so far, it's working well for me.. unofficial as it may be.

I am really glad I found this site.

After growing up in a blended family which was extremely hard, My step-mother was a complete bitch and I am sure I was a bitch right back to her. I truly sit back in amazement of how her and my father pulled it off. Now I understand. Through the years we have worked on our relationship and she is now one of my best friends. I am now going to be getting married to a wonderful man who has three really amazing children. The kids seem to be doing great! The oldest, he is about to turn 15, (J) she is 11, and (E) he is 8.
But I do not think they realize just how hard this will be for them.
We have had our wedding date planned for the past three months. And the kids are really excited. However-- H.(the oldest) is seeing a psychiatrist(due to his withdrawl from school activities, smoking pot a few times and on goings with him never feeling good.
His father and I attend sessions in order to make sure we know how to best be there for him emotionallly, physically and mentally.
Two months ago the doctor recommend that we not get married b/c H. was having a most difficult time. After we all met a few times the doctor agreed that it would be in H.'s best interest that we do get married.
Then he stated that he really does not need anymore change at present time after we get married.
Now here is were it gets good. The first of July--His mother(38) annouces that she is getting married to her boyfriend(26) three wee ks before our wedding date. They met on line (through her ever public blog site in March)------The kids are going back to school this next month. Their father is getting remarried. Now their mother is getting remarried. Their mother and her fiance just bought a house that they will be moving into at the first of the month of Sept.
And the kids are "fine", "I am good.", "everything is ok."
I am hearing all of these things. But the truth is I am not seeing it. Actions speak louder than words. But is this the right assumption? I do not know. I am just going with my gut instinct.
I just know that when my parents got remarried, it was fun at first. Then it was not fun for several years after that. I am the only one out of the ex-wife, her soon to be husband, and my soon to be husband that has never been married before, (yes, did I mention the 26 year old just got his divorce finalize the first of May) and that has grown up in a blended family. I truly do not think that anyone knows how hard this will be on the kids...........
I am scared for them. The only thing I know to do is listen, and talk with them on a continued basis.
The ex-wife has her own very public blog site. She is an advocate for breastfeeding and for attachment parenting. (She has written a book on the subject). She writes about C. (my soon to be husband) and myself on certain occasions. And she allows horrible things to be written about him by her public for the children to see.
He is an amazing father! Hence one of the reasons I love this man so.
When their divorce was almost final he started dating someone and then she wanted him back. He said no. After several attempts (on his part)to get back with her before that were shot down. And for the last four years she has written several public blogs, articles about how he cheated on her. This was just not the case. So every once in a while she will write something about him. And her "public" who do not even know him or the truth. Slam him on her blog.
He has asked her several times to not allow this b/c the children read it and it upsets them. That is what they say to us and when they come home they ask about it. She then goes off in a tangent about how he/we are trying to censor or take away her freedom of speech. That is not what we intend to do. If we had a blog(which we dont) we would never allow someone to bash her b/c she is the kids mother. No matter if we agree with what the public writes or not. We just ask the same in return. She is a small public figure in the small town we live in and she has even put her new house on her blog for the world to see (address # and street name) This is a concern. Not to mention her posting numerous pictures of the kids and what they are doing. The kids tell us that they do not like it when she does this. But she says that she asks them about it and they say they don't care. They tell her one thing and us something completely different.
And thus it starts. They are kids. They are not going to tell all of us the same thing. We get that.
As you all can probably tell I am at a loss..........I am frustrated and pissed off.
I am trying to do the best I can with this woman. But she is a narcissitic, borderline, highly functional type.
Thank you for this web site. Any words of wisdom would be so helpful.
I know the most important guideline- Never say a negative thing about their mother in front of the kid. I try to put myself in their shoes on a continue basis. I have been there and continue to still go through it with my mother and stepmother.
I just need to hear what others are going through................
Again thank you for this site.

Ladies I don't see how you do it! I will soon become a bonafide stepmom later this year. I'm marrying a man with 2 kids. When we were just friends he would share with me some of the issues he had with the biomom. However, I don't think I really could appreciate all that he was going through until now. In my situation the biomom decided that after their 2nd child was born she had 'missed out' on life and wanted to hang out with her friends and meet people. That is difficult to do when you're married with 2 children. Needless to say online dating, a couple of affairs, and late night partying are a clear way to get a divorce appointment. As soon as the divorce came she remarried, had her 3rd child with the new hubby (did I mention he was one of the ones she had an affair with) and 2 years later is expecting another. My fiance told me these things and I wasn't inclined to believe until I saw the evidence. The diaries she left when she moved out, the emails and notes from other men, picts she left. But, she decided to leave and move on. That's fine. Except for the fact she calls my fiance to complain about how unhappy her life is now. I don't get it. To compound the issue the childern (12 and 7) are confused and lacking some basic foundation issues. They are becoming master manipulators, liars, and not very pleasant.

As I mentioned I don't know how this will work out. My fiance is a wonderful man and no, I don't think his ex was the cause of everything that went wrong in their marriage. But, this is freaking unbelievable sometimes. You really have to have had the experience to truly appreciate all that a stepmom goes through. My hats off to many of you sticking with it. I just don't think it's necessary for one person (a mother at that) to cause so much drama.

Hello! I'm new to the site. First day actually and as I've read so many of the blogs I notice how so many say how "amazing" and "wonderful" their stepkids or soon to be stepkids are and I'm trying to understand how I get to that point. I honestly have no reason to dislike my stepson. He's a good kid, causes no problems, except for the typical 10 yr old outbreaks but other than that I should be like most of you ladies and saying how much I am so in love w/ my stepson.
He's been in my life going on 7 yrs. His dad and I have been married for almost 4. He was never married to his sons mom but she has caused us GREAT!!!! GREAT!!! problems financially and just problems period I try to tell myself that I allow what she has done to us to effect my relationship w/ my stepson. I hate it! I really want to finally break free and be able to wrap my arms around him and love him as if he was my own. But it's so hard for me to do. At times I think I just don't think I let myself.
So many emotions go through me. I try to be happy and do things w/ him but it doesn't take much for me to just want to be left alone and hide in my room and be left alone.
I've admitted to myself that I believe I just have a heart issue and only myself and God can fix it. Which I know is true it's just taking some time and a little harder than I expected.
How do I get out of this rut? How do I just allow myself to love this child as if he truly was mine? Like I've said he's a good kid, but then why do I have such a hard time loving him like I feel like should after so many years.
Anyway, this is not even the tip of the iceberg but it's what I've been feeling today since I've read so many of your blogs that have praise and good things to say about your stepchildren or to be stepchildren.
I just feel like I should be so much further in my relationship w/ him by now.

Anyway, just frustrated......

I am in the EXACT same situation and I am looking for some support! I also have a 10yr old stepson that I can't seem to bond with. I could use some advice.

I have been with a man for almost 3 years, and have lived together for 2.5 years. He has a 13 year old son who lives with us full time, and a 6 year old son, who lives with his mom fulltime, except in the summer. I have a daughter who will be 4 soon, who calls my bf daddy as she knows no different as her biodad is not in the pic.
Anyways, for the past 1.5 years, B, the oldest has given me problems. As of late he has taken to writing letters to his dad on things that I have done to make him mad. The last letter said that I wouldn't let him sit in the front seat, but instead let his cousin. Who by the way was in the front seat before I even picked him up, and we were only going a few kms down the road to go home. the other 2 issues he had were so silly, one was me not allowing him to play video games first thing in the morning and the other was when I allowed my daughter and her cousin on the bed, where the other cousin and the youngest step son, had to sit on the floor.
Now I have mixed feelings. I feel that he is trying to get me into trouble, which doesn't make me very happy. I talked to my bf about the letter and of course he is not at all upset with me for these things. My oldest has a big attitude and is very selfish sometimes and I feel that he would do anything to make his dad angry at me.
Although not the right response from me, all i can think of doing now, is to let him do whatever he wants and to never be the one who says he can or cannot do something. I will just refer him to his dad.
I don't know what else to do. I almost feel like I want to plain old give up on him. One of my bigger issues with him is when I have to give him trouble for attitude or for not doing something, he ends up taking it out on my daughter.
help...I don't no what to do....

I have been a stepmom to two boys (11 and for almost four years. They are fantastic kids. I read somewhere that it can take up to five years for the stepparent to become accustomed to the new "family". I've heard another source say it can take up to seven years - a fact I can completely believe. My stepkids are great and although their mother can be very difficult at times, we generally get along. My frustration is with the resentment I feel on a number of issues.

My fella and I both make good livings. I'm a professional, working 10-12 hour days. Most days, when I get home (we have the kids every other week), no homework has been done, no food prepared, no groceries picked up, and definitely no laundry done, despite the fact that my fella works similar hours but shift work, so he has time to throw a load of laundry in, pick up things for dinner, etc. I make virtually all the lunches before I leave for the office at 6:15am, do virtually all the laundry, make most of the meals, whether he's working or not, make sure we have enough groceries, make sure the homework is done, and buy most of the kids' clothes.

Also, they moved into my house, and although he pays half the bills, I pay all the property tax and pay for all maintenance, etc. They are not my kids and although I love them , I'm fed up. I haven't been on a proper holiday in five years, unless I've either organized or paid for it. He wooed me and chased me very hard to get me, and took great care of me for the first six months until the kids moved in, but no more. I rarely get taken for dinner, am rarely thanked, and when he and I go out together, I pay half, despite the fact that they are his kids and we make the same living.

I sound like an absolute mug, and I suppose I am. Two years ago he bought the 11 year old (then 9) a $1300 guitar. The other day, he talked about "going half" with his son on another $1000 guitar. I feel like I don't belong. I feel frustrated, left out, and often neglected. The kids love me, I have no doubt - but I'm desperate to know if there is anyone else out there who has experienced similar things and who feels the same way.

When I try to speak to him about it, he gets extremely defensive and turns everything around so that it seems like it's all my fault and that they are my issues. I know, as I've always known, that the children will always come first, but they always come first at my expense - regardless of plans we've made or my emotional needs. When I ask myself "what's in it for me", the response is always the same - "not much". I'm a 40 year old, fit, attractive, professional woman with no children of her own. What on earth have I done?