, but that is not what it says in the CO. He says because he doesn't want to ruffle her feathers.
Since 5 hours is a long time to be away, I told him that I wanted to go with him. I have never attended drop offs and pick ups. He is being adamant that he doesn't want me to go. He says if I go it will just be like him rubbing his young pregnant wife in her face and he doesn't want her to make a scene. I don't really care about BM's feelings. If she wants to make an ass of herself so be it. He is so insistent that I not go though that it makes me suspicious. I understand not wanting to create unnecessary fights but what about me going makes him think she is going to go off her rocker??? I have no desire to meet the woman and wouldn't even ask to go if he wasn't going to be gone for such a length of time, but now that he is soooo adamant that I not go, makes me want to go even more. I know he despises her so it's not like I think they are doing something behind my back, but is her potentially going crazy really the only reason he is telling me I can't go? Am I being unreasonable?
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No you are not being
No you are not being unreasonable, I would be telling DH I am going since it is a long trip time wise. Why should you two have to spend that much more time apart. If the cs states that BM is the one that should be picking the kids up from your house, then now is the time to talk to DH about making her do her part. So what is she gets pissed court orders are court orders. I know easy to say harder to get done. I had to start making my DH see how much he was being used by his EX and her family when it came to the kids. They have been doing things for so long it is nothing to them, they do not see our side at all or how crazy or messed up it might be.
However I can understand him not wanting you to go for one possible two reasons. Hear me out..
1 you are pregnant and it is 5 hours driving around don't know how far along you are, but sometimes that sucks. 2 he might not want you to be put in a place were you are going to get upset or in danger once again because you are pregnant. But I am with you 100% If you want to go then you just put yourself right on in that car and tell him I am going bottom line. You just want to be able to spend as much time with him as you can.
He is a fool. He should
He is a fool. He should stick to the CO. Make BM drive a little. She needs to be inconvenienced...
I would insist on going. If you want to you should. Me, not going to spend all that time driving with the stepkids if I could avoid it. But, it is a long time to be away when you only have two days in the weekend...
What is he going to do to stop you from going....What is she going to do? Probably nothing....
What i dont understand is
What i dont understand is that its not like you are gonna get out of the car and "hangout" at bm's house. Or get out and walk up to the door.
So yea, why is he so adament you dont go? His reason's dont make sense.
And the whole pick up/drop off thing. The men always get screwed. Its in the co, big deal. We all know what happens to these bm that dont follow the co. Practically nothing. So then the men have to do it if they want to see their kids! Grrr
Thank you ladies for your
Thank you ladies for your responses. I knew I wasn't crazy, but sometimes I have my doubts. Anyway I sent him this hormonal email a while ago:
"Dear Husband,
If you do this, you will make me crazy. Like I’m-too-old-for-this-OMG- what-did-I-get-myself-into-can-we-get-the-marriage-annulled crazy. I don’t give a damn about your ex’s feelings. If you are so worried about it then arrange for her to drive SD9 back. If not I am coming with you. That’s the deal. I did not sign up to be a secret wife dammit."
He responded by saying he will make sure she makes arrangements for SD9.
He is so insistent that I not
He is so insistent that I not go though that it makes me suspicious
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Oh that would make my blood boil and make me suspicious. I am sorry, but something is amiss here!
I know! I don't think he is
I know! I don't think he is doing anything wrong. I mean, he literally calls me every 10 minutes during the drives to and from and I have timed all his trips, but it makes me think he is acting all nicey nicey with her or something. She knows he is married and I am sure the kids told her I am pregnant so it's not like she thinks he is pining for her or anything. I just can't think of any other reason why he would be so determined to keep me away. I know she has unsuccessfully tried twice to commit suicide so maybe he thinks I will throw her off the deep end somehow? (And yes, she still has custody of the kids despite being completely certifiable. Go Texas family court system.)
if showing up with his WIFE
if showing up with his WIFE will throw her off the deep-end, there is still an emotional attachment there somewhere. if he doesn't want to "upset" her, would rather upset you, something's off. stand your ground. not only that, i'd make SURE i was with him at ALL pick ups and drop-offs. if she's upset, that's her problem. if HE'S upset because you insist on going, that is YOUR problem and you'll have to take the bull by the horns. my dh's ex always has to come out to the car during pick-ups or drop offs, always a conversation about something, but only when i'm not with him! when i'm with him she stands in the house at the door. i am highly suspicious of people who act different when i'm around vs when i'm not around. maybe they have conversations that he would never have if you were around (mine use to, until i laid it on the line to him. now i think it's her).
I am not that great with
I am not that great with words, but I think your DH's ex manipulates DH through her threats of depression and suicide.
And if I remember correctly from your past blogs, your DH claims he fears some kind of murder/suicide? Why on earth would he fear that? Either it's his own fevered imagination, or she has made specific threats...in which case, those threats should be reported. My guess is, she hasn't, but he's some kind of white knight type who believes HE can make things. Better, everybody's well being rests on his shoulders,etc.
I mean does he even understand how RARE murder suicide is for women? Especially women who dont have postpartum psychosis? It's like fearing an asteroid will hit your house.
It's possible that she is
It's possible that she is manipulating him, I hadn't thought of that before. But I think he fears that she will harm him or the children since she has already proven that she is capable to hurting herself, so why not take someone else down with her. Only he knows what she is capable of since he was the one who was married to her. She has been exhibiting increasingly alarming signs of her depresssion lately (drinking/smoking excessively on a daily basis until passing out, giving up SD9, not paying her bills until her services are disconnected, dropping the girls with her parents on her weekends to binge, etc.) so his fears, however irrational, are not completely unwarranted.
Also, I think it's one of those things like if you buy a red truck, then all of a sudden you see a ton of red trucks on the road. Because he has this crazy idea, now all he notices on tv and on the internet are stories like this because he is looking for them subconsciously so it seems like it is happening more often than it is. Does that make sense?
Either way, I really don't have any desire to meet her. My sole reason for even suggesting I come along was because we only have so much time together during the weekends and 5 hours apart (plus the 2 hours to pick them up) is really alot. We both work alot during the week so that isn't really quality time. Although the issue will probably come up again in the future, for the mean time it is settled that BM will be responsible for taking the child she shipped off back to grandma's on her own.
Maybe if this is what he
Maybe if this is what he really fears, he should consult with a therapist or psychologist as to how to proceed. He's like a layperson who fears the red spot on his arm is flesh-eating bacteria and he's two days away from death. That's possible, of course, but maybe he should see a professional and talk over the symptoms first, instead of proceeding and acting as if the least likely possibility was actually the most reasonable.