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Can it ever work?

baffled-and-sad's picture

Submitted by baffled-and-sad on Wed, 02/24/2016 - 9:39pm

All I want at this point is to have nothing to do with 24-year-old 2b-SD, who is extremely hostile towards me. She has shown that it is not just that she doesn't like me, she actually actively DISLIKES me and is looking for whatever "proof" she can ferret out, twist, or fabricate to support her opinion that I am a horrible person and her dad should not be with me (Note: she is the ONLY one in both of our worlds who feels this way about our relationship. Everyone else, including my two adult kids, celebrate our being together!) I just want my husband-2b to see her AWAY from me and to not expect me to be around her except on the very rare occasions that it is absolutely necessary, like a rare holiday or something. I have NO desire to be husband-2b's "plus one" at any event of hers, even a wedding. But can a marriage work that way? Any thoughts on this? I know he desperately wants us to get along, but I just don't see that happening, really ever. The new couple's counselor, who we have just seen once, called it correctly on the first meeting: that 2b-SD stepped into the role of her deceased mother who died 13 years ago. In 2b-SD's mind I AM "the other woman," which how she treats me and is why she is so dismissive, condescending, cold, and unkind to me when I am around her. I just wonder if this is a recipe for disaster long term. I do not want to get married to just end up divorced. Have any of you out there had a successful happy long-term marriage where you and the adult step kids just don't interact--bascially hardly at all? And are any of your husbands okay with this?

Comments

notasm3's picture

Submitted by notasm3 on Wed, 02/24/2016 - 11:05pm

It really all depends on your DH. My husband's 2nd wife taught him to ignore SS30's sh*t. DH begged me to accept SS amd I tried.

I have now had virtually nothing to do with SS for almost 3 years. I do not hate SS. I do not tell DH how horrible his son is. SS is just totally irrelevant to my life.

TwoOfUs's picture

Submitted by TwoOfUs on Thu, 02/25/2016 - 7:59am

I agree that money can be a huge, contributing factor. Wish kids didn't automatically assume they're getting everything in the first place. Didn't use to be that way.

Thankfully, my DH had none when we got married and now he does. Hahaha! So my skids see the upside of our marriage, at least financially. And, two out of three of them like me a lot as a person...so not too shabby. However, DH will inherit A LOT of money from his parents, and I'm wondering what the situation will be like then. I'm sure that his parents, who basically worship their grandkids and already spend TONS of money on them, will leave the skids money, too. Maybe they'll leave them close to what they leave us...who knows. But I'm wondering if skids will be upset that our wills leave everything to the spouse first, kids second. I'm worried that I may have to pull out financials and show that I basically supported them and their dad for 5 years while he built up our business in order to justify my full claim to our joint property. But I'm probably borrowing trouble...there's enough to go around, so maybe no one will care.

To respond to the OP. I think it can work, but it will probably be bumpy. I have a SD19 who I never see any more and don't plan to have a relationship with. DH seems fine with that at this point...but only after trying to make it work for the 5 years she was coming over to our house.

TwoOfUs's picture

Submitted by TwoOfUs on Thu, 02/25/2016 - 8:07am

I know. I HATE that assumption...it is so often not the case, or the exact opposite is true. But you still see it all the time. Saw it on the comments to that ridiculous Dear Abbey column a couple weeks ago. SM needs to know her place! Kids come first! Why doesn't she cook them dinner and pick them up so dad can have more time! (assuming she's stay at home...or that her work schedule is more flexible or less important than his?) She took their daddy...probably just wants to live off of him and take him from his own kids! (again...what?)

It's maddening and disheartening to know without a doubt that this is what the world thinks of you...these are the assumptions you're dealing with.

TwoOfUs's picture

Submitted by TwoOfUs on Thu, 02/25/2016 - 8:20am

I doubt it. They already give us financial gifts every other year to reduce their estate, and they give one to DH and one to me equally. They love me, what I've done for their son, and how happy he is now with me.

I don't know why you say "hopefully he's been honest" as if leaving me my own money is somehow...dishonest? Or like I would deprive his kids after he's gone? I've spent out of pocket for years to help him achieve his dream...I've spent so much of my own money on those kids I've lost track...so that he could afford to chase after his dream. I haven't neglected my dream...I've been pursuing that, too. It's just that his (our) business took a lot more start-up capital than what I do freelance. There's one kid out of the three who I really can't stand, but I wouldn't treat her any differently when it came to inheritance from the grandparents. That's not my money...unless it's given to me as a free, no-strings-attached gift...those bi-yearly gifts are mine and I use them to rebuild my retirement that got decimated when DH and I first started the business and to pay down debt.

But I was referring to the house and our joint account...investments and assets that I've directly had a hand in building. Those go directly to me, then kids.

baffled-and-sad's picture

Submitted by baffled-and-sad on Thu, 02/25/2016 - 12:56pm

Yes, I agree. At this point, I am not yet sure if he will do this, though. And so at this point, I have serious doubts about this relationship. I am very sad and have been so for a while now. We have just started couple's counseling, and he was the one who really wanted us to go, so maybe that shows he does want this relationship to work. I am just not sure if he will see that this is HER issue--and his--and that there is nothing I can do to change her, that it is NOT my fault that she acts this way, and that he will stop expecting me to fix it, stop blaming me for her bad behavior, stop excusing her bad behavior, and then accept that I don't want to be around her nor should I have to be, nor should he expect me to be around someone who telegraphs hostility to me, whether overt or covert. I just don't want to be in a toxic situation, and I should not have to pretend things are okay when they are not. I lived through a lot of abuse in my childhood, and this feels like abuse to me. I feel hurt that he seems to expect me to be around her and her hostility. It has taken me a lifetime to finally know that I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect with everyone I am in relationship with -- including his daughter!!! -- and if someone doesn't treat me with kindness and respect, then I won't be in relationship with them. This is my right! These are the things I am feeling. My first inclination was to welcome her into my life just like I welcomed my daughter's husband and my son's girlfriend. But 2b-SD wants none of that and I refuse to try anymore. I have been with this man for 3 years, and he has many good qualities, but this with his daughter--if he expects me to be around her and her nastiness, which feels like abuse to me--well, that's a deal breaker. And I am incredibly sad because I think that this will be the outcome.

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Thu, 02/25/2016 - 8:57pm

I think if you remain detached from her hostility, are polite and classy on the occasions you have to deal with her, and do not lower yourself to her level, in the end she will show herself for what she is and your DH can't help but see it for what it is

My OSD is 34, and we have been through all the "I-hate-her" "its-her-or-me" crap with her over the years. It has been unbelievable.

Throughout it all, I took the high-road, only acted in the most decent of ways towards her, and tried to be as understanding and forgiving as I could.

She continued to show extreme hostility and hatred towards me, she acted like a complete a*&)*% to me, and DH saw her for what she is

So, can it work?

Not very easily Sad ......but if you don't succumb to her low-end behaviour, understand she is angry/hurt, and work to forgive her (doesn't mean reconciling with her just means acknowledging she is a sad and angry person and needs your help more than your anger) and move past it, it will be easier on you

And that is not to say it will be easy, ever, but it will make swallowing her crap more bearable, if this is the route you choose to go

baffled-and-sad's picture

Submitted by baffled-and-sad on Fri, 02/26/2016 - 1:03am

Good advice. I have always been polite to her. For 2 years I was more than polite; I was warm and welcoming Now I just want to be detached from her. Warm and welcoming didn't work. It is just better for me to not be around her because she twists what I say and gets offended at things I wouldn't think would offend anyone, but she looks for things to be offended about so that she can justify her dislike of me and her disapproval at my being with her dad. So the less I see her, the better.

baffled-and-sad's picture

Submitted by baffled-and-sad on Sun, 02/28/2016 - 12:14am

That is an interesting thought that "the nicer and warmer a SM is the more they hate us." Never thought about it that way. Thanks!