BM asking for money
SD8 lives with us full time during the school year and visits her mother in the vacations. This has been the arrangement for about 18months. The first 12 months my husband agreed to pay BM money every month to help her 'get on her feet' and also to sweeten the deal as we moved away and SD came with us. BM agreed to all of this. So last summer BM was still receiving her money. This summer however all of a sudden a mere few weeks before SD is going to see BM, BM says that she cannot afford the summer camp she was relying on taking SD to so that she had some child care while she is at work. She asked my husband to pay for it. He seemed to think that if he did not pay she would either say she could not host SD or she would quit her job. He was worried SD would not get to see her mom and that BM would quit her job which he doesn't want her to do.
I told him that I didn't want him to give her money and explained a few senarios which all allow SD to see her mother ( BM pulls her finger out and sorts out some other child care or some other arrangement or SD stays with my husbands family who live near BM and sees BM when it can be arranged etc). He said last night that he will not give her money as he feels he has no choice as he doesn't want to ruin our relationship and thinks that I will hold it against him if he does (probably true, but I would try not to let it affect us). Anyway, now he is grumpy and upset at me because he feels backed into a corner and feels like everything will go wrong and he will be blamed for it.
I am half expecting him to go back on what he said and pay something. I do not trust him when it comes to giving money to BM. Past experiences have taught me not to.
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Comments
Right!! BM could save money
Right!! BM could save money for camp throughout the year and budget for child care like every other normal parent out there. What would she do and how would she pay if DH didnt exist?
I have told him this over and
I have told him this over and over but he wants what is best for SD and feels like he has to step in. Hopefully this time he won't. The last time he gave her money we had a huge row and he promised me that he would see a therapist to get over BM as I told him he obviously still felt obligated to her and I told him that it wasn't healthy. Of course he never did anything about going to a therapist and that is when I stopped trusting him in regards to money and BM.
He's completely out of line
He's completely out of line by being angry with you over this. It's BM's own fault that she didn't plan properly for SD's visit with her. She should not expect your DH to help her out and he shouldn't feel bad about not doing so.
Who said anything about
Who said anything about hating the mother??
Kids have to understand that
Kids have to understand that sometimes they have to miss out if their parent can't afford something.
^^^Exactly.
^^^Exactly.
Yes he can afford it. Yes I
Yes he can afford it. Yes I am fed up with my husband paying for everything for his daughter and never lying any responsibility at the door of BM. SD will see her mother and will have a fun summer because she is 8 and 8 year olds can have a fun day making a play house out of a cardboard box and do not have an inate right to attend camp. My husband, whether for the right or wrong reason has been helping BM out since before their divorce has always paid for everything and much more. It is time BM started to work out how to pay her own way and how to not make promises that she cannot keep and expect someone else to pick up the pieces as it is for the sake of the child.
It's not about making sure
It's not about making sure the BM doesn't benefit. It's about holding her responsible for her own child from a financial perspective. Why should the dad have to pay for everything just because he can afford it?
It is not that he WANTS her
It is not that he WANTS her to go to camp, he's afraid of what BM will or won't do if he doesn't pay up.
And the OP has combined
And the OP has combined finances. So your situation is not the same as hers. If her husband sends BM extra money for things like this, it affects her as well. She has a say in this.
As a poster below said, if he wants his kid to go to camp then he can do it on his time and in consultation with the OP since they have combined finances. If BM wants the kid to go to camp on her time then she is responsible for making all of the arrangements. It's quite simple.
Good god HR, her DH still
Good god HR, her DH still pays child support when HE HAS CUSTODY! How can you take the BM's side on this? She is a GROWN UP who needs to learn how to take care of herself! Do you purposely always side against dads just to be obtuse? I almost asked you this last night on another thread but changed my mind, but now I will ask: in what way did ONE evil man f*ck you over to make you hate all men and think they all deserve to be relegated to part time dad and have to pay for their exes for the rest of their lives??? I swear you have to say black just because a SM says white. Why the f*ck are you even on this board when all you offer is your pro-BM, man-hating point of view? You never offer anything helpful. You just want to paint all SMs as evil, all dads as deadbeats and all BMs as helpless, wronged women who deserve everything.
Give me a f*cking break.
^^^All of this.
^^^All of this.
It's not even CS since the
It's not even CS since the kid isn't there. He's paying BM just to exist...like a kept woman. I'd have a major problem with that if I were OP.
If dad wants the kid to go to
If dad wants the kid to go to camp then he can send the kid to camp on HIS time. BOOM- issue solved. Why is he even involved with what is going on during mom's time anyway?
Exactly.
Exactly.
This is pretty much what
This is pretty much what happened. SD does plenty of fun activities with us when we can fit them in. It is not so much the camp that he is worried about it is her not seeing her mother who he feels (as do I) she should get to see and in fact needs to as she has not seen her since the beginning of the year. That is the longest they have been apart.
I don't know of any child
I don't know of any child that died from not going to camp.
I agree separate finances
I agree separate finances would make this decision easier. We however have joint finances and have made a very conscious decision to do that. Of course he wants his kid to have a fun summer at camp and to see her mother. But I do not believe that it is his responsibility to pay for it and I believe he should stop treating BM like a child and bailing her out and start expecting her to live up to her responsibilities, otherwise the cycle will never end.
Amen. In the long run he's
Amen. In the long run he's not doing BM OR SD any favors if he keeps bailing BM out. He's just treating her like an incapable infant, which will be what she remains unless she has to face some hard choices. Sounds like BM needs to grow up and take on some adult responsibility.
I was worried once about
I was worried once about firing a woman that had a small child, and was complaining to my ex husband about how I felt bad for having to fire someone who had a little one. He asked me why I was worried about something that the person I was firing should have been worried about. He pointed out that if she was worried about providing for her and her child she should step and do her job. He made a good point, why wasn't the single mother worried about her job as much as I was worried about doing mine. Sometimes you can't worry about other people more than they worry about themselves. I think this situation is along the same lines.
Your DH provides for his child in his home and is now expected to cover the BM's expenses when she has her as well? That is BS.
These men who care and worry
These men who care and worry sooooo much about what BM does and has probably should of never left her. It's not the Fathers responsibility to take care of BM under the guise of taking care of SD.
BM will figure it out and if she doesn't , then it's not up to the father to do it for her.
Oh, for the love of God. Your
Oh, for the love of God. Your husband started this with his bribery, and BM is continuing it with a form of veiled extortion.
Good luck stopping this train wreck.
Your husband should not be
Your husband should not be giving his ex bribe money to keep his kid. That's basically what it is and you know that. He's gas-lighting you-making you feel guilty for something he's doing wrong or making you feel like you are the reason he can't do something. Remind him he's a grown ass man with his own decision making skills that also can decide if his actions are worth consequence. He can either appease BM at the cost of you, or appease you at the cost of BM. Maybe when you boil it down for him he'll realize who he decided to leave and who he decided to marry.
The money was agreed upon by
The money was agreed upon by both BM and my husband both being fully aware that if SD stayed with BM the CS obligation would have been more money than he was offering. BM readily accepted it (after she negotiated herself an increase of course, it was still less than CS would have been.)
Although he has been grumpy and off with me he is not gas lighting me and I would not like to diminish those who live in abusive relationships by implying in anyway that this is one or that this is what he is doing. I am sorry if I gave that impression.
If he continues his grumpiness I will remind him that it is his decision. I already rebutted his claim last night that he did not have a choice and told him he had many choices.
It was not a decision I
It was not a decision I agreed with. But it was probably cheaper and certain quicker than court and also meant less disruption and conflict in SD life when her parents agreed to this.
My DH got all pouty when I
My DH got all pouty when I told him SS30 couldn't come for Christmas. He was grumpy and distant for about a week. I just ignored him and didn't engage. He got over it.
He was back to being his sweet, ultra affectional guy in just days.
Yep, there are signs today
Yep, there are signs today that he is starting to get out of his grump but I still need to check if he told BM yet (as she needs time to arrange stuff). So that could put him back there.
If your SD lives with you,
If your SD lives with you, then BM should be paying CS to your DH. If your DH wants to give BM money, he can collect the CS and save it all year to give it back to BM in the summer. Then at least it's her own money being handed back to her and not money out of your household. If your DH doesn't have an agreement in place (through the COURT, not some cockamamie "we agreed" bull) he needs to get one. Otherwise, BM is going to get SD to move back with her and take him to court for back CS claiming he should have been paying CS all this time (even when SD lived with you!)
The custody agreement has
The custody agreement has been signed by a judge. They agreed that no CS would be exchanged in the official papers. The only way that I see BM getting custody of SD back is if my husband agrees to it somehow. I cannot believe that a court would uproot her from a stable home even if it is to live with her mother.
he is worried about it is her
he is worried about it is her not seeing her mother
BM knows this, counts on this. It won't change, it will always be something.