Who's Visiting Who?
Another blog that I just read, triggered a memory for me.
OSD and SGkid came to spend the weekend with us once. The first night that they were here, everything was okay. I made us dinner and we had a somewhat nice dinner conversation. The next day was just weird.
It was as though my DH had had his fill of them already. We had breakfast together and then they spent some time at the water. We hung out with them for a bit...together but separate, if that makes any sense. They kind of waded along the shoreline and we kind of wandered around the area, but no one really had a conversation. Then, when we went back to the house, he said that he was going to try out a new tool that he had purchased earlier in the week. That would mean leaving ME alone to entertain them. I said to him in private, "NO WAY! You can do that ANYtime. Your DD and Grandkid are here to visit with YOU, not me."
So, he forced himself to stay in their vicinity, but I was the one who ended up carrying a conversation with them. As a matter of fact, he actually managed to skulk away when no one was looking.
Here's the weirdest part. Around dinner time, my OSD and SGD sat in our great room and watched our TV while texting people and he sat in our garden room and flipped through a magazine. I looked at him sideways and said, "Why aren't you hanging with YOUR family" and he stated that he was comfortable where he was. So, I left him and them in their separate rooms for 40 minutes while I showered and got ready for dinner. When I returned, nothing had changed! They were still all sitting in different rooms. I could not, for the life of me, understand why they drove 4 hours to VISIT with Dad/Grandpa, and yet they didn't want to spend any time actually VISITING with him!?! Instead, they sat apart, doing their own thing. The part that killed me is that they were waiting for the Chef, Cruise Director, Housekeeping Service and Bus-Person (that would me ME) to return to duty after her shower so that I could prepare and serve them dinner before they retired to their comfortable guest rooms. (OH, how I sometimes wish that I had an all-expense paid vacation from MY life, and that I had my own personal servant for a weekend!!!)
Since this episode, it has become abundantly clear to me that my DH does not/will not visit his DDs unless I accompany him. I think he wants the "buffer" between them, and that's me. On the flip side, his DDs (in particular my YSD) wishes that I didn't exist, so this become a bit of an awkward dance. DH wants me on the dance floor...Skids want me in the trash bin outside of the club! So, when we visit with them on their turf, I am there, in the room with them, but my duty is to nod and smile and when there is a lull in the conversation, THEN I can let my presence be known, but only for a very short period of time.
Moral of the story: Some Dads can only take their DD's and Grandkids for short periods of time. Then, they run out of things to say and do with them. Just because they are related, that doesn't mean that they share any common ground. Has anyone else noticed this, or is this just our dynamic?
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Comments
That is beyond weird!
That is beyond weird! Personally I would not offer myself up as a substitute conversation maker and chef for DH - I'd absent myself not just for 40 mins but for the rest of the visit, if DH is going to act like such a knobhead.
I forgot to include one other
I forgot to include one other "highlight" of this visit. Just after they packed up to leave the following morning, and before WE treated THEM to breakfast out, (to give me a much needed break from cooking), my OSD started laying claim to a print that is hanging on our wall. She asked her dad, not me of course, if she could have it when we are done with it. I can't tell you how happy that made me. I jumped in and said that we like that print and weren't planning on getting rid of it anytime soon!
Your DH needs to be the Chef,
Your DH needs to be the Chef, Cruise Director, Housekeeping Service and Bus-Person. His circus, his monkeys.
I would eat a YUGE lunch, then tell him, "DH, I'm not cooking tonight. You'll need to handle dinner."
yeah, just NO.
They are sounding worse and worser.
And these are HIS children.
I did the same in different ways. Ive bent myself into a pretzel for ungrateful skids. And then get walked on and treated like dirt.
That sounds like a typical visit - DH in a separate room...that was last Christmas with SD22 Feral Forger (who has recently accused me of "taking her father away from her") she was so out of it on whatever meds and just sat there in her chair dozing off...while he was in the garage-man cave. It did not end well when she decided to yell at me and he took her back to the hole she crawled out of (unfortunately not Toxic Trolls cavern, just the apartment).
The nerve these entitled brats have - stunning. Of course they are inventorying what they are thinking to inherit.
You got that right, CLove!
You got that right, CLove! Which is the other reason that I told my DH that I no longer want his DDs in my home. The "inventory list"! I have a fear that if something every happens to my DH, they will break into our home and know EXACTLY where everything worth taking is located. I would have more trust sitting in a cage with an angry, unfed lion than I do with these two jackals!
It's this "entitlement" that has them believing that it's okay to ransack my home and not help out with dinner prep, and leave my house in a sorry state of disaster by not cleaning up after themselves. I mean really; how hard is it to wipe the toothpaste off the faucet after you've brushed your teeth?
We entertain friends and other family members pretty regularly and no one has ever behaved the way that the SDs do when they are here. Also, DH never has to be told to engage with our other guests. We also have great weekends with other friends and family! AND I'm never left to deal with meals alone either!!! Most times the opposite happens: too many helpers in the kitchen.
After the SD's last visits, I took my DH on a "tour" of our house. The tour pretty much solidified why they are no longer welcome. He couldn't deny that they are very disrespectful and to be honest, I don't think that he ever liked spending THAT much time with him.
But of course now he has a scapegoat. "Sorry DD's. It's just too much work for Birchclimber!" I dare him to try using THAT excuse!
Tell him upfront that if he
Tell him upfront that if he ever tries to use you as scapegoat, he's a dead man.
I can relate. Social
I can relate. Social awkwardness is a common trait in my DH's family, and I was always the buffer between him and his kids. The four most socially deficient people I've ever met are all in DH's family. Watching DH and OSD interact is almost weird.
I was always either doing too much or not enough, depending on who you asked. I was the Cruise Director of the Titanic, doing all the facilitating, scheduling, hosting, shopping, reminding etc so a group of dysfunctional people that didn't appreciate me could continue to pretend they were a happy family. I was like a tool in the garden shed - handy, useful, but never thought of once you're done with it.
When I disengaged, DH was NOT happy. Without me as his meat shield, he'd have to actually engage with all his female relatives. I remember losing it on him, telling him to stop hiding behind my skirts because I was DONE covering for him. I knew that without me all his relationships would atrophy, but I also had no Fs left to give. Now I have peace, while DH's relatives are experiencing an authentic relationship with him, aka no relationship at all. I'm sure I'm blamed for that as well, but I'm far beyond caring.
These messed up families need us to step back so they can find their own way. We start out believing we're helping, but we're actually interfering. I'm three decades into this, and can honestly say that all my efforts changed nothing.
While Not To Your Degree.....
it's pretty much the same with Dh and his kids when they were still visiting in our marital home. He'd do the "entertainment" part (bowling, movies, dining out, etc) and once home, would retreat to his TV, where the kids would eventually follow and they'd all watch TV in silence.
I wasn't with him on his last trip to visit with them (out of state) but he did say he retreated to his hotel for naps. LOL
While I know he wanted me there, no way in hell will I subject myself to those individuals and their disgusting "perpetual teenager" behaviors.
Haven't had this issue with SSs
But the first time MIL came to stay, DH went off wandering to do his own stuff leaving me with MIL (otherwise known as Mrs Passremarkable). MIL thinks it is funny to laugh at my nationality. I don't find it amusing. I kept waiting for DH to come back to entertain his parent.
After that visit I was very open with him. I was 100% clear that it is not my job to entertain his mother ever and that I will not be left alone with her for any lengths of time.
Lucky for him he understood my position.
I'd say a fair number of men
I'd say a fair number of men of older generations would have this same issue. My father was the provider and the guy who carved the turkey and drove the car on vacation; he played with us and disciplined when needed; and while he loved us, no way would he have been able/willing to sit and talk with us for hours or be the organizer of a days long visit without my mom's help.
Since your skids are rude to you and terrible guests, though, they need to stay in a hotel when they visit.