I'm thinking out loud
Sometimes I wish I knew other Stepparents that lived nearby. Oh Wait, I do know of one who does happen to live closeby. Right! Just last week, she posted some photos on social media of her and her Stepgrandbabies, all snuggles and cuddles together on the couch! I wondered, how is this even possible? Is it real, or is she just doing this for the camera? As I looked into her eyes in this photo, I found myself looking for clues. Did she really look happy, or was their something else in her smile? Fear of rejection? After the photo was taken, were the two kids rushed away from her by the parent (her skid) so as to not become too close to the stepgrandma?
When my stepgrandkids were babies, and long before my skids turned them against me, I too used to cuddle with them too. I would hold their hands as we would go for walks around our neighborhood. No one took photos of me and my two stepgrandkids working on a chicken breast recipe together. No one ever pulled out the camera for those times. I always was the photo-taker, so I have countless photos of my DH with his DDs and his grandskids. In flipping through my photos once, I realized that I was barely in any of them, so I started to make a point out of handing my camera to family members to ensure that I was part of the "family photos". But the photos with me in them were always staged...posed. Not the natural interactions that actually took place. Still, I never felt the need to splash any of them all over my social media page and post about how "blessed we were" to have them in our lives.
So now I'm faced with seeing these photos of my friend, let's call her Petunia. I remember having a luncheon once, where the topic of kids came up, and when asked if she had kids, she happily and proudly said that she has step kids and is a step grandma. I remember wondering if she was actually happy and proud, or if she too is a member of this site. It's sad that we are so villainized, that even when there is an opportunity to connect with someone who may be experiencing the same things that we are going through, we are hesitant to speak up for fear of looking like a maniacal, evil person. Evil StepMother.
Has anyone EVER connected with another Stepmother, in the Face-to-Face World, who confided in them that it's not all rainbows and lolly pops for them either? How did that go? I sometimes feel as though I am living in the shadows, lurking while somewhere out there, there are people in Functional Step Relationships, calling all of their stepchildren, "Bonus" Children, and meaning it. Then I begin to wonder...is it just me?...us? Are we the minority or the unspoken, unrevealed majority?
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Answering back out loud
There are are a few folks that will speak up about being a stepper, and then if I ask, will mention that they have a "certain type of relationship" or "we have a great relationship". I do feel my situation is on the more extreme end of things. All I seem to be surrounded with his happy bios. I live in a small town, and its a unique place that is a worldwide tourist destination, yet its remote. There is also a cultural divide as its racially diverse, yet everyone sticks within their comfort zone. We are a mixed couple with mixed stepchildren, which is generally accepted and considered an asset.
I mention it because it is relevant in how stepparents are viewed. My close friend is a stepmother to 6 boys, and her stories are so familliar, shes been the "super step mom" that nurtured and took care and planned trips and fun things to do. The eldest has turned the rest against her. The eldest is a horrible person and she has become close with the step daughter in law whom he divorced. She got the snuggles as Sgrandma recently and shes determined that she will spend her energy in that direction because her bio daughter is not within her reach at the moment (drugs).
Shes one in a million as people go, and shes one of us, as stepparents go.
I hear so many stories from people who had horrible stepparents. Maybe we are a new generation of woke sparents? Maybe the stories are all lies? Maybe its in between?
OmG! SIX Stepsons and they
OmG! SIX Stepsons and they have all turned against her? There's a special place in heaven for someone like her. I completely understand your friend wanting to nurture the relationship with the stepgrandkiddies, but I'm not too hopeful that her efforts will be rewarded once they are a little older. Skids are very influential when it comes to teaching their kids who they should like and who they should have no use for.
I'm glad to hear that you two have had honest conversations about your step lives. I also think that you're right; there seems to be more awareness about the difficulties in Step families, but somehow I feel like we, for the most part, are still viewed and the problem and are the scapegoats. We've come a long way from when I first entered my Step life, but we still have far to go.
My neighbor, A
When we moved here 48 years ago, I was an inexperienced 29yo BM and SM of 5. My DSthen9 became friends with a boy across the street, M, and I met his mom, A, who was in her late 40's. A had been a widow with 5 kids when she married her husband, a widower with 2 kids. Then she had M, their "ours" baby. A and I began going to Weight Watchers together weekly.
It was so refreshing to talk to a real SM who had been thru it all. Her family was, except for M, in their late teens and twenties. They had been thru the drugs, the rebelliouness, the slamming doors, the whole thing. One of her sons had completely rejected her and disappeared for years. She seemed to weather it all pretty well but we lost contact a little as time went by and I returned to work and night school. In later years, A seemed to go off track a little, got into a radical religion, talking in tongues, etc. Of course, I could understand and forgive any aberation after what she'd been thru.
In later years, A cared for her husband who developed Alzheimer's. She told me he would wander thru the house, urinate in a kitchen drawer, call her by his first wife's name, etc. She was able to keep him at home until he passed. A passed away a few years ago. I often think of her when I look at the house. Rest in peace finally, A.
I'm just curious, JRI. Did
I'm just curious, JRI. Did you learn anything in particular from her experiences or do you think that your situations would not have been handled any differently if you had not have heard her stories? I wonder if her picking up the radical religion was a coping/defence mechanism or was she looking for a group that she could identify with, that wouldn't judge her or reject her?
Did her kids help her with her husband, when he developed Alzheimer's Disease? That's a tragic ending. RIP A indeed.
What I learned
A didn't have any life lessons to offer but I saw her endurance and it was liberating to hear about another family's ongoing trauma. Lol. I thought we were an aberation. Her radical religion was definitely a coping mechanism. She had plenty of people as friends from her Bible group, exercise classes, etc.
As an aside, she was very financially shrewd. She received a lot of Social Security benefits for 5 kids after the death of her first husband. When I knew her, she was successfully investing it. When she was able to keep her sick husband at home til the end, she prevented the assets from being drained by his care. Her family benefitting greatly financially.
Another shrewd move: when the first kid got married, she bought a great designer-level dress. She wore it to all their weddings along with the major jewelry she owned. She looked great!
There is comfort in knowing
There is comfort in knowing that someone else has walked your path...and lived to tell! That would have given me a feeling of "liberation" as well, to keep going down my path with the confidence to know that step life is possible. Difficult at times, but possible.
Now I wonder if there are distressed step parents with whom I have come across face-to-face, who have looked at me and thought that I was an inspiration? I wonder if I make it look easy or do-able to other people? If so, I may be sending out the wrong message!!!! LOL
Anyway, I am glad that you had this special lady in your life for a period of time. Her ability to hang in there through it all is inspiring.
I Have a Group
When I entered StepHell 15 years ago, I found the CafeMom website that had multiple boards for stepparents. Did a few posts and was "found" by another SM in the High Conflict step world. She invited me to their private group. Over the years, I learned so much from these women...about 15 of us. As time passed, six of us have stayed connected and acutally visit each other once a year (we are from all areas of the USA). Today, most of our troubles are over...just blips here and there. But our friendships have stayed strong.
In my "local" life, I've not really encountered much of what I deal with. I have a few friends who had "toxic" ex-wives to deal with but it doesn't seem to have affected their relationship with the kids. My close friends know my truth and reality...have even witnessed some of the hate thrown my way. Other than that, all my "stepmom" friends in the HC step world are online.
That's so interesting that
That's so interesting that there are actually groups out there for Step Parents in High Conflict situations. It's a brave move to pull yourself out of the shadows and make the connection with other people in the same situation. My fear would be to run into someone that the SD's or BM knows and have it be thrown back in my face. I can just hear them saying, "WE don't have a problem. We're not looking for groups to join. It's YOU, Birchclimber. YOU'RE the problem"! Yikes...I shudder at the thought of being found out that I have extreme anxiety when it comes to my husband's daughters...the one in particular.
...which of course is the reason that I won't take the leap of faith to find a non-online group!
Toxic Ex-Wives...that's pretty normal fare. Every other friend has one in their lives, it seems. That's always fodder for conversation with second married couples. But you're right: No one ever talks about how that relates back to the kids. Admitting that it has an impact on them, seems to be tabu.
I have only recently admitted to two people (not counting our lawyer), who were both Bio-Moms, that my stepdaughter has been a challenge in my life from time to time. I didn't feel validation or understanding from either of them. I guess in my case, they probably wonder why it has taken me 3 decades to finally speak up. Both probably think that if YSD was so bad, I would not have stuck it out. ...so it's back on me.
It Was A Miracle
The stepmom groups on CafeMom were terrible....same stuff. You knew what you were getting in to, you married a man with kids, blah blah blah. The lady that "found" me...actually all the ladies in that private group stayed on the watch for women like me....in the HC step world and at a loss. The group was super private, you had to be invited in and beforehand, give your story and then a vote was taken by the others. To this day, I thank God they accepted me. They saved my marriage. And in the end, I have six beautiful life-long friends.
I hope you can find someone local...it really helps. I'm lucky that my friends "get it" and supported me in the mess. No judgement.
I freakin LOVE this
I freakin LOVE this, Cajun.
I supervise two adult SDs at
I supervise two adult SDs at work and they both rave about how their SMs are the mothers their BMs never were. In my mind I'm saying "cannot compute." lol
I'd be thinking the same
I'd be thinking the same thing!!!! lol
One of my neighbors is a SM
One of my neighbors is a SM and stepGma. When she found out I was a SM too, she said, "Oh honey it's so hard and two girls!" She had her struggles too. I think she gets along with her SS now, but with boundaries. We aren't close enough to talk.
One of my friends was a SM but her SS hardly was with them. She was pretty disengaged early on, and started putting her foot down when he graduated HS and moved in with them. He's grown up since then and has some contact with him now and then (she divorced) but again with boundaries.
No one else I know well is a SM. I'm ok with that. My sis and a couple friends are super good listeners and don't judge (and are frankly appalled by everything....they know DH and the SDs). My other neighbor used to call them my "daughters" but frequent correction and explanation of situations has made her understand there's nothing I can do.
I get ideas and great feedback here for specific situations.
Wow! Your neighbor is
Wow! Your neighbor is divorced but still sees her step son from time to time? From where I sit today with my YSD, that is almost inconceivable. At one time, I thought that I may stay in touch with my OSD, if my DH were to pass first, but now that YSD has become more influential over her, I don't even think that's possible. Will you be staying in touch with your skids if your DH passes first or if you divorce??
I mentioned in another reply that I didn't feel validated or understood when I told two people about my YSD. That's true. However, I forgot that I have never hid the step situation from my sisters, one more so than the other and she (although she can not relate personally) has been a very good ear. I have sent her some of the emails that YSD has sent DH and I over the years, so she does know what we're going through. She agrees that YSD is Bat PooP Crazy. We've even had conversations about situations that have taken place and have included DH in our conversations. He never even tries to deny the "crazy", because he just can't!
This has been my Go-To site as well. I am grateful to everyone who responds and everyone who is brave enough to tell us their stories!!!
My neighbor's the one who's
My neighbor's the one who's married and has a decent relationship with her SS.
My friend is divorced and yep, still every now and then she hears from him. She also just gave him a bunch of his dad's old clothes and some good bicycles he left there and told her to do what she wanted with them. Nice of her - although she made it clear her former SS had to come get them himself, she wasn't driving the stuff to him.
I am still in the 1st
I am still in the 1st generation of stepping so I don't know if I will be posting pics of me cuddled up to grandbabies, but I do heavily post of my SS. My Aunt is a stepmom/stepgrandma and has always been treated as a biological relative by both my cousin and his children. She is "MawMaw" to them and more connected to her grandbabies and SS than his own biological mother-- not to say that she isn't also active, because she is. It's just my Aunt has made those grandbabies her world and has helped with them every step of the way from diapers to diplomas. She is the Petunia-type, as I imagine I will be as well.
I've only known 3. One is my
I've only known 3. One is my aunt. My step cousin and I were close to the same age and we played together a lot. I remember him being rude to my aunt and I felt bad for her, even at a young age. I don't know why I didn't smack him for it because I absolutely adored my aunt. Still do. I was probably afraid I'd get in trouble with my parents. He got disciplined for it consistently and from what I saw, my aunt and the BM got along well. She and my step cousin seem to have a good relationship now.
I worked with another SM. She was a SM and a BM. The BM seemed to be somewhat HC but from what I could see she got along with the skids really well and considered them her own.
The only other SM I've known is my own. I hope I wasn't a pain to her. I always treated her with respect and would include her in everything. My mom liked her and even if she didn't she wouldn't have tolerated me being disrespectful because she and my dad raised me better than that. My dad died in 2001 and SM remarried. She has two kids from her first marriage, I don't know how many her husband has. I don't know how her relationship is with her skids. We don't keep in touch. If I saw her I'd say hi and would talk to her. I have nothing against her, we were just never close. We got along but were not close. Her husband seems like a good guy too. I used to go to the same church as they do,so I saw them frequently. If we had both made the effort, we'd have a close relationship. My kids would have another grandma and they'd have a grandfather figure. We're both bad about keeping in touch, so the fault lies with both of us.
I remember in the trenches,
I remember in the trenches, it being very lonely as I didn't know many (or any?) IN LIFE stepmoms. This board kept me sane. My case was pretty bad, however it was just ONE SD,
If you were to know my history with her, you would be shocked to see us now. I honestly can say she opens up more to me and we connect more often then her and DH lol. I also have one step-grandbaby.