Weird meeting with BF's freinds abroad
BF’s friends are from Germany. He and BM would visit them frequently while together. When BF got divorced years ago, he told them about it during a phone conversation. They are visiting the United States, and called him to meet up. He told them about me/told them I was coming. He also told them about the newest custody battle, her alienation of SS, and so on (Everything I have posted here).
We met them at the restaurant and they began talking about BM, how is she, how are her parents, did the sell the house she and him had together (I guess years ago they visited from Germany and stayed at their house) while I sat there like a lump on a log. I even reached out on social media while no one noticed and was told by someone that BF needed to “stop this behavior” of his friends. THEN THEY ASKED HIM HOW HE AND BM MET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BF then told his friends that he was done talking about BM, that he has no interest in anything about her, only co-parent with SS, and called them out for not talking to me. He said “I would like to tell you how Cookieboom and I met, I’m not interested in talking about BM.
They quickly changed their tune and began involved me in their conversations. The whole time BF sat next to me with his arm around me/holding my hand.
They invited him to Germany and said “you have a place to say.” He said we (He and me) would love to. They seemed happy to hear that and THEN invited my kids along.
It turned out to be a good night after all. It was kind of weird in the beginning.
Not weird, rude. By US standards anyway.
Their comments were rude and (perhaps unconsiously) passive-aggressive. Keep in mind they come from a different culture and don't necessarily have the same "nicety" filters that most Americans have when meeting others for the first time.
Being blunt and asking questions based exactly on what they are interested in may be the norm.
The big plus in this situation was that your BF shut it down and made it known (in a fair way) that enough was enough, and they respected that and changed the subject.
My fathers family are of german descent and they can
Be very direct at times, sometimes quite often inconsiderate but it also depends what kind of family and attitudes they were brought up with. Its just common social etiquette to not rant on about the ex in front of the new wife/partner as it's disrespectful
At least your SO stepped up and shut them down.
At least your SO stepped up and shut them down. He somewhat redeemed himself from his behavior in your last post. Not completely, but it is a start!
Well played DH!!!
Thank you
Thanks everyone for the advice. I was shocked that he told his friends from Germany that he didn’t want to talk about BM. It was good to see him shut this behavior down.
I forgot
to add that when we had therapy, the therapist thought it was odd for his friends to talk about BM, but was glad BF shut them down.
Your therapist may not be aware.
Other cultures have different "norms" of communication. Some of them can be very blunt and direct, without a lot of thought as to how the message will be received or perceived.