Intimate Jokes
Does anyone else have running jokes with their spouses regarding the ex spouses?
I had a trip down memory lane this morning and remembered this experience...
Years ago my husband brought me ("the American") over to France and BM was insanely jealous. However, there was a language barrier so if she tried to talk (ambush) me it was met with me being a brat and pretending not to understand what she was saying. To this day we have zero contact due to the language 
At the pinnacle of her high conflict jealous period (prior to SS19 moving in with us), she would cycle through boyfriends almost monthly. She would even move them into her home prompting us to privately ask ourselves if she was only dating homeless men.
Anyways, we would occasionally pick up the kids and take them out to dinner. One evening after we picked them up my DH got a text from BM. During dinner they were having some sort of battle, but my DH didn't tell me what it was about. (This was in my early years before I was assertive enough to just take the phone and see what nonsense she was saying). So we finish dinner and drop the kids back off at their mom's house. We used to live 5 mins away, so we get home and she starts calling nonstop. He finally answers and enters into one of the most pissy verbal fights I've ever heard.
Here's gist of what the fight was about:
BM had texted DH after we picked the kids up for dinner and said "make sure you text me before dropping the kids off because I've got a guy over and I don't want them to interrupt our INTIMACY TIME". (My DH did a French to English translation for me and that's what we still laugh about)
BAHAHAHAHAHA....we still use the phrase "intimacy time" to this day.
Needless to say DH did NOT text before dropping the kids off and that's why BM had a meltdown. It's like who does that? Even if you are getting it on, can't you just shut/lock the door? Why would you ever send a text like that to your exH? (insert massive eye roll!)
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SS18 has always been a poor
SS18 has always been a poor student and during past custody battles, there was a lot of focus on who was better at helping him with school work, etc. In BM's mind, of course, that was her, despite the fact that he missed a lot of assignments on her time. DH once pointed out that an assignment had been missed during her time. She sent a page long email going on and on about how her way of helping with homework was to sit right with him and watch everything he did (really, she just generally ignored homework) but that since DH had said that SS should be more independent, she was using DH's method of homework supervision, and it had FAILED. So essentially, it was DH's fault that SS didn't do his homework at BM's house.
This was my favorite of all the crazy manifestos that DH got from her. We will still say, "I was using YOUR METHOD!!" when one of us does something wrong.
Oh, that's a great one :) :) :)
LOL @ "crazy manifestos". I hope you're saving them for future reading.
BM went to
BM went to a small religious high school that concentrated more on bible study than education and went right to the business of popping out babies. Her grasp of history, grammar, and science is interesting to say the least. Unfortunately, she felt it necessary to "help" the skids with their studies and, even when what she said was directly contradicted by their textbooks or other verified sources, in their loyalty bind they insisted that "mom is right!" So they frequently received bad grades for homework and tests when they stubbornly continued to provide her answers instead of the correct ones. There have been several GLARING errors that stood out over the years which we still toss out randomly to each other.
We've had a similar issue with BM...
Not so much Bible study, but she's really into believing in the supernatural. Especially aliens. (Like she refuses to believe satalites are in orbit- no! it's aliens) She got SD to believe in them, but SS just ignores her.
DH and I dated in high school
DH and I dated in high school and reconnected after 22 years. When we first started getting busy with each other, conversations comparing our respective exes came up. Come to find out BM has quite the jungle bush, so much so it hangs out her swimsuits. Thick and nasty was what I heard, you'd need a machete to get thru it, and it had a "sheen" to it. WTF?! I guess she didn't believe in grooming herself and would go out in public in her suit like that. It would gross DH out so bad, he'd shudder.
Whenever he needed to be "turned down" a bit, I'd just say sheeny to him and he'd calm down. LOL He'd be like "why'd you have to say that"
He found out that she went shopping with her girlfriends and THEY told her in the changing room that she needed to groom herself. I don't know how she managed to bring home and give to DH during their marriage a case of crabs and a couple of STDs. Some men must like the jungle look.
Sheeny!!
THAT is a great story and a fabulous inside joke. I seriously can't believe she went out with, um, extra plumage, sticking out. In my head I've assigned a Crocodile Dundee voice to your DH when dealing with her
Ohhh lets see, how do I
Ohhh lets see, how do I choose just one jealous thing BM2 has done over the years:
- She flew over here as a medical escort to London, stayed overnight, then flew back to Cyprus the next day. She sent detailed texts to DH that he and SS could meet her in London at the hotel and have dinner with her, then stay the night. BIG enphasis on how "her employer" would only pay for +2, NOT +3!! Meaning I wasn't coming and she'd have DH to herself. Yeah that never happened.
-She used to text/email DH all the time about any fights her and her bf had, how many times per week they had sex, which man/men she had on the side that bf didn't know about. How much she was fantacizing about her uni professor. Just to make DH jealous that she wanted all these other men and not him. DH just thinks she's a tramp.
-Whenever SS spent time with her, she'd send photos of SS and herself. Usually with her tatas hanging out in some skin tight shirt/dress. Just to remind DH of "what he was missing."
-The entire year of 2017 was Operation Win DH Back in BM2's mind. She moved back here and tried every trick in the book. She'd have SS for the weekend and drop him back on Sundays...when I was at work. Her biggest trick was leaving her skanky panties in my laundry basket, hoping I'd discover them and leave DH for supposedly cheating.
-Operation Win DH Back was failing miserably and BM2 became desperate. The last Sunday she tried to dig her talons back into DH, she just flat out said that they should get back together. When that was met by a hell no and all the reasons why DH loved me and how I was so good to him, BM2 lost her shizz. She ended up shouting "WHY CAN'T SHE (me) JUST FACK OFF BACK TO AMERICA?!!!!!?"
Here I still am....and happily married to DH
Game. Set. Match. So entertaining.
She's cray cray!
"WHY CAN'T SHE (me) JUST FACK OFF BACK TO AMERICA?!!!!!?"
Wooooow Cooooookies!! You've survived a whole new level of jealousy. Ha- I hadn't read the word "tatas" in a while so that gave me a giggle today.
Should I mention the Baby blanket
ToxicTroll still sleeps with? We used to call ToxicTroll Tweedle Dee and her bf Tweedle Dum, and together they were the Tweedles. When she got mad at me a few months ago, right before our wedding in fact, she texted me that she gives better BJ's than me, she knows this for a FACT, so now DH and I joke about my, ahem, skills in the sack. And when she is going on a "date", ie some dude is visiting her rank apartment, we joke about her alleged skills.