I can't even put into words the pain I have been experiencing this week... Don't even know If I have a right to feel this way so can't tell anyone in real life especially not my so.

I have referred to so as h in posts purely because that's how I see him. We have been together for nearly 4 years but we are not married or even engaged. So has told me that he wants to marry me and have children with me when he's ready. We have lived together for 3 years
Now. Sounds great?? I've been beating myself up lately about my situation. Dh has 2 kids, 2 bm. First kid is nearly 12. He got bm1 knocked up when he was 18 first night together, did the honourable thing and stayed for a year but they inevitably broke up. So gets ss12 every weekend and because ss is older he rarely has to communicate with bm1 - mostly it's only about bad behaviour he sometimes exhibits in his mothers house. She has another son 4 with hse current partner. We are all around the same age - I'm 30. So is 31.

So also has a daughter 5 with a woman he was seeing for 4 months. She left him while still pregnant and so has told me that he thinks she got pregnant on purpose (was on bc but didn't take in front of him because didn't like to take tablets in front of people). She has been abusive and prevented so from having a relationship with sd. I have blogged about this in the past - I live in a country where men who are unmarried to the mothers have to pay cs but have no automatic rights at all. This is what I believe is holding so up from having a baby with me while we are still not married which I understand to a certain extent.

Bm2 while attractive has been single for the past 5 years understandably because despite her good looks I have read her messages to my so and she is crazy always asking for extra money etc etc. out of guilt so gives her extra money each month for fear she will bring him back to court again. I also think he is guilty about not seeing sd and will send a substantial amount of money to her on birthdays/Christmas.

I have seen on FB that bm2 has a new bf. communicating since around feb and making each other FB profile pics since March so relatively new. He has two kids from previous relationship. So here is where the real anger starts. She has already been on holiday with new bf probably paid with by the extra money my so sends her. Along with this she recently posted a picture today in which she looks pregnant and new bf has hand on her stomach. After just a few months...

And here I am, no babies. So won't even talk about a baby until next year with me. I feel so angry and I am directing this at so this past week to the point I can't even look at him. I feel so angry, miserable; all of which is probably completely unjustified thanks for the vent, have been thinking about this all day in work today and as a result I've had the shittest day ever - don't even want to see so today or hear about how great ss is... Eugh